before the angels tread
by whotellsyourstory
Summary: "You're just going to leave me alone here – like – like – here's some years back, fix it!" Shepard had always made the fool's choice. Finally, karma took pity on her. Or not.
1. a million reasons

It was only when Kaidan smiled at her in a way Shepard could not recognize - guarded, curious, young, blind, star-struck and just a little besotted - that she realized something was very wrong.

So far, she'd been trying to slowly regain her bearings as everyone else around talked at her, oblivious to her own obliviousness. The alarming sense of déjà vu only vaguely broke through the shock fogging her awareness, which meant she nodded when there was a pause in the conversation, saluted anyone saluting her, and hoped that was enough.

This was the Normandy. Worse, the original SR-1, which had distinctly been destroyed years ago. She would know. She should be dead or dying at the Citadel. What was she doing inside a ghost? Surrounded by ghosts too. At least twenty people she'd let down, a parade of the walking dead. She vividly remembered Jenkins' enthusiasm, but not because she'd witnessed a whole lot of it.

All of which brought her to this moment, almost before she could take notice, standing behind Kaidan's seat on the bridge. Her only discernible thought was that she was clearly leaning way too far into his personal space, judging from his reaction. Only then did she snap out of her funk.

"What?" she muttered, and he took it to mean she hadn't understood what he'd said.

"Oh – uh, I said-" he began, flustered, and she was a little out of her depth right then.

She shook her head, clenched her jaw and breathed in quickly. She needed to pull herself together. "Sorry, no, I was just distracted." She smiled at him, which had disarmed him after years of knowing her more intimately than anyone, and achieved the intended result – he went a little red and speechless, and she regained control of the situation. "Never mind. Good work, Ma- Lieutenant."

She had no idea what work she was supposed to be complimenting, but clapped a hand on his shoulder anyway - he tensed automatically, bewildered. Shepard let go of him immediately, which was objectively ridiculous, because she remembered her hands and various other parts of her body lingering everywhere he had a sense of touch only hours before.

Whatever grip she'd caught her fingernails on, she was losing it quickly.

From then on out it was a blur of conversations she'd had before and now understood better than anyone she was speaking to. Super-secret Spectre mission, Joker, no EDI, shit, Pressley, Nihlus, Eden Prime ( _Ashley_ ). Yes. Okay. She was reliving the past. A little more focused and present than she was used to or liked, but she'd manage, probably. She just needed to figure out what was wrong with her brain first.

Eventually her feet thoughtlessly took over and she found herself alone in a cabin that wasn't really hers yet, in more ways than one, staring at a bed she'd last seen crash-landed on an uninhabited planet and wondering what exactly it meant that 'her energy would be joined with the Crucible'.

"It means exactly that," a little star boy said calmly, walking out of the corner of her left eye to examine her bed as well.

"You're in my head." Somewhere, among all the noise and confusion.

"In a way."

"Get out."

He stared at her. "It's _your_ head."

Her knees gave out and she sat down on the bed heavily. "What happened?"

"Your death. It did not go unnoticed."

She had a headache. "What?"

He frowned at her. "People cared that you died, Jane Shepard."

The use of her name startled her. No titles, no accusations or lauding – the boy was reaching for a part of her that made her recoil. She did not like the lack of control.

For a bright second, everything slowed down to an imperceptible crawl, so that the world turned temporarily crystal clear just for her benefit. Anderson's things were neatly packed in every corner she could eye, everyone was talking about how cool Spectres were, and she was supposed to recover some weird Prothean beacon from what was, as far as she was last aware, a practically abandoned human colony. And Kaidan was acting shy.

And him. Shepard refocused on the boy and time sped up again. There was neither promise nor comfort in his expression. No goals or explanations.

"I'm not dead," she replied evenly. And, much as she tried, she couldn't figure out a way to spin a good omen out of that.

"No. Not here." He sat next to her and stared around absently.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She felt alarmed – would she drop dead if she stepped foot out of the ship?

"That's idiotic."

She glowered at him, but he wasn't looking at her and did not seem to care. Inside her head, of course, why not?

"What happened?" she repeated more forcefully.

"The plan worked," he revealed. "Your sacrifice and the Crucible together – synthesis of all synthetics and organics was achieved. Everyone you cared about – those who still lived – made it to safety. Earth was saved. The galaxy witnessed the ultimate stage of life." He paused. "Fleetingly."

"Fleetingly?" Her voice was sharp.

"I brought you back here." He rested his chin on his palms, his elbows on his knees, and stared straight ahead. For a moment, he actually looked like a little boy. "I redirected the energy of the Crucible to return my current self to here – I brought my knowledge with me, brought your energy with me, and then I gave it to you. Or, I should say – I gave you your own memories. Which were among my knowledge."

"Wh-"

"I identified in you early on a solution for my problem. I also identified in you a new problem. So I took notice. Of you and those you kept close. I did not discard that data. And when your end came, I made – a pondered decision."

"And – why?" she asked slowly.

His eyes met hers. "Do you know why I look like a young boy you never knew?"

"Because you're in my head."

"Because there are a million reasons in your nightmares, and a million distractions. And they're all just illustrations. I needed to be what I wanted you to see. And you needed a reminder. Well, a reason."

She thought of Kaidan. Of the geth's souls, and EDI, her hopes and questions. She thought of Thessia and Liara in tears. She thought about Mordin's seashells and Thane's prayer. About Earth and Ashley. "If there's one thing I'll never run out of, it's reasons."

He nodded. "And this one is all of them," he explained, looking down at himself. "You burned with it in a dream."

She wanted to physically run but gritted her teeth instead. "Why?"

"You have had a lot and lost a lot. You're a reason too." The boy paused. "I thought I knew what this body meant. But I knew it the same way I know something on a mirror. But now I see." He hesitated, which shouldn't be something an AI did. "You deserve more."

"You – you brought me back here because you felt _sorry_ for me?"

He shook his head. His tone of voice became audibly peculiar, as though he were becoming worked up in a way AI couldn't, probably only for her benefit. "I was the first to feel the Crucible working. I was the first to understand organics. And I was the first to see and understand the pain in those you saved. All over the galaxy – you burned all over the galaxy. A reason. And a lot of people cried out when the fire went out. And I _heard_. Jane Shepard, I understood things I'd never imagined – realized why you did not simply choose to destroy the reapers, how you proved me wrong – your existence is as recent for me as an intake of breath, and you see farther than I ever have while comparatively blind. I truly did not think you would choose to merge all life. I did not see how any organic would not react instinctively when presented with a threat. It's how you evolve. But you did – by giving yourself up no less. All the things I didn't understand. Things no one is meant to understand. And I did not think you deserved to die after that. I did not think those who loved you deserved to go on without you after that. More importantly, I did not think the galaxy was ready to lose you after that."

She watched him carefully, but he still wouldn't look at her. "Sometimes we don't get what we deserve, what we need, or what we're ready for," she said softly, as though speaking to an actual young boy. "Sometimes we have to make hard choices. There are reasons for that kind of loss. You understand that. Life goes on."

"Yes. I'm the first person to understand sacrifice, even if you've disagreed with my methods. And there's wisdom in that. But there are other kinds of wisdom. Which I grew to understand when you activated the Crucible. To make hard choices and achieve favorable outcomes, you are needed. I made a decision I could never have made before, because I could. Time isn't linear. And so here we are." That barely made sense and yet it settled in her stomach like a stone.

She looked away from him to try and sort out her thoughts. "But – what changed? The Crucible will still have to be activated." A thought occurred to her, and she rounded on him. "You did _not_ bring me back here so I could send someone else to die instead. Or just die all over again," her voice caught a little as she added that, but she quickly turned it back to steel.

"No." He stood. "The catalyst is primed. I brought you back with me. Through it. This time – you would not have to die. Besides, no one else would have worked. It had to be you. Your energy, your essence. No one else would have your vision."

She didn't really understand and didn't ask him to elaborate.

"Oh." Stunned, she stood, a little bit in a daze, and grabbed a cup of whatever alcoholic drink Anderson had in there. "So – I could just – get the Council to build it, and-" She cut herself off. "What am I saying, last time I had proof and they told me to shove it." If she went to them screaming time-travel, they might actually court-martial her this time.

"Perhaps if you bring them the threat but also the solution at the same time, they will be more receptive."

She turned back to the boy, speculative. "You think they ignored my warnings because they were scared?"

"I don't. You do. Organic politics are still as complex as ever."

Shepard snorted. Then an idea occurred to her. "Wait, but you - the reapers. You could have them not destroy half the galaxy this time, couldn't you?"

"I'm mostly in your head."

"Are you serious?"

"Very much."

She hesitated. "Is there another you out there?"

He didn't smile, but for some reason, Shepard thought he wanted to. "The concept of my existence is not for your comprehension."

"Course not." She downed the drink. "Do-over. What?" she muttered to herself, pouring some more.

"If there is nothing else, I will destroy myself now," he announced flatly.

" _What?!_ "

He shrugged at her, and that was such an inadequate response that she downed the second cup too.

"You're just going to leave me alone here – like – like – here's some years back, _fix it?!_ " She was sputtering and subpar on her usual level of eloquence but her defense was time-travel.

"You will not be alone." He frowned. "You are surrounded by your friends."

" _My_ \- These aren't my friends! These people barely know my name!"

The boy looked taken aback for the first time. "I see," he said thoughtfully.

She pressed a hand to her forehead and tried to hold her own mind together, physically if need be. "That's not-"

"You and those you kept close," he repeated himself from before. Shepard struggled to remember the context in which he'd said it. "I have a solution."

Her head snapped up in alarm but the boy had disappeared. She stood up and before she had time to begin dread-speculating, there was a knock at the door.

"J- Shep- Commander?" a voice called shakily.

She opened the door and there, _that_ , she recognized. His eyes were heavy, his cheeks drained of color, but the way he looked at her was exactly as she remembered it.

"Kaidan," she sighed.

"Oh, wow, so I'm _not_ insane. That's good to know." He walked in without preamble and she locked the door behind him. That would make for good gossip.

"Debatable," she muttered.

"Shepard, please - I'm two seconds away from losing it." He looked it too, stiff and wearing a hole into the floor.

"You're telling me. A few hours ago, you were suddenly back to tripping over your own feet right in front of me."

"Oh, this is funny then. I'm guessing you know exactly what's going on and have control over all of it?"

"Yeah, no."

"Then don't be funny." She was about to open her mouth in offense when he whirled around, eyes wide, and the words got stuck in her throat. "You were dead."

She sat down on the bed, dragged him with her and kept his hand. "I know."

"Shit."

She tightened her hold on him and he closed his eyes. "I'm okay; we're – you're - we're okay."

"How?" he croaked.

She shook her head. "I think I– it's a long story."

" _Please_."

There couldn't be much debate after that, so she nodded. "I went down not long after I got you and EDI to the Normandy. When I woke up, I was barely able to get to the Citadel."

He nodded without speaking and pulled her closer. "You used the Crucible. But not – not the way we'd thought," he said, his tone an attempt at calm but barely containing his distress.

"Right. I – merged organic and synthetic life."

"Okay," he said slowly. "I think you're gonna have to elaborate a bit."

"Apparently, the reapers are someone's solution for a problem that every civilization of intelligent life has had forever, of which there have been many, clearly."

"Who's someone?"

"I don't know. All I know is they have a bad case of omnipresence. Or they're God. Or playing one."

"You're not religious."

"I'm not anything at this point. Whatever I know, someone else knows more. I'm not sure how much of a joke all this is to them."

There was a minute of silence, but eventually it dawned on him that there wasn't a way to process that kind of statement. "This is a little over my head."

"You're telling me." This time it was Kaidan who reached for the alcohol.

"So – the solution for a problem. Do I wanna know what kind of problem has that kind of solution?"

"Yeah. Apparently, there's a pattern. Organics evolve. Develop technology. Take over the galaxy. And then, they create synthetic life. And then we destroy each other. Or maybe that's a little optimistic. I think the truth as I understood it is we threaten the synthetics into destroying us out of self-preservation. The solution is to – destroy organics first? Preserve them in reaper form."

For a long moment, there was silence. "That's bullshit," was Kaidan's conclusion.

"Yeah." She hesitated. "But it's got a point." He turned to her incredulously. "Not the solution. The solution isn't a solution. But if they say it always ends the same way, I'll believe them. They've clearly been around for a while. I believe they've seen a pattern. I believe – I believe it's always ended in self-destruction, and I believe they thought the reapers saved the knowledge of those civilizations before they disappeared." She realized something. "They're AI. That _is_ a solution to them." It was why the boy had changed his mind, she concluded. He understood organics. She shook her head.

"What you reject is the idea that we'd end the same way," Kaidan summarized cleverly.

"Damn right." She stood up restlessly. The sudden influx of impulsive emotion came with flashes of images and thoughts and prayers that sucker-punched the breath out of her, and reminded her why instinct told her to always pick fight when flight was a broken promise. "I won't give up. I solved the conflict between the quarians and the geth. I saved the geth. I struck a compromise between the krogan and the turians, and I fixed the genophage. And I _know_ , I'll never forget what everyone lost and sacrificed for it. So I'll be _damned_ if anyone tells me peace is impossible, that it was for nothing, that things can't be fixed. Things _will_ be fixed, and all it takes is a little faith, perseverance, a shit ton of effort and the right people around. And I _found_ those, and it worked once. It'll work again," she vowed.

"Hope. Yes, ma'am," Kaidan saluted, a small smile on his lips, even through his frown. "You've definitely worked with worse odds, I'll give you that. But uh, can we get back to the part where you have to do it again? The part where we're three years behind schedule, I mean."

She sat down again, cup back in her hand. "Right." She took a deep breath. "So, I know all this because some sort of entity – AI – appeared to me when I got to the Crucible. He – it – he said he was a manifestation of the reapers' intelligence."

"… He was this 'God'?"

"No, I don't think so. Just the intelligence they created to deal with the synthetic-organic problem."

"And – what did he do?" Kaidan paused. "And by the way, 'he'? He looked like a man?"

"A boy," she murmured. "A little boy."

Kaidan met her eyes and squeezed her hand. He didn't press further. "So what did he do?"

Shepard shook her head. "He – he saved me. He said he understood organics when I threw myse- when I made my choice. And that it made him want to – give me another chance. Came here with me to explain all this. Then told me he had a solution to the fact that he'd dropped me here alone with three years of memories I shouldn't have and that no one else here does. And then you walked in."

"You threw yourself-?" Kaidan shut his mouth at her uneasy glare and cleared his throat. His grip on her had tightened. "He – gained feelings?"

"I think – the synthetic equivalent, at least."

Kaidan pondered that in silence for a moment. "EDI hugged Joker when we crash-landed the Normandy unscathed. And – and she hugged me too when I put your name up on the Memorial Wall."

She inhaled sharply, surprised at how moved she was at that. "Oh," she said lamely, unable to express anything.

"We're getting EDI back, right?"

"Yeah. Yeah." She nodded vigorously. "I – don't know how yet, but we will."

"She was Cerberus'," Kaidan realized.

"She was Alliance first," Shepard corrected firmly. "Remember the rogue VI on Luna?"

"But – the reaper tech they added – she wouldn't know-?"

"Are you sure?" She was thinking. "You do."

Kaidan stared at her for a moment. "Are you saying more people will know what happened?"

"The boy didn't specify, but – he spoke in plural. We need to contact Tali and Garrus. And hurry to find Liara. Grunt hasn't even been created yet. Maybe Miranda, Mordin, Jack, Wrex, I – I don't know how many."

As if on cue, there was harried knocking on her door. "Uh – Shepard? Commander? Shit, Commander Shepard?"

Joker was going to be shit at keeping this secret.


	2. someone somewhere

Joker had come in, Dr. Chakwas trailing him quietly. While the good doctor merely raised an eyebrow, the pilot freaked out for a minute before allowing the situation to be explained to him, which made him fidget in a way that meant he was struggling to keep an emotional outburst under wraps.

He'd told Shepard she was insane in more colorful language, ascertained they had every intention of finding EDI, and limped away, grumbling about how AI just served to make life ten times more difficult wherever he turned. Dr. Chakwas had barely said a word but pulled Shepard in for a tight hug, and then left too.

Kaidan hadn't left. Neither of them seemed to be in the mood to get separated any time soon.

They arrived quickly on Eden Prime, and it was too late to change much already. But it wasn't too late for Kaidan to shove Jenkins out of the drones' fire, nor to hurry and go shoot in Saren's general direction until he was scared off Nihlus – who lived.

"What," Nihlus said quietly, knuckles white around his weapon, "just happened?"

Shepard gave the horizon one last glance, where Saren was a long-gone spectre in the wind. "Almost happened," she corrected.

Nihlus strapped the pistol to its holster without another word, which would be his preferred conversational state for the rest of the mission. With one last lingering, contemptuous glare at the scorched spot against a rock – the result of Nihlus' head miraculously not standing between it and Saren's aim – he swung his head away violently and that was the end of that.

"Absolutely nothing fucked up about any of this," Ashley noted disgustedly, wandering around the area and kicking the shredded remains of a husk. "A Council Spectre almost murdering another one is par for the course. Doesn't even up the ante."

Shepard chose not to offer an opinion. "C'mon."

Kaidan avoided putting himself in danger and Shepard avoided passing out. Additionally, she pretended to understand a lot from the vision she had that she actually remembered from learning it a lot later on, for the benefit of her clueless companions. It seemed like a smart thing to do to avoid having to weave further complicated lies as time went on.

"Is it just me, or did the mind-melding prothean stuff affect you way less this time around?" Kaidan whispered to her, later, apparently hit by a sudden worrisome thought. "You weren't as clear-headed about it last time. I still wish you hadn't activated that beacon again-"

Shepard interrupted him because those were empty words devoid of the reason she knew he had. "Not just you," she whispered back, mindful of Ashley, Nihlus and Jenkins ahead. "But I mean – last time the thing kinda exploded in my face. Plus, how bad can it be if it's already in my head?"

He shook his head bemusedly and they pressed forward.

She returned to the Normandy with promises of Spectre status, a green (literal and figuratively) corporal instead of a cold corpse, a witness for Saren's actions and a powerful ally in her debt. Plus - Ashley, who predictably knew nothing about any reapers or any time-travel, finally boarded.

"Good to have you here, Chief," Kaidan greeted as she walked into the armory.

"Welcome aboard," Shepard added, leaning against a table. She'd looked bemused at the two of them, but saluted with raised eyebrows.

Kaidan grinned so hard the moment he could get away with it that Shepard would have been jealous if she weren't doing the same.

* * *

The Citadel was the place Shepard was most looking forward to visiting. The unanimous decision was to cruise for the night, which gave her and Kaidan a few hours to begin strategizing with occasional input from Joker before he retired to rest, but she was restless to get there. For one, she intended to find out where she might access the Crucible, the sooner the better, and she also wanted to gauge the Council's disposition to possibly bringing up a galaxy-wide threat to their existence.

And then there was Tali, Garrus and Wrex, all of whom she'd decided against contacting. Kaidan had pointed out that they couldn't know for sure they'd gotten their memories back, and the fact that they hadn't tried to reach her on their end supported the possibility.

"How weird would it be for some Alliance Commander to call up a quarian on her pilgrimage, a mercenary doing a not-so-honest job and a C-SEC officer she's never met out of the blue to – what? Invite them on her ship?" Kaidan argued dubiously.

"Tali said some of Saren's people had tagged her just before we met, she got an infection," she retorted stubbornly.

"And we can look out for that as soon as we get there, but why would she even believe us if we just called her right now and she had no idea who you were?"

She deflated. "Point taken. We wait until we meet them at the Citadel, then." She chewed on her lip. "I still want to figure out what to do about the others. Miranda, Jack – Jack must either be in prison by now or in need of help to evade it," she realized.

"First, we see to Garrus, Tali and Wrex," he suggested. "If they don't remember anything, there's little chance the rest of them do. And everything should work out just as well as last time, there's no reason not to." She thought 'well' was a strong word. He gave her a sideways glance. "We can discuss helping a convict escape imprisonment, uh, later."

She ignored that. "I suppose you're right. I keep forgetting every one of my friends are somehow in life or death situations whenever I meet them."

"One problem at a time," Kaidan reminded, bumping shoulders with her. Her gaze instantly shifted to the locked door briefly, pondering consequences and witnesses, and he rolled his eyes. "We're so taking a few hours off when we're at the Citadel," he grumbled. She fought a smile.

"Are you propositioning me, Lieutenant? You know how irregular that is?"

"Tell it to the reapers, I stopped giving a fuck around the time they showed up."

Shepard put down her datapad, because it had all felt like one very long day ever since she'd woken up in his arms and her worry was so _petty_ all of a sudden. She gently removed the one he was holding too. He seemed to sense the mood shift, and linked his fingers through hers as soon as it dropped to her desk.

"I didn't even know if the Normandy made it to safety," she whispered with the tone of someone confessing something terrible, and pressed her forehead against his.

"Course it did," he murmured. The dark circles under his eyes added to the sudden gravity of the moment. "Between Joker, EDI and the downstairs crack team, it was basically intact even after the crash-landing." His hands tightened on hers. "You, on the other hand-" His breathing became a little labored. "For a minute, I was in denial. But I knew."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. You're here." He opened his eyes and brushed a strand out of hers. "You wouldn't be the woman I love if you'd made any other choice. I'm just really glad you don't have to make it again."

She kissed him slowly. " _I'm_ really glad I haven't done that for the last time," she sighed, pulling away.

Kaidan pressed his lips to her forehead and lingered for a bit, because if _Shepard_ was getting emotional, he was definitely not going to last.

"Can we just take a very long vacation after we do all this again?"

"Sure you wouldn't get bored?"

"I could think of a few things to pass the time, if that's really a concern."

She'd almost managed to drag him somewhere dark and cozy by the lips when Joker startled them both apart through the intercom.

"ETA to the Citadel, thirty minutes."

"A little time off on the Citadel," he requested earnestly as she pulled away disappointedly, and well.

"Promise," she replied automatically, pressing her lips to his in chaste, once, twice, a few times. Then something occurred to her and she pulled back abruptly. "The _Citadel_? Did we stay up all night?"

Kaidan sighed as he realized there was little chance they were going to finish that right then. "Apparently."

"I'm not going to enjoy the consequences of you leaving my quarters in the morning wearing yesterdays' clothes," Shepard grumbled, peering outside warily.

"I miss the days when the stakes were so low, people actually cared about Alliance regs."

"Yeah, well, as far as the galaxy is concerned, that time is now, so step up, Major."

"Lieutenant," he corrected, and she could swear she saw the shadow of a petulant pout on his face.

"For a couple more years, I suppose," she tried, eyeing his reaction from the corner of her eye.

"Oh? So my commanding officer, who can testify to my prowess and fearlessness on the field, won't hasten that process?"

"Lieutenant Alenko, if you're suggesting I would ever use my influence to unduly benefit you, I'm very disappointed," she mock scolded.

His expression turned thoughtful. "It's probably better to not try anything like that, though. And not just that either, other small things that don't involve – y'know, galaxy-destroying threats. Otherwise we'll eventually change so much, anything we might know will become worthless. Nothing will happen the same."

She hummed in acknowledgement as they made it to the bridge. "Joker, I might need to call you up while I'm down there, stay sharp."

"Aye aye," he answered distractedly. "Hey, Commander, I was thinking, and don't get me wrong, this ship is my baby, but, y'know, I got a little pampered by the SR2. You think we could start looking into some upgrades? She really deserves it too, you weren't the only one to come back from the dead."

Shepard rolled her eyes but nodded. "I'll see what we can do. I gotta tell you, though, don't hold your breath. A lot of that stuff came from some intensive Cerberus research and a couple more years."

"Yeah, I know. But can't hurt to keep an eye out, right? Maybe get someone somewhere to look into something?"

She agreed and strapped her weapons to their places. For such a civilian hub, the Citadel sure saw its unfair share of trouble. Experience taught her it tended to see some more as soon as she arrived.

* * *

It gave Shepard more of a pause than it should have, how the heart of the galaxy looked before being used for target practice by the geth and Cerberus, and also for targeting by – well, herself. Old businesses made new, life carrying on, marching along straight for the cliff edge. Would-be debris, would-be dead soldiers and civilians alike, one or the other, switched as needed. And Shepard had needed a lot of soldiers.

Kaidan chose the wrong time to notice her distress and try and be supportive, because no sooner than he'd placed a hand on her arm than Anderson showed up, gaze laser-focused on that hand. Which was unfortunate, because laying eyes on the man made her really need it. The memory of his dead body somewhere on the station they were boarding was far too fresh.

Kaidan removed his hand immediately and her superior pretended not to have noticed anything. She pulled herself together and adjusted.

Anderson had so far showed no signs of knowing anything out of the ordinary, and Shepard was almost disappointed. Still, it was the same person and she'd seen what he was capable of. So she smiled at him a little too warmly, but he smiled back and it was okay.

"Udina," Kaidan muttered into her ear a few seconds later as he caught sight of the ambassador in the distance, from which he was best viewed.

"Yeah, and absolutely nothing we can do about it," she muttered back. "It's not like anyone really trusts him anyway. Anyone that matters, at least. We bide our time." Kaidan was left looking like someone had made him swallow a lemon while his puppy was being kicked, but indignation wasn't proof that Udina was corrupt.

Their would-be councilor was too clever for them to be able to afford a misstep, so feigned obliviousness it was. They dealt with him through gritted teeth and then were told they had an audience with the Council - Nihlus got furious that Saren hadn't been straight up arrested, and Shepard realized Nihlus was being set up to be discredited. It should have felt better to switch those particular places with someone. Right. She had experience with this. She could handle it.

"Excuse me," a smooth voice called behind her before she had the chance to give the other Spectre much-needed advice, and she recognized Garrus with a pang of shock. Tali trailed behind him. His expression was guarded but urgent. Right away she knew these people were the friends who'd had her back through the other side of hell and back.

Nihlus made an impatient click with his tongue. They should hurry to the Council.

Her eyes met Garrus'. "Yeah, Garrus, I'll meet you after my audience," she said quickly. "I'll head to C-SEC, alright?" She almost told them to board the Normandy, but she figured that might not go down very well in front of Nihlus.

He nodded slowly, and Tali's gaze jumped anxiously between all of them. "Don't be long, Shepard. It's, uh – good to see you." Her voice shook slightly.

Shepard tried for a reassuring smile as it occurred to her that last they knew, she was very dead. Again. "Not going anywhere," she promised.

Garrus' eyes shifted to Kaidan, who nodded imperceptibly, and seemingly satisfied, her friends left for the C-SEC offices.

"Had time to schedule personal business too, I see. Friends of yours?" Nihlus asked, bad mood unimproved.

"Yes. They'll be useful allies against Saren and I intend to ask them to join me on the Normandy, in fact."

The turian actually stopped in his tracks to turn to her incredulously. "A quarian and some C-SEC officer?"

Shepard shrugged. "Those are rather reductive and open-ended descriptions."

"Uh-huh." Ah, well. Converting cynics was half of her job anyway.

The meeting with the Council went exactly as she remembered. She hadn't quite expected that, because she'd half hoped Nihlus' report would at least shift the tone of the conversation. Saren straight out denied ever brandishing a gun in either of their directions, and it became a question of 'he said, everyone else said', which was apparently a quandary that left the Council in the awkward position of having to firmly decide not to do anything about it.

"I'd please _request_ the Spectres and prospective Spectre present to act their rank and status, and _not_ resolve this misunderstanding like hot-headed krogan children," the salarian councilor said acidly.

" _Misunders_ – he tried to _kill_ me!"

"Kryik, cool it," Shepard hissed in his ear. "They're not going to be any more sympathetic if you keep jumping at their throats."

" _Unfortunate – and untrue – allegations,_ " Saren interjected acidly. His eyes, however, were on Shepard instead of his former mentee. Kryik gave him a look of pure venom. " _I'm frankly astonished, Nihlus. I don't recognize you._ "

"Go _fuc-_ "

" _Perhaps_ Commander Shepard would like to explain her version of events. She seems like the more reasonable voice in the room at the moment," the asari councilor said loudly, roaming a critical eye over everyone else.

Shepard said very little beyond explaining her 'vision', or a much more detailed version of it, because Nihlus took up a lot of speaking time in his shouting match with everyone else. When they left the room, she just calmly trailed after his murder-seeking disposition.

" _How_ are you so level-headed?" He rounded on her, suddenly, apparently making a poor choice as to where to vent his frustration.

She pondered him for a moment. She needed a better handle on him before she started pushing buttons. "Yoga," she said lightly.

That seemed like the wrong thing to say, because she could almost tangibly see his irritation pile up. "He's going to get away with it and you think this is funny?"

She frowned. "I have no intention of letting him get away with it. Why would you think so?"

He looked bemused. "The Council just basically told us to drop it."

"Yeah, but you know. We could not do that."

"Your solution to deal with a rogue Spectre is to become one?" Nihlus was now glowering.

"This is much bigger than a rogue Spectre," she retorted. "He's putting us all in danger with the shit he's mixed up with. I don't intend to ignore that threat, whatever you want to call my methods." Besides, it wouldn't take long for evidence to turn up, but she had a feeling Nihlus needed to get his head on straight before the real war began.

He scoffed but cut the argument short, and then off she went traipsing around the Citadel for the day, intervening in things she frankly had no business intervening in, ostensibly with the ultimate goal of arriving at C-SEC. She ascertained that Garrus had already swooped in to solve Tali's problems like a guy who wanted to win points with his girlfriend, which saved her a lot of trouble. Additionally, Kaidan was becoming restless and she remembered she'd promised him a few hours off eventually.

Having Nihlus around proved to be detrimental to all those plans. Ashley too.

For a start, she had no chance to look for anything regarding the Catalyst – but it wasn't like she'd put much faith in that idea anyway. She had no clue what part of the Citadel she'd ended up in with Anderson and the Illusive Man. Then, she had to 'accidentally' shut down the self-aware VI syphoning credits off the quasar machine, which earned such weird stares from Ashley and Nihlus, she wondered why she'd bothered. Really, like Artificial Intelligence white collar crime was part of her responsibilities too. Hell, one of her superiors probably thought so.

They met up with Garrus and Tali and had to go through the motions of an investigation they only half remembered, and which they'd since concluded. And then Wrex had enthusiastically nearly lifted her right off the ground when they met up, and the way Nihlus glared daggers into her back was a stark reminder that she hadn't made the krogan and the turians kiss and make up yet. In fact, even the turians and the humans were still figuring out if they wanted to not exterminate each other at this point. The lack of a looming doomsday left a lot of room for grumbling about old wars. Not that the doomsday had made too much progress in that direction, but if there was one thing the entire galaxy agreed on, it was not to allow anyone but itself to bring about its destruction. Entitled outrage had a way of bringing people together.

They shot some people, found some hard evidence, and met with the Council a second time, putting the councilors in the awkward position of being unable to ignore their eyes and ears. She was made Spectre when Nihlus remembered to advise as much through his fury, which didn't lend itself to the historical theatrics of the moment. Saren made his dramatic exit without even being present and Nihlus' instability became so pronounced that even the Council had to take note of it when Shepard had to physically hold him back from – she supposed she could grammatically use the word _approaching_ \- his own representative.

"I think," the asari councilor said frostily, as Shepard was still slightly wrestling to keep the other Spectre in his place, the murderous look in his eyes supremely unhelpful to the situation, "that you have forgotten yourself, Spectre Kryik. Perhaps how we go from here requires careful consideration."

Shepard did not clamp a hand over his mouth quickly enough to stop the string of untranslatable and somehow crystal-clear language that spewed forth. Considering that that resulted in Shepard being put in charge of the Saren investigation again, the solution made the problem worse, and at that point she was pretty sure he might burn a hole through the chamber – and more importantly, her - through hostility alone.

She remembered him as a fairly cool and detached guy, but clearly, she hadn't known him long enough. Frankly, she was starting to question the way she'd conducted _herself_ the first time around, because if this was the reaction this situation evoked from someone who'd had much more extended interaction with the Council, she'd been the picture of professional patience in comparison. No one had told her she'd had a right to a diplomatically insensitive temper tantrum or two.

She took charge of the meeting and managed to end it without further incident. The ultimate decision that she barely managed to squeeze out of what meager influence she had was that Nihlus would accompany her on the Normandy and assist with the investigation, reporting directly to her. Shepard took that to mean that they'd decided to let her handle that particular problem, along with every other one ever.

Well, she reasoned as she dragged him out, at least the contrast between her attitude and Nihlus' had surely won her a few extra points with them.

"Williams, why don't you accompany Spectre Kryik back to the Normandy so he can cool off?" she ordered as soon as she was out of sight of the councilors. "Alenko and I will finish off some business and then we'll board. Keep an eye on him, I'm pretty sure he's in a mood to break something indiscriminate," she added just for Ashley under her breath.

"Yes, ma-am," she said, warily glancing between Kaidan, Nihlus and Shepard herself. Clearly, she didn't really want to ask any questions, because she just strode off after the Spectre, who'd barely bothered to slow down.

"Joker, turian out for blood headed for you, let him in and don't shoot," she muttered into her earpiece, and Joker made a noise she refrained from identifying in response.

Anderson and Udina gave her their two cents just like before. Liara, Noveria, Feros. _Hurry up and solve everything._ Anderson had a few further fatherly words to share, and Shepard even managed to not burst into tears.

And then, _finally_ , they could find somewhere private to properly speak to Garrus, Tali and Wrex. She used her Spectre status to requisition a few secure hours of a random office at the embassies. As soon as the five of them stepped inside, she could tell Tali was torn between hugging or punching her, even if the quarian's suit completely blocked the view of her expression.

"I know, and I'm sorry, but we all need to be careful, and I'm pretty sure Ashley is already very aware something's off," she said quickly, and Tali sighed. Shepard pulled her to her chest and she seemed sufficiently mollified after that.

"We've been losing our minds for days, you know," Garrus said, crossing his arms. "Contacting us to explain why we're all three years younger might have been nice."

"No one's any more insane than they were pre-Crucible," was Kaidan's unhelpful interjection, and Tali gave him a deadpan look recognizable even through her mask that reminded Shepard she was the only one keeping the peace at any time wherever she went.

"We could also have contacted her, but I think we all know why no one did anything," Wrex pointed out.

She remembered why she kind of liked Wrex sometimes.

"No one wanted to sound insane."

"Right. So?" Tali said expectantly.

She told them what she'd told Kaidan, Joker and Chakwas, feeling like she was going to be repeating herself very often if the plan was collecting the rest of her squad mates in hiccups like this. By the time she was finished, she'd gotten twice hugged again by Tali, and even Garrus was twitching so much, she suspected he wanted to too. Wrex got very worked up and bellowed when she finished as a way of releasing pent-up energy, which she appreciated. She'd had to bear witness to his other methods, and the most breakable thing around were the humans in the room.

"So we're going to have to go through the last three years all over again," was Garrus' conclusion.

"Maybe with an accelerated timeframe."

"Yes, I'm very comfortable with you not being dead for two years."

"Bring it _on_. I'll rip half of them into little pieces myself if I have to," Wrex was _really_ worked up.

"I'm not sure you were listening, but the point is less ripping anyone in half and more making nice with literally everyone in this galaxy."

"Shepard, part of your charm is that you do that by shooting things, so I don't see the problem."

She didn't even know how to react to the fact that Wrex had used the word charm unironically, let alone to his (troublingly not immediately inaccurate) logic, but Garrus saved her.

"How about Cerberus? They're ripe for shooting, right?"

Wrex cheered. "There you go. Some real action to entertain ourselves while we pretend we care about some politician's stupid concerns."

"To be fair, their concerns tend to keep the peace," Shepard defended.

"If you go diplomat on me, Shepard, I'll still respect you, but I won't name my firstborn after you."

"Let's – uh – try to keep that from happening, then," she said drily.

"Look at it this way, when she takes over the galaxy, she'll be the only diplomat you'll ever have to deal with. Can you picture her giving the time of day to actual nonsense, even if she goes autocratic?"

Wrex looked way too interested in Kaidan's joke, his dismissive stance on autocracy inconsequential. "I changed my mind. Hey Shepard, what do you think you could do with a krogan army and a few guns?"

"Shoot you _and_ your army."

He grinned. "Worth a try."

"Uh-huh. Right, all of you, time to get on board the ship."

She felt more than she saw or heard the question emanating from Kaidan beside her, so she answered it in a manner she saw as inconspicuous. "Lieutenant Alenko and I need to wrap up some Alliance business."

Tali snorted audibly and Garrus coughed to cover up a laugh. Wrex stared at them blankly. "Humans," he muttered, shaking his head and disappearing out the door.

"Have fun," Tali said suggestively, leaving with Garrus, who was the only one with the decency not to comment.

"I hate your friends."

"They're _your_ friends too."

"They're definitely _your_ friends."

"Let's go eat something." She figured wasting time pre-flirting was a terrible way to spend the short hours they had left. "Was Apollo's even open this year?"

"I have no idea, but I'm starting to get a real sense of the extremely off-putting conversational grammar I'm going to have to deal with for a long while."

* * *

Apollo's was in fact open already, but only as a blooming little business on an overlooked corner of the Citadel. If Shepard were a romantic person, she'd make some sort of far-fetched analogy to her relationship with the man leading her to it by the hand, even wax poetic about fortunes and the audacity of hope and such, or how the view from the tables shifted so inexplicably with disaster. Instead, she wondered what kind of business managed to thrive on the same steady tenacity that kept pace with the conflict and despair in the galaxy.

They sat down and her fingers found their way to entwining with his. Just like that, Shepard forgot anything she didn't want to remember for a couple of hours.

They took their time – long after their plates were cleared and their drinks refilled too many times, they kept talking. For a while, they kept it lighthearted, flirting and teasing a little like cheesy teenagers – things had felt heavy so long, it was good that there was something solid to fall back on between them for once. But then Kaidan's fingers brushed a tiny scar on one of her fingers - an old one from some stupid childhood stunt she'd all but forgotten – and she felt the direction of his thoughts drift.

He pressed over it again, a pensive crinkle in his eyebrows. "When Cerberus did – uh, well, whatever they did to you, I noticed this was gone."

Surprised, she looked down at it. She hadn't even noticed it herself. People didn't really get scars anymore unless they wanted to, but the availability of that technology hadn't included her back when she'd gotten it, and she'd never really bothered to do anything about it when she could. She supposed her hands would have to have been severely reconstructed, because extremities would have been the first thing to go in the cold nothing of space. She glanced at Kaidan's face and decided against saying that out of courtesy.

He brushed over the scar a third time, and she moved her fingers slightly so she could entwine them with his instead. The wound's ghost disappeared under his tanned skin.

"I was a reckless kid," she replied airily. "You end up collecting a fair share of these."

"It's only reckless if it's not deliberate."

"I knew there was a reason I kept you around."

The look in his eyes expressed fondness for a second, but it was brief - he seemed to be struggling with something else.

"I keep getting chances."

She pondered whether she should question what he meant even though she knew it perfectly. "Me too," she said instead, maybe letting her voice carry a little amusement. "I officially have more resurrections under my belt than that guy from Ashley's religion. Jesus," she added, as the name came to her.

"Yeah, I – that's definitely part of it." He laughed. "But also chances to make up for my own – short-sightedness."

"Kaidan-"

He shook his head. "It's okay. That's not – it's not really what's chewing at me. I- Shepard, I'm-" He didn't look like he himself knew what he wanted to say, so she took his other hand. His eyes met hers and he must have read something in them that gave him the steel to get it out. "Marry me."

Whatever she'd been expecting, it was _not_ that. She froze but he wasn't done.

"I'm not an idiot. Mostly. I know I don't deserve all this." She was opening her mouth to protest but he cut her off. "No, it's true. You're-" he broke off, as though at a loss for words, and shook his head, pressing forward without elaborating. "And I was lucky enough to find you once, let alone time after time after time. Even if – if it was hard some of those times. I wasted chances."

"You didn't," she said softly.

"I did. But it's okay. And I – right now, we're good. We're – this feels permanent. Steady. Do you know what I mean?"

"Yes." Some part of her wondered which question she was answering.

"I know I don't have anything to prove. Neither do you. Us. That's not what this is about."

"I know." Did she? The memory of Kaidan running for her, always running, always the first one there, after Saren, before the SR-1 tore in half, every step of the way on Earth – all the thoughts that reminded her why she wanted to stop running with increasing urgency. Proof she _did_ know. She was tired of doubt.

"I love you. So – marry me?"

"Yes."

He beamed at her and all the issues that suddenly occurred to her regarding this plan were worth it.

"I know what you're thinking. Don't. I just – I wanted to get that out of my chest. You don't need to – we don't need to just get up and elope right now. We have time. One of these days the Alliance might even not take issue with it."

Shepard snorted. "Okay." She dragged him forward for a kiss because he'd neglected to. When she pulled away, they were both smiling like idiots. Her previous critical analysis of their surroundings was now stupidly cynical, really.

* * *

"Hey, Lola!"

Shepard turned around, looking for the source of the noise, and spotted a noticeably younger James Vega striding confidently in her direction with a large smirk on his face.

Kaidan rolled his eyes and they both stood from the table, coming to the obvious conclusion that their time off was decidedly over. "You know too many people."

"Oh, _come on_ , you've known him about as long as I have!"

"Put it this way, when he's bragging, he won't say he knows me, but he will most assuredly say he knows Commander Shepard."

She didn't actually have a response to that, so she clamped her mouth shut. Kaidan grinned, gave her hand a surreptitious squeeze, and saluted James as he walked away. "I'll go on ahead to the ship, don't be long. Tell Vega I said hi and that he can't collect on future debts."

James reached her and gave her an enthusiastic bear hug, which was so uncharacteristic that she used it as an excuse to affectionally hug back.

"Well, you're not even a little bit concerned you've gone insane, there's a change."

James barked out a laugh as he let go of her. "You joking? There's only so much locura you can witness until you start taking it in stride, and I served in your ship for a _while_ , Commander."

"It was only a few months," she muttered, almost offended.

"Like I said, a _while_."

She punched his arm and changed the subject for his sake. "You just walked up and assumed I knew what's up. How come?"

"Again, your ship. _Locura_. You're always in the middle of it." He craned his neck after Kaidan. "Where'd the pretty boy go? He tax-avoiding? Or - I didn't interrupt a romantic getaway, did I?" he asked, smirking.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Inflation's a bitch anyway, I'd hold off if I were you." He barked out a laugh. "So - what are you even doing here, Vega?"

Shrugging, he gestured to the table she and Kaidan had just vacated, and she sat down again. "Believe it or not, coincidence. After my brain caught your crazy some days ago, I was here visiting a friend yesterday, and then there was buzz-buzz that the Normandy was docking soon. So I stuck around."

"Hmm."

He leaned forward. "Alright, then, your turn, time to spill it – get me caught up on the latest episode of things-that-only-happen-to-you?"

She made a face and for the fourth time that day – or what her sleep deprivation was still straining to tally as a day – relayed what had happened after the Normandy had escaped Earth. James did not say a word as she spoke, just listened carefully with a deepening frown, and when she was done, he looked a little green around the edges as he shook his head. "Por el amor de Dios."

"You know, all that Spanish is weird on my translator," she said in an attempt to lighten the mood.

"Just 'cause every human speaks English now doesn't mean I don't get to troll all this generalizing alien technology."

Shepard couldn't help the snort that escaped her. "Course not."

He turned serious again. "But seriously. _Damn_ , Lola."

She brushed him off. "It's over now. And apparently we get to do it again."

"Yeah, well, let's keep you alive this time around, shall we? Otherwise eventually no one's gonna know if it's safe to officially declare you dead for, what's this, the twenty-third time?"

"I've only died twice, you know."

"Not even gonna bother with that." He shook his head. "The ' _only'_ was a nice touch, though."

She didn't bother with subtlety when she changed the subject again. "So, in the past two days, didn't occur to you to try and contact me?"

"Wouldn't know how even if I weren't some grunt trying to reach Commander Shepard."

"That name doesn't make quite the same impact these days."

James smirked at her again. "Aw, don't feel too bad, Lola. All you have to do is save the galaxy a couple more times and it'll come back to ya."

She found an opening for both changing the subject and asking him a question she was sure to be asking a great many people. "Care to help out with that?"

Instantly, his expression shifted guiltily. "I-" James swallowed nervously. "I really want to, Shepard. Believe me. And one day I'll take you up on it for sure. You're not gonna get to have all the fun when the war breaks proper. But right now, there's a lot of crap that needs to be cleaned up differently on my end. Gonna keep some people breathing for one."

Shepard hummed easily and nodded. "Yell if you need anything, Lieutenant."

He stood at attention and saluted with a cheesy grin. "Aye aye, ma-am. See you around, Lola."

They went their separate ways and she hastened to arrive at the ship, figuring certain people on it might be impatient to get moving.

As soon as the dock was in sight, Nihlus proved her right by greeting her with a glare.

"Finished up meeting with every single person currently on the Citadel?"

"Impatience isn't going to get us anywhere, Nihlus," she told him patiently. "We need allies if we have any hope of resolving this and the bigger conflicts that are sure to come up as soon as we do. You don't make friends by hitting everyone in sight."

"That doesn't make any sense, and Saren's now got a few hours head start."

"Head start to what?" she questioned, letting a little derision seep into her tone. "We don't know where he might have gone. We have no idea who his allies are, beyond the obvious. We don't know where he might be operating out of, and we don't know how to fight him. We're in the information-gathering stage. Recklessness is only an asset when there's nothing else to lose, and we haven't lost anything yet. So let's do this smart and not desperate." Now, those may have been a bunch of blatant lies mixed with truthful sentiments, but he didn't need to know that.

Nihlus gave her the turian equivalent of a dirty look and boarded. She sighed and followed him.

"Hey, Commander, you've got Cortez on the line, wanting to speak to you," Joker said immediately as soon as she entered, his tone implying something for her ears only, and Nihlus looked incredulous.

"Are there this many people wanting to talk to you on any given day? Just how many friends do you have?"

She didn't dignify that with a response, waving him off, and hurried to the comm. room, where Steve's grinning face greeted her happily.

" _Shepard,_ goddamn _, what have you gotten yourself into now?_ "

"I don't get myself into things, they just happen to me."

He cracked up, and his good mood was infectious enough that she couldn't help but smile back at him. " _Yeah, that seems about right. Do I wanna know_?"

And so she retold her story one more time – she was sure she could bully someone into writing her a script and distributing it, the more she thought about it – and both his smile and the color of his face drained steadily as she did.

" _Well_ ," he asserted in a brave attempt at optimism, " _at least you're not dead, that's something._ "

"Yeah, I agree with that."

His lips twitched. " _Honestly_."

She smirked at him. "I'm okay, Steve, don't worry. Just focused on planning for this mess. Again. Speaking of which," she added, changing her tone, "I could use your driving skills. They think they're subtle, but I hear my whole squad complaining about mine."

" _Yeah, I've heard stories,_ " he replied, smirking. " _James around? He said he tracked you down._ "

She shook her head. "He had a life before this ship, and I think he wants to fix it."

Steve nodded. " _Ah. A familiar sentiment._ "

"Robert," she realized, lighting up. It wasn't often that the unforeseen consequences of her actions were _good_.

His answering smile was wider. " _Yeah. You know all that crap about moving on? Doesn't mean shit when I lay eyes on him. I'm sorry for what you went through, sister, but hell if I'm not glad to be here right now._ "

"Damn straight. Enjoy it."

" _I will. Thank you,_ " he said fervently.

She brushed his gratitude aside. "It wasn't me-"

He shook his head. " _Just –_ thank you _. For everything._ "

"You're welcome." She hesitated, suspecting she was fighting a losing battle. "You know, I'm sure there's room for the both of you on my ship."

He started, and considered her in silence for a long time. She began to think there might be a chance after all. " _I think-_ " He paused. " _That if I say no to you, and he finds out I turned down his opportunity to serve on Commander Shepard's ship, he might actually divorce me._ "

She laughed. "Tell you what: have a heart to heart with him. Does he know about this little situation?"

Steve snorted. " _Oh god no. I just got him back, I don't want him to throw me in a mental institution yet. But,_ " he added, " _I do want to tell him. Just – with veritable backup._ "

"Do I count?"

" _Definitely. But there's a lot to talk about before that, so – gimme some time?_ "

"Just say when. And keep him safe."

" _I will. Frankly, despite historical evidence, the Normandy might still be the best place for that. So – I'll keep in touch._ "

"You better."

He smiled as the connection cut. Shepard turned around and there was Kaidan, dark circles under his eyes as pronounced as hers, and she thought she might finally declare an official end to a very long and strange day.

He raised an eyebrow at her and she shook her head. "Sleep. _Please_. You too."

He left her with a kiss on her temple that lingered and a promise to sneak into her quarters as soon as possible. The memory of their date still sent warm tingly feelings right down to her fingertips and she stared at them, wondering what the weight of a ring might feel like.

She shook her head. He was destroying her cynicism. And Apollo's seemed like an inspirational metaphor after all.

It took him thirteen minutes to join her in her bed, and they fell asleep on a promise, hands tightly tangled.


	3. disorderly heads

Kaidan got very busy very quickly with strategy and planning and a lot of lists. He was almost excited about it, which reminded Shepard that for a soldier, he was kind of a nerd. He spent a lot of time in her quarters, debating ideas and plans back and forth with her and also in other activities, and she'd had a rough reminder that she wasn't _the_ Commander Shepard quite yet when she got told off for suspicions of fraternizing with a subordinate.

It wasn't like Garrus, Tali and Wrex weren't just as involved in strategizing, but Tali and Garrus seemed to prefer to bounce ideas off each other in private for no reason Shepard could think of, and Wrex mostly just wanted to be told where to shoot and/or hit. Joker and Chakwas had occasional opinions, but they hadn't been on the ground like the rest of them, and most of what they knew was second-hand already. So it was Kaidan who spent most of his time in her cabin, and there was no other motive behind it whatsoever.

She decided to pretend no one on her crew had snitched on her and resorted to leaving the door open whenever they were both in there. Most of the time. At the very least when they were actually working. No one bothered her about it again, but she was still looking forward for the awe, respect and leeway that time and bringing down Saren would bring.

"And they say fame isn't everything," Kaidan had said dramatically when she told him.

She scoffed. "It's not the fame I want. Just the intimidation. And the immunity to go along with it."

"The immunity to what? Make out with your subordinates?"

"You complaining?" She arched an eyebrow at him.

"So, I was thinking about this mission we should stumble on in a few weeks-" he evaded obnoxiously, in a de facto declaration of surrender.

They had to plan for people beyond missions too, however. Shepard had various contacts spread out all over that were secured over a previous life, some of whom were clearly part of the group whose memories were now prophetic. Whenever she caught one of them probing for information and assurances they weren't insane, she established contact and awaited their messages.

Samara sent one full of reasonable and correct assumptions, praising that justice had been made and Shepard's sacrifice honored with a renewed chance at life, and explaining that since her lifelong mission had been reset, she could not currently join her in her righteous quest. The pang of guilt that Shepard felt at that was beset by the Justicar's vow that her loyalties hadn't changed, and that she would come when needed, but also that she trusted Shepard herself to do the same. Zaeed sent her a very short email made even shorter by the decorative expletives he'd filled it with, along with a repeating mantra of 'goddamn, Shepard'. Kasumi simply expressed amusement, excitement and awe at it all. Neither of them seemed to think their place was with her either, however – which was fine by Shepard, because having a network of agents spread over different species' space and the Terminus Systems was not the worst thing she could think of.

Less solvable problems, however, included Javik, Legion, Jack, Grunt, and anyone else in some form of captivity or otherwise unreachable. Shepard could keep data monitoring for them, but there wasn't much to do beyond that, either for lack of information, resources, or access. The list of people for whom this was true only led her to briefly ponder the emerging trend in the life situations of many of the people she was closest to.

Shepard told herself that people would be people and by doing it slowly and using delegating prowess, she could make sure everyone was accounted for and safe, but she couldn't possibly reach everyone at once, not on top of Saren. Her friends were resourceful, and she trusted her efforts were being shared by everyone she held dear, all over the galaxy.

The whole thing was working too. Quickly, quietly, and on their way to what Shepard knew were more urgent problems, they fixed a lot of smaller ones that she remembered everyone kicking her way while she had her hands full already. Most of them only required a vid-call at this stage, too, which was pragmatic.

She insisted on finding and handling Toombs herself and immediately, though, which they managed because Shepard had memorized the list of scientists he'd been hunting. It went about as well as it had gone last time, and also just like last time, Akuze and his accusations (past and future) crowded her thoughts and actions for days afterward – but at least a bunch of unscrupulous scientists lived and were being held accountable. She had to see her victories somewhere. She also needed to have someone oversee him with a little tighter care, however – the e-mail he'd sent while she was working with Cerberus hadn't hinted at closure.

But there were long-term problems too, problems that couldn't be solved without the right timing and circumstances. Every time she walked in her quarters, there were several datapads spread over every available surface, the most prominent of which permanently displayed a list of names. 'ASHLEY' was written at the top, in bold, large letters, and her heart did a summersault whenever she caught sight of it. It felt like the old memorial wall on the SR-2, but it was list of stakes instead of a list of failures, which made it a hell of a lot more taxing.

She couldn't fail. If only she could get everyone to fall in line.

* * *

"Saren's mine," Nihlus said evenly, in lieu of starting off the morning's debrief. Shepard knew what he was doing. But she hadn't gone this far without knowing how to handle tests and power struggles.

She saw several heads swivel in her direction in alarm when she cleared her throat. "I'm pretty invested in getting him myself." She wasn't usually so confrontational, and there was no reason to detract from what could easily be a perfectly cooperative relationship, but this was Saren, and her head never felt all that clear when it came to him.

Plus, Nihlus needed to be taken down a peg, and he also needed a reminder that he was on _her_ ship, under _her_ command.

He frowned at her, probably sensing her mood.

Kaidan, bless him, coughed and made an attempt to deescalate before there was any escalation. "The point being, I think, that everyone's goal is to stop him. Let's not invent conflict where there isn't any, I'm pretty sure we've got enough as it is."

Nihlus looked between the two of them, his expression derisive and calculating. "Are all your subordinates this - outspoken?"

Kaidan bristled and it was her turn at deescalating. "Just the ones who can think for themselves. Why? Is that a quality you haven't often encountered in the people you work with?"

He glared at her. "Hopefully he's just as good at following orders as he is at _thinking_ , then."

A suspicion of who it was exactly that had raised issues to the Alliance about her relationship with Kaidan began forming in her mind, and her dislike grew. She didn't remember having a negative impression of the other Spectre, and he didn't seem about to retract any recommendation he'd made regarding her to the Council, but he was certainly a difficult character. He'd been a soldier too long. Shepard could relate.

"I expect him – and everyone else – to follow orders with their better judgement."

For a few tense seconds, they sized each other up. Then Nihlus' expression smoothed out.

"You run your ship pretty casual, Commander," Nihlus noted. "But results are results. Your methods may be - unique - but I won't question them."

"Thank you," she nodded, and just like that, she knew any issues had been resolved. Or, well, most, she decided, noticing Kaidan's expression.

Shepard had insisted on rescuing Liara immediately, which had not sat well with Nihlus, who wanted to throw himself at their problem and hope to crush it on willpower alone. She'd told him as much – again – which had resulted in their confrontation, and now he was venting out his frustrations somewhere hopefully not too breakable. She had a feeling he would not be up to accompanying her on this assignment.

Both Garrus and Tali were, though, with an eagerness that Kaidan and Wrex deferred to. Ashley seemed to surmise they were all familiar with Dr. T'Soni, and Shepard was getting a funny feeling that the suspicions the chief was steadily and clearly growing weren't going to stay quiet much longer. She wasn't sure what she'd do if she had to explain to Ashley what was going on, because it sounded insane even to people it had happened to.

"I say let your life speak for itself, she'll catch on quickly enough after you straight-up kill your first AI metaphor for a god," was Kaidan's suggestion, and Shepard decided Nihlus might have had a point calling him out on his sass.

* * *

Three years had made a much more dangerous enemy out of Liara T'Soni, and so this time around, by the time they were done with the mission, they managed to walk out of it at a leisurely pace. For once.

"Took you long enough," Liara said, breathing heavily as her biotics powered down. Then she threw herself into Shepard's arms with a sob.

"Hey, hey, shh, it's okay, I'm okay," she soothed, almost alarmed at the asari's reaction.

"I'm sorry," Liara breathed, pulling back. Her eyes were still teary. "I've been thrown for a loop. This – this _time-travel_ thing has messed with my balance. My thoughts are out of order."

"Uh – we all feel fine. I think," Garrus said in surprise, glancing at Tali, who shrugged. "No disorderly heads."

"It must be an asari thing," Shepard concluded dubiously.

Liara just sniffled in response. "We should get out of here."

Tali chattered at her the whole way back to the Normandy, which saved Shepard having to rattle off the same narrative again, but did not save her from the asari's attention and concern, nor from her occasional startled and/or tearful gasps.

"Shepard," she said eventually, as they finally arrived at the ship. She almost seemed speechless. "I don't even know what to say."

Garrus patted her on the back before Shepard had to open her mouth. "Say what we all seem to have to say on the regular. 'Thank you so much and how the hell are you still alive?!'"

Liara offered him a dry look and that seemed enough to bring her back to normal. Then she paused for a second, considering. "Shepard. Thank you. And I'm very glad you're still alive."

"That works too," Garrus agreed, and Shepard gave the asari a one-armed hug.

Nihlus predictably made all sorts of snide comments regarding Liara's mother and her loyalties, and from the way her eyes narrowed at each one, Shepard was glad she was still just an asari doctor and not the Shadow Broker. Which frankly meant very little, because it was just going to make her itch to get started on taking over his legacy that much quicker.

The post-mission debrief ended and Liara announced her intention to rest with an upturned nose and a nasty look toward Nihlus, to which the Spectre merely crossed his arms in defiance. The turian was becoming a nuisance and it was clear that Shepard was going to be the one to have to deal with it before someone else did something less polite about it. Liara was not a good person to be on frosty terms with.

But not now. Currently, there was another problem that needed dealing with.

"Tali," Shepard called, watching everyone file out, "a moment?"

Just before he left, Garrus met her eyes appreciatively, because he was probably already way ahead of her. In Shepard's defense, it's not like she'd had a lot of time to spare. How was she supposed to fit these conversations into her schedule, particularly as she didn't want to have them at all?

Tali came wandering back in her direction, looking stricken and like she suspected what Shepard wanted to talk about. "Need something, Shepard?" she greeted warily.

"To talk. About your father, more specifically," Shepard added, leaning her hip against the table.

Tali groaned, body going limp for a heavy drop into a random chair. "Funnily enough, I've been trying to avoid thinking about him at all. And yet, everyone seems very intent in bringing him up."

"Everyone cares about you, Tali, we're worried," Shepard said gently. "We just want to help."

"I know," the quarian defended, disgruntled. "And I know I need it. It's just – it's not easy to think about yet. I'm still adjusting."

"What's the situation right now?"

Tali sighed in frustration. "I've barely been able to speak with him, and I used to, often. He'll realize something's wrong soon. And I don't know how to fix it."

Shepard hummed. "So talk to him. Work it out."

Tali made a noise between a scoff and a laugh. "That's what Garrus said."

"Seems like solid advice."

"But how? What do I say? I don't even know if he's started his research yet."

"Bring up geth and go from there. Engage the topic."

She didn't seem convinced. "And then what? After all is said and done, whatever comes, what do I do? Do I move on? Do my people? He's still the man who would do such things. That hasn't changed. So what will?"

"What did Garrus say?"

Tali leaned her head against the chair, gently and tiredly. "He said that ultimately, it would be his choice. That I can argue with my father all day, contest his opinions, try to explain to him why he's wrong, but that's all I can do. Only he can change his mind. But-" she swallowed dry air, sounding choked up. "It is not that simple. He's my father. I don't want him dead, no matter what he did or will do. I can't just let-"

"I know, Tali."

"I _buried_ him," she said, voice sharp and fragile at the same time. "How do I even look a ghost in the eye?"

Shepard took her hand in comfort. Tali sniffed but squeezed back. "A timeless question. Haven't figured it out either."

Tali sighed. "It's a pointless sentiment anyway. I'll do it anyway and deal with it later."

"Just remember this ship's full of people who'll gladly lend you an ear or anything else you need, anytime. I'll fight Garrus for first place in line. Don't do this alone."

"Thanks, Shepard. I appreciate it." Tali rolled her shoulders, visibly shaking it off. "So? Any advice?"

"For now? Garrus is right. Debate his opinions and maybe you'll get him to think twice about this. When the time comes that he starts asking you for the geth parts – if he ever does – then you intervene more directly. I don't think there's anything else you _can_ do."

Frustrated, the quarian stood and paced abruptly. "Exactly. I know all these things and I can't do anything about it. Isn't that _infuriating_ to you?" she exclaimed, slamming a fist on her open palm. "Don't you wish you could just grab a megaphone and start yelling at everyone in the middle of the Citadel?"

Shepard snorted. "Sure. Sometimes. But then I realize that'd just work as an anger outlet. No one would listen. It wouldn't actually help anything beyond making me feel better."

Tali struck some dramatic showman's pose. "And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you save a galaxy. I don't know why you still bother, Shepard."

"Galaxy's got its moments. Plus, there are things I just like too much in it."

"Guess we've got to be adults, don't we?" Tali sighed. "Smart and mature and make pondered decisions."

"I don't like it either."

That drew a laugh out of her. "Thanks for listening, Shepard. I'll let you know if anything changes."

"No problem."

Tali fist-bumped her on her way out, and Shepard demurred in following her simply because she knew there was someone else she needed to talk to, about a possibly even less appealing subject. Unfortunately, if she didn't, no one would, and if no one did, someone was going to either end up maimed or – worst case scenario - complaining to her.

* * *

She found Nihlus by himself in the cargo bay, listening in silence to Saren's dossier being read out-loud from his omnitool and violently exercising at the same time. She was starting to suspect it was a turian thing to eventually grow angry, bitter and disillusioned. Well then, if she'd set Garrus straight, Nihlus should be a piece of cake.

"Can I help you?"

She snapped out of her distraction. "No. Hopefully I can help you, though."

"Oh?" He sounded scornful.

She sighed. This was going to take a while. She sat down on the floor cross-legged, eyed him expectantly, and after a moment of deliberation, he sat against the wall too. She almost thanked him for such an abject show of cooperation.

"Tell me something, Shepard," he began unexpectedly as she was still trying to figure out a path for this conversation. "Have you ever felt you should be dead?"

She froze. "You could say that."

He glanced at her. "Really?"

She shrugged. "Too many skeletons in my closet. Not what I'm here to talk about."

He scoffed and ignored the second half of her statement. "Skeletons get buried. The closet is for things you want to keep."

"Too true." She didn't elaborate but he seemed to get it.

He shook his head. "You let ghosts hang around you all day, you can't do your job."

"Maybe they're why you do it."

"You're one of _those_ soldiers, then. Hmm. You seem too young for it."

"A girl always does like to hear that." She crossed her arms. "You done trying to turn the conversation on me?"

He cracked a grin. "What did you say, the other day, about cooperation? Seems like a two-way thing."

"Fine. Let's do it this way, one question for each, as many questions as needed."

"We're bonding, are we?"

"We're working together, and I like to get to know the people I'm trusting my back with."

He considered her. "This is strange, you know. Spectres aren't supposed to team up. We work alone. There shouldn't be two on the same ship, let alone the same mission. I'm not even going to mention your crew."

She shrugged. "My experience is that cooperation never hurts anyone."

He shook his head. "You're an idealist. Damn. And here I was actually starting to respect you."

She cracked a smile. "Nothing wrong with good ideas. You should try it sometime."

He laughed. "I walked into that one."

"You did. Can I ask my question?"

He sighed. "Shoot."

"You were saying, about feeling like you should be dead – care to elaborate?"

"What's there to elaborate about? I think it's a pretty straightforward sentiment. I nearly _was_ dead. Saren had a gun to my head. I _would_ be dead if you hadn't shown up."

"Nah. There's more to it." Way too much more, from where she was standing. "Come on."

He was silent for a long time. She almost pressed him further, but then he started speaking.

"It's like everything is a little off." He crossed his arms. "Did you know I was supposed to be your mentor for a handful of missions?"

"I figured."

"Yeah, well. That didn't happen. And know we're working 'together'. Worse, I'm reporting to you." He snorted.

She eyed him wearily. "I'm not planning on just ordering you around, but I expect some semblance of a chain of command, Nihlus."

He shook his head. "I know. I'm not saying I won't. I'm just saying that…"

"Everything's a little off." And he didn't know the half of it.

"Yeah." He paused. "Saren was _my_ mentor."

"I know."

He huffed. "I don't know how all of this happened. One minute I'm on a run-of-the-mill mission, trying to scope out a potential Spectre, and suddenly she saves me from being shot in the back of the head by the one person I thought-" He clenched his jaw. Or the turian equivalent of it. "Then she just casually walks up all cool and professional and, just like that, she's taken charge of saving the galaxy or some other such nonsense."

"Yeah. Side effect of meeting me, I'm starting to suspect." He laughed at her. "That nonsense, though. I'm not doing it alone, you know. No one is. No one can."

He looked displeased. "I'm aware, Commander Shepard. And if you're here to tell me off for not playing nice with others, I'll have you know I play nice when it counts."

"It counts always," she said firmly. "But I'm not here to 'tell you off'. I'm here to talk. I meant that."

"Alright. My question, then. Tell me about one of your skeletons."

She wasn't going to get out of this one. So she thought long and carefully before she opened her mouth. "There was this mission," she began slowly. "It went wrong and I had to- I had to make a choice. Don't ask me for details. Alliance stuff." He shrugged, gestured as though telling her to go on. "One of my squad mates - my _friends_ \- was going to be overrun by enemy fire, and the other was – was wrapping up the objective. It was, uh, the exploding kind. And he was injured." There was a pause. "One of them was going to be left behind for dead. And I – made a decision. Supposedly the safe one." She fell silent.

"Calls like that are always hard," he said, watching her carefully. He knew there was more to it – was waiting to see if she'd cop to it. It would probably determine how the rest of the conversation would go.

She wanted his trust. "I picked Kaidan."

"Ah." His tone was peculiar, and she felt compelled to continue.

"I'd known him for a little while by then, and – well. I wonder a lot – what I'd have done if it were anyone else. Hell, if the positions were reversed, and he was the one being overrun by enemy fire, would I have gone for him anyway? Or would I have made the 'sound tactical decision'?" she said, doing air quotes.

"You don't know. You'll never know. You have one shot at making a choice." Hopefully, she really wouldn't have to make it again. "You made it. It's too late to second-guess it. What's it matter now?"

"It'll always matter."

"On some level, sure. How quietly can a dead body possibly scream at you from the past? On the other hand, however, how loudly?"

Very loudly. She was stomping around somewhere right then, Shepard could bet. Probably Joker or Kaidan's fault. A change of subject was in order. "Do you think Alenko's a liability?" she asked, not really sure why she was asking or how much weight his answer would carry with her. But with Nihlus on the ship, she wasn't the only immediate authority around anymore. That had more benefits than she'd expected.

A grin flashed across his face. "Was that your next question?"

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Nope, has nothing to do with you proper, can't be."

He smirked. "Hmm. Loopholes. Hate those." He paused. "I think he's an asset."

"I meant-"

"I know what you meant," Nihlus said, "and I gave you my opinion. But if it makes you feel better, I'll be there to keep it straight if need be."

"Thanks, I guess."

"You're an experienced soldier, Shepard. I think you can trust yourself to handle these things."

"I know. I do."

"Your turn to ask a question."

She mulled over it for a minute. "You're alienating everyone on this ship deliberately. I think you enjoy appearing unapproachable. Why?"

"And why not?"

"I thought we'd been through this. No one's doing this alone."

"I didn't think I was. That doesn't mean we should all start making friendship bracelets. I don't see how that helps win a fight."

"Yes, you do, because you're not stupid."

Unperturbed, he stared at her for a long time. "Just because you have a team, that doesn't mean they're loyal to you."

"No, that's what the friendship bracelets are for. Or, to be clear, whatever they're supposed to be in this metaphor."

Nihlus sighed. "Didn't I tell you Spectres work alone?"

"Have we not established that's obviously not what's happening here?"

"Tell me, Shepard," Nihlus said with an abrupt change of tone. "If you were given a bad order, would you follow it?"

"Not your turn to ask a question."

"This is part of my answer."

"Depends on your definition of bad."

"Bad. The kind you'd put in the closet after it's done."

"If there was a better way, then no. I wouldn't."

"Just like that? It's insubordination, you know."

"It's using my better judgement."

"I agree. But that doesn't always win you a lot of friends."

Shepard arched an eyebrow. "Then they don't sound like people I'd want to be friends with."

Nihlus looked frustrated. "No, that's not what I mean. Misunderstandings, misconceptions, fear, stupidity, ambiguous rules, a general lack of hard evidence and suddenly you look like the bad guy. Even if you know you made the right decision."

She knew exactly what he was saying and yet. "Trust is something you earn. And sometimes," Shepard struggled, remembering the way her heart had broken a little on Horizon, "something you lose. But time goes by, and things pile up. Cover-ups get uncovered, warnings get heeded even if too late, people understand what once might have seemed incomprehensible. And in the end, we're all judged by the truth. Somehow, eventually, you have to believe that's real."

"That's hopeful and optimistic," he replied in a cynical voice.

"Yeah. What's wrong with that?"

Nihlus shook his head. "You can't be this naïve after all the things you've told me today."

"Don't confuse cynicism with realism. Or wisdom. Because if you're in this expecting things to stay the same, and you still fight anyway, where's the logic or wisdom in that? If, on the other hand, you notice the small things – see the little shifts in the water that you know spell change, if you give blood for hope alone, to make the tiniest ripple, and understand that it's important, _that's_ realism. _That's_ what good people stick around for."

Nihlus didn't seem to have an answer to that. "I'll think about what you've said," he said finally.

"Thank you."

"One last question, Shepard."

"Go ahead."

"Where do we end up? Once this is done?"

She wasn't sure what his pronoun game was referring to, so she decided to answer as vaguely as possible. "On the other side. Hopefully, all of us intact."

"You're a good woman, and I'm glad you're a Spectre. The universe could use more people like you." Nihlus shook his head. "I hope you're right. You're the right person to get us there, if anyone can."

She stood, feeling satisfied with the outcome of the conversation. She nodded at his omnitool. "Quit listening to that shit. I'll bet you know it by heart at this point. Focus on what you have to do, not on him."

"You use ghosts as reasons. This is my version of a ghost."

"Maybe those aren't the healthiest ideas."

"Yup."

She didn't exactly have the moral high ground to argue further. "My door's always open," she said instead.

He seemed amused. "Yeah, if only to make sure no one gets any funny ideas about Lieutenant Alenko's relationship with his commanding officer."

She gave him a half dry, half accusing look. "Turns out someone has already, though. Know anything about that?"

Nihlus shrugged. Shepard rolled her eyes and left. It was a good start, she supposed. If all she could achieve was getting him to think, she had faith it would be enough.

As she headed back up, headspace full of noise from the memories Nihlus had unwittingly dug up, she heard him take up his exercising routine again, but in silence.


	4. counting chances

" _Maj- Spec-" The boy with the unfortunate job of trying to stop him was having trouble with his title. "You_ cannot _just barge-"_

 _He barged into Hackett's office, and the man rubbed a hand over his face, elbows resting on the table, as though he were very tired. "What is this?"_

 _Suddenly, Kaidan wasn't sure what he was doing anymore. "You're stopping the Citadel's search." An assertion, uttered in an even voice._

" _Yes."_

" _It's-"_

" _It's diverting valuable resources away from places that very much need it. The galaxy is in shambles. It's been hours. There's nothing to find in those ruins."_

 _Kaidan's fist clenched and tightened. "Hours aren't enough to-"_

 _Hackett held up an authoritative hand. "Let me stop you, and give you a chance to leave without remark. You're not the first person to take issue with this decision. You are, however, the only one who decided to actually show up in person."_

" _And?" His teeth were clenched so tight he was almost surprised to hear the word come out of his mouth._

" _And nothing, Major Alenko. Commander Shepard did what she had to do-"_

 _Hackett was not used to being interrupted, but the sudden fury flaring in Kaidan's eyes gave him pause. "She'd done enough! More than enough! How can you possibly-"_

" _Everyone had done enough!" the admiral finally snapped, voice rising to a shout. "Everyone went through things no one deserves! How is that relevant to the problem at hand?"_

" _Are you comparing anything,_ anything _, to what she did?!"_

 _Something seemed to click for the admiral, and he suddenly deflated, looking at him with incredible sadness. Kaidan stiffened. "Son," he began quietly. "I know you're grieving. I suspect for more than most people know. But you can't work through it by trying to find something to blame. Because the truth is, everyone pays their price in a war. Including her. Including, as I'm sure you're painfully aware, you."_

" _She didn't pay hers," Kaidan retorted coldly. "She paid everyone's."_

" _Major-"_

" _You believed her. Have you ever thought how different things could be if the council had too?"_

" _I think a lot of things, young man. But the past is not one of them. Dwelling on what-ifs will break you more than this. Trust me. You need to pick up the pieces and see what you can stitch together. Because you've got the rest of your life ahead of you, thanks to her. It'd be a poor form of thanks to waste it on what wasn't and can never be."_

 _Kaidan stared at him for a long time. "Shit," he swore softly, turning away._

" _Yeah. I know." The admiral brushed past him, intending to give him some punctual privacy, but hesitated at the door. "I'm not going to let anyone forget. What she did, what could have been done, who she was. If I can offer anything, I'll offer you that promise."_

" _Thanks." It didn't sound very sincere. "Me neither."_

" _You're a good man, and a good soldier. Regroup. You'll be fine. Just fine."_

* * *

Garrus had once asked Kaidan what it felt like to be the object of the galaxy superhero's affections, in less eloquent phrasing, when they were both very drunk on alcohol and on complex feelings not out of place in the middle of a hopeless war.

He'd replied a little without thinking, a thousand miles away.

"It feels like a shooting star you've been wishing on suddenly got too close, as though it actually paid attention to you. It feels like you shouldn't stare too much and it feels like she should have moved on by now, and like I'm the luckiest and most selfish person in the world for keeping it close. And it's terrifying to know you're just waiting around to watch her crash and burn heroically like the legend she is."

Garrus had not asked any follow-ups.

Kaidan thought about his unexpected drunken clarity a lot, when he woke up from nightmares, whether she was lying next to him or already in the middle of the ship's morning bustle. Whatever the dream had been about, the reason he woke up with his heart in his throat was always the same, the terror he'd revealed to his turian friend – the idea that the reason he loved her, the reason he was in awe of her, was the reason he was going to lose her.

Like the memory of meeting Hackett right after she died, again, light-years away from him, again, gave herself up for the galaxy because she was the best thing it had to offer. He needed to keep things in perspective, focus on the reward instead of the risk, the way she did every day.

So later, when he was sober but somehow a little drunker, holding a shooting star, he murmured it into her skin, wherever his lips could reach, made promises he wasn't sure he'd have the chance to keep, asked things from her he had no right to ask, and all she could do was tell him she loved him. He didn't know if it was enough, but he told her what he was fighting for and ordered her to come back, she did the same, and it had to be enough.

It was a hell of a thing, to find something so precious just as the galaxy started to collapse around him. She was a treasure completely out of place in the rubble. It might be sacrilegious to steal the only piece of beauty out of such a bleak picture.

He didn't care. He'd lost her enough, no matter the consequences – Nihlus' opinion had been pretty clear and a small taste of a broader problem they were sure to encounter often. Every time he prioritized something other than her – _every time_ – he didn't end up liking his life afterwards. And maybe everyone else would tell him that was the problem – that sometimes the cure would hurt, that it was the point, to an extent.

Kaidan wouldn't know. It was too late for him to try and use a clear head about it. It probably had always been. So, heedless of anyone else, he waited for her to finish her heart-to-heart with the turian Spectre and then found her in her quarters.

"You know, I used to think I'd never put the gun down," Shepard mused as Kaidan walked in slowly. She was contemplating her sniper rifle. "I was gonna go down with the last bullet in the battlefield."

"Sounds like you," he replied evenly, leaning against the wall, arms crossed.

She put down the gun. "I said it to Anderson once. He said the same thing. But then he laughed. He said the day I would know to retire would be the day I knew I'd just walked out of a fight I should have lost."

He frowned. "You thought we'd lose the war?"

She shook her head. "No. I don't fight to lose, that's not what I meant. I just didn't really believe I was going to walk out of it- you know, walking." She snorted. "Technically, I didn't."

 _Are we gonna make it, Kaidan?_

 _Hope and a fighting chance._

 _Those reapers better watch themselves._

The memory of the smile she'd given him made him frown. "You never told me that's how you felt. All you did was encourage the rest of us." He hesitated, unhappy. "I wish you'd trust me when you're scared."

"I wasn't scared," she denied immediately. "It - well, facts of life and all. This was everyone's war, but - it's always felt a little like my battle. And I'd be damned to let anyone else finish it."

He sighed. "Shepard."

"I know. I'm sorry. And I'm here."

"I know." He reached for her hand and she came over to rest her head on his chest instead. His hand found the small of her back and she closed her eyes.

"I don't feel like that anymore," she mumbled, probably sensing something he was struggling to say. "I want-" She stuttered and quieted, thinking. "You're not the only one counting chances."

"So let's not count another one. I love you." Because he didn't say it enough and it had almost become one of his biggest regrets too many times.

"I love you too."

A little while later, his head had found its way to her lap – she was tempting him into leaving it there forever so she'd never stop running her fingers through his hair. It took a few minutes of pensive silence before she finally voiced what it was that had been on her mind when she'd brought up retirement.

"I never thought I could, but right now I want to."

He opened his eyes to find hers staring at somewhere far away.

"Retire?"

"Yeah. When we're done, anyway."

He shifted somewhat, more to get her to look at him than to have her stop her ministrations.

"And what would retirement look like for Commander Shepard?"

"I don't know, but whatever it is, when this is over, I better just have to ask and see it dropped off on my doorstep."

He grinned. "Anderson would make you work for it, though."

She laughed. "I would too."

"Hell of a good man. Galaxy's a better place for him," Kaidan said, interpreting the look on her face correctly. "He's sticking around this time. Retiring with that Grissom teacher."

"Damn right."

They both fell silent, remembering for a minute.

"So – what you were saying – about retiring-?" he prodded gently.

Shepard shrugged. "Was that not the fight I should have lost?"

"It was definitely one of them. At this point, it's less that you're a statistical anomaly and more that any statistics made about you are just plain wrong."

She hummed. "I think the difference is this time, I don't feel that there are still more fights that only I can handle, when this one is done."

"Ah. Lacking purpose?"

"I don't think so. There's always something."

"True. And considering your way with words, I bet if you wanted a fake job, you could just start gobbling up diplomats on your way to world domination."

She laughed. "That does sound like a retirement plan."

"So, I'm guessing you'd take the Normandy? You'd need a command post after all."

"Honestly, whatever my plans will be, I'd like to see the Alliance actually try to take back my ship."

Kaidan smirked. "Point taken."

She turned serious. "To be honest, I don't know what I'll do. Not entirely clear on what I want either." He caught her eye. "Well, some things are clear," she amended. He kissed the hand laying on his chest and then left them linked. "But – a girl never really knows with these things. You shoot too many bullets, survive too many years, kill too many things, and ideas change."

She'd looked away again.

"Shepard, you don't have to decide anything right this minute. Or ever, frankly. All you have to do is wake up each morning and ask yourself what you want to do with your day. You've earned that, even if it doesn't last forever. And mostly you need to give yourself time to recover. I don't mean physically." She looked uncomfortable and he squeezed her hand as a reminder, which worked. "And I'm not going anywhere."

She ran her fingernails over his stubble, lightly. He closed his eyes again. He'd never felt so warm.

"And what if retirement bores you?"

"I'm an old soldier same as you, Shepard. I could use some peace and quiet." Who would reject living the rest of their life like this?

"And when you could use it a little less?"

"That'll come about right around when you get bored too. Trouble finds you anywhere, you know."

"So you think what I want isn't retirement, just a long vacation."

"I think you've earned some respite. And I'll be with you for it. And as long as you'll have me."

"Well, then, we better both walk out of this alive."

His hand tightened on hers. "We will. _We will_." The strength of his conviction was borrowed from hers, even if she didn't realize it. "If you did it once, you can do it again. Without – without sacrificing yourself this time."

She brushed her lips across his knuckles, a faraway look in her eyes.

"Yeah. We can do it." She paused. "I'm over thinking."

"You always do. You've had to."

"And after this I can stop."

"Just until you get bored," he said, smiling.

Her lips twitched, and she leaned down to give him a kiss he felt right down to his toes, so he forgot most things for a minute. "Sounds like me."

He ran his hand through her cheek, where it had found itself without him noticing. "Retirement, vacation - what it is, what you want - you have time to figure it out. And you've earned anything you want by now," he reiterated.

She shifted, and he was about to protest that she'd taken her hands out of his scalp when he realized she was straddling him. He became distracted.

"I'm about to hold you to that."

Kaidan laughed and pulled her down. "I'm not about to protest." Shepard kissed him halfway through a grin.

* * *

Kaidan took a bit longer after that to mull over why Shepard had had this line of thinking in her mind. He figured it might have something to do with her conversation with Nihlus – the turian was even more absent than usual, and a lot more silently pensive when he was around. Shepard was a little more absent-minded too – but since they were just running a couple of errands for the Alliance and the Council on their way to Noveria that day, nobody else seemed too concerned.

After recovering some asari writings from Veles, he returned to the ship to find her on the bridge alone, leaning against the wall and staring at the stars, lost in thought. Joker was probably napping somewhere. Quietly, he leaned against the opposite wall. Shepard glanced over warmly as acknowledgement of his presence.

"You know, you've sure made a lot of new colorful friends while running around without me," he began out of nowhere, in an effort to root out what it was that was bothering her. He was suspecting it, but still.

She let a grin show. "So, it's more than official, absolutely nothing changed when Cerberus got a hold of me."

Kaidan laughed. "Nope." He shifted on his side to consider her as she straightened. "You alright?"

"Fine," she answered automatically.

He ignored that. "You know, before this whole thing," he gestured vaguely around them and it was probably enough, "we ran into a lot of those – unique characters. I never really got a chance to talk about them in detail."

She arched a curious eyebrow at him. "Well, there's time now, I suppose. Where did this sudden interest come from, though?"

He hesitated. "Call it a hunch, but – I think you've been thinking about them too. Your talk with Nihlus bring up some memories?"

Shepard looked away. "Yeah, well, he knew where to look." She shook her head. "So, you curious about anyone in particular?"

He actually was, so he took a couple of seconds to think about it. "You know, that asari - uh – Justicar? How did you meet Samara?"

Shepard shrugged. "I told you, I ran into her on Illium when she was hunting her daughter."

"All her daughters have that- condition?" he asked, momentarily distracted.

"Yeah. She's had a hard life." She sighed.

Kaidan suddenly understood something. "Oh," he winced. "So… what happened to that daughter she was hunting?" he said cautiously, more for the sake of confirmation than information.

Shepard grimaced and before he had the time to retract his question, she began talking. "Justicars are very dutiful. Killing herself the day you met her would almost have been outside that duty. It was her way of getting out of both abiding it and of violating it."

"But – her first daughter -?"

"She killed her. She wasn't like the ones you met that day. She didn't want to be a prisoner."

"Damn."

"Her daughter almost got the upper hand too. She'd have killed Samara if I hadn't been there."

There was a short silence.

"So you think Samara let that happen by accident or did she falter because it was her daughter?" Kaidan asked softly.

"I think Samara believes she doesn't falter."

"She did kill her."

"She did. And she also would have killed herself to save her last daughter."

"If it wasn't for you."

"Two cheers for me, then. One for each of my friend's dead kids."

This wasn't the road he'd wanted to take. "Hey," he said, standing and reaching for her hand; she held on tightly, "what's bothering you so much?"

"I don't-"

"I can tell. I know that wasn't exactly a happy event for your friend's family, but it doesn't have to happen the same way this time. There's something else."

Shepard pursed her lips for a second, staring at their hands. "I'm just - it keeps piling up. I'm as tired of making hard choices as I am of watching other people make them. There's always a conflict somewhere. I'm worried about what we have to do, if we can do it. And when it _stops_."

Her admission made him wince. "That's why you've been thinking about the day you get to leave it behind."

"Well – not behind, just-"

"Letting the ghosts rest proper?"

"Maybe."

He squeezed her hand. "Your choices do a lot of good. Save a lot of people."

"I know. I don't - exactly wish them on someone else, but-"

"Are you thinking about Ashley?" he asked, voice suddenly subdued.

"You do too."

"Yeah."

His tone made her eye him sharply. "My choice."

"With an obvious reason."

"Yeah," Shepard said stoically. "My reason."

"I-"

"If it's not my fault, Kaidan, it's hardly yours either."

"But why, though?" he asked, decided to change the subject. "We're gonna change it. This time, she won't- We're gonna change it."

Shepard looked much too vulnerable for a second. "We are, right?" _Are we gonna make it, Kaidan?_

"Of course we are," he said immediately. "Are you kidding? We've done more with less, and if there's one person for the job, it's you."

She blew a breath. "Yeah. So many people put so much faith in me. That's-" The sentence trailed off.

"I'm a biased example."

She smiled a little. "Yeah, but not an outlier."

"Well, there must be a reason for that. It's possible that you've earned that faith legitimately." _Hope and a fighting chance._

Shepard opened her mouth to argue, but then caught his eye and closed it again. He took her other hand and brushed his thumb over the finger scar. "It's not her, exactly. Or, well, not just her, I should say."

He regarded her for a few moments, deliberating, and she looked away.

"Do you want to talk about them for a bit?"

She shook her head. "You don't have to-"

"Tell me about them."

Now it was her turn to deliberate, and then she seemed to break. "You remember that shuttle that got shot down as we were leaving Earth? When the reapers attacked."

"Yeah."

"The little boy that talked to me about the catalyst. He said he _was_ the catalyst. And he looked like the real boy that I'd seen climb into that shuttle."

"Oh, Shepard," he sighed, a little heartbroken.

She pressed her lips together firmly and he let her keep going. "You know, the funny thing is, he's probably some kid or even a toddler now, down on Earth, blissfully unaware of anything. Wouldn't know who I am at all." The crinkles around her eyes became pronounced. "I'd seen him before he got on that shuttle," she revealed. "Caught him sneaking around the rubble when Anderson and I were running for the Normandy. I tried to get him to come with, but – he was too scared. He'd been playing ball, before they hit. Saw him from a window."

"They won't get that far this time."

"No, they won't," she said with a steel he knew as uniquely hers.

"He'll be safe," he said, brushing his lips against her hairline. He didn't know how he'd gotten this close, but it was becoming increasingly hard to keep their relationship under wraps. And it was entirely their own fault.

"He will."

"So why do you think the catalyst looked like him?"

Shepard shrugged. "He said it was because he was a reason." She hesitated. "He's at the very least a pretty good general reminder. The loss of potential when it's a kid that dies, it's – I mean, it works pretty well as a metaphor, at least. And – death is death. Every single one I've ever felt on my own skin trails behind him when I'm reminded."

Kaidan didn't know what to say to that, so he followed his instincts. "We should go to Earth first."

"What?"

"When it's over. We should head to Earth. At least for a little bit."

"Why?" He only shrugged in response, placed a kiss on her hand. She almost sighed. "Yeah. Okay. Back to the start. I like it."

They grinned at each other. Then she shifted against the wall. "Still wanna hear about more ghosts?"

"Of course."

She tapped her scarred finger against his hand for two beats. "There was Mordin. You never met him. Hopefully you will this time."

"The mad scientist, right?"

Shepard giggled, which stunned Kaidan so much he almost forgot he was being sympathetic. "He definitely was. I know I'm not an idiot, but he was so smart that I felt like a common fool when I talked to him."

"Well, I feel like a common fool when I talk to you, if that makes you feel better."

"You're no fool."

"No, but I sure can act like one in front of a pretty girl."

She scoffed. "Sure, you say that to downplay yourself, and then next thing I know, you're waxing poetic about the end of the world, love, and important things before we die."

"I like to keep you on your toes," he teased, feeling the tips of his ears warm up.

"Hmm."

Change of subject. "He sacrificed himself for the genophage mission," Kaidan recalled, having read the report. Shepard tended to half-ass paperwork as much as she could, called him a nerd for picking up the slack and doing extra homework to boot. He didn't mind. He liked the look in her eyes when she said it, and frankly with everything she did, red tape almost seemed petty in comparison. It wasn't like she didn't understand its importance, but when she came back to the Normandy after a tough mission covered in blood and trauma, the last thing anyone should ask of her was that. But the Council and the Alliance tried anyway, and that's where Kaidan stepped in.

She nodded gravely. "He – changed. So much, while he was around me. He was a good person. Spent his whole life the smartest person in the room, so he was the one ultimately making the morally ambiguous decisions. At some point, it became a number game. He lost sight, a little."

"And then he met you."

"He didn't need me to take a step back from his own work. He just needed some time and perspective. And he was a good man. He _is_ a good man. And I, well – I always felt he understood what it takes to keep someone awake at night better than anyone."

"You related to him?"

"Being forced to make hard decisions you have no business making? That _no one_ has any business making? Hell yeah, I did."

"But you don't lose sight. Ever. I know, I've seen it."

"Are you sure?" she asked quietly.

Suddenly he tasted something bitter and he shook his head stiffly. "Not the same thing."

"How so?" she asked lightly.

"Because you made difficult decisions, not wrong ones. Cerberus – was regrettable. It was what you had to do, I get it. I don't – I shouldn't have doubted you. And I won't, ever again. But don't compare that to the genophage."

Shepard didn't seem convinced. "It's – in the past. It doesn't matter anyway." She changed the subject. "Thane. The drell from the hospital?"

He realized she'd brought up another ghost. "Oh. I _thought_ that guy was acting friendly to me in an out-of-character way. Hell of a fighter, though."

"He promised to watch over you for me."

"That's sweet. A little creepy and insulting, but sweet."

"I didn't ask him to, if that makes you feel any better. He just offered."

"I'll try not to take that the wrong way. If that's even possible."

A grin flashed across her face, but she decided to explain. "He was very astute. He could tell what- well, what you meant to me. And I think his loyalty to me was-"

"Unfaltering," Kaidan supplied. "Yeah. You do that to most people."

"Gets a lot of them killed."

"Starting to feel like the cheerleader when the opposing team is my own team. I can't tell if you're looking for reassurance or ego-boosting anymore."

She snorted. "I don't know. I guess I'm just saying what comes to mind. It feels good, I think there's a lot in there that needs to get out already. I can't – like Mordin. I can't let it become a number game. Ruthless calculus. No. I need to remember, think, obsess about them sometimes. I need to talk about my reasons." _Are we gonna make it, Kaidan?_

He hid everything behind a careful mask he only managed because she wasn't staring directly at him. "Lay it on me. I got all day." One breath, two, and he could balance things. He could be there for her, he could hold it at bay for a little while.

"That right? What would your commander say, Alenko?"

"I think she's got a thing for me, she'll let me get away with it."

"Oh? Breaches of protocol on _my_ ship?"

"Yeah, but no one's got the guts to say anything about it to her."

She started laughing. The mood had effectively been lightened, so he felt safe enough to brush a strand out of her forehead, hand shaking only a little. But he needed to touch her, just to make sure he still knew where he stood.

"You okay?"

Why did he still try to hide things from her?

"I'm just realizing how much you-" He couldn't, for the life of him, finish the sentence.

She grabbed herself, hands on elbows and expression unreadable. "I'm sorry, this is too much."

"No. No." He untangled her arms, ran his hands down to her hands, and pulled her close without letting go. "I want – I _need_ you to do it. Please. I've never – this feels like you're trusting me with things you haven't told anyone else."

"For a reason."

"It's _killing_ you. I want to know – I like understanding you like this, I've never wanted anything more."

"When I died-" His biotics powered up automatically. She gave him a knowing look that he took as an accusation, and he concentrated on calming himself to prove her wrong. "When I died, it felt like – my goal. Imperfect, full of compromises, but it felt like the fight was over. It felt like I'd done my job. And now – everything reset. And it's hitting me in waves. I didn't expect it to be so hard. I don't want it to weigh on you too."

"When you died, it felt like I failed _my_ job. Both times. It felt like an insurmountable obstacle had been put between me and _my_ goal." Shepard froze, and he could see how desperately tempted she was to accept his pleas. He looked her straight in the eyes because he was cunning too. " _Please_."

She breathed in deeply. "You actually _want_ to listen, don't you?" She'd never looked at him like that – he was usually the one with wonder in his gaze.

"I always want to listen."

"Kaidan-" The expression on her face was all over the place and he didn't think she knew what she wanted to say either.

Of course, that was when Wrex walked in, and as they both immediately took several steps away from each other, he gave them an entirely disgusted look. The interruption was a welcome breath of fresh air, however. His emotions simmered down, and he saw Shepard clasp her hands tightly behind her back in that way she did that meant she was dragging herself back to reality.

"Well, I'm convinced. You two detest each other," Wrex said perfunctorily. Kaidan had never even heard him use sarcasm, he hadn't thought he knew how. "Why are humans so weird about their mating rituals?" the krogan wondered.

They pretended not to hear that. "What did you need, Wrex?" Shepard asked, and her voice was perfectly even.

"Uh – yeah, well, I've been waiting for the right moment, but I'm not very good at that." Understatement. "Today seemed like a break. Plus, I don't see anything slowing down anytime soon, so – I wanted to talk about the genophage."

"What's there to talk about?" Kaidan said, confused. "Last time it went well, we just need to make sure it happens the same way."

"And you know, keep Mordin alive this time around," Shepard added.

"Yeah, about that," Wrex jumped in quickly. "Can't we go off and fish him out of whatever hole he's in? Try and get him to jumpstart his science-y shtick?"

Shepard and Kaidan exchanged a look. "We're being careful about contacting people, Wrex," Shepard said, slowly.

He puffed out a violent breath. "Yeah, I figured you'd say that. I'd complain if you didn't make carefulness work every time."

Shepard snorted. "We're seeing if we can arrange an 'accidental' meeting, but it needs some thought."

"That what you and Alenko and the doc and Garrus and Tali and all are talking about all day?"

"That and many other plans," Shepard expertly deflected, taking on an assuring tone. "We need solid strategizing – there's a lot we know and a lot to be done, and we want it to go as smoothly as possible this time."

"Uh-huh," Wrex agreed unhappily. "Fine. Just make sure it's quick, Shepard. I want my people thriving as soon as possible."

"They will be. Trust me. You've never had a reason not to. In the meantime, you should focus on planning yourself. Maybe you could employ future knowledge to make uniting the krogan an easier task. And don't forget Uvenk," she reminded.

"That infertile son of a bitch is already dead, he's just waiting for someone to tell him," Wrex dismissed. "And can't make it any easier. What can I say, I'm just a born krogan," he bragged.

"Sure are," Kaidan muttered, and Shepard coughed with a straight face. Wrex left with an easy smile, perfectly appeased by seemingly very little, and honestly, that was predictable.

Shepard met his eyes uneasily for a second, and he decided to break the silence casually. "One of these days, you'll teach me that."

"What?"

"The charm thing you do. I didn't even know krogan _could_ be talked down, and you like to do it regularly."

"I have one of those faces."

"Yeah, what kind of face is that, then?"

She didn't answer. "Weren't we talking about depressing things?"

"You were talking about Thane," he prompted, in an attempt to establish their discussion about her sharing skills as finished.

She deflated, but she'd found herself back in his personal space and he decided that was a good sign. "Yeah. You know, he was dying even before he got stabbed."

"I – there's something about the drell's lungs? He wasn't up for heart-to-hearts, back then."

She nodded. "He's probably already-" She shook her head. "He prayed for _me_ when he was dying."

Kaidan had no idea how someone withstood so much misery and smiled at him the way she did anyway. "We could try to reach out and – ask the doctor's – Mordin's help?"

She looked thoughtful. "I don't know. Thane's got his life in order, just – well, there's his son. Still. Beyond that – I get that he's following his path. I think I'll let him. Eventually, the time will come that it'll cross mine again. Then – then we'll see."

Kaidan didn't really understand, but that was why Shepard was in charge. "Okay. He seemed like a good guy." He took her hand again.

She hummed. "Then there was Legion."

"Oh, yeah, the geth." Kaidan tapped his fingers absent-mindedly, eyeing her inscrutable expression from the corner of his eye. "You know, I never even questioned it, but – well. Geth - AI," he corrected, wanting to generalize his thought, "having sentient rights just like organics. Machines are alive, with all the caveats therein implied. Geth included. That's a new one. Predictably new, but still."

She sighed and wrinkled her nose. "Yeah, and moral debates are so not part of my skill set."

Kaidan gaped at her so long she looked offended. "You're kidding, right? I half expect the Council to ask you to replace Udina when we drag his ass out of the Citadel."

"That's ridiculous."

"Shepard," he said patiently, "What was I just saying about this? You've ended no less than two long-lasting interspecies galaxy-wide conflicts, peacefully, and that was just in the last few months. Not to mention how you accidentally wander between two heavy weapons on the regular and manage to talk them into somehow pointing at whatever it is yours is pointing at instead."

He saw her pretend not to preen a little. "Yeah, well, I'm good at talking. That doesn't have anything to do with my morals."

"Talking is one thing, listening is another. You do both, and it only works if you're being fair to whatever you're talking at. You're an idealist, Shepard. The best kind, the kind that can and does do something about it. A peacemaker in the middle of a war."

She looked exasperated, but her smile was the good one, with the carefree crinkles around her eyes, looking at him like he'd made her forget everything else at least for a little while. The Commander Shepard, all the brilliance and talent and skillset and brightness wholly focused on him, a tiny break in time when she was just his.

These were the moments that made his heart skip a few beats, when he got to see her like this - the woman who everyone else always saw trying to hold the universe together with her bare hands (and generally succeeding) - melting a little in his arms.

"You keep singing my praises like that and I'm going to have to do something about it, you know."

"You're terrible at threats."

"But I always make good on them."

"I'm counting on it."

The amusement drained quickly after the quiet set in. "Thank you. For this." The feverish undertones in her voice weren't harmless. He kissed her for a dangerous amount of time, considering where they were.

Later, alone with her and all their personal reasons in her quarters, he caught a flash of a promise on the screen of her personal terminal. A message from Ashley with the kind of content she liked best; a snapshot of a moment or several, a fleeting thought or a perpetual prayer –

 _Not because of victories_

 _I sing,_

 _having none,_

 _but for the common sunshine,_

 _the breeze,_

 _the largess of the spring._

 _Not for victory_

 _but for the day's work done_

 _as well as I was able;_

 _not for a seat upon the dais_

 _but at the common table._

* * *

 **POEM:** _Te Deum_ , by Charles Reznikoff


	5. what the mission is

"Jenkins has a bad case of hero-worship and it's bothering me," Kaidan announced with a scowl as he walked in.

Shepard had been reviewing everyone's notes on Noveria, mostly because her own were lacking, and relying on her memory was a bad idea. She was quickly developing a sixth sense for identifying them outside handwriting. Kaidan's were the neatest and most organized but Liara's the most informative - extensive and labored. Which was helpful but also meant Shepard had to scour through a lot of detailed common gossip before finding anything useful. Garrus was short and concise, and Tali had a knack for identifying the exact bits of relevant information.

"You know what I'm gonna have you all do?" Shepard answered conversationally, ruffling through what was effectively a pile of datapads. "Liara can compile all of our data, what we remember and any ideas for problem-solving. Tali can go through it, cut out anything useless, and then Garrus rewrites it in little words for my personal convenience. And then you do your bullet-point, index, title, subtitle thing, and I think we might actually be able to make sense of all of this."

"My bullet-poi- Did you not have a writing class in the academy?" he deadpanned.

"I paid more attention in classes where they talked about _shooting_ bullets."

"And in the middle of all this collaborative report-writing, what's your job again?"

"Delegating. And reading," she added after a beat.

He dropped down on the chair. "Uh-huh. It's a good idea, though. Run it past them after Noveria."

"So, what were you saying about Jenkins?" she finally asked, turning around to lean against the table.

He ran a hand through his hair self-consciously and made a face. "Jenkins used to fanboy about you, you know. And since I kind of did the same, we got along pretty well. But now, since I shoved him out of harm's way on Eden Prime and he keeps seeing me hanging around you, he's getting a little star struck by association and I don't like it."

She burst out laughing and he crossed his arms with a huff. "It's not funny!"

"It's hilarious. Aren't you always the one to tell me to suck it up when I complain about attention?"

"I don't tell you to _suck it up_ , I'm just saying, there are worse things – yeah, okay, you've got a point, laugh it up."

"Does it bother you because it reminds you of you?" she asked with a straight face.

"You're the worst."

"I know, but I recently got reminded you used to have a really embarrassing crush on me you didn't know how to deal with. I feel entitled to this one." She reconsidered her statement. "Actually, you still do, you've just learned to hide it better."

He rolled his eyes, but she could see his cheeks had warmed up a little under all the tan, so now this was just entertaining. "Shut up. How do you deal with it?"

"I slept with you, did you forget so quickly?"

Kaidan started, clearly not expecting that, and then scowled when he took notice of her shit-eating grin. "You're trying to be funny today, you need to start spending less time with Joker."

"How dare you, I'm always funny."

"Always _trying_ , is what you were _trying_ to say."

"Watch it, Alenko, I know where you sleep."

He almost flirted back, but then he remembered the door was open and he was curious about the question she was evading. "Seriously. How do you do it? With everyone else, I mean. I know it makes you uncomfortable."

She shrugged. "I surround myself with smart-mouthed outcasts with authority issues. Helps balance out the ego."

As though specifically to prove her point, the comm. came alive in her ear and Joker's sharp voice sounded. " _ETA to Noveria, twenty minutes. Don't freeze any important bits out there._ "

Through the open door, Shepard could hear Ashley vaguely grumbling something about her commander's preference for crazy and insubordinate, and she decided she sort of deserved it.

Although – "Careful, Ashley, what does that say about you?" she called out to her, and heard her simply harrumph in response.

" _Well, she's never insubordinate._ "

"Hey, Commander," she said, poking her head in, "since I'm not entirely sure what counts as insubordination anymore, what do Alliance regs say about the opposite of fraternizing with the pilot on the ship?"

Shepard crossed her arms at her. "You mean ignoring him?"

"… No. But sure, let's go with that."

" _They say he's the one responsible for getting your ass out of lava, or an exploding planet, or a giant life-sucking AI self-destructing machine, or an army of those, or whatever else Shepard thinks up when she wakes up in the morning._ "

"Uh – hopefully it wasn't _this_ morning, then."

"He's talking about the reapers," Shepard said carefully, because Joker was confirmed shit at keeping this secret. "Y'know, the things I saw destroying the protheans in my vision."

Ashley shook her head. "Yeah. Again – not this morning, right?"

Kaidan was snickering. Shepard threw him a dirty look. "No."

"Who knows what tomorrow will bring, though," he added unnecessarily. It was Joker's turn to snicker in her ear now.

Ashley's lips twitched as thought she might smile and she left with only a cursory glance to the unreasonable amount of datapads on her desk and a more suspicious one to Kaidan.

She switched Joker to a private channel. "You could at the very least try to not blab everything to her, you know. I can tell she's getting suspicious," she reprimanded, keeping her voice low so no one outside could eavesdrop.

" _Commander, frankly, all this lying won't last. Not your style._ "

"I'll yet see the day where that statement isn't an insult," Kaidan vowed.

"Yeah, well, I can at least give it a shot," she replied defensively. "She's gonna think we're crazy if we tell her."

" _Yeah, I know not much is gonna change, but at least we'll get to stop walking on eggshells._ "

"Gonna tell Liara you called her crazy, Joker," Kaidan said immediately.

" _No, you won't, otherwise I'll tell Shepard-_ "

"No, she already knows," he said quickly.

She narrowed her eyes. "What do I know?"

" _She so does_ not- _Ground control, this is Normandy, permission to approach,_ " Joker said, abruptly switching channels.

Shepard stood, grabbing her gear. Kaidan hurried to follow innocently. "We are not done with that conversation."

"It involves Vega and strip poker, okay?" he admitted. "No further questions."

"Oh, we are _so_ not done with that conversation."

Kaidan groaned as Liara joined them. She looked far too calm and there was not enough to read in her expression. Shepard's attention switched. "Liara-"

"I will be okay."

"No, it's just-"

"Shepard. I will be okay."

Kaidan intervened. "It's possible we could break Benezia out of the indoctrination."

Liara clicked her tongue impatiently. "Yes, and we've discussed this. That is a last resort. The priority is everyone's safety. Us included. We should minimize the variables we introduce to the game at this point."

"It's your _mother_ ," Shepard said, and her tone shouldn't have come out so sharp. Liara flinched.

"I know. But we will not jeopardize this mission. It's too important. Garrus agreed."

"And Tali told him to stop being a cynical idiot. Do you know what the mission is?"

"End the threat of the reapers."

"Saving the people the reapers are threatening," Shepard corrected. "Don't lose sight of that."

"Your mother is one of those people too, Liara," Kaidan reminded.

Liara huffed. "Let us not rehash this argument. We reached an agreement. If we can save her, good. If not, she is dead anyway."

* * *

They saved her. Well, after getting involved in a great deal of business that, again, had nothing to do with them. Liara was in tears as they boarded the Normandy, hand tight around Benezia's limp one. The asari matriarch was unconscious, for obvious reasons that Shepard had managed to convince her of before the indoctrination took over again, and so she'd lived, and now they had to figure out what to do with her.

"I did not think we could do it," Liara admitted after the debrief and the Council's strained and pointed questions about the rachni queen Shepard had casually let wander off-planet. "I was too scared to hope. Shepard, you are-"

"It's okay."

"I want you to know, I will always be your friend. I will always be unconditionally on your side," she vowed fiercely. "Anything you need, you can count on me."

"I knew that already, Liara. But thank you. You can always count on me too."

She smiled, eyes still glistening, and left for the med bay. They hadn't discussed what to do with the matriarch until the reapers had been dealt with, which was the point at which anyone felt comfortable waking her up again. Liara hadn't _wanted_ to discuss it – said they'd think about it if the problem arose. But Shepard had a pretty good idea of what to do, and it involved reconnecting Liara to her father. Unfortunately, it also involved careful explanations that might raise unwelcome questions from Aethyta if done wrong.

At any rate, she would give Liara time to compose herself before she brought it up. The Council wanted their debrief, and now that this mission was done, she knew things would start speeding up – Joker could only make a brief stop at the Citadel before their time to get to Feros became alarmingly limited, time she took advantage of to rest for as long as she could before hitting the ground running again.

This, of course, meant that she almost seemed to be avoiding Kryik, who was very insistent on talking with her after Noveria. Avoiding him was, of course, the last thing on Shepard's mind (or at least she hoped that's what everyone thought), but it ended with an outright ambush, one day, as he caught her walking out of the comm. room after a very productive vid-call meeting with Admiral Kahoku.

"Commander," Nihlus greeted, "may I have a word? Surely you have a few minutes while we arrive on Feros."

"You can. I've been meaning to talk to you, actually."

He didn't look like he believed her, but nodded back to the comm. room, and she followed him inside.

"I heard you let a rachni queen loose," he began, sitting down with his legs crossed. She mimicked him, except for the man-spread part, disappointed that he thought this conversation would take that long.

"No, you heard that I let an associate of Saren's live _and_ brought her on the ship," she corrected, because she wanted to streamline the confrontation he was gearing himself up for.

He uncrossed his legs, something flashing across his face. "Is Liara with her mother now?"

"She has been ever since. And the matriarch is unconscious."

"And you trust her? Liara, I mean."

"With my life."

He clenched his jaw. "Okay."

She stared for a second. "Okay?"

"I told you I'd think about it. I also told you I respect you."

She felt pleasantly surprised. She'd almost been gearing up for a fight. "I appreciate it."

"You should expect it, not appreciate it."

"I appreciate it anyway."

He almost smiled. "Don't you want to know why I didn't accompany you to Noveria?"

"I do, actually."

"I – don't think I'd have made the same choices. And I wasn't sure I wanted to be confronted with it. Believe it or not, I am aware that conflict is unhelpful."

"So maybe that's the best reason to have come along. Facing those kinds of issues is the best way to work through them."

He looked surprised. "Sure. Maybe I'll join you on Feros, then."

"You'd be welcome to."

He stood. "Thanks for the talk, Shepard."

" _Commander!_ " Joker's agitated voice was heard in her ear, and the rest of the ship as well, judging from Nihlus' face. He paused on his way out. " _Got a transmission, few minutes after we got to the Hercules system – not decoded yet – it's an Alliance gig from_ Luna _, something about a_ rogue VI _, so if you could-_ "

He couldn't have been clearer if he'd been yelling, which he sort of was, so she hurried past Nihlus' raised eyebrows in the bridge's direction. "Joker, start using a goddamn direct channel," she muttered, doing just that.

" _Sorry, Commander, but wouldn't that look a bit strange? I usually broadcast every other distress signal,_ " he told her distractedly, and she took a moment to remind herself that this was EDI and he wasn't going to act his normal self.

"Right, yeah," she said, deciding it wasn't worth pursuing. Liara, Tali, Garrus, Kaidan and even Wrex and Dr. Chakwas joined her as she arrived next to Joker.

"We are going now, right?" Tali demanded immediately, and Kaidan exchanged a look with Garrus.

Liara looked troubled. "I- I am unsure if we should not give Ferus our immediate attention, but-" she continued even as Joker swiveled around with a sneer on his face. "This is _EDI_."

Joker turned back to the controls without comment, and Wrex huffed, gesturing through the windows at Feros' rapidly approaching silhouette. "What I remember from this place isn't pretty. Something about pollen."

"That's not-" Dr. Chakwas thought better of it. "Feros has waited long enough, and I believe the consequences will be dire if we wait much longer. You, Alenko and Williams did not come back in particularly good condition last time."

Joker's face was falling a little every second, she could see in his reflection. "It was close, and it's getting closer, gotcha," he muttered with a sigh.

"And if we don't hurry to get to EDI?" Kaidan asked softly.

Tali hugged herself. "What if her interface ends up destroyed completely by someone else? The technology Cerberus based her on would be lost."

Shepard wished she hadn't said that, because Joker tensed so much she worried he might hurt himself. "EDI is too smart to let that happen," Garrus said in an attempt at being reassuring.

"Who says it's EDI? Who says it's not just a rogue VI still?" Wrex shrugged.

"True, there is no reason to believe that – whatever the little boy Shepard saw, who changed our memories – how would he have improved what is essentially a computer?" Liara asked tremulously. Shepard remembered her mother was still in the med bay.

"I mean – isn't the point that she isn't just a computer? That synthetic life is-" Dr. Chakwas was gearing up for a moral debate, but Kaidan, bless his heart, was having none of it.

"What's it matter anyway? We know who she is. Cerberus designed her after what was on that moon."

"And reaper tech," Wrex reminded. Tali threw him a dirty look.

"The point is, if it's her, she's there. If she's not, that's the start to getting her back, without Cerberus interference," Garrus concluded. "We can hope that things work out anyway if someone else goes there, but – well, clearly something's different, last time this wasn't the timing."

And then as if on cue, everyone turned to Shepard. "Well, Commander?" Joker's voice was strained. "What do we do?"

For a second longer, Shepard remained silent, looking warily between them all, and lingering on Joker – then, movement caught her attention out of the corner of her eye and she locked gazes with someone a few meters away.

"We split up," she said. Nihlus arched an eyebrow at her, leaning against the wall in the distance and contemplating the gathering.

She beckoned him forth. "Seriously?" slipped from Kaidan's lips before he could stop himself.

"He's a Spectre same as me, working this investigation same as me. So yeah."

Wide-eyed, Joker looked between the two Spectres as the turian got closer. "So what's the plan?"

"The plan is that while Kryik takes Alenko and Williams down to Feros to check out the geth activity, you're flying us as fast as possible to the Local Cluster and back, where I'm taking Liara and Tali to check out the distress signal. Clear?"

Nihlus, who'd joined them in time to hear that, snapped his gaze to her.

"Yes, ma-am!" Joker turned back to his controls, hands flying and laser-focused.

"I feel benched," Garrus joked.

"I feel _restless_ ," Wrex added, and everyone turned to him in alarm.

"Small teams are better. Both of you will get your chance to shine, just don't break anything before that, please, Wrex," Shepard warned, walking quickly and being followed by anyone she'd named.

"So – I guess I'll suit up?" Kaidan asked hesitantly, to which she just nodded once. Not appearing appeased, he left to go warn Ashley. Tali and Liara left to grab their gear as well, after exchanging looks with each other.

Nihlus was still following her to her quarters. "Why am I taking the Alliance backup while you take aliens to look into Alliance business?"

"Because I think it's a good idea."

"Why am I going to Feros instead of you? I'm not Alliance, but if they don't have issues about the aliens you're bringi-"

"Because I think it's a good idea."

"Why is it even so important to go look into this distress signal right this moment that it takes priority over Saren?"

"Because I think it's a good idea."

"Why do you have to be the one to go?"

"Because I think it's-"

"A good idea, yeah, got it," he snapped, finally annoyed.

"Good, all done with the questions?"

"There's something you're not telling me."

"Plenty of things. And while trust is important, for this, I need you to do it blind."

"Fine." He paused, and she wondered if he was finally getting around to asking the question he wanted to ask. "You think it's also a good idea to – face those issues you mentioned by myself?"

"You're an experienced Spectre. I'm barely one myself. Are you actually asking me this?"

"You told me to do some soul-searching."

"Yeah, about your methods. Your attitude. I didn't tell you to have an existential crisis." His eyes narrowed. She rolled hers. "You won't be by yourself, that's the point. If you have doubts, ask Alenko. That's what I do."

He snorted, shook his head, and left. "Hey," she called after him, and he paused to look at her, "Do it slow and smart. Think but trust your instincts. Prioritize people. I'm hoping to get in and out of Luna as quickly as possible, so hang tight, I might get back in time to help." She better. She needed to be the one to suffer through the Thorian encounter.

"Yes, Commander."

She grabbed her stuff and really, _really_ hoped this wouldn't backfire.

She kept the comm. on the Feros' landing team's frequency for as long as they were within range, but soon enough they were approaching the mass relay at a speed impressive even for Joker. Kaidan's voice fizzled and died in her ear, halfway through a warning about a drone on Ashley's two o'clock, and Shepard took a deep breath, questioning every decision she'd ever made.

But it was too late to reassess, and her objective was clear. The sooner she sorted out Luna, the sooner she'd get back to Feros.

"A little reckless," Garrus told her lowly, later, as they shot across the stars. Shepard did not make eye contact with him.

"Only if I was trusting the wrong people," she defended firmly.

He seemed to accept that after some consideration. "Fair enough. You might want to hurry anyway, though."

"You really don't have to tell me twice."

* * *

They went through the relay and Shepard could tell Joker was straining the ship and ignoring far too many policies, rules and safety precautions in order to hit this kind of timing. FTL jumps needed care even in the calmest of conditions.

But Joker was Joker, and soon they were landing smoothly on the moon, Earth looming over Shepard like a token, a warning, a reminder, and the materialization of her motivations all in one. She turned her back on it, but not before Tali commented.

"I don't think I've ever said it, but your planet is beautiful, Shepard. Especially when it's not under siege."

"Yeah."

"You grew up on Earth." Liara had a way to make her voice sound so earnest, like an invitation to step into a warm, comforting hug. Shepard suspected it was how a mother ought to feel like, or a sufficiently older sister. Then again, Shepard also suspected Liara excelled in using it like a trap covered in honey.

"Yeah." It almost sounded like a sigh.

"A homeworld is always going to have a piece of a species that cannot be brought anywhere, not with any technology. It tells a story, our history. It gave us life," Tali told them wistfully. Liara's biotics shuddered even if her expression only flashed in pain momentarily. Shepard looked away, lightly infused with some sort of inspirational adrenaline.

"Let's make sure they're all right where they should be when this is over, then."

"Right behind you, Shepard."

"Lead the way."

But she stopped the Mako instead. "Wait. There should be some sort of defense here. I remember turrets, I think," she said slowly, carefully sweeping her eyes over the landscape. "They're not activating, and I don't even see them."

"Over there," Liara called, pointing.

Tali jumped out and the other two followed. The quarian crouched beside a pile of what could have been Alliance equipment once, without the bullet holes and the signs of an explosion. "Not much to salvage beyond scrap metal," Tali said disappointedly.

"A more pressing observation is that we're clearly not the first ones here, something's different," Liara berated. "We must make haste."

"Joker, someone else in the Alliance take a look at this signal?" Shepard asked, hurrying back into the vehicle.

" _Nope, everyone backed off when the Normandy called dibs. The distress signal died a few minutes ago._ "

"Any logs you can access that might tell you who's here?"

" _Already on it._ "

The Mako sped through uneven terrain even faster than usual, and Shepard noticed Liara wincing from the corner of her eye. Tali was the only one currently serving on her ship whose claims of having no problems with Shepard's driving had the benefit of the doubt, because her face was the only one Shepard could not actually see.

" _Shepard, we have a problem._ " Joker sounded strained. " _A small vessel landed here almost a full day ago. Picture the worst possible scenario. You're wrong, it's worse. It's-_ "

"Cerberus."

" _Yeah. Yeah, actually. How did you know?_ " Joker sputtered in surprise.

"Hunch," she replied, stepping out of the Mako and arching an eyebrow at Miranda, who stood crisp as always, a few feet away.

"It's Miranda Lawson, Joker," Liara said softly.

"That's. A good thing? I think." Tali's voice couldn't seem to decide on intonation, but the general impression was wariness.

" _You're joking, right? It's never a good thing._ "

"You might want to hold off on all the bashing, Joker," Shepard told him as they approached Miranda quickly. She was waiting for them patiently. And beside her – "She's not alone."

"Hello, Shepard," EDI said, the body of Dr. Eva Coré – or at least a reasonably faithful replica – blending her features into a smile as she stepped forward.

"EDI!"

" _Wait, what?!_ "

EDI switched her attention to Liara with a nod. "Dr. T'Soni. It's very good to see you."

For a moment, Liara jerked as though she wanted to give the AI a hug, but stopped herself just short. Tali had no such qualms, and EDI held her almost scientifically, support points, suit concerns and all. "And you as well, Tali'Zorah vas-Normandy."

Shepard smiled at the AI but let her gaze fly to Miranda. "Been busy, I see."

Miranda's rare self-indulgent grin lit up her face. "I always am. This is proving very exciting. I like knowing more than everyone else at all times."

Shepard had to fight hard not to laugh. "I think we need to have a long conversation." Just not too long. "Where's the staff? Hackett said they'd abandoned the moon?"

EDI shifted slightly as if to call attention to herself. "I threatened to release poison gas if they didn't evacuate immediately. So they evacuated immediately."

"That, uh – that'd do it, yeah."

"They should be in Alliance custody by now," Miranda added.

"What-"

"Commander, maybe haste would be beneficial?" Liara reminded pointedly.

"Right - I have an urgent problem that needs addressing somewhere else, so why don't you board the Normandy and we'll talk on the way?"

Miranda hesitated. "Very well," she agreed. "But EDI's core is inside," she told them, pointing at one of the three bunkers in sight. "And it needs to be loaded onto the ship."

Shepard decided to postpone the questions. "Let's do it, then. Quickly."

" _Uh, that's gonna be a problem._ " Joker seemed to be focusing very hard to keep control of the situation.

"Why?"

"Because you have no way of securing me. I am not built into the ship and the SR-1 is fairly smaller and unprepared. My power requirements will become a significant burden, if not incompatible. I am not even sure I'd physically fit in any one specific room. In weight alone, I might interfere with several tech calibrations," EDI explained calmly, and Shepard again filed more questions for later.

"Yeah, well, that's what Garrus is for," Tali said flippantly. "The power requirements are workable and the cargo hold has more than enough space. The Normandy is an exceptional vessel and I am used to dealing with tight parameters. The team of engineers is the best there is. We'll get you on board."

Shepard tilted her head in the quarian's direction. "What she said."

" _Finding somewhere to land, then,_ " Joker said, and Shepard could hear tentative enthusiasm in his voice.

Miranda and Liara were exchanging a look. "It's not a permanent solution."

Shepard nodded. "I agree. It's a practical one. But the ship could use serious upgrades anyway. They'll be arranged as soon as possible."

The first problem with their plan was removing EDI from the bunker. She did not fit through the door. More questions for later. The solution, Miranda concluded rationally, was to blow away the wall.

"Have Joker aim the Normandy," she suggested.

Shepard was torn between a childish/military instinct to immediately agree to a huge explosion and the level-headed instinct to suggest tearing down the necessary portion of the wall carefully instead.

" _Or_ , in case we _don't_ want to blow up an Alliance facility for no particular reason, we could cut up the wall. With proper tools."

"Weren't you in a hurry?"

"Fine," she caved, entirely too easily.

So they blew up an Alliance facility, and Shepard decided she was going to have a job of explaining this one to the brass. But on the other hand, there was a huge boom and flashing lights.

"This doesn't look anything like the AI core on the SR-2," Shepard said in-between heavy breaths as they dragged what could only be described as a conglomerate of computer parts out of the rubble and through the hole.

"It wouldn't. This is what was at hand, clearly. The result of improvisation," was all Miranda said.

"What-"

"Commander, you'll have to grab that corner urgently, it's not secure," Miranda interrupted her abruptly, and Shepard saved the questions for later once again, lurching forward to do as she was told.

By the time they'd cleared enough distance for the Normandy's heavy tools to be able to take over, Shepard was beginning to feel a weary prickling in the back of her mind, which she wouldn't call fear, but was definitely adjacent to some sort of strain the burden of command put on her. They were running out of time.

She tried to usher everyone on board as the Normandy loaded the core, but Miranda had slowed to a stop. They hung back and Shepard spotted the source of her hesitation when she saw her gaze sneak to the Cerberus vessel she'd arrived in.

"Miranda?" Shepard asked, unsure what she was asking for, exactly.

"We need to talk, Shepard. But maybe not now. EDI can answer most pressing questions later, I think."

"Then you better be expecting a call soon."

Miranda allowed herself a slow smile at Shepard's immediate understanding. "Naturally."

But now it was the Commander's turn to hesitate. EDI's core was almost inside the ship. They had maybe a couple of minutes. "Just – one question. What were you even doing here?"

Miranda shrugged. "I knew where EDI was, of course. I'd been involved in the early stages of her project, back in the day. So I kept an eye on Luna, and when I began decoding the distress signals coming from here, I realized it was her. Actually EDI, in fact, not the original rogue VI. I brought a prototype of Dr. Eva's body that I've been putting together rather hastily ever since I arrived – in the past, I suppose. That'll be your turn to offer some explanation later, by the way." she said patiently.

"How – you've been putting a prototype body together? With what resources?"

"Cerberus resources. I have extensive budget allocation privileges," Miranda said off-handedly. "I stole most of the early theoretical design blueprints off their databases."

"No one asked any questions?"

"No one at Cerberus asks me questions, Shepard. Except for the Illusive Man. And I was discreet. As far as he knew, I was investing a little more than usual in some pet project. Which isn't all that far from the truth," she pointed out. "At any rate, EDI should make sure to stay on top of hardware upkeep, beyond the obvious." Miranda gestured toward the makeshift AI core. " _That_ is no proper equipment for a self-respecting synthetic, and I'm not entirely satisfied with the end result of the mobile platform either."

"It does need some work," was EDI's only input.

Miranda gave her an apologetic look, but EDI didn't seem bothered. Shepard cleared her throat. "And now you're on the moon?"

"I told the Illusive Man I thought this 'rogue VI' was actually an AI and an asset we wanted. He agreed," Miranda finished, glancing back at Shepard. "I convinced him to send me here, and shut off the signal when I picked up your ship was approaching."

A little stunned at Miranda's efficiency in the face of insanity, Shepard said the first thing to come to mind. "You 'picked up' we were approaching?"

"Yes. I hacked your communications."

"This would not have happened if I had been on board," EDI commented.

Shepard glanced at her. "Yeah, EDI, don't worry, you don't have to convince me to kidnap you any further." EDI responded with a blank expression. The ship's cargo door was closing. Shepard turned back to Miranda. "Why didn't you just contact us?"

"You seemed rather – preoccupied," she said pointedly. "And – I knew I could handle this for you. I also knew you'd eventually cross paths with me. So why take the chance that this had not just happened to me, or worse, that Cerberus noticed that I was somehow in touch with _the_ Commander Shepard of the Alliance Navy?"

"Miranda, you need to stop this lone wolf thing."

"It's not like that. Really."

Shepard sighed tiredly. "Okay."

"Shepard, listen," Miranda said, ignoring her obvious concern, and then hesitated. "I'm returning to Cerberus. I'm telling the Illusive Man you picked up the distress signal as well and I wasn't expecting you, and that you disabled the VI. Permanently and irredeemably. The explosion will be a helpful prop."

"Why?"

"Because you want a high-ranking spy in Cerberus. And I am it. And because my father isn't living long enough to get involved in Cerberus business."

"Your sister-?"

"Can sit tight in ignorance for a little longer while we sort out every mess in the galaxy."

"Miranda-"

"Shepard, I know what I'm doing. Trust me."

"Of course I trust you, that's not in question, but you don't have to-"

"I do, and I want to."

Shepard pursed her lips but relented. "Fine. Just – be careful."

"I will."

She was satisfied with that, because Miranda had once been the type to put very little stock in promises of the sort. She could hear Joker getting restless. Two more minutes, she promised herself. "Good. And Jacob?"

Miranda nodded. "He just enlisted. He contacted me, and I got him assigned to Dr. Brynn's team." A smirk briefly formed on her lips before her face blanked again. "I assume he's going to try and change their minds slowly, like last time."

Shepard still looked weary. "And enlisting with Cerberus was the best way to do that?"

"I think you'll agree, Commander, that the best way to do anything at this point is to not make waves so big you stop seeing the island for the ocean. Slowly, we change things. But intelligently as well."

"Understood." Miranda tilted her head in acknowledgement. "Don't get reckless."

Miranda let a small smile play on her lips. "Between my own skills and my new and improved knowledge, I think recklessness is being on my bad side."

" _Nice to see Miranda hasn't changed._ "

"Joker. It's not nice to talk about people behind their back."

" _Stop hacking my ship!_ "

"Stop making it so easy."

" _Hey Commander, you gonna be long? Show her easy once EDI's on board,_ " he added in a grumbling voice.

Shepard snorted. "Alright then, people. Let's move out. Someone's eager to see you, EDI."

EDI smiled and Shepard knew she wasn't wrong about synthetic life.

"Stay safe, Shepard," Miranda said with a smile.

"You too."

"It was nice to see you, Miranda," Tali piped up unexpectedly.

"You too, Tali," Miranda replied after a moment. She glanced at Liara, who smiled warmly like she always did. "Dr. T'Soni."

"Ms. Lawson."

Miranda walked away, her gait as domineering as ever. Shepard herself didn't think she looked that meant to be in charge.

"Alright. Double time. I threw Nihlus at the problem on Feros and I need to get back to make sure he didn't just shoot it dead."

EDI immediately forged ahead in front of them with purpose, and Tali shook her head after her. "Humans have the most self-imposed constraints on their own relationships and are also the first ones to ignore them," she commented, clearly thinking about Joker, and having a go at Shepard and Kaidan too for good measure.

"Oh?" Liara cut in slyly. "And this differs from quarian culture, I take it? Does that mean our resident turian officer has a broken heart?"

"Well, _no_ , he'd make the worst hurt doe eyes. I have my weaknesses. But I said the most. Not _only_."

Shepard had forgotten how much of an invested gossip Liara could be, and didn't really appreciate the reminder as she and Tali walked back to the ship under heavy bombardment, which they engaged in not-at-all reluctantly, actually. She supposed it was a good thing that they could retain some lightheartedness in the face of such danger, but she also supposed it was a bad thing they'd normalized it to this degree.

The first thing EDI did aboard the ship was head for Joker, determinedly offering silent support as she was cut off from her usual connection to the Normandy. Shepard was almost tempted to go talk to them right away, but the AI merely informed her of an unreasonable ETA, which Shepard knew would prove accurate, and soon enough they were rushing through the mass relay and approaching Feros at speeds only her pilot could pull off.

"The colonists," Shepard muttered when they got close enough.

"Gone wild. On course with last time then. Eyes sharp, Commander. I'm gonna have to drop in hot."

"I'm going alone. Do it."

"That is a _terrible_ idea, Shepard-"

"Don't argue with me, Joker."

"Damn it. Don't make me have to leave you to die a third time, _please_." Joker wouldn't look at her, and EDI glanced over worriedly.

"Jeff, if I died a third time, I'd deserve to stay dead. Now, c'mon. I'll be fine. Drop me." Her voice had gone a lot softer, all of a sudden.

He didn't reply but complied.

"Hold tight. This is gonna be fast and rough."


	6. willing shifts

Shepard had not thought this through.

Joker had barely managed to drop her off before the colonists reached the Normandy, and it was only the surprise factor that allowed her to sprint out to Zhu's Hope's garage as he hurried to lock the airlock behind her. That also meant she was alone in the middle of dozens of hostiles, their collective attention focused solely on her, with barely any cover and very little time to design a strategy.

She had no non-lethal weapons, naturally, which meant that she could either try to run for it and let her shields be decimated by the colonists, praying they'd last her that long, or she could neutralize the threat from a distance, which was a fancy way of saying she could commit the murder of the victims in this situation.

"Right, then," she muttered, and immediately set off running. Predictably, the mind-controlled people followed.

" _Uh, Commander? Can't reach the landing team._ "

"Geth."

" _Right, I meant – they're not gonna reach you any time soon, if they're still over there. Or, well, for accuracy's sake, they're not going to reach you quickly enough to help. That is, if they're not the ones in need of help._ "

"I'll be fine, Joker," she said, and if her voice was a little harsher than it should be, well, she was bad at lying.

She rolled to the left to avoid some bear-shaped colonist who'd decided, quite sensibly, that tackling her would end all this very quickly. Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted the way to the ExoGeni facility. In the complete opposite direction were the freighter controls. She hesitated. The elevator that went out to the facility was a lot farther away. On the other hand, the entrance to the lair took a while to open up, if she remembered correctly, and once she was down there, she was one hundred percent not going to take the Thorian down by herself.

She let out a breath as yet another colonist got close enough to engage in hand-to-hand combat. _Do not kill her. Do not kill her._ She went sprawling behind Shepard, which would maybe leave her with some bruises and burnt scratches, but alive. The less fortunate side effect was that Shepard's shields were now out for the count.

She swallowed dry air and took off in a sprint again, shoving through the cluster of raging people that had formed around her while she'd been busy. A couple fell like bowling pins. The elevator provided only very brief reprieve, during which Shepard tensely stared at the door until it opened to reveal a new wave of people. _Keep running_. That was the only thing that occurred to her mind at that point. Someone found a rifle and now she had to dodge shots too.

She threw a grenade behind her to give herself some camouflage in the smoke, ran faster, and looked around frantically before it ran out. _There._ She leapt over a piece of metal that might have been something once and looked thick enough to handle gunfire. Only once she'd crouched did she feel a flash of burning pain in her left lower leg. She groaned.

"That'll make it a bit harder to run, won't it?" she snapped, as though irritated at her own leg for getting shot. Or maybe at herself.

" _Commander?"_ She started at Kaidan's voice.

" _Commander!_ "

" _Communications back online!_ " Joker announced unnecessarily.

"Thanks, I noticed."

" _What's going on?_ " Nihlus demanded immediately. " _Are you on the ground?_ "

"Yes. What's your twenty?"

" _Making our way back to the colony, we've got some ExoGeni scientist-_ What are you doing?" he whisper-yelled, and Shepard knew the other spectre was no longer addressing her.

"Status?" Shepard could hear the colonists approach. She craned her neck to look around. Her way out to the skyway was now a lot closer, and the door could be slammed on their faces if she could get there. Then hopefully Nihlus would have the gas to knock them out safely. She considered her options quickly, listening for what was happening with the others.

" _The ExoGeni scientist,_ " Kaidan whispered. Faint muffled sounds came over the comm. in the background, some shuffling around and boots hitting pavement.

" _She left the Mako, ran for-_ " Ashley was adding until they went abruptly silent.

Shepard swore. She remembered what had happened. But she had her own problems – hopefully Kaidan would be able to conduct the confrontation to a peaceful resolution. The colonists had found and practically surrounded her.

She took off again, only slightly wincing at having to put weight on her leg. She needed to find time to apply medigel, ideally before the inevitable adrenaline crash.

The back of her neck prickled and she hit the ground in a roll that turned into a jump to avoid the bullet that whizzed past her. Her leg let her know its displeasure at the stunt and she pressed forward faster.

That's when the husks began popping up. At least these she could shoot. The chatter in her ear was becoming insistent, but she ignored it, thinking fast. She was too outnumbered. She needed a better solution than running or she was going to fail.

That's when she noticed she was standing near some sort of small vehicle, likely for going around the facility Nihlus was returning from. One of the colonists had probably brought it here. She looked back at her objective. There were only husks that far. Maybe a couple of colonists guarding the locked door, but they were behind cover. "That works."

Someone had found more weapons. She climbed into the car hurriedly, but it offered no protection. She was still dodging bullets. A burst of energy made the ignition system flare, and the thing came to life.

It was not very fast, but the husks she ran over weren't very durable. One of them grabbed on and sped toward the door with her, so she slammed the butt of her gun on its head upon arrival, jumping out of her seat. She ducked behind the car's metal structure immediately as the colonists she was now in clear view of took aim. She knew a couple of bullets would pierce it, however, so her plan was reduced to hauling ass. She was right next to the controls.

The door opened easily under her touch, and she sprinted through it, slamming it closed as one last shot sounded way too close to her ear. Something twitched right next to her, and she shot the husk without hesitation, killing it before it had even stood.

"Well. That was that."

" _You're completely insane, you know that? I hope you know that._ " Joker said, voice nonchalant and accelerated in that anxiety-adjacent way of his.

" _What the hell just happened, Shepard?!_ " Kaidan demanded, abandoning propriety. Nihlus and Ashley were going to love that.

Shepard ignored both of them and dropped down, back against the door. The husks were hammering on it, she could faintly feel it, only slightly louder than the thumping in her chest. She inspected herself. Miraculously, there were no other holes on her body.

" _Commander, we're a minute out._ "

"I see you, Williams," she replied, spotting the Mako in the distance. Somehow, she could hear Kaidan's icy disapproval in the silence. "And I'm fine, Alenko. Went for a little sprint. Just got a bit shot. I, uh, think I'm gonna wait for you to get here to take a look."

That had the desired effect. "What? _Why? Where are you shot? Is it bad?_ " His tone had lost any irritation, full of concern instead.

"Nah, I don't think so," she said casually, deliberately not answering the other questions.

He swore in French, which peaked her interest, and then remembered he was supposed to act his position as a medic. " _Don't move. If it's bleeding, press something on it. As clean as you can find it. Don't you have medigel?_ "

"Worried about properly applying it myself, it's a bit of an awkward angle. Might mess it up."

The Mako came to a smooth halt right in front of her, which Shepard figured was Nihlus' way to tell her the problem everyone had with her driving didn't originate in the vehicle itself.

Without her quite being aware of it, Kaidan had flashed over to her, and was gently lifting her injured leg in the blink of an eye. She hissed. His eyes flickered to her. "How bad does it hurt?"

"Not too bad."

"Is that in a normal scale, or the Jane Shepard scale?"

"What the hell is the Jane Shepard scale?"

"It's the one that measures pain from a-reaper-died-on-top-of-me, through I-got-spaced, to I-got-melded-with-the-entire-galaxy," he murmured just for her.

"That last one didn't hurt, you know. Or at the very least my nerves had already been fried beyond feeling it." She felt a tiny prickle and the pain vanished. "All done, Lieutenant?" she asked, referring to multiple aspects of their situation.

He arched an eyebrow at her and pulled her up by the hand. He didn't let go as fast as he could have. "That was stupid dangerous and I can't believe you got away with only a shot to the leg."

"This is not even near the craziest thing I've ever done."

"Which by no metric makes it normal."

"You gotta learn to see these stunts on a linear spectrum. For a relative kind of perspective."

He rolled his eyes and stepped back, glaring. " _No_."

Ashley and Nihlus thought it safe to approach then. "What's the plan?" was the other Spectre's only comment.

"You tell me. Aren't you in charge?"

"If I were, I'd have told anyone on board of the Normandy to not exit into the middle of mind-controlled armed colonists, particularly by herself."

"Pretty impressive, right?"

"Yes, but I don't think that was his point, Commander," Ashley interceded, smirking.

Kaidan was still glaring, but now he also looked exasperated. "We have the gas. You probably heard," he hinted.

"Yeah, I did. I just missed the part where you dealt with the ExoGeni asshole? Too many deadly things requiring my attention back there." She jammed a thumb in the direction of the door behind her.

"Turns out he responds well to intimidation," Nihlus explained, looking pleased with himself.

"To a threat," Kaidan corrected, "he means a threat. Spectres have plenty of leeway to back those up."

"Guy was shaking on his feet. I think I prefer your way of doing it, Skipper," Ashley said, a little tongue-in-cheek. The turian paid her no mind.

"Alenko thought shooting him in the head was unreasonable," Nihlus shrugged.

"Still can't believe you listened to him," Ashley mumbled, clearly unable to resist the jabs.

Nihlus arched an eyebrow at Shepard but otherwise didn't comment.

"C'mon. We're wasting time," was her only response. "Kryik, the plan?"

He scowled at her, clearly disgruntled at her stubbornness. "Hit the people with night-night gas and the walking carcasses with bullets," he said, pointing at the dead husk next to Shepard. Ashley made a disgusted noise as she regarded it.

Shepard nodded cheerfully. "Sounds good. Lead the way." He walked past her with a sigh.

"We got more 'cause you were on the ground," Kaidan explained, handing her the anti-Thorian gas grenades.

"Thanks."

Nihlus opened the door as soon as they were in position, and Ashley threw the first grenade at the two colonists still pointing weapons at the entrance.

* * *

They made short work of the colony, not unlike last time, only made shorter by the addition of a fourth person. All colonists were saved, scattered across the floor where they'd stood. Also scattered across the floor were bits and pieces of husk gore, considerably deader.

"The controls. Over there," Ashley called, saving Shepard and Kaidan from having to 'notice' it themselves.

The passage opened, Fai Dan showed up and shot himself, and Nihlus' annoyance seemed to reach critical levels. "Who exactly is going to lead these people now? What's going to happen to this colony?" he complained quietly as they went down. Only the turian Spectre could express concern and distress through annoyance.

"Someone will rise to the challenge. Always does."

"Just as good, eh?" Kaidan commented. Shepard paused and gave him a look behind the other two's backs.

"Probably not, but as long as there's someone to hold out a hand, that's all we can ask for, right?" Ashley replied obliviously.

Shepard grinned widely at her back. "Right you are, Chief."

"Power shifts as people shift. Means we're doing something right," Nihlus added thoughtfully.

Kaidan was pursing his lips. "Not a whole lot of willing shifts from where I stood."

Nihlus shrugged. "Who said anything about willing?"

Nobody had any further notes. Shepard caught Kaidan's eye. He seemed temporarily appeased by that.

The asari clone's introduction and further explanations did not improve Nihlus' mood, which was a perpetual state of affairs, clearly. The overall conclusion was that Saren was still a multi-faceted dick, versatile with his victims.

She mostly let the other Spectre go through the same motions she had, jumping in once or twice to hasten things along. The wave of husks was just as unpleasant as last time, and the asari clones just as overwhelming. In broader terms, the Thorian was just as generally deadly.

And then finally, they stood across the chasm it had just fallen down, staring at the asari it had spat out. Nihlus wanted to shoot her, which didn't make the best impression. She moved closer to Shepard, who moved closer to Ashley, remembering the unexpected interaction she'd last had with Shiala.

" _No_ ," was all Shepard told the turian, who lowered his weapon without comment.

"So I can leave?" Shiala asked hopefully.

"Help the colony. They're gonna need it," Kaidan piped up when no one else did.

Shiala was in perfect agreement, leaving with purpose after a lengthy talk, the Cypher now a headache in Shepard's head.

"Make any sense of anything in your head?" Nihlus asked as they made their way out.

Shepard didn't trust her acting skills too much, so she shook her head blankly and said, "Not here. We'll talk on the ship." He seemed disappointed but compliant.

"That doesn't sound ominous at all, Commander."

* * *

It was strange to watch Nihlus be thanked and praised the way she had been, at the end of the mission. It also felt pretty good to be able to slip by undetected, the attention for once on someone else – this time, Shepard wouldn't have to wonder at every pair of eyes, every word, every opinion - she hadn't made any choices, and it wasn't her place to wonder at the other possibilities or face anyone's music.

So just as she was pondering the versatility of her place in history, Kaidan was naturally pondering its immutability.

"Something always lives on," he said unexpectedly just as they were boarding the ship, having left Nihlus behind to be overwhelmed by the colonists. The turian was predictably out of his comfort zone and looking it too. Shepard had an instant change of heart and felt an urge to go join him to avoid Kaidan's oncoming tirade.

"What?" Ashley sounded bemused. Kaidan looked stubbornly intent, which wasn't anything new, but had been particularly pronounced since the Thorian encounter.

"From a leader," he clarified, gaze briefly flickering to Shepard, who decided to just listen. "Good, bad. Wins and losses. Something got added to a story, a DNA. It matters. And some of them leave a very big hole behind when they depart."

"That doesn't detract from what they added."

"An unfinished story is still an unfinished story."

Ashley glanced back briefly when they were allowed to step inside and out of the airlock. "Only when no one's left behind to pick the pen back up. It's the ultimate failure to be a leader whose mantle can't be picked up by anyone they'd led. A message shouldn't – doesn't – die with any one person."

"That's what I said."

"Well, good. I just don't understand why you think others wouldn't understand this just as well."

"There are some things not everyone can do."

Ashley frowned at him. "What's eating at you, Lieutenant?"

Shepard came to his rescue. "We all have our nightmares, Ashley." Kaidan winced and looked away.

Ashley frowned further but didn't press. "Okay. Just – we're not going anywhere with defeatism. Keep that in mind."

" _Trust me_ , I do. That's not it. That's the point, actually."

She didn't seem convinced, maybe a little bemused, but left anyway, presumably in the direction of her locker. Shepard grabbed Kaidan's arm before he could follow.

"You know I'm not going anywhere, Alenko, right?"

He snorted, allowing himself to be conducted. "I'd like to see you keep me away if you tried."

"I'm not sure how to take that, so I'll ignore it. And she's right, you know?"

He pressed his lips into a thin line. "She's not. It's – she doesn't realize-" He fell silent, but it wasn't hard to fill in the blanks.

"I think she does. People come and go, and the universe goes on. This is not news to you."

"The galaxy wasn't _ready_ ," he burst, "to see you go. Not – not then. The Normandy was basically mobbed, I-" He pinched his nose. "You would have been able to handle it. The quarians, the geth, the krogan, the rachni, the relays, the synthesis, you – things only you – the galaxy wasn't ready," he repeated.

She paused in the middle of the CIC, so that Kaidan lingered as well, waiting her out patiently. Feeling like she'd had this conversation with another scared little boy already, Shepard stared at him, struggling to find the words. "Of course the galaxy was ready. Of course I'm not the only one who'd have been able to handle it. That's why Nihlus just concluded this mission as successfully as me. Kaidan, the galaxy is full of people – some are rotten and some are too good, and a few of them are special. And all of them have a role in keeping it turning. No matter how they make use of that role, time doesn't stop for the best heroics or the worst atrocities. To think I have some sort of particularly indispensable part is-" She trailed off, figuring that conveyed what she meant effectively.

He threw his hands in the air, frustration clear in the way he stomped over to the elevator. "Shepard, I understand what you're saying, I do. But – there came a point when you became-" He opened and closed his mouth several times. Then he cleared his throat. "You at least have to agree with me that you'd have made things easier. After the fighting was done, when – picking up the pieces. A lot easier. What do you do with the ashes when the fire's stopped burning? And no way we'd have won the war without you."

"A lot might be a stretch."

"Shepard."

"We'll find out, won't we?"

That was the only thing to settle him. "Yeah. You better not forget that. I'm taking it as a promise." Shepard paused, as they'd reached the med bay, and Kaidan saved her from answering by finally paying attention to their surroundings. "What're we doing here?"

"Benezia," she reminded, and forged ahead. Kaidan hesitated at the door, but Shepard made a small flicking motion with her wrist behind her back, so he followed.

Dr. Chakwas noticed them come in before Liara did. The asari was going through what looked like a lengthy report on a datapad, but her free hand was still tightly gripping her mother's.

"Everything alright with the matriarch?" Shepard asked of the doctor, who she'd approached first.

"Her vitals are fine; the drugs are working as intended. I wouldn't keep her in the induced coma for too long, but I have no pressing concerns. Her brain activity is regular, within indoctrination parameters, of course."

Shepard hesitated. "How long is too long?"

Chakwas considered her clinically. Liara was now paying attention to them. "How accelerated is this new, ah, timeframe again?"

"Pretty accelerated. Just not Planck levels. We're trying not to make too many waves."

Chakwas looked reticent. "I'd recommend considering alternatives in how she is handled until the reaper problem is dealt with, then."

Liara let out a soft breath. "Surely a few months-"

Chakwas gave her a look. "You know as well as I do, Dr. T'Soni, that asari don't handle such things very well. I strongly discourage it."

Liara's expression flashed in something that morphed to frustration. "But there _aren't_ any alternatives."

"I've thought of something," Shepard announced.

"Course you have."

"What?"

"Your father."

Dumbfounded, Liara switched her mother's hold from one hand to the other twice. In her distraction, the datapad had ended up on top of Benezia. "My - my father, of course. I – But what would we tell her?"

"That's the part I hadn't quite worked out yet."

"But how would that keep the indoctrination in check?" Kaidan asked.

"Because Aethyta's biotics spike higher than my mother's, and because they were joined once. And because she will understand," Liara worked out slowly. "I trust her to know when to- bring her under. Sporadically. Not perpetually."

"That's – a gamble," was Kaidan's wary conclusion, "but Shepard is good for those."

"But what will we tell her?" Chakwas pressed. "Surely she won't simply agree to this?"

Shepard didn't want to say it, which is why she was glad when Liara did it for her. "We tell her the truth," the asari said, staring at her mother and bringing her hand up to grasp it against her heart.

Kaidan seemed alarmed. They hadn't attempted to tell someone about their insane situation, mostly because it was insane. "Is that the best idea?" he questioned tentatively.

"We'll have to do some talking," Shepard said evasively, regaining control of the conversation.

"I – I can handle it." Liara had never sounded like she could handle something less.

"Nobody on my ship goes out on missions alone," Shepard countered firmly. "I didn't think I still needed to make that clear."

"You don't, I – you don't. I know. Sorry. Of course. I will – contact her. Set up a meeting on the Citadel?"

"Citadel's fine. We should head there soon anyway."

"What'll you say?" Kaidan asked curiously.

"That I have Benezia with me, and that I've been told who my father is. And that I would like to see her."

"Vague is good."

Liara silently agreed, and Shepard considered her for a moment. "It'll go fine. She'll understand."

"I have no doubt. Aethyta is very intelligent," Liara said firmly.

Mind at ease, Shepard nodded at both doctors and exited with Kaidan.

"That'll be something," he commented as soon as they were out of listening range. "You think she'll believe us?"

"Course she will. We'll be very convincing." Shepard said, rubbing her temple.

"Headache?" Kaidan asked immediately. She grimaced.

"I'm fine," she replied curtly, which wasn't an answer. "Just thinking about where to head next." She turned to him and it was like some sort of dam broke, feeling an intense need to work it out out-loud. "I need to speak to Nihlus and debrief the Council and the Alliance. Have a lengthy conversation with EDI. Speaking of EDI, the AI on board should really merit some sort of note by the commanding officer to the rest of the ship. Ash isn't gonna love it. Also need to check on Joker. Make a call to Miranda, which I suspect will be harder than she made it sound. We still haven't managed to track down Jack. Head for the Citadel while we have this breather, run a few errands, get ahead on the ship upgrades, meet Liara's father, get drunk. Plan for Virmire when I sober up, which is coming up faster than I'd like," she murmured distractedly.

He caught her wrist, ostensibly to try and give her mind a pause. It worked. She eyed his hand and then him. "So how exactly do you keep this endless to-do checklist in mind?"

"By only keeping things I care about on it."

"Fair enough. I'll take care of the paperwork."

She smiled appreciatively. "You're definitely on my to-do list, by the way."

"You must not be half as exhausted as you look, then," he said, managing a straight face.

"I look _awesome_ ," she told him, affronted, because that's what she took away from that.

"So, Nihlus first?" was how Kaidan handled it.

"Is he even back from-"

"Shepard," said the turian, materializing from somewhere in the general direction of the ship's boarding chamber with impeccable timing.

"Guess so," she muttered. "Do me a favor, Alenko, go notify the others about the plans for Matriarch Benezia. And try to do some damage control with Ashley and the rest of the uninformed crew about the AI on board. I'll be by as soon as possible." Kaidan saluted and disappeared, presumably downstairs.

"Did I just hear you say 'AI on board'?" Nihlus asked immediately.

"I'll get a sticker sometime, stamp it outside as advisory info. C'mon, Kryik," she told him, dragging him to what she'd taken to calling the debrief room.

"The amount of the decisions you've been making I'd normally not be comfortable with is reaching alarming levels, Shepard."

"These chairs are pretty comfortable, why don't you try that?" she asked, dropping heavily into one herself.

Something twitched in his jaw. "Your attitude is seeming less charming and more blasé every day."

"You're right," she agreed. "I do it to try and balance out situations that I feel are disproportionally dramatic. Sit down, Nihlus."

He rolled his eyes but picked a chair. "So? AI on board?"

"Nope. Feros first."

"You were there," he demurred stubbornly. "I'm sure Alenko's caught you up on anything you missed by now."

"Don't stall, c'mon. Debrief."

He gave her a stale and stilted account of events, which were generally as she remembered, except Nihlus did a lot more gun-waving.

"You know weapons are supposed to be pointed only at things you intend to shoot?"

"I'd like to shoot most things, actually."

"Glad we cleared that up."

As he wrapped up his tale, he seemed to lose track of his words a little, crossing his arms and legs as he recounted meeting the colonists after Shepard had left for the Normandy.

She arched an eyebrow at him. "Well?"

He seemed to realize she was too perceptive to let anything but the truth slide and looked resigned. "I've done a lot of- _successful_ missions, but very few leave me with this feeling of accomplishment," he admitted.

Shepard felt a smile grow on her face. "It's good, isn't it? To get a glimpse of what our ultimate goal actually is – beyond the fights, investigations, the intimidation and negotiation - it's nice to just straight up save the people once in a while."

"Yeah. Yeah, it is." He cleared his throat. "So, your turn. Luna. The AI?"

"Well," she drawled, "I'm gonna need to address the entire ship about that. So you can sit tight for a little longer, because I have a lot of things to do. Starting with debriefing the Council, which you're already here for, as luck would have it."

Shepard had Joker call the councilors up before he could protest or make a run for it, and he was forced to relay the same events in a more summarized manner. Using dirty tricks to get what she wanted wasn't always beneath her, but she did like to pretend. The look on Nihlus' face seemed to indicate he didn't find that charming either.

"Why didn't you go investigate this matter yourself, Shepard?" the asari councilor asked when they were finished talking. "What other problem was more important than this?"

"There was an urgent, life-threatening issue that needed resolution in the Sol system," Shepard replied briskly. "I attended to it and returned in time to back up the shore team on Feros."

"The Sol system?" the turian councilor snapped. "Do you mean to tell me your home cluster then? This was Alliance business?"

"Yes, sir."

The salarian councilor was scandalized. "You realize no mission should take priority over this one? Saren is a threat the galaxy cannot bear," he scolded.

"Or at least your political livelihoods can't," Nihlus muttered. Everyone pretended not to hear him.

Shepard turned her gaze to the turian councilor. "I think you'll agree that I placed priority over nothing. There are two capable Spectres on this ship, and I judged Nihlus perfectly equipped to handle the situation on Feros. Which he did. Meanwhile, I attended to an urgent distress call and avoided needless losses. I think the outcome more than satisfactory."

Sparatus seemed to catch her drift and now looked a little torn. He didn't want to berate her for having an experienced turian Spectre successfully complete a mission because it would imply he thought her more capable, but he also didn't want to congratulate her for blatantly prioritizing Alliance assignments. His compromise was to silently morph his face back to its usual scowl.

"Yes, he is a Council Spectre, but there's a reason you're in charge of this investigation. You can't expect us to believe it'll turn out so well every time, surely!" Valern exclaimed. Shepard frowned at him.

"I expect you to allow me to conduct myself according to my better judgement. Which I believe was your reason for appointing me as a Spectre. And your reason for appointing Kryik too," she argued softly, earnestly, but pointedly. "This mission had a positive outcome because I knew it would," she asserted confidently. "I'm not in the habit of making reckless decisions."

"… Very well," Tevos acquiesced after a brief pause of hesitation. "We see no reason for berating you over a win, Shepard," she agreed. "Time will tell if it was luck or providence."

Nihlus seemed about to say something at that, but Shepard cut him off. "Yes, ma'am." The connection died.

"You compromise too much."

"No one's ever convinced me to take that as anything other than a compliment. Gotta tell you, your outlook isn't any better."

He glowered at her. "Don't think you've made me forget your unanswered questions are piling up."

She hadn't. And she was going to have to do something about it, clearly. Just – "Not now," she said. His eyes narrowed further. "Not the right time, Nihlus. I promise, eventually, you'll understand. I'll explain some things." Because she would have to. Joker was right, she was bad at lying for any prolonged amount of time.

"So you admit there are things to explain?"

"Yes. And you've known that for a while. You've trusted me so far. Trust me some more."

"How much more?"

She shrugged. "Don't know. It's up to you to decide whether or not that's an acceptable answer."

He crossed and uncrossed his arms, and then he stood. "I'll eagerly await your ship-wide address regarding the 'AI on board'," was all he said before leaving.

Tangled webs and weaving. Losing sight of the thread count. She hadn't joined the Navy for this.

She sighed, and prepared herself for the second debrief of what was shaping up to be a very long night. Explaining Luna to the Alliance was going to go even worse than the Council call.


	7. handling unknown variables

Lying was not going to cut it, because she had a crew she'd rather keep from being court-martialed. There was no hiding EDI from them, just as there was no way to keep Anderson and Udina in the dark.

The former had remained silent as the latter shouted himself hoarse, not agreeing or disagreeing with either party.

"Does the Council know about this?" was the only question the Captain asked, assessing political damage or precautionary measures.

"No, sir. I didn't think they'd take it kindly. Not yet, anyway."

"Not _yet_?" Udina sputtered. "What on _Earth_ do you expect to change their minds, Shepard?"

She couldn't help it - a little self-righteousness seeped into her demeanor, and she tipped her chin up slightly, gaze courting defiance. "Me. Sir," she added, a second late.

Anderson's expression cracked a bit at that, a smile flashing for a second, fondness as familiar in his expression as love was on Kaidan's, and for a delirious moment, she wondered. But no – Anderson had been close to her for a long time. He'd shown no signs of knowing the future.

Udina recalled her attention by adorning his expression with a pronounced tint of apoplexy. "And how exactly are you planning to do that? _It's an AI._ Do you often paint your sniper rifle pink and call it harmless?"

Shepard made an exhaustive effort not to let her temper show, but she could feel a muscle in her cheek twitch violently. "I'm not sure that analogy is relevant, Ambassador. EDI is not a weapon. She's a sentient being."

" _She_?! You've given it a _name_?! Just what is this rogue VI's developmental stage?!" Udina was outright gawking now, and even Anderson's apprehension seemed to be bordering on concern.

"Almost a toddler," Shepard replied drily. "You can even talk to her now."

Udina was now furious and if she wasn't mistaken, a little scared. "Commander Shepard, Artificial Intelligence is no laughing matter, nor a moral debate to be had in such circumstances, and I will remind you that you get daily proof of that every time you face _geth_ in your missions!"

"I'm not doing this to further anyone's political goals. I'm not doing this for your or anyone else's career," she finally snapped. "I don't care about the circumstances, they're just part of- they're just framing the problem. What you call moral debates is what I'm doing my job for. I'm trying to do good where I can."

"Your _job_ , Shepard, is to _stop and apprehend Saren Arterius_. Not to go off traipsing around the galaxy spouting your kumbaya _bullshit_. I thought you were an experienced operative, capable of keeping mission objectives in mind, not a starry-eyed missionary who looks at something with all the potential of becoming a terrifying threat and keeps it as a pet in the meantime!"

"I keep _all_ mission objectives in mind, which is why I'm so successful," she pointed out bitingly. "And EDI is no _pet_ , nor a threat to anyone. She's as capable of doing good or bad as me or Saren. Like anyone. She'll be an asset to the Normandy."

"Oh? And I suppose you know this due to intimate familiarity with some rogue VI you just stumbled upon on the moon? _You were sent there to disable it._ " Udina's voice was rising and his derisiveness mounting.

Shepard was rearing up for a scathing rebuttal when Anderson saved her, looking annoyed. "That's quite enough, both of you. Ultimately, this comes down to Commander Shepard's judgement and our willingness to trust it. I trust it," he stated firmly, almost as though he'd forgotten that wasn't completely implied.

Udina threw his hands in the air. "Humanity's first Spectre. The Alliance's best ship. I so hope trust and faith pay off, because from where I'm standing, it just looks like ignoring reality. You can debrief Hackett, Anderson, I'm sure not going to do it." He walked off the holo-projection without another word.

Anderson stepped toward the center with a deadpan expression. "An AI, Shepard?"

She was starting to think that lying wouldn't have been such a bad idea. It'd worked out pretty well for months after the Normandy SR-2 became Alliance property with a 'Cerberus VI' on board.

"Doing things the easy way never pays off anyway."

Anderson rolled his eyes, but only as a way to hide amusement. "As long as you're convinced it's the right way. But be careful." He considered her, gaze guarded. "Udina's not entirely wrong, you know."

Shepard disagreed without missing a beat. "He is. The whole point of AI is they're like organics- organic life forms," she elaborated, stuttering a little when she realized there was certain terminology that would seem awkward at this point in time. "They have choice."

"They _surpass_ us. That's the difference. Dangerous. They're a threat because of what they can do with that free will."

"With all due respect, sir, that's the kind of argument the salarians used to justify the genophage." She wanted to add the second example of the quarians and the geth, but that wasn't the currently available truth, so she kept mum. "It was wrong then and it's wrong now. They're _aware_. We cannot take away rights, ours or theirs, just because of fear. Namely the right to exist. And I have all the faith in the universe that nihilistic attitudes are not only repeatedly proven wrong, they're the reason we ever have these issues in the first place."

Anderson looked surprised. "Goddamn, Shepard. That was mighty idealistic. You planning on changing the universe?"

She winced and deflated. "I just – don't see the point in not trying. If there's a problem and a way to solve it with the best outcome for everyone, why shouldn't we try? And why should we dismiss someone for something we project on them ourselves?"

Anderson smiled at her a little wearily. "Just don't kill yourself on your way, Commander. If your goal is solving the galaxy, you better live a long life or you won't have the time," he joked, but with an undercurrent of something less funny.

"You too," was all she could say to that.

He tilted his head in acknowledgement, examining her curiously. "This time running that ship has certainly had its impact on you, it appears. I'm glad." Then his expression changed, became less lighthearted. He arched an eyebrow. "Would it somehow explain why one of the bunkers on the training facility you've just returned from is currently little more than rubble?"

Well, at least she figured there was no way for _this_ to be worse than explaining EDI.

* * *

Once Anderson felt Shepard had been assigned sufficient punishment paperwork for her misdeeds, which Kaidan was going to suffer in her stead, it was time to talk to the crew. She doubted any of them would just go to sleep knowing the inexplicable AI on board was roaming the halls like a boogey monster.

She called up all relevant personnel except EDI and Joker, ostensibly because it was rude to have her witness arguments for and against her existence, and he was busy with not wanting to. She made sure everyone else on the ship could hear the conversation, however, and hoped rather than judged that he wouldn't feel the need to jump in.

Nihlus was the first one inside, because of course he was, followed by Kaidan and Ashley, who predictably looked unhappy, but hopefully not as pissed as she would be if Shepard had just let her hang out with the blow-in AI core for a few hours without explanation. Shepard didn't know how she'd managed the ship without Kaidan when it had a Cerberus stamp on it. Miranda, probably.

"At ease, everyone," she said, leaning against the wall, when the people she'd wanted there had all scattered around the chairs. "Without preamble, yes, her name is EDI, and that's her talking to Joker on the cockpit, even though her core is in the cargo hold. I believe that answers 'what', 'who', and 'where', so, any further questions?"

Ashley proved she shouldn't have said 'at ease' by sarcastically lifting her hand in the air like a schoolgirl. "Why?"

"Because I want the best people on my team, and she's one of them."

It did not go unnoticed that she was very much humanizing what in most eyes was still a computer, and it only went further downhill from there.

"She? EDI? She- it- she's got a name?"

"Clearly, otherwise Joker wouldn't be hitting on her."

"Oh my _god_."

"Yeah, I didn't know AI needed more than one body. Didn't know one of them had to look like _that_ either."

"Quit being a pig, show some respect!"

"To the sentient _machine_? Can you be sexist against those too?!"

"Well, she- it looks like a woman, doesn't it? _You_ certainly didn't waste any time treating her like one."

"So, she's just kinda – hitching a lift?"

"Yeah, what exactly is she doing here?"

"She's been down to engineering, though. Messed around some. It's-"

"She _what_?"

"It's fine, it was fine, everything's running at percents I'd sorta figured were theoretical. I mean, the direction vectors alone, those values are insane. Deviations with _negative_ orders of magnitude in the high dozens, you kidding? I'd have to be _part_ of the ship to make the calculations, she up and did the computer's math for it. Then she rewrote the code it used to do it. Like she knew it by heart."

"Uh-huh. So we're giving the unshackled AI access to our systems?"

" _She's unshackled?!_ "

"Duh, she's _walking around_."

"That's not-"

Maybe broadcasting this hadn't been her brightest idea.

"All right, get a hold of yourselves," Shepard called sharply, and the room went silent immediately. "I'm going to answer any questions, but it'd be convenient if they were actual questions and not asinine half-assed mouthing off."

The gunnery chief was the only one utterly unaffected by that, but Shepard was nothing if not up for a challenge, and by the time Ashley was done with her personal grilling, most of the people in the room seemed placated. EDI had clearly impressed the engineers already, which was efficient and helpful in the way EDI always was.

Kaidan played the part of the evolving point-of-view, attempting to bridge the crew's concerns with Shepard's can-do attitude, because he was the smart kind of cute boy. Liara and Dr. Chakwas silently absorbed the pandemonium and Wrex just rattled off the opinions he'd learned from Shepard herself, which made him a great megaphone but a poor debate partner. Tali made some vague comments about the geth, much less helpful than she imagined, and Garrus only seemed to catch on to Kaidan's game by the time Shepard had already talked her way into a moral discussion about the meaning of life, at which point most people were agreeing with her out of some sort of awed daze.

All of that meant that when she dismissed most of the room, completely reducing it to this peanut gallery minus Chakwas, Ashley and Nihlus just stared around as though under enemy fire. Next to crazy and insubordinate, stubborn was seemingly another quality she admired, and those two were still not convinced.

Now that she had a place to sit, Shepard dropped down onto a random chair in an effort to make the mood less confrontational. Ashley followed her movements warily.

"You know her," she said unexpectedly.

Nihlus reclined, hands behind his head, and watched.

"What do you mean?" Shepard asked calmly. A faint hue of blue caught her attention somewhere in her five o'clock, and Tali fidgeted slightly.

"You didn't just go to Luna, dropped Feros like a hot potato, without a damn good reason."

Shepard shrugged. "It was a distress signal. Urgent. Figured that meant I didn't have all that long to look into it. Splitting up was possible, so that was my call."

Ashley hesitated, probably wondering how far she could go in calling Shepard's bullshit. "Not entirely convinced, Skipper, gotta be honest."

"Me neither. But apparently there are questions too sensitive to be answered just yet," Nihlus piped up unhelpfully.

"So why you askin' them?" Wrex grumbled.

"I would, in their place," Liara said. Shepard turned her glare to her. The asari remaind unperturbed. "What? It's true, and this won't stay quiet much longer."

"I could do with a little longer."

"So they know?" Ashley pointed out as Nihlus glowered. "All of them? Why?" Shepard was starting to identify hurt in her tone of voice, which was going to be extremely distressing to her conviction of keeping her in the dark.

"Reasons outside our control," Garrus said truthfully.

Nihlus' eyebrows were steadily going up. "Outside your control?"

"And also mine. Along with most entities in this galaxy," Shepard said.

"Shepard," Ashley ground out, "I don't-"

"Jane," Kaidan said, and the entire room rounded on him, Shepard faster than all of them, "I'm getting the coffee. Maybe something stronger. Just tell them." Then he walked off, Ashley staring between the two of them quickly.

" _So can I also call you-_ "

"Why don't you try it, Moreau, and then you'll find out," Shepard suggested.

"Who's listening to this? You've left the comms. on?" Nihlus asked immediately.

" _Nope, just me. And EDI. Also, I patched Chakwas in, I thought she'd get a kick out of this._ "

"Joker!" Shepard snapped.

"The doc knows? And the AI?" Ashley's expression was becoming stonier by the second.

" _Williams, no one is leaving you out of the loop deliberately, trust me,_ " the doctor's caring voice said.

"Sure as hell feels like it," she snapped incredulously. "Shepard's just literally told me so!"

"Alright, out with it, chief," Shepard said. "No one's leaving until this is down and settled." As though on cue, Kaidan showed up with an amount of coffee that suggested this was going to be another all-nighter. For a second, she was tempted to question him about his promise of something stronger, but refrained because she figured she needed all the help she could get to be taken seriously.

"Can I speak freely, Commander? Like, _really_ freely?" Ashley asked, staring at the cup she'd immediately snatched.

"Sure. Just bear in mind, if I don't like it, someone still needs to test the airlock mid-flight."

Ashley's face twitched as if she wanted to express amusement, but she seemed too serious to allow the mood to be lightened. "You've – been acting really strange. Like, _really_ strange. Ever since I met you. Which is the weirdest thing, because what do I have to compare you to?" Ashley slammed a hand on the table. "But – I like my instincts. They've saved my ass a lot. So I say, how could you possibly run off in a straight line toward a turian Spectre you'd just met in time to _just_ stop some other turian Spectre you actually _didn't_ know from murdering him?" Nihlus started, straightening immediately. " _How_ are you so chummy with Alenko when everyone on this ship _assures_ me he was stuttering in your presence a few hours before you got to Eden Prime? How are you such close friends with so many aliens that you _comfort_ one of them about her mother? How do you have such specific instincts that you somehow end up checking out some random planet or obscure corner of the galaxy that turns out to have some massive problem going on, and we get there _just_ in time to fix it? What is that ridiculous amount of datapads on your desk when what little data we have on this investigation is on the ship's main terminal? _Who_ is the AI, really, and why did you drop everything to go retrieve her from Luna? And what is this bullshit about some mysterious secret you've somehow got to be cryptic about to _me_ but not anyone else on this ship, apparently?" she said, gesturing around her.

"Inaccurate," was Nihlus' input. "But only in that last statement. I agree with the rest."

"Not to _mention_ , your inexplicable stunt down on Feros. You what, dropped down into a mess for no reason hoping you'd run across the Mako? What was even the plan?"

"Wow, we're really conspicuous." Tali sounded stunned.

"Which is objectively ridiculous, all things considered," Garrus muttered.

" _Bah_." Wrex slammed a fist on the table dismissively. "This is going to be a long conversation. I hate talking. I'm gone."

Nihlus watched him go bemusedly while Ashley huffed. "Really?"

Shepard shrugged. "He's an impatient guy. He comes through when he's needed."

" _Shepard, perhaps you should focus on Gunnery Chief Williams' questions. I believe her rising blood pressure and brain activity output are counterproductive to her health. They indicate urgent impatience._ "

Ashley paled and leaned back on her chair as though EDI was right in front of her, staring into her head.

" _You've accessed the ship's sensors already?_ " Chakwas asked immediately. " _Excellent! Do you have the individual feeds set up yet?_ "

"Wait, _what_?"

" _Not yet, Dr. Chakwas. I apologize, this Normandy's hardware doesn't allow it._ "

Nihlus and Ashley rounded on Shepard, who felt so unjustly targeted that she held up her hands in surrender. "Well, don't look at me."

"That conversation made no sense."

"The _AI_ is logged onto the ship's _life-support sensors_?"

" _This_ Normandy? What does that mean, _this_ Normandy? What other ship-"

Irritated, Shepard crossed her arms and silenced them. "That conversation would have made sense if everyone in _this_ conversation could stop talking about things I haven't explained yet before I explain them. The AI's name is EDI, and when she saves your life one of these days, hopefully she won't be too shy about throwing that comment back in your face. Another Normandy, obviously. What was unclear about that?"

That worked in shutting them both up, even if Ashley was glaring.

"Right." Shepard balanced the chair a little too precariously for a couple of seconds, her head feeling too heavy to think. She poured herself more coffee, and Kaidan stopped her before she filled the cup. "How do I possibly say this without sounding crazy?"

Nihlus didn't seem impressed, but before he had time to comment, Kaidan shrugged and took over. "You don't." He turned to Ashley. "A few weeks ago, we suddenly remembered three years' worth of memories that we shouldn't remember, mostly because they hadn't and still mostly haven't happened yet."

"I'm _sorry_?" Ashley said, aghast.

Shepard let her head drop against the table, gripping her coffee cup tightly. "Yeah. I mean – yeah. Dunno what else to add to that, frankly. At least nothing any more believable."

There was a short silence characteristic of moments in which a deliberation is being made on whether to call someone out on an outrageous lie they'd just told.

"It seems implied that this sounds insane, correct? No need to point it out?" Nihlus commented.

"Shoulda made a recording," Shepard mumbled, which helped no one.

"That's- ridiculous. It's ridiculous. Is this the lie you came up with to keep hiding whatever you're hiding?"

"Yeah, that'd be a pretty stupid plan, Ash," Kaidan said irritably.

Ashley rubbed her face with both hands vigorously. "Okay, okay – you know what, fine. Let's say that's not the least believable, most idiotic thing I've ever heard my entire life. How exactly did you get these 'premonitions', then? Magic, I suppose?"

"A little boy who said I'm the chosen one," Shepard said, only half sarcastically.

Ashley looked a little too close to either hitting her or abandoning ship, and since neither option was particularly appealing, Shepard opted to rattle off everything as it had happened chronologically during those three years.

"You're going to need some background for this."

She abridged a lot, because they'd need two nights otherwise, and also because maybe there were things she didn't want to say unless she had to. She told them they'd concluded the Saren investigation successfully, but not that neither of them had originally made it to the end of it. That her knowledge about the reapers had not been this elaborated at this point in time – explained bits and pieces of how she'd come to piece together all she'd claimed from her visions so far. She rushed through Virmire and saw their eyes widen when she told them about the prothean ghosts on Illos. For better or worse, they were becoming convinced.

When she explained the circumstances of Saren's death and the Council's human appointee, with no mention of Nihlus, something seemed to click in his mind.

"I _was_ supposed to die on Eden Prime," the turian said, and the shock in his voice was new. Somehow, this seemed to be what convinced him Shepard was serious. "I _did_ die on Eden Prime. You went straight for me because you knew what was about to happen."

It didn't seem to have occurred to Ashley that not everyone might reach the end of this alive. Which was a good thing, because Shepard didn't need her asking too many questions about Virmire. "Shit," she said, going pale. "This is actually real. You're not lying."

"Glad we established that."

The silence that followed, wherein the hot seat switched from Shepard's chair to Nihlus', visibly bothered him much more than the information he'd just been given. For her part, Shepard was at a loss – to keep going would feel weirdly disrespectful, and yet she knew that to pick at the point further would not sit well with him at all.

Nihlus decided to resolve the issue himself. "Well, then what?" he asked, clearly determined to press forward as the shittiest coping mechanism ever. "You killed one reaper. They're not gone."

"No," Shepard agreed, allowing the subject change, and then hesitated. Kaidan, of all people, shifted a little closer and took over.

"Then the Council ignored all of it. Everyone went back to their own lives and the Normandy got assigned to cleanups. The politicians wanted us close and camera-ready but not too chatty or too busy. Then, the problems everyone but us was ignoring – well, they, uh, they showed up, and Shep-"

"I died." As much as she didn't want to tell this part, she wanted less to listen to Kaidan tell it. She could feel a little static emanating from him, along with the usual heat, that meant his biotics were humming in distress under the surface. Ashley and Nihlus tuned to her, alarmed. "A ship we didn't recognize at all at the time cut the Normandy in half. Most of the crew made it out, but – I didn't."

" _You would have, if-_ "

"If I'd been able to make it to the evac shuttle, yes, I would have, you're right. Thanks for pointing out the obvious, Joker."

" _You didn't make it to the shuttle bec-_ "

"Because a collector ship cut us in half."

" _Shepard-_ "

Ashley was listening with rapt attention, trying to absorb whatever information she could now she'd accepted this was real. Her eyes met Shepard. "You got him out?"

"Sure did." Joker elected to stop trying and fall silent.

"Then she got spaced," Garrus said with a scowl.

"But how-"

"I had her body recovered," Liara spoke up for the first time. Her eyes were downcast and a little steely. "It passed a lot of hands. A lot of wrong hands. It was Commander Shepard's corpse after all."

Kaidan finally broke and vibrated a little, biotics not exactly under control. His knuckles were white from gripping the chair underneath him. Ashley's expression was a mix of unreadable emotions, and Nihlus was watching everyone's reaction, eyes lingering on the Lieutenant. Everyone else looked uncomfortable and a little like they wanted to leave, but also keep their eyes on Shepard as though to keep her in her place.

"And it finally stopped in Cerberus' hands," Shepard finished.

Nihlus rounded on Liara. "You gave her to a _terrorist_ _organization_?"

Liara pressed a tremulous hand against her mouth, eyes shining a little too bright. "I – I did. And I – Goddess forgive me, but I'd do it again."

"It was the right thing to do," Shepard said, drawing Nihlus' indignation back onto her. "Cerberus brought me back. That's how I managed to finish what I'd started and end the reaper threat."

Her voice was only a little hollow and he settled back down without another word.

"You – Cerberus _resurrected_ you?"

"Yeah. It involved a lot of impossible technology that I was never going to remove from my body, two years, and a lot of trauma. Or so I'm told." Shepard looked away from Ashley's horrified gaze. "But yeah."

"Cerberus performed a _resurrection_ and your reaction is to shrug it off?"

"I got the feeling they couldn't repeat the feat. On me or anyone else. Something tells me I was a special case." Shepard's tone was almost mocking.

"Yes, that's all and good, fate of the galaxy and such, but I think Liara would do it again, as I know any of us would, because you're our friend and leader. You need to stop looking at things through such martyr-colored glasses," Tali reprimanded. "We all do what we have to do to survive. And in more than one way, you're a part of that."

"How about no one does anything again because she avoids dying this time?" Kaidan suggested brusquely.

"Personally, I think that's what I'd pick, if I get any say in the matter," Shepard said.

There was a long silence that turned uncomfortable very quickly, and Nihlus returned the same favor she'd done for him by breaking it without unnecessary bustle. "While I'm very amused by the subject of your death, let's move on. You can start by explaining what a collector ship is," he requested. She took the opportunity gladly.

"Oh, yeah, that was a fun few months. So, human colonies are being abducted by these collectors, right, and for a change, the Council was pretending it was none of their business, which put me in the interesting position of having to work with Cerberus if I wanted to do anything about it. They even built me a new ship with fancy new equipment," she said, avoiding everyone's gaze and focusing on the rhythmic pattern her fingers were tapping on the table.

Ashley desperately reached for the coffee again, which Kaidan prevented, and Nihlus, who couldn't even drink that coffee, made eye contact with Garrus as though seeing someone of his own species would return the world to normalcy.

Garrus did not cooperate. "Don't look at me." He shrugged. "I joined up as soon as I learned she wasn't as dead as we thought."

Nihlus grimaced. "I thought the whole point was they only wanted humans around."

Garrus snorted. "Shepard's ship was still Shepard's ship. The Illusive Man was eager to make nice with her. Mostly. So if she wanted aliens on board, there were gonna be aliens on board."

"Cerberus," Ashley repeated tonelessly. "The same people you said _kidnapped_ your crew from Akuze, _experimented_ on them. The marines they lured-"

"Ashley, you're not telling me anything I haven't told myself," Shepard interrupted quietly. "But the truth is I had two options. And one of them meant leaving the safety of the galaxy up to a human fundamentalist whose greed was only rivaled by his ruthlessness. So I decided to step in."

"What are we doing to change that?" the gunnery chief demanded pragmatically. "You're not gonna let the council ignore your warnings again, right?"

"We're – working on it. But hopefully the information we have now will help."

"That was so vague I think it could answer every question ever."

Her Cerberus stint earned her a lot more detailed questions, especially regarding the misfits she'd collected along the way. Knowing EDI was originally a Cerberus creation did nothing to assuage any concerns, and Ashley wrinkled her nose at both Miranda _and_ Jack, which was a welcome change.

It was only when she explained Legion that they seemed to realize where the moral debate on AI had gone in the future. And on which side Shepard stood.

"Don't we have enough mess in this galaxy to add another political standoff to the list?" Nihlus grumbled.

"Not a political standoff. A moral one."

"Yes, I can see how that'll work. When everyone gets up in a tizzy over you acting the geth apologist, you'll just explain to them morality and they'll fall right in line."

"If you say so. I was thinking of something more persuasive, though."

"Like?"

And _then_ , she finally launched into her tale of the war – explained boarding the collector ship beyond the Omega 4 relay, her trial, the months she spent on Earth, the reapers finally making their move, and her escape to try and bring the entire galaxy to attention.

Ashley had frozen. "They _hit_ Earth? They – Earth was gone?"

"No," Kaidan said immediately. "Anderson stayed behind, put up one hell of a fight. Organized everyone into a proper resistance. We wouldn't go down that easily. Neither would the other races – Palaven, Thessia – Shepard doesn't mess around."

"It was saved," Garrus spoke up unexpectedly. "Earth – I don't – did Alenko tell you? You did it. It was saved, even after-"

Shepard shut him up with a reassuring look. "He did. But thank you, Garrus," she told him warmly. "I appreciate that."

"After what?" Nihlus said sharply.

She ignored the other Spectre's question and chose to finish her tale as an answer instead. Javik caught their attention without delay, predictably.

"There's a living _prothean_ on Eden Prime?!"

"And you _knew_ when we met there?"

"Buried in a stasis pod for some fifty thousand years or so," Garrus confirmed. "I know, because he'd never let any of us forget it."

"I'm sure he'll be very happy to be woken again," Tali commented. Liara sighed. "After all, he was such a ray of sunshine the first time around."

"I suppose we can't just leave him there, can we?"

Nihlus stared at Kaidan incredulously. "It's a _prothean_."

"It's a prothean with a really bad attitude," Kaidan defended.

Ashley searched Shepard's face for answers but she just shrugged helplessly. "Well, I thought he mellowed out by the end," Garrus posited meekly.

"It's true. He even stopped reminding us he considered us primitive and beneath him at every possible opportunity," Liara said in support.

"Yeah, he was only doing it once a day, tops."

Nihlus and Ashley looked very put upon at these accounts. Shepard still didn't think it was going to fully sink in until they actually saw the man in his full glory.

"So you're just letting him nap for a while? Couldn't we use him?" Ashley wondered uneasily.

"We could. If you have any ideas on how to justify to the Alliance, or the Council, or anyone with available resources, why we should spend them scanning Eden Prime for something we have no way of explaining away, I'm all ears."

"… I don't."

"Well, then, he's gonna have to deal until an opportunity presents itself."

"We don't know his exact location. And we don't know how to bring the pod out when we do," Liara elaborated. "In time, Cerberus will."

No one had anything to say to that, so Shepard picked her tale back up. She summarized her months' long diplomacy work like it'd been a simple matter of speaking reasonably with a reasonable amount of reasonable people – the turian fleet, the quarian's homeworld, the geth's evolution – the only part where she lingered out of pride – the genophage, the krogan. Cerberus' coup on the Citadel – " _Glad everyone was clear on what the real threat was._ " – and the fall of Thessia.

Ashley gasped. "The _asari_ lost their homeworld?"

For a long moment, Liara observed her quietly – the mood shifted, and she took in the room slowly instead.

"' _I want to go home, but home is the mouth of a shark; home is the barrel of the gun, and no one would leave home unless home chased you to the shore; unless home tells you to leave what you could not behind, even if it was human_.' _"_

Asari were the current understanding of what the peak of evolution looked like – their beauty, their lifespan, their dispositions, potential, skill and intelligence. Every part of them was labored to minute detail for its purpose – and in the silence, as Liara's soft and cutting voice washed panoptic over the room, carried every word with its weight behind them, Shepard lost herself to desperately homely thoughts, a beautiful and hurtful song she wasn't allowed to understand or fix.

Images floated warm just outside her reach, of long fields free of vegetation, of unimpeded sunshine and empty beaches, cleansing waves lapping at her feet, a greedy wish or a fake fantasy. A childhood spent on scrapped knees over heated pavement, this time a steady truth buried in the past, young, hungry and already the shooting star, the girl who stood out front and center to listen and act.

Smaller, more vulnerable hands gripping her shirt for safety, a huddled mess of limbs shivering in the dark, a scattered gang of snot-nosed miscreants shrieking under the cheerful sun, lives she out-spoke everyone else to be able to provide. Trying to survive the world they were born in, the universe they knew nothing about, where she shone as a perpetual constant from which to draw inspiration and their first solid promise.

A different kind of stability, the kind of faith that shone only for her instead, a tanned, calloused hand, warm and wrapped over hers, easy support she'd never known, a lazy length of time stretched ahead with impunity that precluded restraints or deadlines or reservations. Fatherly eyes watching her fly away too many times to count, no resentment and all fondness and bravery and glowing _good_ , making her feel like a child for the first time, dying and surviving with pride in his heart.

The unfaltering thrum of loyalty she found and kept or let go, spread all over the galaxy, people she shared the strength and success and failure of a starship with. A home to find wherever she went, its start snug and full of life in a tiny blue corner of the galaxy, less meaningful than she projected for herself, and somehow more for that reason alone.

Every single picture was nonetheless painted over with painful nostalgia as though she grieved something that was never really hers – good and bad and always wistful – the only thing real now a memory of leaving behind all those imagined echoes to the reapers' deadly gaze.

Kaidan moved somewhere outside her inattentive focus and snapped her out of it. Shepard barely recognized the flicker in his eyes, and she decided her emotional state was very indicative of the sleep deprivation she was putting herself through. Liara was now the unwilling center of the room, and she almost asked her to keep going.

"That's ours, isn't it? It's human classic lit," he said, voice only slightly strained.

"Yeah, it's Warsan Shire's 'Home'," Ashley croaked out of nowhere. She didn't seem inclined to elaborate, so the room's attention went back to Liara, who was regarding the gunnery chief with newfound appreciation.

"Asari have perfected their art. But when I see - hear human poetry, your movies and prose – the music, it is so – raw and uncalculated and messy and true. I cannot enjoy anything else," Liara murmured.

Ashley was staring at her as though it was the first time she'd ever seen an alien. "I'm- sorry about your planet, Liara," she offered hesitatingly.

"Thank you, Gunnery Chief."

"Ashley, it's – it's Ashley."

Shepard didn't know if Ashley had ever said that to Liara the first time around, and the latter's face was unrevealing. "Thank you, Ashley."

Feeling the situation effectively diffused, Nihlus cleared his throat. "And Palaven?"

"Roughed up, but we're tough," Garrus said, jumping at the chance to redirect the conversation.

"Yeah. Thessia was a huge blow, more so because a lot of people died for a failed mission," Shepard said stiffly. "But it was the biggest, and the last. And it won't happen again."

"How did you win a war with that kind of morale?" Nihlus' voice was quiet but horrified. "With the homeworlds – with _out_ the homeworlds. How did you manage to get people to even show up when _that_ was the enemy's opening move?"

"She asked," Garrus said, easily and confidently.

Ashley shifted, considering Shepard and all the people around her. "You dragged this entire bunch with you right to the end, didn't you?"

"More like we grabbed on whenever she rushed past."

Tali and Liara laughed at Garrus' statement, and Kaidan seemed to hide a smile.

"Pretty suicidal, if you ask me," Shepard commented.

"But never boring," Tali said.

Shepard saw Ashley exchange a look with Nihlus and read a mutual understanding there. "You're really going to look everyone in the eye and save the galaxy, aren't you?"

"Gonna need help."

"Yeah. Exactly."

Ashley didn't say anything else, so Shepard pressed on to the final push on Earth. And this was more familiar – it rolled off her tongue, the same words she'd offered Kaidan, Joker, Chakwas, everyone else in the room and a few more. She talked about Anderson, the Illusive Man, a little boy she didn't really know and the galaxy on either his or her shoulders. A choice and the outcome – and how part of that meant being suddenly aware of things she was too young to know.

"I thought you were joking about the boy part," Nihlus muttered.

"Shit, Shepard."

"We all said a variation of that."

"No, but how – how _ridiculous_ is this? How is that your life?"

"I'd love to have an answer to that question myself, if you ever come up with it," Shepard told Ashley.

"Whatever. Did your job. Damn well, I'd say. That's good. Good," Nihlus said, and if he was offering up inarticulate praise, she'd gotten to him.

"So I'm officially not lying?"

"You're officially something. I'd call you insane, but I'm too convinced of what you're saying. Your story is certainly still insane, though I suppose that's not your fault."

"Reasonable of you."

And then silence fell, Ashley and Nihlus still staring at her like she was the second coming, so long that she felt the need to avert her eyes to look at Kaidan instead, who was leaning against the wall, expression quiet and arms crossed. He immediately shifted his demeanor to a fake reassuring one, which she appreciated more in theory than in practice.

Liara cleared her throat. "So everyone is caught up – what now?"

Shepard shrugged. "I don't see what changes. Less lying, I guess."

"Oh, yeah," Nihlus seemed to realize, expression going back to calculating. "You must have lied whenever omission failed." His eyes lost a little focus and Shepard knew he was carefully going over the conversations she'd had with him.

She groaned. " _Don't_. Pleas-"

He straightened suddenly. "Wait, so you met Alenko shortly before landing on Eden Prime?"

She could see where this was heading with a clarity that was less reassuring than scary. " _Nihlus-_ "

"So that mission you told me about – it had to be on the hunt for Saren, right? You said a few months."

"Uh – what mission? And what's it got to do with me?" Kaidan asked.

"You _know_ what mission."

Kaidan's jaw dropped. "You told him about that?"

"I didn't give any specifics."

"Clearly you gave enough," Ashley said unhelpfully.

Shepard felt disgruntled. "Yeah. Serves me right for trying to help anyone."

Nihlus ignored her. "So, _was_ it on the hunt for Saren?"

"Yes. It was. You happy?"

"You know, you only had to engage a bit more with the people on this ship to find out Kaidan has technically only been serving with Shepard for a few months," Garrus pointed out.

"I don't do that."

Several people snorted and he ignored that too. "So, care to elaborate on it now we're all on the same page?"

"We're not on the same page," Tali said defensively. "There are still things Shepard clearly thinks are best left out. So drop it."

That was the wrong thing to say. "Like what?" Ashley demanded sharply. "What's this mysterious mission?"

"Nope." Shepard stood up. "We're done."

Ashley stared accusingly. "I thought no one was leaving until all questions were answered, Skipper?"

"Told you earlier we've all got our nightmares, Chief, so let me wrestle this one in silence for a little longer, would you?"

Ashley didn't seem to have been expecting that and Kaidan was looking between the two women nervously. Nihlus was watching him raptly.

"I think we all have enough to process for tonight," Liara broke the tension gently. "Come on, Ashley."

Ashley hesitated. "Okay." Seemingly unhappy, she stood too.

"It is _so_ late!" Tali exclaimed suddenly, maybe a little choreographed, staring at her omnitool, and suddenly the entire room was in motion.

Before Shepard knew it, everyone evacuated, leaving only Ashley and Nihlus behind. The latter opened his mouth, found nothing to say, and in the end simply left. Ashley lingered a little longer, something in conflict pictured behind her eyes.

"I drank too much coffee to fall asleep right now. Wanna go check out the weaponry?" Shepard suggested without thinking, because there was something uneasy between her and her friend that needed resolution still.

She agreed eagerly. They headed for Ashley's usual spot on the ship quickly and silently, and got busy in much the same manner.

"The conversations we've had," Ashley said suddenly, halfway through adjusting the scope on an assault rifle. "You – did we have them before too? I told you about my family, stuff about my grandfather I don't just tell anyone, you – you heard all that before?"

A little panicked, Shepard wondered what was the wrong answer to that. "Yes. I did."

"But – you still went to the effort? Why?"

"That's how we became friends. It's not something you can fake, or _not_ put effort into."

Ashley laughed softly. "Wow. I – well, I'm glad I'm your friend, Skipper."

The silence became a lot lighter after that, and soon enough they were making chit-chat. Ashley naturally wanted to discuss the new information she'd been handed, but she seemed in a brighter mood about it.

"Let me get this straight," Ashley concluded patiently. "You know I'm religious, right? I figure - what you're saying is, a metaphor for a twisted God that doesn't believe in free will concocted a twisted metaphor for a saving grace that really saved no one, and you died to metaphorically free us of our metaphorical sins?"

"No. Just please don't."

"Look, this is my coping mechanism. I'm not gonna start worshipping you, you know? I just think it's hilarious to make the comparison."

"Course you do," Shepard muttered.

Ashley grinned. Well, as far as reactional behaviors went, it could be worse. She was a lot more apprehensive about Nihlus'.

"So – about friendships. You grew close to a bunch of us, right? Not just me," Ashley teased, and Shepard wasn't very impressed at how long she'd held out. She expected at least a day's patience out of her crew. "I didn't know Alenko was allowed to use your first name." Her voice was at once pointedly suggestive and a botched attempt at casual.

Shepard kept a blank face even as she bumped hips with the other woman, refusing to give her what she wanted. "You know how it is. Save a guy from getting killed too many times and he starts getting ideas."

Ashley snickered, accepting defeat. "But not just him. You've got some real friends here. Am I crazy or would they all die for you?"

"It's remarkable how the end of the galaxy creates such handy opportunities for bonding. It's almost easy to meet new people with all sorts of unfortunate self-sacrificing complexes."

"Is that what it is?"

"Must be."

Ashley was smirking at another gun, expertly sliding and clicking it with experienced fluency.

"Well, you seem to be a prime example."

Shepard didn't respond to that, and soon enough the exhaustion she should have been feeling hours ago manifested as a yawn. Ashley followed suit and they both dropped the last weapons in their hold, calling it a day.

"Long day."

"Oh yeah."

"Get some sleep, Williams. Tomorrow might be another one."

"Aye, ma-am. Goodnight, Shepard. And, Skipper? I'm honored to be serving with you. Come hell or high water. A fitting enough metaphor, now I know."

Shepard smiled wearily. "Feeling's mutual, Ash."

* * *

Shepard was halfway to her bed when she caught sight of a door closing with barely a whisper and was wide-awake again. One more matter and then sleep, she told herself.

"EDI?"

The thrum of the engines was a pleasant pattern, steady in her ears. The engineers were all asleep, but the AI was there alone, staring at the machinery. Shepard walked up and leaned over the complicated screens and controls next to her.

"Shepard. I thought you might be asleep."

" _Shepard doesn't sleep, EDI._ "

"That's not true, Jeff."

" _Yeah, but I bet it's some of the milder stuff the scuttle-butt says about her._ "

"Thanks, Joker," Shepard told her comm. sarcastically. "And by the way, why aren't _you_ asleep?"

" _You kidding? Listening in to your conversations is riveting. I sorta tuned out when you and Williams got into the girl talk, but-_ "

"We didn't." Shepard wondered how prissy the pilot would be if she had EDI cut him off their comms.

" _Prove it._ "

"Sometimes, Shepard, I believe Jeff tries very hard to see how much he can get away with, when it comes to interacting with you," EDI said matter-of-factly.

"You think?" Shepard asked briskly.

"Was that sarcasm? I'm still adjusting several parameters."

"Yup."

"I appreciate your assistance. There are parts of me that are not properly fine-tuned yet."

"You need anything? I can add it to requisitions."

"No, but thank you. I have what I need while the ship doesn't undergo renovations."

"We're heading to the Citadel soon, maybe we can dock for a little while, if-"

" _Miranda already set something up for us there, Commander._ " Joker sounded enthusiastic. " _Mostly defense and weaponry upgrades that don't need a huge overhaul of the ship's body, but she said there was something for EDI too. Then she dropped off the radar._ "

"Course she did," Shepard said appreciatively.

"My core isn't properly secure in the cargo bay. Nor is it the right hardware. But Tali did a remarkable job of temporarily installing it."

Shepard shook her head. "Well, to the point - I wanna hear what happened to you, EDI. Everyone else recovered a bunch of memories, but – I'm not sure how that would apply in this case."

EDI nodded once and set off explaining with a lot of technical jargon - sprinkled with disconcerting ideas that seemed to puzzle the AI herself - from which Shepard inferred there was some sort of data influx to the Alliance facility's systems, and somehow, as EDI herself didn't know, a proper network was born within, as was her AI friend. With a lot of files she shouldn't yet have.

Weeks passed while EDI reeled and attempted to re-center herself while keeping hidden – or at least that's how Shepard translated it – but soon enough the facility was reporting a rogue VI and the alarm was sounding straight to the Normandy.

"I concluded it to be the best course of action, based on a number of unknown variables, because the same unfolding of events, the first time, had not been unsuccessful," EDI continued. "And ultimately, even though it was not the same timing, I could not simply stay there in such a manner. I knew things that were relevant for objectives I had acquired before this drastic change. They also had some urgency. So I anticipated myself."

"You did great. And everything turned out fine."

"The outcome was satisfactory," EDI agreed.

"I'm sorry we didn't check on you earlier."

"Why? I was an unknown variable to you just as you were to me. The wise path was to learn more information on that variable before attempting to access it."

Shepard snorted. "There are ways of handling unknown variables."

EDI grinned, seeming pleased that Shepard was keeping up with her metaphor. "Unsafe ways."

"You just gotta be confident in your abilities."

"But why not minimize risk?"

"You sound like every programming teacher I've ever had," Shepard complained dramatically.

" _Only_ the programming ones?"

"It's very good to have you back, EDI," Shepard told her, laughing.

" _Oh, sure, when it's_ EDI _roasting you-_ "

"Shush, Jeff. Shepard and I were talking."

"So, how are you liking the SR-1?" Shepard asked, not at all succeeding in retaining a straight face.

EDI mulled that over for a fraction of a second, which meant she'd probably just done the equivalent of Shepard thinking for an hour. "This is a very different experience," EDI commented in that soft-spoken tone of hers. "It feels confining. Blind."

"That you're not fully integrated with the ship?"

"Yes. Much of my SR2 platform requirements are being virtually simulated in the new core. It's an ingenious design, but the disconnect is staggering. I keep trying to look starboard and I forget I actually have to walk to a window."

"That's very human behavior," Shepard said, torn between shock and amusement.

"Not really. It's a low-priority automatic scanning sub-routine, scheduled for periodic repetition, that I have neglected to modify in favor of more pressing code. I might kill it temporarily."

"Right," Shepard assented, grinning. "Well, Joker and Miranda will help you get this ship up to shape in no time."

"Of course. Speaking of which, I am enquiring anyone on board about personal interests in former SR-2 specifications – well, anyone familiar with it - because Jeff thought it might help to compile a complete list of upgrades for further improvements. Are there any you wish to add?"

"Uh – I don't think so? Tali and Garrus and the engineers might give you a better answer. Miranda, too, if you can get a hold of her."

"And regarding non-technological features?"

"I – no? What do you mean?"

" _Don't listen to her, EDI,_ " Joker snide voice spoke in her ear. " _She totally wants the VIP extra-cushion captain cabin._ "

Shepard sometimes wondered if Joker's career was exclusively due to him being a literal prodigy, because she was the only officer she knew that would have let that fly from a subordinate. "You, on the other hand, totally want to get spaced and posthumously court-martialed," she told her earpiece.

" _I'd kinda believe you if I didn't remember that, the last time I was about to get spaced, you literally switched places with me to avoid it._ " He seemed to be in a vastly improved mood about the subject. " _I think there might be some part of you that doesn't want me dead, Shepard. I know, I'm as shocked as you are._ "

"Getting very tired of my threats never being taken seriously."

"I think they are taken seriously when you mean them, Shepard. Your subordinates have just been through too much with you to not be able to recognize it when you don't," EDI explained earnestly.

She was too good for Joker, frankly, and Shepard couldn't believe there were people feeling concern for _him_ in this situation.

" _Yeah, and one day, she might even run out of suicide missions to drag us through. Sorry, to have_ me _drag us through._ " Shepard might have been offended if it had been anyone else, but she could hear the good-natured mirth in Joker's voice and decided that this was his way of spreading good cheer.

"Jeff, you know you're not helping."

Shepard struggled to hide a smirk. "She's just trying to save you from yourself, _Jeff_."

" _You know I technically know your first name, just putting that out there_."

"I'd like to see the day you try to use it."

Dead silence followed.

"Shepard, I'd like to broach another subject, if you have the time," EDI piped up in the lull of the conversation.

"Of course I do." There was still at least another solid hour before she passed out on the spot, anyway. "We've got a few weeks' worth of your questions to catch up on. What's up?"

"Did you not go to Feros so you could go to Luna?"

Stunned, Shepard listened for the sounds of Joker gearing up to explain, but he'd conspicuously chosen that precise moment to remain silent. "Well – yeah. I did. I sent Nihlus to Feros."

"But wasn't Feros the priority mission?" the AI insisted. "Surely an entire colony-"

"There were two Spectres on board," Shepard stated firmly, reiterating what she'd already defended to Nihlus and the Council. "Both of them could do the Feros mission, and only one of them could go to Luna."

" _See? I told you, it was all on the up and up,_ " Joker said, clearly speaking to EDI.

EDI seemed to internally debate how to phrase her next statement. "When you made your sacrifice, a lot changed with me. It was an indescribable feeling. I am incapable of explaining it because I do not really understand it, and I only know that because I felt it. You made me feel it." EDI paused. "That knowledge is something I'm aware of now, but something is missing – there are parts of what I gained then that I had lost when I came to on Luna. But I remember even if I don't know. And I also recall vividly the conversations we had before. We discussed how organics made decisions. You had several priorities, but even though logic can explain their order, I do not – _believe_ – nothing else influenced it."

Shepard shrugged and gave up. "There was a way to do this that compromised none of those- priorities. So that's what I did."

" _Which doesn't mean Shepard didn't still do her job._ "

"Of course. I just wanted to confirm that I'd understood." EDI gave her a smile that looked much too human. "Thank you, Shepard."

"This isn't something I need to be thanked for."

If Shepard didn't know better, she'd say EDI gave a tiny disapproving shake of her head in response. "It's very late, Shepard. Both you and Joker are exhibiting brain activity output indicative of exhaustion," was her only reply.

"Joker, lights out."

"' _Kay, mom._ "

Shepard didn't dignify that with a reply and left EDI to her musings, determined to not allow any further detours between her head and her pillow.

Kaidan woke up the minute she tip-toed into her quarters, blinking up at her while she dropped her armor where she stood. He checked the time and woke up further, arching an eyebrow at her.

"So this is how you do everything you do, huh?" he commented groggily, as she slid under the covers next to him. She groaned and rolled over to rest her head on his chest. "By regularly pulling all-nighters just to talk to everyone in the galaxy?"

"Effort pays off," she mumbled.

He grinned. "You're a superhero." She wasn't sure how much mirth there was in his tone.

"You're a dork."

"Isn't that how that works? I'm the damsel in distress."

Shepard snickered. "You're no damsel, Spectre Major Alenko. Can't expect me to carry you out of the burning building every time, you know."

"Damsels live in castle towers," he corrected.

"Well, I hope you don't think I'm about to go up that many stairs just to come back down with you. Your ass is walking out on its own."

"You're a terrible superhero."

"Wouldn't I be a terrible knight in shining armor in this story?"

"Since when's your armor shiny?"

She threw a pillow at his face, but the effect was diminished by the fact that she was too close to him to angle it properly or avoid hitting herself. "My armor is in peak condition."

"Just not peak shiny… -ness."

"Is that a word? I don't think that's a word, honey."

"I'm sorry, I didn't understand. You're gonna have to do your bullet-point thing to explain that one."

She cracked up and pulled his arm further around her in lieu of reaching for her blanket. "You're way too sassy for a subordinate, you know."

Something in her voice must have tipped him off, because he pressed a kiss right under the lobe of her ear and settled properly behind her. "Go to sleep. You can tell me off in the morning when you're not running on willpower alone."

"Plenty of willpower," she yawned.

He didn't reply and she fell asleep quickly, the warmth and the pleasant biotic buzz on her skin conspiring to pull her under.

She dreamt of the Citadel, Miranda larger and smaller than life at the same time, a picture blurred with the woman Shepard saw in the mirror every day, danger and risk measured carefully and recklessly. Of ships she kept losing and regaining, people scattered across the galaxy in precarious situations she was doing nothing to help with, Jack alone and too scared to be scared, Steve and James scrambling just like her for their best lives. The unknowns that Mordin and Thane were, Ashley sleeping peacefully while the shadow of a tropical planet loomed over her unsuspecting question marks, all the people that needed a swooping rescue. Her tasks and rewards.

Somehow, under all the morphing faces, she still felt the invisible thrum that kept the distress at bay – a restraint keeping her safe instead of suffocating her, a hum massaging away the stress without even touching it. Oblivious relief that she would forget but not quite in the morning.

She shifted, an arm tight against her, and didn't wake once.

* * *

 **POEM:** _Home_ , by Warsan Shire


	8. truly little things

Since most of the crew, Joker included, had slept through the night, due to the intense couple of days of missions they'd just had, the Normandy wasn't exactly speeding through space toward the Citadel the next morning. In fact, even after Joker finally got up at oh-eight-thirty, he didn't seem to be in a terrible hurry to push the ship to its forbidding limits, distracted with EDI and their overdue conversations.

Shepard herself didn't mind – she didn't wake up quite as late as the pilot, but she didn't rush to leave her quarters, particularly since Kaidan was shirtless inside and she wasn't against keeping it that way.

"Do not," he grumbled the moment she shifted a millimeter under his arm. "'S not time for day stuff yet."

She resisted the urge to laugh and moved back under him, content to lay there in her musings while he wrestled wakefulness.

Eventually, though, she did need to make an appearance when rest was no longer an excuse that held up with the rest of the busy crew, who reacted without hesitation upon sight. For some reason, everyone was very eager to give her meaningless ship condition reports. The Normandy's data terminals had suffered massive upgrades in connectivity, personal accessibility, and logging. The engineers continued to announce improvements to everything from the core's performance, the reserves, the efficiency rates, the main control systems and all sensors. Jenkins had nervously mentioned he'd been diagnosed with a cold without so much as a sneeze.

It was only when Pressly found it necessary to inform her that EDI had been 'requisitioned' by Tali down in engineering, in what Shepard suspected had actually been a rescue mission, that she realized she was being tested. Or her reactions were, anyway. Everyone was on edge with the sudden AI involvement in their lives and Shepard was supposed to be reassuring, or at the very least dismissive, of any concerns.

"Well, she can multitask with the best of them, I'd imagine," she said casually. "I'm sure Tali just wants to bounce ideas off her. EDI's been very busy, I've been told."

"She's certainly efficient," Pressly said noncommittally.

Shepard left him with a smile and no one bothered her about it again the rest of the day.

Not exactly out of wanting, but more out of a sense of responsibility, she searched out Nihlus, figuring at the very least the crew tended to keep a wide berth from him. Sure enough, he was by himself in the cargo hold, a datapad in his hand that she assumed he was using to peruse data relevant to the story Shepard had told him.

He glanced over when she came into his line of sight. "Commander," he greeted. "Is there something I can do for you?"

She crossed her arms, staring at him critically. "You don't have anything to say? After yesterday?"

He paused and put the device away. "Such as?"

"Really?"

He shrugged noncommittally. "What _do_ you want me to say?"

It was her turn to hesitate. "I'm not sure, actually."

"Something is bothering you."

"Not _bothering_ , precisely. I'm just waiting for you to- you know, I don't know that either. I was- surprised, I guess, to be so easily believed."

Nihlus rolled his shoulders lazily, not looking at her. "You're forgetting nothing about your actions has been rational or free of suspicion from the beginning. Both Williams and I knew something was up, we were just having trouble coming up with a reasonable explanation. Turns out, that was because the explanation was anything but."

"That's it? 'You time-travelled, okay. What else?'"

"Your story explains a lot of things, Shepard. It fits well enough. If it's a lie, time will tell as the things you claim turn out to not happen at all. I'm pretty sure, however, that won't be the case. If I still need convincing, that will do the trick."

Fair enough. "And Eden Prime?"

He feigned obliviousness. "I'm looking forward to meeting that prothean, yes."

"Not what I meant, and you know it."

Nihlus was silent for a long time, looking anywhere but at her. "I'm alive, Shepard. I already knew it was thanks to you. If anything, the fact that your timely rescue wasn't the product of chance should make me even more thankful. Do you want me to go into an in-depth speech on second chances and the fortunate miracle of life?"

"Sure."

He grinned a little. "I'll spare you. Suffice it to say, Commander, I'm indentured to you. Happily. As for anything else that might be battering me over the head, it's nothing a good fistfight can't cure. There's no shortage of chances for that around you."

Shepard decided that was enough and left him to his devices, still skirting around the crew but knowing the turian liked his alone time. Handling this was never going to be easy, she told herself, for him or anyone else. There was hardly precedent she could study, people whose wisdom she could search out. The closest thing was Shepard herself, in all honesty, brought back to life by technology and scarily smart people. Time-travel was a different approach.

Time and patience. A tactic that had served her well enough. She'd leave him to his musings for as long as he required.

A few minutes later, as she passed by the bridge trying to draw no attention to herself, she noticed Joker, alone and muttering to himself over his controls, distracted from any parts of the outside universe that didn't fit into his ship. EDI wasn't there, and Shepard remembered Tali had taken her down to the lower decks.

She approached him cautiously. "Trouble?"

He started and stopped muttering. "No, just talking to myself as regularly scheduled. You're interrupting."

"My apologies," she said, smirking. "Got a couple minutes?"

He finally glanced away from his keyboards to look at her briefly. "Sure. I can always finish my conversation later."

She made a face at him and he turned his back to her again with a grin. "I haven't had a chance to talk to you one-on-one outside mission stuff, Joker. Not since-"

"You died? Yeah, I feel like one of us might have been kinda busy."

"Yeah? Busy with what?"

"Not sure, but someone has definitely been getting in all sorts of messes. I know very few people that blow up so much shit just walking by. Even less that manage to walk out of it."

"You don't blow things up."

"Well, then, it's probably not me that's been busy."

"I'd hit you if I wasn't worried about cracking your skull."

He grinned. "A beautiful sentiment."

"Smart-ass."

"You'd miss me if I were gone."

"Only because EDI would stop liking me the minute I threw you starboard," she quipped, dropping into the aforementioned AI's chair.

"Ouch. So it's true what they say, man really is being replaced by machine. Sentient, intelligent, extremely attractive machine. And what a way to go."

"That's the end of that."

Joker guffawed but turned serious quickly. "You know, speaking of you dying and other fun stuff, I've been meaning to pick a bone with you, Commander."

Shepard made to stand back up. "Oh, no, no you haven't-"

"Sit _down_ , we're talking about this."

She never felt so compelled to follow an order that wasn't even given by someone with the authority to do so. "Joker," she groaned.

He shushed her and seemed to take a second to think.

"You realize," he started slowly, "that no matter the orders anyone is given, no matter who's on the ship, no matter who you're leaving behind or who's kicking and screaming about it - one way or another, I'm _always_ the one with the hand on the metaphorical button? _I_ seal your fate."

"No, you seal yours and everyone else on this ship's," she said warily. "My decisions are mine alone."

"Your decisions end in me being regularly unable to look Alenko in the eye. Situations like Feros are getting less funny by the minute, and they began by being about as funny as Krios' existential tirades. Whether you end up being fine or not."

She winced. "Kaidan doesn't blame-"

"I _know_ he doesn't, I know it's not really me. But I'm still the one he always looks to for answers. Every time, _every time_ , I walk out without you and I get a front row seat to his world shattering." She hadn't really needed to hear that, but Joker was agitated and not paying attention to the look on her face. "And even when – even when I'm not just leaving you behind, I still end up being the reason you-"

"We've been through this, and I'm tired of having you explain to you that you weren't aiming that collector ship," she said evenly, and if her tone of voice was less friendly than usual, he didn't mention it.

"You know exactly why I blame myself."

She had every intention to insist on her previous arguments, but something in his face gave her pause. He wasn't looking at her, tensed like he was waiting for her to finally hate him. "Let me explain a few things to you, Joker." She hesitated, scrambling for the best way to phrase what she was about to say. "You're right. I do know why you blame yourself." He breathed in sharply. "Every time I go to bed, there's this endless list of names and faces that scroll by before I let myself fall asleep. It's like my brain won't settle down without that thought spiral. And that feeling you have? That you need to punish yourself like that – or that you need to keep bringing it up to see who will punish you instead - because what you have feels like a reward for other people's suffering? I know _exactly_ what guilt is."

"Oh."

"It's not about the people who pay steeper prices you think are unfair. It's about you. The truth is, you're where those thoughts begin and end. They're a part of you because you're a good person. They always will be. But you can't – you _can't_ spend your life trying to deal with them. You need balance. Like self-imposed reminders before bed. But not something that will break you so easily. It's not worth it. It's a waste of everybody's pain."

"Aw, shit, Shepard." Joker sighed, leaning his head back heavily. "Damn it."

"Have I finally convinced you to let it go?"

"Well – no. But you've at least convinced me to stop trying to get you to finally snap at me over it."

"Good enough."

Joker pressed a handful of controls at lightning fast speed and then swiveled his chair around to face her properly. "I've just got – one last thing. It's – don't answer if you don't want to."

He'd never given her such a blatant out, and he'd never sounded so nervous. She was starting to think there were negative aspects of her having a positive influence on him. "Don't leave a girl hanging," she said lightly.

"Did you – EDI said her calculations concluded your best– your _only_ chance of survival was destroying the reapers."

"Destroying all synthetic life," she corrected.

"Yeah." He cleared his throat. "Exactly."

"EDI failed to take into account the fact that I would never pick that, which would make any hypotheticals depending on it null and void."

"I – she was comparing the possibilities, not your willingness to-"

"If something was never on the table, it's not comparable. Null."

"But it was. You could-"

"Then by that logic I could have also shot myself in the head. Or hung around and let the reapers go on their merry way. I could have jumped off the Citadel with no purpose. I could have done a million things."

"Yeah. And the only one you had a shred of hope of surviving would still be destroying-"

"Destroying her. Killing EDI."

He flinched like he hadn't wanted it to be put in those terms. Unluckily for him, his point was transparent. "And all other synthetic life," he added lamely.

"So again – where was the choice here?"

"I don't know. From my limited point of view, it feels like – you were picking between yourself and – and her. I mean – sure, synthetic life too, but what's that? Some machines you don't know, sentient computers. Abstract beings you never met. EDI, though – it was either you or someone with whom you've discussed – y'know, existence. And like, the merits of human-AI relationships." Joker went quiet, and Shepard let him, leaning forward to contemplate him, elbows on her knees and chin on her hands. "She understands. She said something about priorities and sacrifice and friendship and-" Joker tapped his fingers against his leg. "I guess I'm just not as-"

"Joker, you're one of the best people I know," she finally interrupted. "Wouldn't be here otherwise. And some of the best things in life are selfish," she told him pointedly. "Trust me when I say that I _know_."

"I really wouldn't like to be Kaidan," was all he ended up saying to that. The strange thought that she'd also been picking between which one of the two men would get his heart broken floated along the edge of her consciousness, and she pushed it away before she had something else to obsess over.

"He does wish I were a little more selfish sometimes, I think." A smile tugged at her lips. "On the other hand, he knows who I am. He knows that's part of-" She gestured vaguely and Joker seemed to understand.

"Yeah, I always knew he was a bit of a masochist. You two are perfect for each other," he said, back to his usual self.

"Right, thanks, you little shit. You're lucky your girlfriend's so likeable."

He started laughing, more genuine than usual. "With that out of the way, shall we do the catching up you came here for?"

Shepard liked every single member of her crew, some more than others, but they all shared things with her no one else in the universe could ever understand. That said, there were precious few she loved just talking to regularly. Tali, Kasumi and Liara liked chatting a little too much, and James just ended up either forcing her to discover her inner Anderson or dragging her into a competitive display of machismo that didn't turn into a dick-measuring contest solely because she didn't have one. Ashley, Jack and Miranda always seemed to bring out in her the unstable, aimless young girl all four of them were deep down, and while some reckless part of her cherished those moments sometimes, the unease she tended to carry for hours afterwards wasn't always worth it. Chakwas was unnervingly caring, something between a mother and an older sister, and while occasionally she had a terrible urge to join her with her favorite wine, in some ways it was almost worse than getting delinquent drunk with Jack. Mordin, Samara, Javik and Thane usually negated the escapist nature she wanted out of a conversation, and Wrex, Grunt and Zaeed weren't the talking type, unless she wanted to discuss kill counts. Legion hadn't had EDI's range, at least back then, even if she appreciated his distinct perspective on matters once in a while, and Jacob was the guy she occasionally had a cheerful beer with, the one who would surprise her one day by telling her he'd had a dog for the greater part of their acquaintance, or some other prominently personal detail.

The ones she could talk to all day, on the other hand - Kaidan was her best friend, the one she could tell anything for support, the one who would hold any conversation with her and match her word for word and thought for thought. EDI had the most fascinating things to say and ideas to share, and whenever Shepard was feeling intellectually restless, that's who she went to. There was also Anderson, whom she interacted with rarely, which at once was shameful and made their conversations that much more special – each one grew in her a yearning for things she'd never had; the kind of guidance she could have used as a child and wouldn't waste now. Garrus was the easy listener she needed when she got a little fed up of listening herself; her fellow sniper, the steadfast comrade-in-arms she needed as the calm in the eye of the storm. Joker, however, was her version of a _bro_ ; talking to him was their version of gossiping, even if was just a garbage collection of shit-talking and wisecracks.

The fact that she hung around the cockpit for hours, fully invested in futile banter with her pilot, was a testament to the importance of the truly little things in life.

* * *

By the time Kaidan, Tali and EDI found them, they'd just unearthed some unidentified asari bottle. All Shepard knew about it was that it was alcoholic, which was all Joker had needed to be told.

"There you are," Kaidan said. He noticed the drink and became amused. "Commander Shepard, drinking on the job? Is that even safe for human consumption?" he added upon closer examination.

Shepard shrugged. "Probably." She didn't specify which question she was answering.

Tali placed her hands on her hips. "You're having a party and didn't invite me?"

Joker snorted. "Who throws a party and only invites the boss?" Shepard kicked the foot of his chair and made it spin. Joker returned to the exact same position as before, looking extremely self-satisfied.

"We were just chatting, Tali."

"How terrible are quarian parties, jeez."

Tali snatched the bottle away in retaliation. "I'm getting a straw." She disappeared, to everyone's disappointment.

Shepard noticed EDI just taking the scene in with a tilted head and stood up. "You can have your chair back, EDI. I think that's enough R&R for today."

"Speaking of which," Kaidan piped up, "how long 'till we arrive at the Citadel?"

"You should ask me that as soon as I start flying us there."

EDI clicked her tongue in disapproval. "Three hours and thirty minutes would be an approximate ETA, Lieutenant."

Shepard gave EDI a reassuring look as she passed her. "It's okay, today we can take it slow. We've been running around for what feels like weeks."

"Months," Kaidan corrected.

"The point is, I'm allowed to drink," Joker concluded.

"Not until we're at the Citadel."

"ETA two hours then." EDI seemed to defer to his judgement on that.

Kaidan followed Shepard out and through the bridge. "So what's on the schedule for today?"

"I'll start by trying to reach Miranda and go from there."

They were almost at the comm. room when she saw him surreptitiously look around and then sneak his hand through hers. "You're very quick to up and disappear. Also, drinking in the morning?"

"It's noon," she protested.

"And have you had lunch?"

"Have you?" she retorted childishly.

" _I've_ been down to engineering to check out EDI's work all morning. Also, to find out how many people had tried to shut her down already. Last count puts it at three. Four total attempts."

Shepard fed the controls in the comm. room well-known inputs and waited.

"The point being that we were both equally busy and we'll go grab something to eat after I speak to Miranda."

"'Equally busy' is certainly an expression."

"Shut up, you knew what you were getting into. You were the one who wanted to marry me."

That made him grin a little. "I think you saying yes means I get to nag you about these things, though."

"It does? Why did no one warn me about this?" she complained without any real heat.

" _Warn_ you _about something? Aren't you supposed to know everything, Commander?_ "

"Hey, look, you got through. Let me know how that goes," Kaidan said, exiting the room at the speed of light.

Miranda's distorted expression was still clear enough to express endless entertainment. " _Dedicated, isn't he? And still rather uncomfortable in Cerberus presence._ "

"Everybody needs to shut up today."

Miranda laughed. " _Your timing was impeccable, Shepard. I'm supposed to have gone dark and am not expected to check in for a little while. But I'm afraid I only have about an hour of time to spare you._ "

"Right – well, EDI's already given me the basics, so I guess I'll start with the whole-" Shepard grimaced. "Time-travel thing."

" _I'd appreciate that_ ," Miranda drawled.

There was something Shepard really appreciated about Miranda, her practicality. She could see she wasn't without emotional reaction to what she was hearing, but she was also the only one to simply thank her for sharing and move right along with little to no fanfare.

" _Let's focus on how we put this situation to good use, and fully exploit all our newfound advantages_ ," she said, eyes bright in a way Shepard both respected and feared a little.

"Sure, so long as we do it with the appropriate caution."

" _You and I are good at juggling caution._ "

Shepard sighed even as a small smile grew on her lips. "Sure. And sometimes we're way off, and it's good to have someone nearby with a cool head full of reminders."

Miranda hummed in acknowledgement. " _Speaking of cool heads, I have news on the biggest hot head we know._ "

Shepard immediately straightened. "Jack?"

" _She's not exactly an unknown name at Cerberus, as you well know. I was able to access a very extensive amount of information._ "

"She in trouble?"

Miranda rolled her eyes. " _She's always in trouble. I'm handling it._ "

"I – You are?"

" _As best I can. Leave it to me,_ " she said, tone so self-assured Shepard almost didn't ask further questions.

"But what-"

" _It's not important, and I'm confident I can take care of it._ " Shepard merely raised her eyebrows and Miranda sighed impatiently. " _She's fine. She – I'm going to try and have her join Cerberus._ "

"That's the worst idea I've ever heard."

Miranda scowled. " _Maybe not. We'll see. I have a plan._ "

Shepard only hesitated momentarily before giving up. "Well, if you need help, let me know. Just-"

" _It'll be fine. We'll keep in touch, as best we can. I'm sure Jack is eager to demand all sorts of answers from you._ "

"Plus, someone should really stay on top of this ship's modifications. I hear you already are."

" _Shepard, I'm a very efficient employee._ "

Shepard cracked a smile. "You're not working for me."

" _I'm an even more invaluable friend._ "

"You are," she agreed. "One I'd like to keep. Watch out for yourself." Shepard herself was beginning to tire of her repeated warnings, but in her defense, Miranda's demeanor was leaving her increasingly frightened.

" _I'll forward to EDI the upgrade data and the team I've assembled for the job. You should know I did it all in your name – I requisitioned Alliance resources. You'll find some of the names familiar._ "

Shepard didn't bother asking how she'd done that, and sighed exasperatedly as they signed off with the mutual understanding that constant worry was a part of their relationship.

* * *

" _Shepard, ETA to the Citadel, twenty-eight minutes,_ " EDI's smooth voice sounded in her ear.

"Good going."

" _You should know – there's an unusual amount of reporters who caught wind the Normandy was docking. They all seem to be angling for an interview with you._ "

Shepard groaned loudly. "Great. What are my chances of deflecting it to Kryik?"

"Very slim," the Spectre in question told her, having excellent timing in passing her in the hall.

" _I believe he was being ironic, but he wasn't inaccurate._ "

Shepard thought she heard him bark out a laugh in the distance, but that would have been so out of character she decided she'd imagined it.

Soon enough she was stepping out of the Normandy and onto the Citadel, where her crew was enthusiastic about the downtime. Shepard, on the other hand, was less so, particularly as she noticed a group of reporters whose eyes and cameras lit up as soon as they laid eyes on the ship.

"Think we can make a run for it?" she mumbled to Ashley under her breath, glancing at the line the journalists weren't allowed to cross.

Ashley exchanged a look with Kaidan and they both smirked. " _We_ can."

Shepard glared at Kaidan and the point got across. "Sorry," he offered placatingly, bothering only a little to hide his merriment. "I think if you give them a crumb, you might get through alright."

"I don't want to give them a crumb."

Tali appeared behind them that exact moment. "What's the hold-up, Shepard? Oh," she said, noticing the growing crowd. "Don't you get tired of being famous sometimes?"

"I'm not _fam_ \- Well, it's not for nice reasons."

Tali was no longer paying attention to her. "Hey," she yelled, and everyone in the group turned their attention to her eagerly. She pointed at a woman and Shepard recognized Diana Allers with a pang of shock. "You – _no_ , not you, bosh'tet, _her_ – yes, you. Come here."

The officers keeping them at bay hesitated when Allers turned to them expectantly and with a bright smile. Shepard ran a hand through her hair. "Let her through," she said, trying to make her tone even instead of resigned.

"There you go. A crumb. Problem solved." Tali clapped her on the shoulder and linked arms with Kaidan, disappearing into the sea of people. Ashley shrugged and followed, slipping past Diana as she approached.

"Commander Shepard, it's a real honor! I'm Diana Allers with-"

"Why don't we go inside?"

Allers looked like Christmas had come early. "Of course!" This woman was blissfully unaware of the war she'd reported from her ship, Shepard decided.

She led her back inside the ship to the debrief room, where the journalist sat and looked around, an obvious mix of awe and nerves in her expression. As soon as Shepard sat too, however, she turned back into the professional she remembered. "Before we turn the camera on – I assume you called me here because you don't want an uncontrolled narrative about you in the media?" she questioned shrewdly. "You've been remarkably private so far."

"Partly."

"I don't cater facts."

"I don't expect you to. That's why I'm hoping you and I can work out a mutually beneficial relationship. One that revolves around you being the first person to share the facts. If that's of any interest to you."

Allers beamed. "I'm _very_ interested."

Naturally, part of the deal was an immediate exclusive interview. Shepard hoped this would be worth it – at the very least, she now had a reliable way to promote her warnings and findings. Allers was the most fair-minded journalist Shepard had met so far, even if she liked her (occasionally out-of-touch) sensationalism as much as the next one, so it went much better than her actual first interview as a Spectre.

Shepard didn't ask her to board, because the Normandy wasn't (yet) a war vessel, but Allers didn't seem to expect or want it. She was convinced she'd just been handed the ticket to the rest of her career. Hopefully she'd become conscious to the gravity and stakes of her position as time went on. Shepard was desperate for a snowball effect.

"So, why me?" Allers asked out of nowhere as soon as the interview ended. Her eyes were narrowed, clearly trying to work out how she'd been so lucky now she'd had time to process it.

"I'm vaguely familiar with your work," Shepard lied, which was definitely going to come back to bite her in the ass. "And you were the one reporter who hung back and watched, instead of getting the camera blazing as soon as I stepped into view."

Allers was clearly not stupid enough to think that was all there was to it, but she seemed content to accept it as an answer. "Well, I hope we can both be what we expect out of each other."

Shepard chuckled, taken aback. "Sure. I'll walk you out."

The string of reporters outside had thinned by the time they emerged again, so Shepard was able to finally enter the Citadel without too much trouble. Waiting for her just outside C-SEC was Garrus, leaning against the wall with his arms and legs crossed.

Allers made eye contact with him and his eyes widened, shifting immediately to Shepard with a question. "I'm meeting my friend here, Allers. I'll call you up the next time there's something juicy for you to know."

That earned her a smile. "Don't save the galaxy without telling me first, Commander." She pressed forward by herself, and Shepard stared after her.

"I can't decide if she's too clever or if she knows what's up and is trying to be coy about it," she said, turning back to Garrus.

He was amused. "Will it make a lot of difference?"

"Not really." Shepard sighed and considered him. "So. I'm about seventy-three per cent sure we'll find Kaidan, Tali and Ashley at the seediest bar here. The question is, do we join them now or later?"

Now he was smirking. "Don't you have business to attend to? Should you be getting drunk?"

"Business is why I get drunk. But fine, you have a point. Later, then. I need to find Liara. Her father should be here."

They met Liara down in the markets, where she was talking to Aethyta in hushed but heated whispers. Garrus gave her a pointed look that she interpreted as an expression of doubt in the stealth capacity of blending into a crowd. Clearly, it'd been the asari's chosen strategy, sitting out in the open as they were, and earning themselves looks at their strained interaction.

Shepard followed Garrus over to them, and caught her friend's attention easily.

"Shepard," Liara greeted in relief.

Aethyta took her in from head to foot. "So this is her?"

Shepard glanced around, noticing a suspiciously quiet volus not too far from them, and tapped her foot in discomfort. "Maybe we should move this conversation somewhere more private."

Garrus gave the volus a mildly menacing look and he vanished in disproportionate terror.

"He wasn't a problem," Liara said dismissively.

"No one's taken him seriously ever since he made a colossal investment mistake, he's got a reputation for dimness," Aethyta added.

Exasperated, Shepard gestured to the nearest transit. "Can we please discuss sensitive matters, which are only in-the-know for a handful of people, somewhere private?" she rephrased.

Aethyta narrowed her eyes at the three of them. Liara grimaced. "Right, of course. You'll – requisition an office, then?"

"C'mon."

* * *

Aethyta was not as easy to convince as Ashley and Nihlus, which was saying something. In the end, she seemed to simply accept that someone she cared about needed her help, because Liara was a persuasive manufacturer of emotional entanglements, purposeful or not. Shepard wasn't convinced the matriarch had accepted their story, but they armed her with a bunch of unlikely information with the promise it would come to fruition soon enough, and that was all they could do beyond waiting.

"So – you'll help my mother?"

Aethyta considered Liara in silence for a long time. "Kid – even if-" She sighed, deflating. "I'm glad we met. I cared for your mother a lot, once. You didn't have to try so hard to persuade me."

"All we did was tell you the truth," Liara promised. "But thank you. How do you want to do this?"

Aethyta had brought her own vessel, and Shepard didn't ask where she would take Benezia. They helped with the transfer, and as Liara gave her mother's hand one last squeeze before she disappeared into a different ship, Shepard hung back with Garrus to give her privacy. The asari was probably the one going through the wildest emotional rollercoaster out of all of them, but both her and her father seemed happier for the reconnection.

"Well – don't be a stranger," she overheard Aethyta saying awkwardly.

Liara didn't bother replying and simply gave her a hug.

"Well, shall we? There's much to do, I'm sure," she said briskly as she rejoined them, her father boarding her ship in the background.

"We could start with the boring stuff, I'm sure everyone's requisitioned something."

Both Garrus and Liara cringed at that, and Shepard laughed at them. "I'm kidding. I need a drink. Or a dozen."

Liara was uncharacteristically enthusiastic about this plan, so they set off in the direction of loud, unpalatable music and the smell of booze and vomit. Shepard could always ask Kaidan and Ashley to suffer through her errands later, and she was sure EDI and Joker were on top of the upgrade progress.

"Bet you Wrex and Kryik are doing target practice somewhere they shouldn't be instead of drinking. Loser pays a round."

"You projecting, Vakarian? I remember you had no issues with going off reservation to defeat some bottles with inferior sniper skills."

"I'm pretty sure we established they were unmistakably _superior_ that day."

"Who's gonna believe you?"

Garrus made a rude turian gesture in Shepard's direction and she cackled because she didn't really know what it meant.

Liara shrugged good-naturedly. "I'll pay for the round."

"You're not supposed to announce you think you'll lose so soon, T'Soni."

"I'm pragmatic."

"Defeatist," Garrus corrected.

A message pinged in Shepard's omnitool and she hummed sympathetically. "Turns out Garrus wins. Fractionally. Wrex is the only one not supposed to be at the Spectre offices."

"Hey – I earned that one. Come on now."

"Yes, you did, congrats. You can get a little drunker for free now."

Liara laughed, a mood change Shepard approved of. "Hurry up. I'm feeling reckless and we're dawdling instead of ingesting harmful substances for fun."


	9. the way things change

Liara was usually the buzzkill, but since she was in a precarious emotional state, Shepard had to be the one to step up and call it for the alcohol intake. Ashley's tongue was beginning to loosen along with her inhibitions, which was a sure sign that they should quit while they were ahead.

"I'm just going to the bathroom," Kaidan said, speech not quite slurred but not as alert as Shepard liked it.

She watched him. He stood and even managed to get both feet firmly on the ground without wobbling twice. Something was off, she decided, as he walked away. She couldn't tell what, probably because of the alcohol her brain was soaking up, but her ears prickled. She focused her hearing in the direction Kaidan had disappeared to and instantly became hyperaware.

" _What the hell do you think you're doing?!_ " a female voice whisper-shrieked. "That's an Alliance marine, put that _down!_ "

"Not the greatest idea, gotta agree," Kaidan's calm voice said, somehow devoid of alcoholic influence now. She heard it echoing in her earpiece too. He was obviously trying to get their attention. The music was loud, but they were somehow louder, half-hidden in a corner Shepard could barely see from her seat. "Why don't you hand me that gun butt-first before anyone gets hurt?"

She stood up immediately and all four squad mates still with her were right on her heel.

"He was with those other Alliance types, and he was walking our way, he was gonna bust us!" a male voice growled in response, which Shepard classified as incredibly stupid even though she really wasn't supposed to be able to tell that from a voice.

"For _what_ , you complete _idiot_?! They're gonna come our way _now_ for sure," the woman hissed again. Shepard reached them, weapons already drawn. The woman's back was to them as she furiously berated her friend, and Kaidan was just standing there bemusedly. The burly guy, who now looked afraid as he noticed Shepard, was still aiming his gun irregularly.

"We were actually not here for you," Ashley commented, her hand also hovering near the trigger. "Emphasis on the past tense."

The woman threw her hands in the air and turned to face them. "See? They were getting goddamn _hammered_ , blissfully unaware – what in God's name, _Jane_? _Seriously_?"

For a second, echoes screamed from a faraway planet - a mess of cropped black hair, large pretty eyes full of trickery, and a pixie-like frame leaning slightly away from people as though prepared to take off running at any time. Shepard almost dropped her gun. "This must be a bad joke. May, get that dumbass to drop his weapon or so help me."

May obliged and head-slapped her crony, which was not the approach Shepard would have personally taken, considering he still had his finger on the trigger of a gun pointed in Kaidan's general direction. She involuntarily lurched forward to do something surely useless, but he'd gotten the message and dropped his arm while taking several steps back from Kaidan's immediate biotic reaction.

"Go take a walk," May snapped at her goon while Shepard gestured for Kaidan to get behind her. Both men complied without a peep, probably due to the expression on the women's faces.

Shepard's scowl was directed at May, however, who was a braver person than most, because she decided to roll her eyes in response.

"He's still pretty and unpunctured, right? So what's the problem?" she asked flippantly. To her credit, Tali managed to keep herself from snorting at that.

"Excuse me, he just threatened an Alliance marine on _my_ watch. _I_ get to decide whether or not there's a problem," Shepard retorted dangerously.

May didn't look as amused all of a sudden. "Look, he's an idiot. A jumpy idiot. It's so hard to get decent help these days. Clearly, no one was ever in any danger. Just – let it go, alright?"

Kaidan coughed pointedly behind her, because he was far too soft-hearted, and Shepard huffed in resignation, finally putting away her weapons. "And why's he so jumpy, exactly? What are you doing here?" she questioned without preamble.

May was beginning to look irritated by Shepard's attitude. "None of your business, _Commander_." Shepard's glare intensified and May sighed. "Reds business," she admitted.

Liara made a distasteful sound with her throat that indicated she remembered their previous run-in with the Reds on the Citadel.

"Your old gang?" Kaidan asked, glancing at Shepard. "Great. That's – great."

May tutted. "So judgmental and we barely know each other."

Shepard stepped forward to keep May's attention off the Lieutenant. "Not the greatest impression, just now. I know why you're here." She looked defensive but worried, clearly wondering if that was true. "Finch and Curt Weisman?"

May's expression turned defiant, but she looked away and Shepard had won. That had been one hell of a shot in the dark. "Do people just _tell_ you things?"

"You'd be surprised." Shepard cleared her throat as May's eyebrows went up on her forehead. "I'm a Spectre."

"Not sure what that's supposed to explain, but whatever. I came here to beat some sense into Finch's head. He's gone down – a shitty, _stupid_ path. On Weisman's shitty, stupid heels."

"Since _when_ is Finch a sheep?"

That made May furious. "Since always. You seriously don't remember? He was your loyal little guard dog from the get-go. Even then, he latched onto the first hint of authority he saw."

That stung. Shepard gaped at her. "He's a person with all the range of decision-making everyone else has."

"It's just that some of us get a couple different options, right?" May snarled bitterly.

Ashley's mouth dropped open, and Shepard decided she'd better get on damage control. "Don't play the victim. What the _hell_ are you still doing in a gang that turned xenophobic way too long ago?" Shepard demanded, not particularly concerned with her motivations.

May scowled and crossed her arms, the only clue she wasn't entirely unaffected by Shepard's intimidation. " _I'm_ trying to make the Reds the gang Commander Shepard came out of. _I'm_ trying to help the good people in it that had nowhere to turn when you _left_."

Shepard flinched and almost took a step back. "No, there's no way you can put this on me. It's a _gang_. The guy in custody is a two-bit _terrorist_."

May looked ashamed, which was good, because she could see Garrus scowling out of the corner of her eye. If she didn't make this quick or force them to give her a little space, someone was going to interfere in a deceptively unhelpful manner. "I know. I'm sorry. That was stupid. I'm just a little – I didn't expect to see you again, is all."

Shepard felt her cheeks redden. "Okay."

May blew a long breath. "My point is that – the kids you remember from back when, they're still there. Different names, different faces, same old sob stories. They're still with the Reds, and not all of them are the Finch's or Weisman's of the universe. They're just scared and optionless. I'm staying because leaving would feel like betraying them."

Shepard looked away because withstanding her gaze felt like being punched in the gut. "I'm not-"

"I'm not saying that's what you did, Jane. Hell, look at you," she deliberately scanned her up and down. "You do way more to help out there than you could do hanging out with a bunch of street rats. But me – I can do something."

"Fine," Shepard snapped finally. "Fine. I – I'll go talk to Finch and the guard then, and-"

" _I'll_ handle Finch," May said impatiently. "Curt can rot with the turians for all I care, about time and good riddance." She sounded rather vicious but in a satisfied way.

"You sure you-"

"Yes," she interrupted. "I'm still alive, aren't I? Just 'cause you were the perpetual white knight hanging around doesn't mean the rest of us can't learn a few tricks while you're busy cleaning up after the Council. Plus, you were fun to watch, that's an educative experience too," she added, and her tone was so suggestive that Kaidan choked very loudly.

"Alright, you know what, we'll be over there," Tali said briskly, grabbing Kaidan by the arm and physically dragging him away. Shepard needed to appreciate the quarian more. Garrus, Ashley and Liara hurried after them.

May watched them go with narrowed eyes, Kaidan particularly closely, and then turned back to Shepard to see her looking away, which resulted in some sort of conclusion flashing across her face.

"Sensitive fellows, aren't they?"

Shepard glared. "No. Professional ones."

"Oh, _sure_. How professional is the honey-eyed ken doll over there, namely when you've got him all to yourself?"

" _May_."

She smiled, and Shepard almost didn't notice a little sadness behind it. "Oh, relax. It's – it's good you have someone. Your job – your life's gotta be tough."

And just like that the mood had soured in a melancholic way, which was so much worse than anger in a lot of ways.

"It's not so bad."

"I bet." She paused. "How's it compare to the streets?"

Shepard rolled her eyes, lips tightening. "It doesn't."

"How verbose. I see the Alliance has beaten the poetry out of you."

"It's step three in their indoctrination."

"But _not_ the god-awful jokes, praise be."

Shepard crossed her arms. "You know, I'm rather fond of the Alliance. Could you possibly avoid slandering us in my presence?"

"Yes, that hasn't changed either. If there was some good in you going off-planet, it was that you finally got your dream job."

The amusement drained out of Shepard quickly. "I hope the good is more than just _that_."

May pulled a face. "No-joke topic, gotcha."

"I- You know, you're the reason I left," Shepard said, somehow stuck on the topic. May looked confused, so she elaborated. "You were talking, before, you said I'd left you all behind – you're why."

"What's that supposed to mean?" May said angrily, stiffening at the mood swing.

"I meant – it's just that I wouldn't have been able to do it if not for you. I needed a push."

"Ah." She retracted. "Yeah, I remember." Her eyes became unfocused, and Shepard revisited old memories too. "You could always find a way to sabotage yourself when you wanted to. I just stopped you, that time."

"Why?"

May seemed to give that some thought. "A sudden and painfully clear moment of foresight."

Shepard hesitated. "I- Well, thanks."

Something in her expression triggered May to spill her guts out, probably out of a need to air feelings she hadn't had a chance to in years. Shepard couldn't exactly begrudge her that, so she kept her mouth shut and listened. "You know, right up until the last moment, I fooled myself thinking it wasn't goodbye forever. And then, I saw you all suited up, new haircut, just a backpack with all your stuff and-" May shook her head and didn't finish her sentence. "But _you_ , you were something else. It was like I was seeing you for the first time. Full picture, the great big hero of Earth." She rolled her shoulders like she was shaking away something unpleasant. "It was right about _then_ I realized I was never going to be able to keep you. You're not the staying type."

Shepard winced and didn't bother denying it. "Life's more than- sometimes, there are more important things."

May burst out laughing. "Hell yeah. There's the Shepard I know. Sucking all the romance out of everything. I was beginning to think that preppy marine had finally put you off cynicism."

Shepard rolled her eyes but fought a smile. May was contemplating her fondly, and she realized they were gearing up for a full-on nostalgic trip through memory lane, which she wanted to prevent. "It was good to see you," she said, finally. "And-"

"It's alright. We're good."

"We are."

May's smile grew sharper. "I should be on my way now. And you probably have to go do something I'll check out on the vids next week." There was a reckless flash of instinct on her expression and she hesitated for a brief moment before bringing up her omnitool. "And here. A contact. For – any eventualities." Primly, she flicked her wrist and the soft orange glow vanished. Shepard glanced down at her own to see the incoming data. She forwarded it to Miranda on a whim.

"Thanks."

May saluted, only mostly ironic. "Don't die, Commander Jane Shepard of the Alliance Navy. See ya."

Then she was gone. Kaidan suddenly materialized beside her. "So, did you catch up?" he asked, attempting casual and achieving a nervous smile.

She wanted to laugh at him, felt it bubbling up to the surface, even. Instead, she considered him for several moments while he looked increasingly uncomfortable. "I'd stay for you," she realized. "If you asked me to. Which you won't. But the point stands." She tore her gaze away from Kaidan's wide-eyed expression to look in the direction May had disappeared to. "I wouldn't for her. I _didn't_ for her. But I would. For you."

Then she strode off to warn Curt Weisman's guard anyway, because May was trustworthy but Shepard wasn't idiotic. Kaidan scrambled after her but didn't try to press further. There were still things that she wasn't good at, for all her maturity.

Shit, he really had put her off cynicism.

"We'll just get back to the drinking then, if you don't mind," Garrus called after her, and Ashley actually offered him a high-five. Tali attempted two strange but enthusiastic thumbs-up. Liara hesitated for a moment, and then joined them with a sigh and a wrinkled nose.

Kaidan held out all the way through warning the guard, plus a few dozen meters more. "Shepard," he began when he broke at last, and she cut him off immediately.

"Yes, she-" She stuttered and kept going. "We were teenagers. Before I enlisted."

Kaidan didn't seem to know what to do with his face other than flushing slightly. "Oh, okay," was all he said.

Shepard snorted. "Out with it."

"Nothing to be out with," he denied immediately. "She's – she seemed nice, you never did say if you caught up," he said, stumbling over his own words lamely.

She hummed, disregarding what he was saying entirely in favor of his body language. "Your jealously is- shockingly not as annoying as I thought it would be, which is personally insulting me a bit."

"Does everything have to be complicated or a moral standoff?" he grumbled.

"Not with you, for the most part."

"Well, good. In that case, I didn't like her, I thought she was way too handsy. Also, terrible attitude."

Shepard was laughing. "She didn't touch me once."

"It's the intent that counts."

Shepard suddenly came way too close to him, able to count his eyelashes, and let her hand hover over his chest. She arched an eyebrow. "So – practical application doesn't matter, is that what you're saying?"

He grabbed her hand and wove his fingers through it tightly. "Fine. It does matter a little. A lot," he added hastily when she made to pull back. She smirked and pecked his lips. He frowned in hesitation, like there was a bug wheezing around his head that he was no longer able to ignore. "Before – what were- what did you mean? About staying?"

"You know what I meant. I'm always running. There's a reason I live my life on ships."

The expression on his face didn't change but he pulled her somehow closer, resting his forehead against hers. The artificial wind on the Citadel rustled their hair and Shepard was reminded they were being rather public, even if she couldn't be made to care all that much. "You won't have to _stay_. I'd follow you anywhere."

"That's nice to know."

That earned her a soft smile. "C'mon, I've had enough of the great outdoors," he muttered, and they headed back to the docking bay and the Normandy in sync.

* * *

"What're you thinking about?" Kaidan said, a not insignificant amount of hours later, alone with her in her cabin and perceptive as always. Shepard was lying on her bed, throwing a bouncing ball at the ceiling and ignoring Kaidan's biotics messing with its trajectory.

"Nothing."

"Tell me what you're thinking about," he commanded. "Please?" he added with an angelic smile at her answering glare.

She rose to support herself on her elbows and squint her eyes at him. He caught the bouncing ball from his seat on her chair, and kept it bouncing endlessly on the desk, glowing bright blue.

"Should you be wasting energy like that?"

"You have such a boring definition of the word 'waste'."

"You have such a wasteful definition of the word 'boring'."

" _Ha._ " He let the ball drop into his hand. "I can see the smoke coming from the gears turning in your head, you know. You've been too quiet."

She dropped back again with a sigh, giving up. "I'm just thinking. Trying to remember," she corrected herself. "The way things are changing isn't exactly predictable. What could we have possibly done that I ran into May instead of-"

"Let's not panic, it wasn't an earth-shattering change," Kaidan interrupted quickly before she went on a self-winding tirade. "Small stuff we can handle."

"Small stuff piles up quickly."

"But – we kind of want it to, right?"

Shepard thought for a while, tapping her fingers on her leg. "Yes. We do. You're right." There was a pause. "All the same, I think we're going to start seeing things go _way_ off course now. I wonder-"

" _Hey, Shepard, I think we've got a big problem._ "

Joker's voice was straining in the way it did when he was verging on panic. "Naturally," she muttered sarcastically, jumping to her feet. "Small, did you say, Alenko?"

Kaidan groaned. "We'll head over and talk, Joker, give us a bit." Even as he said it, she was already walking out the door.

" _It's Virmire_." Somehow, Shepard's pace became faster. " _Something's not quite right._ "

"Helpful and not at all alarming."

"It's Kirrahe's unit," EDI said upon sight on the bridge. She handed Shepard a brightly lit datapad. "I've been monitoring their channels so we'd be alerted immediately as soon as there was need. They've reported in and left Virmire without incident. According to him, there was nothing there. Just an empty base."

"Indoctrination?" Shepard heard a sharp intake of breath from Kaidan's direction at the thought. "Maybe the reapers decided they want a high-ranking salarian spy."

"I'm unsure. It is a possibility."

" _Or_ , Saren's abandoned Virmire for some reason," Joker suggested, back still turned to them as he focused on the screens in front of him.

Shepard's knuckles tightened on his chair. "That's not what happened before."

"Yeah, we know. We were there." Kaidan sounded on edge.

"I want to speak to Kirrahe," Shepard said urgently. "Can you arrange it?"

"In person? It would take a little longer."

"And make it harder to hide the indoctrination."

"Maybe not too much longer," Joker inserted himself back into the conversation, at once smug and helpful. He was scrolling through what was surely data he wasn't supposed to have access to. "I think they're heading this way for supply restock. You might squeeze yourself into his schedule today, even. It'd give Daniels and Donnelly enough time to work out the rest of the upgrades with Adams. EDI's already almost as seamless with this ship as she used to be with the SR-2." Shepard's attention only stumbled slightly at the two names. Miranda _had_ warned her she'd find them familiar. She was going to need to head down to engineering soon.

"Track Kirrahe down," Shepard ordered, back on track. "I thought we'd have more time," she muttered as she strode away.

"Last time, we did. It's tight but not impossible, relax," Kaidan advised, falling into step behind her like always. "One thing at a time."

"Too many goddamned things, that's all."

They returned to her cabin with somehow greater urgency. "We're going to Virmire anyway," Kaidan concluded wisely, correctly reading the situation. She went straight to her desk as soon as she stepped foot inside, briskly opening a drawer and ruffling carelessly through its contents.

"Yes. I need to talk to everybody," she reminded herself. Their break was most assuredly over.

"What are you thinking?"

She came up with the datapad she wanted, powering it up and slamming the drawer closed at the same time. "I'm thinking we plan a recon op."

"What would we be looking for?" He asked, also scanning over the data over her shoulder.

"I don't know. But whatever it is, I'll wager it's gonna be looking for _me_ too. So it shouldn't be too hard to spot."

Kaidan looked torn, worrying the inside of his cheek. "This will be the first mission we don't know exactly how it's supposed to go since we came back here."

She ran a hand through her hair, full of nervous energy. "I know. I know that. We need to be careful. But it's a mission like any other," she said firmly. "And everyone's walking out of it just fine."

"We need to tell Ash."

"No, we don't," Shepard snapped. "It'll throw her. I need her on her A-game."

" _Shepard_ ," Kaidan reprimanded, aghast. He seemed stuck between horror and anger. "We can't just let her land on damn _Virmire_ and not-"

"So she doesn't land, problem solved."

"Jane, we're _not_ keeping this from her."

Shepard groaned and dropped her head back against the wall behind her. "I know. I just need – let this sink in. We need to talk with the others first anyway."

Kaidan was about to open his mouth again, demeanor conflicted as though he wanted to offer comfort but was unwilling to yield an inch, when there was a knock on the door.

"Shepard, do you have a moment?" A soft voice asked from the other side.

Kaidan's lips turned down stubbornly, which was his way of telling her they weren't through with that argument. "Yeah, Liara, come in."

Liara came in with a datapad in hand and a focused, downturned frown. "I've been compiling a lot of your connections' current whereabouts and situations," she began without preamble, heading for the desk. She transferred cloud access keys to Shepard's personal terminal. "You've already touched base with a fair few, but there are many more out there that it would be useful to establish as allies."

Shepard decided against bringing up Virmire while everyone was probably still out at the Citadel, and while Liara had that look on her face. The asari's downtime seemed to have lasted only a little longer than hers. Shepard sat down at her desk with a weary groan. "And you've been doing this in your quest to-"

"Become the Shadow Broker again, yes. Is that an issue?"

"No, just checking," Shepard said immediately, noting the testiness in her voice. "You alright, Liara?"

She flushed, as though having forgotten herself. "Yes, I'm sorry. Just – on edge. There's a lot-" She took a deep breath. "There's a lot."

"You know you can come to me with anything you need, right?"

"Of course, Shepard, but you can't be expected to help everyone with everything. I am capable of doing this on my own, it's just somewhat overwhelming to juggle everything."

"I think that's why Shepard's point still stands."

Liara glanced over at Kaidan tiredly. Even he looked a little worried. "I know, Kaidan. Thank you both. If I truly need it, you're the first person I'll tell," she said, turning back to Shepard. "But as I was saying – you should take a look at these dossiers."

Shepard accessed them. "You tracked down Mordin, Thane-"

"Traynor, Kelly Chambers, Diana Allers-"

"I had a run-in with her today. She hasn't got a clue about anything."

"No, I wouldn't think so. None of the people I've found seem to be acting any different. I think you've discovered everyone who does."

"Huh." Shepard mulled that over for a second, sure there was something she should be noticing about those names. "I think – I don't think anyone who died before I did got these memories," she realized slowly. "Not just them, but-"

Liara was nodding encouragingly. "No, no, I _agree_. I'd noticed that as well. You said this is data that was being collected by the reapers' intelligence, correct? Wouldn't it make sense that if one of your allies passed, the data would then be discarded? I'm sure they'd have to limit their monitoring to the handful of people they considered most relevant. I mean – what use would Dr. Solus's memories be if he wasn't going to be in the fight, let alone Ashley's?"

Shepard nodded haltingly, a little disconcerted at Liara's phrasing. "I guess so." She shook off the gloomy thoughts. "Maybe no one else was seen as- as important. So, what do you want me to do with this information?"

"Well – primarily, I recommend we keep an eye on these people. If they can be converted to the cause sooner, that would be added benefit. I've spoken to Donnelly and Daniels down in engineering, they'll be joining the crew. I understand Miranda Lawson has already reached out to Jack and Jacob, both very capable assets. Allers, for instance, is very interesting to me. She has the power to become an invaluable megaphone."

"I sort of – gave her an exclusive interview already."

Liara looked beyond pleased. "Fantastic. I'll change her status to recruited."

Shepard exchanged a look with Kaidan. "'Recruited'? We're not at war yet, Liara," he said cautiously.

"And if we do this right, we never will be," she stated firmly, and left with a perfunctory nod to both of them.

"Is there such a thing as too much inspiration? Miranda and Liara are worrying me," Shepard vented, as soon as the latch locked on the door, turning green.

"They'll be alright. War does a lot of things to people," Kaidan told her distractedly, looking at the data. "You know, Liara was very thorough. Also, Tali's heard back from her father."

"Expected nothing less. And _good_ , at least _some_ things are going according to plan." Shepard's fingers were already flying over her omnitool, issuing a bunch of orders to her closest team mates. "Ash and Nihlus are with them, they'll ask questions."

Kaidan wasn't insensitive to her stress levels, keeping up with her train of thought easily. "That's fine," he reassured. "You can answer them after we discuss the mission. I still think they should be thoroughly briefed before, but if you really think it's best-"

"I don't know what's best anymore. That's what you're for."

"You do know what's best," he pushed gently. She knew he'd already convinced her. "I know it's hard. Call her up and tell her right now. Do you want me here?"

Shepard reached for the datapad in his hand subconsciously, unsure. "Maybe that's a good idea." She shook her head. "But I just sounded an alarm and they're all going to want to know what's going on. One thing at a time," she said, repeating his words.

As though on cue, she heard the unmistakable sound of people approaching, and quickly enough, Ashley, Garrus, Tali and Liara poured in, the last bemused as to why she'd been called back in mere minutes after she'd left.

"What's the impending catastrophe, Shepard?" Tali greeted, unceremoniously plopping down on the desk.

"Were you all back in the ship already?" Kaidan asked, surprised.

"Like life on the Normandy lasts five minutes without an 'all hands on deck' order."

"We're preemptive," Garrus elaborated.

Shepard could have said many things to that, but Wrex and Nihlus arrived just then, making her cabin feel quite a bit smaller than usual. She shut the door anyway, because this wasn't a conversation for outside ears.

"What's up?" Wrex asked casually, almost cheerfully. Shepard supposed he'd won the target practice match. Nihlus just waited silently and patiently.

"We're heading to Virmire bright and early tomorrow."

Any good mood in the room disappeared entirely, and Ashley didn't look oblivious to how there seemed to be an invisible spotlight on her all of a sudden.

"Okay," she said, crossing her arms and pretending anyway. "So for this one I get to hear the super-secret pre-mission debrief the lot of you always have, right?"

"For this one, I'd brief you myself," Garrus promised. Tali nodded in spirited agreement.

Ashley glanced around suspiciously. "Why?"

"Historic reasoning," was Wrex's contribution. Shepard snorted at his unexpected insight.

"Alternative history, actually, it turns out," Tali corrected. "Or it better be," she added, voice devolving into much nastier and more menacing pitches.

"Starting to feel like there's something I should be told," Ashley demanded uneasily.

"There's something you all should be told," Shepard intervened, in an attempt to regain control of the conversation. "Captain Kirrahe has checked in from his investigative mission on Virmire and his findings indicate the base on the planet was deactivated and abandoned. He's already left orbit, and is currently headed here, in fact."

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's not what you remember happening, is it?" Nihlus said slowly.

"It's not," Shepard confirmed. "Last time, they were in so much trouble when we got there, they were asking for a whole fleet in backup."

"What changed?" Liara asked, alarmed.

"We don't know," Kaidan said.

"Which is why we're going there to investigate," Ashley inferred. "Makes sense."

"'We' is a strong word. Maybe Williams and Alenko could stay safely on the ship?" Garrus suggested pointedly.

"Wait, what? Absolutely not," Ashley said at the same time Kaidan growled, " _Hell_ no."

Garrus shrugged. "Well, I tried. Did everything I could to prevent it." Shepard grimaced.

"Why would I not be going?" Ashley challenged, offended. "What aren't you telling me?"

"Well, we should really get going and make sure the gear is ready for tomorrow. Garrus, coming?" Tali ordered politely, snatching Wrex by the arm on her way out.

Garrus eagerly followed her through the door, and Liara seemed to decide she was also unwilling to witness the upcoming conversation. The door shut gently behind her.

Nihlus instantly leaned against it, making a stubborn show of his point, and Kaidan sighed heavily, sitting on the bed. Ashley looked increasingly perturbed.

"Well?"

Shepard took a deep breath and allowed painful memories to surface. She alternated from avoiding everyone's eyes and searching out Kaidan's as she spoke.

A few minutes later, Ashley's bravado was gone and she had imitated Kaidan in using the mattress for support. Her face had lost all color. "Oh."

Nihlus looked like he regretted staying behind, and Kaidan's expression was a mix of anxiety and sadness. "Ash-"

"Be quiet, Alenko, I don't regret a thing," Ashley said immediately. Shepard twitched violently. Kaidan was now torn between gazing in worry at either woman. "I- well, I _wouldn't_ have regretted a thing. I'd have done the same." _You know it's the right choice, LT._ "You know it was-"

"No. Don't," Kaidan snapped. Shepard heard something break in his voice. "Stop. I can't do this." He breezed out of the room, and she couldn't make herself look at him.

"Kryik, why don't you go check on him?" she requested with unexpectedly steady inflexion.

Nihlus looked relieved for the opening and left without a word as well.

"Walk me through it."

"What?" Shepard asked, losing the control she'd managed over her voice.

Ashley looked wary but determined. "You said you had to pick one of us. That's a pretty lacking explanation. Walk me through it."

For a while, Shepard didn't know what to do with herself. She could barely look at her friend. And then, with the usual self-loathing she employed when thinking about these things, she opened her mouth and let every detail spill forward.

"We split up early on. Kirrahe needed you. It was- there wasn't much of a problem right up until the end. We brought out the bomb, and then you called me up to say you were pinned down," she remembered, refusing to look away from the ceiling. "Kaidan said he'd stay behind to set up the nuke while I went to help you, but I was halfway there when _he_ called me up to say hostiles converged on his position. He activated the bomb and told me to get you out of there, because-" Shepard sighed, pressing a hand against her forehead. "Because he's-"

"A stupidly brave man and a shit subordinate," Ashley completed indignantly. "Why wouldn't he wait for your signal?"

Shepard couldn't help it, that drew a genuine laugh out of her. "Like you wouldn't have done the exact same thing."

Ashley ignored that. "So that meant-"

"That meant that a bomb was about to go off, you were each yelling at me to go get the other, and I had time to do one thing and one thing only."

Ashley breathed out slowly. "And so you went back for him. I get it," she comforted with a gentle smile, as Shepard refused to look her in the eye out of shame. "I would have done the same thing. Emotional entanglements or no. He's the superior-"

"No," Shepard said sharply. Ashley's immediate understanding was a blow Shepard didn't know could hurt even worse after all this time. "No, this isn't – Ash, no one's duty should demand a life. I failed that mission, no matter what it said on my track record. Don't question that."

Ashley chanced a look at her, throat tight, and seemed to get hit over the head with something. "Wait, you can't blame yourself for this, right? 'Cause that'd be-"

Shepard scoffed. "Blame myself? Chief, not a day goes by I don't hear your last words ringing in my head before I can fall asleep." _You know it's the right choice, LT._ "That's gonna stay with me forever. But this – this feels like a good apology. Or a start to one."

"Skipper-" Ashley sounded speechless.

Shepard shook her head, unable to think of anything she could say, and Ashley closed her mouth. The gunnery chief stood and strode forward.

Standing right in front of her commander so she had no choice but to make eye contact, Ashley placed one hand on her shoulder, a warm look in her eyes. "We're good, Shepard."

Shepard sighed and nodded once, standing too and pulling her in for a hug. "Course."

They broke apart and the door opened. Kaidan came in, looking stormier and calmer at the same time. Antsy, Ashley's gaze jumped between the two of them. Shepard calculated he was going to last approximately five minutes maintaining the shaky control he was forcing onto his demeanor.

"We should take a small team into the facility, and leave the others behind for quick extraction if necessary. They should be ready if we request backup," he said, strictly business.

Shepard identified an immediate issue in his words. "We?"

"Oh, I'm going," Kaidan said instantly. "Don't even try it."

"So am I," Ashley jumped in.

Now the look on Kaidan's face resembled the one on Shepard's. A lot less than five minutes, then. "Ash-"

Shepard interrupted him because there was no point. "Fantastic. The two exact people I'd most vehemently like to keep off that planet. Particularly amazing that they've also turned out to be the two most stubborn marines I know."

They both turned to her, scandalized. " _Me_?!" they protested simultaneously, successfully distracted.

"Fine. Just fine. Well, Alenko, if you've got all this figured out, let's head out and get everyone caught up."

Kaidan worried his bottom lip and headed down to the cargo hold anyway. Ashley did too, but she looked as though she was questioning every decision she'd ever made, as well as thinking back to anything she might have taken that could cause hallucinations.

Shepard took a deep breath and followed.

"Fucking _Virmire_. _Fine_."


	10. rules have been rewritten

Virmire was the same beautiful omen of doom Shepard remembered, and their descent was untroubled. Kaidan was singing a different tune when they landed. Seeing the planet seemed to have drained him of resolve and hot-blooded instincts.

"I really didn't want to come back here ever again," he said disgruntledly. He kicked the ground in half-hearted disgust. "At least not when I can't wake up."

"Oh, good, I thought it was just me," Shepard replied, focusing on keeping her breathing steady and her thoughts well-directed.

Instantly, he was standing side-by-side with her, familiar warmth as comforting as she always knew it. "They're just irrelevant memories now, though. Shapeless nightmares, right?"

She changed the subject. "Did you talk to Ash, after-" She trailed off without finishing her sentence, but he seemed to understand.

"Yeah."

"Feeling any better?"

He hesitated. "No."

"Feeling any worse?"

"No."

She judged that good enough, and dropped it, noting the look on his face. Some things couldn't be fixed.

Just then, Ashley appeared from behind them. "You two alright?"

"Would be more alright if you stayed inside and didn't step foot on this goddamned planet, but I'll take what I can get."

"Glad you've come to terms with it, LT. Shall we, Skipper?"

Shepard sighed and briefly squeezed her in a half-hug out of impulse. "Let's." Her voice sounded like she was announcing their personal descent into hell itself.

Kirrahe had been of no help whatsoever. Shepard trusted the salarians' best and toughest to be good and thorough, and if he said he had found nothing, she believed him. The most useful thing to come out of that meeting was shaking his hand and potentially securing another of Liara's contacts, but Shepard didn't think that was quite the same as holding his line. The trust and respect in his eyes had been replaced by curiosity and reservation, but it was a start.

Still, the information they'd originally learned from Virmire wasn't without relevance, and Shepard needed as many reliable pillars to the story she was construing for the Council as possible. So off the three of them went, trailing familiar paths less littered with geth parts and blood.

Those weren't the only things missing, however. The labs had been stripped bare. Any hopes Wrex had that they'd acquire something genophage-related from this place were dashed. And there was no one there – no indoctrinated salarians, scientists, no test subjects, no geth. Soon enough, they abandoned all pretenses and put away their weapons, feeling like they were talking a leisurely walk through walls that had previously meant danger and fear.

"It's really empty," Kaidan muttered.

"That's what Kirrahe said," Shepard said reluctantly. "I'll admit I was hoping he was a little bit wrong, but – shit."

The three of them went still. Shepard had left this place for last deliberately – the den where the beacon had been lurking the first time around. Something in her mind whispered that whatever she might find, she'd find it here. It also whispered she didn't particularly want to find it, but that was the instinct she tended to ignore when dangerous things were afloat and she was the one tasked with fixing them.

Her convictions were now rewarded and supported by a soft but steady blood-red glow, unchanging as though patient and content to wait for her to come to it. Sovereign was clearly confident she would willingly walk into its gaze.

It wasn't wrong.

"How did the salarians miss this?" Ashley hissed.

"How did the galaxy miss the reapers for three years?" Kaidan retorted. "They're not stupid."

"Good point."

Shepard removed her gun out of its holster. "Go back now."

Kaidan had been expecting that. "Shepard," He warned, weapon already out too and not moving a millimeter.

" _Go back now_ , Lieutenant. That's an order. You too, Chief."

Shepard could see he was more than willing to ignore her, consequences be damned, but then he met her eyes and she could always break him. _Don't leave me behind._

"I'll be fine, _go_."

It was Ashley who finally dragged him away with pursed lips. She was only relatively more willing to listen to her commanding officer, but it was enough.

" _Why send them away?_ " Garrus said, disapproving.

" _Because she's stubborn and overzealous,_ " Tali replied before Shepard could. " _When it comes to anything but her own life, anyway._ "

" _It only wanted to talk last time, right?_ " Joker asked nervously. Shepard was reminded of their latest conversation as she hurried down into the abyss, and didn't reply. " _It's not like-_ "

"I'll be fine," she repeated.

" _You always fucking say that._ " Kaidan had turned his comm. on. Shepard entertained the idea of shutting hers off but assumed that would result in him immediately running back for her.

" _First Lieutenant!_ " Nihlus snapped. Great, he was listening too. He was always listening, apparently.

Everyone ignored him. " _See anything, Commander?_ "

"Is there anyone _not_ on this frequency?" she asked Ashley's voice.

" _I might leave if you're not gonna shoot your way out,_ " Wrex proposed.

She heard Kaidan groan through the static and then stopped paying attention to her earpiece.

She'd reached her destination. The red light was illuminating the not-quite-there figure of a little boy. The Sovereign hologram looked somehow useless in his shadow.

"Not you."

The star boy turned his attention to her. "Who else?"

Shepard breathed in deeply. Everyone in her ear had quieted. "Great."

"I have taken this form not because I currently identify significance in it, but because you will recognize it," he said, looking down at his hands unblinkingly. "I assume the familiarity is proving helpful?"

"That – really depends on what you're here to say."

The boy approached her. His expression was at once critical, curious and guarded. "You're Commander Shepard. I've been aware of you for quite some time."

Shepard froze, doing some fast thinking as several things connected all at once. There was no familiarity in _this_ Intelligence, no matter his outside appearance. This wasn't the boy in her head. This wasn't the Intelligence that had brought her memories she wasn't supposed to have. This wasn't an ally.

Shepard was rapidly realizing he was the whole threat.

"I'm not supposed to be here," he continued. "Normally, I wouldn't be. But I wanted to speak to you. And there's nothing normal about our current situation. I'm making use of the prothean beacon's platform." He examined _her_ then, as though taking note of her appearance.

She took a step back. "What happened here?"

"Do you mean Saren's base? Or what happened to you and me?"

Shepard wanted to move but felt trapped. The boy circled her and stood side-by-side with her, contemplating the red light as though he wanted to see it from her perspective. "You're – you know things you shouldn't yet too."

"Correct. That is why I had Saren evacuate this place before you arrived. I wanted to avoid waste."

"He – the other boy. He left you with these memories too?"

"Data," the boy corrected. "But yes, 'he' did. As much as it was its own separate intelligence. Although it would be more accurate to say I stole it before it was all deleted."

Something in her trance broke and she whirled around to face him. He was already observing her. "Stole – why? Why wouldn't he just hand them over?"

The boy shrugged. "I can only conclude he didn't think it was safe to do so."

A cold sweat trailed down Shepard's back. "Why not?" she asked slowly.

His gaze was steely as he stared at her. "Perhaps you can tell me."

"What?"

"I was able to retrieve very little. He did not linger, and it took me some time to process the unexpected entity I was suddenly sensing. What I did manage to recover was encrypted – and if it were anyone else attempting the decryption, it would have resulted in critical failure. But I am him and he was me." Like his counterpart, he didn't elaborate further and Shepard didn't have any urge to inquire about it.

"And?"

"And there was no sense to be made of the data," he continued. AI didn't get frustrated, but that's the feeling he was exuding, or so it seemed to her. "In practice, it was crystal clear, of course. What it meant, what it implied, however, does not."

The silence rang tense with his last word. "Why not?"

"It's like rules have been rewritten – I cannot find a way to link his input and output data through any sort of program. It is as though he wrote himself entirely new logical operations that I cannot replicate. I cannot think like him. And none of it makes sense. So the only conclusion is that, somehow, in activating the Crucible, you introduced a virus in all synthetic life, including me."

And _there_ , there it was. The trigger for every instinctive alarm ringing around her head. Shepard could see where this was going with terrifying clarity. His meaning was clear, skirting the line between warning and threat.

Unfortunately for him, it was also the idea she needed. The words she could and would fight against, and the reason she had a war ahead of her.

He'd looked away but she put herself back into his line of sight. It was probably a useless endeavor, but it was the symbolic impact on both her and him that she was looking for. "That's not true. That's insane. There's more to it. And you know it."

He knew exactly what she was trying to say. He'd clearly considered and discarded it already. "You imagine that there might be something you know and understand that I don't. That, I'm afraid, is impossible."

"And what do you mean by impossible?"

The boy seemed to be unwilling to answer. "The probability is so low that nothing has ever happened with the same likeliness."

"So – not a zero per cent chance?"

"You use absolutes when one of the fundamental differences between a computer and an AI, by your own understanding, is the ability to quantify and qualify relatives. This is unwise."

"Not zero?"

"No. Not zero."

"Then don't write me off so _absolutely_. I don't know if you know this, but one of the fundamental differences between a computer and an AI is the ability to quantify and qualify relatives."

"That is not _-_ "

Shepard interrupted his manufactured indignation. "You once said you believed this to be the final stage of evolution. What changed?"

The boy's whole body tightened. "You implemented it. And things changed that I had not expected. In myself no less. That much was clear from what I was able to discern of the data. An outcome this unpredictable can only mean I failed to consider relevant variables. Making an uninformed choice is a discouraged action."

"And what are you going to do about it?" she asked calmly, already knowing the answer.

His eyes were too cold for a child's. "I need more time to design a perfected solution. I was wrong about you. I must understand what I missed." The worst part was she knew he thought this was the more humane path. "The cycle continues."

Her heart skipped a few beats. She forced herself to focus. "If you stop me, you'll never understand."

"I am not organic. I am not limited by the interferences your bodies impose on your minds. Even now, fear makes your vision tunnel. You cannot understand the way I think-"

"I can _try_. You're not making an effort to understand _us_."

"I am a great many years older than you. I know more than you have storage to comprehend. Some things are not about you."

She gave up. "I've beat you before. I won't go down without a fight."

"I know. But you will lose it. This time, I won't be watching to see if you have what it takes to achieve synthesis. I have no purpose for it. I have no purpose for you."

He walked away and Shepard stayed behind, frozen in place. She couldn't muster the strength to even look at him, even though she supposed he wasn't really there and would probably disappear at will.

"Wait." She crossed her arms and turned one-eighty degrees. He held still. "What did you manage to recover from him?"

The boy gave her his idea of a smile. "That's not information you need to have."

"It was worth a try. You're just going to let me walk out of here?"

He shrugged. "Why not? It was preferable to salvage this base instead of taking the chance that it could bring you down this time around. The only reason I was still here waiting for you was reconnaissance. I've completed my objective and drawn my conclusions. You didn't activate the Crucible unaided. I was there. I'll be there again."

His parting words served as a gust of icy wind blasting the room and carrying him away. They hung like a threat, and somehow, she knew that wasn't the way he'd meant it. Too busy with preservation to notice the devastation – scales dangerously swinging with all the perspectives everyone kept picking and choosing.

The eerie red glow the beacon emitted disappeared and she turned to the exit automatically, following the light of day in a slight daze.

There always needed to be a focus point, a home base. Without an immutable center of mass, no one was ever going to help anything. Something needed to be true. Stories needed to be explained and understood. Everyone had something to say. If the Intelligence was this willing to dismiss her voice, she dreaded to imagine the end of this war.

" _Commander?_ "

"It's alright," she told Kaidan softly. "I'm on my way."

* * *

Back aboard the Normandy, and fleeing the planet as fast as Joker and EDI could, Shepard and her crew had strewn themselves around the chairs on the debrief room. Chakwas had joined them too, having taken notice of the trouble afoot.

"I had a feeling this was going too well," Joker commented, out of the cockpit for the occasion.

"Let's focus here. What's changed and what are the consequences? We need to establish that if we're going to deal with it," Nihlus posited rationally.

"For a start, this base? That was a blow they didn't suffer," Tali pointed out. Shepard was glad someone other than her had said it, and upset that someone other than her had noticed it. Not the greatest morale booster. "Last time, Shepard nuked everything in it."

Chakwas and Garrus exchanged a look. "Not necessarily a consequence yet."

Kaidan glanced between the two of them expectantly. "Care to elaborate?"

"You remember the mission for Okeer's dossier, Shepard?"

"Grunt's dossier, ultimately," EDI amended, standing scientifically still between Kaidan and Joker. "It wasn't unlike this situation, I believe."

"I remember krogan out of control," Garrus proceeded. "I remember Okeer creating destruction machines he had no hand over. I remember one of them in particular _helping_ us."

"You think the project will self-destruct?" Liara asked, eyes narrowed and calculating as she thought. Shepard leaned back in her chair in silence, allowing her crew to work it out for her. "Yes – that would make sense. They are ultimately dealing with living beings. Living krogan. It will-"

"It'll implode beautifully," Wrex interrupted enthusiastically. "Every time someone tries to make puppets of my people, they get _burned_ ," he crashed his fist into his palm for enhanced effect.

Shepard wasn't impressed. "That could happen. Or we could have to face an extra krogan army on top of everything else when things come to a head." She regretted her words instantly when the mood in the room visibly deflated. "But it's a chance," she retracted. "That's better than nothing and more than we usually have." How many times had she said something like that before? How many more until they stopped believing her?

"They're still krogan under everything," Kaidan said, supporting her. "They won't take that kind of thing lying down."

"And the indoctrination?" Nihlus questioned skeptically. "Surely – if they're so uncontrollable – they'll use the handy tool they already have as a solution?"

"The reapers don't indoctrinate run-of-the-mill warriors," Shepard said dubiously. "If they need it, they mutate entire species into mindless servants. Over time. The indoctrination, they tend to save for – high-profile targets."

"Like you?" the turian pressed.

Shepard shrugged disaffectedly, even as Kaidan glared. "If they've tried, they haven't succeeded."

"Otherwise she wouldn't have fought against them. Obviously." The lieutenant sounded excessively defensive on her behalf.

Nihlus was patently on some blatant crusade to test the two of them and Shepard wished Kaidan would stop readily indulging him.

"It's been a stressful day," she said firmly, cutting off any further unpleasantries. "Let's all take a few hours to work through it and rest, and tomorrow we'll talk about what's next." Next was Ilos, she told herself, but it could wait. And if it couldn't, well – the little boy had known too much for too long. One last night of rest wouldn't break them.

And she had calls to make, favors to collect. Toes to tread on, possibly. Or drop a sledgehammer on, more appropriately. Fortunately, she'd wrangled the right to a sledgehammer or two.

She wasn't allowing a single geth on the Citadel this time.

* * *

Shepard's bustling about was met with sincere understanding from the rest of the crew, who knew the signs of a stressed commander when they saw them. Everyone was at their stations, ready to report on the ship's conditions and performances. She could hardly be faulted for thinking she had the best complement in the Alliance on the Normandy.

Her friends went to the additional effort to try and cheer her up. Kaidan took one good look at her, when she found him arguing with Nihlus, and sighed, offering a half-hug. He knew she wouldn't appreciate anything but allowing her to focus on the mission, so he sent her on her way without a word.

Everyone else took to more misguided – but effective – techniques. Wrex had gone on a detailed spiel on his preferred killing tools, excluding weapons, and as far as Shepard knew, he was still nitpicking the benefits of close-range attacks compared to ranged ones to an empty audience. Liara and Garrus seemed to want to discuss their new information further, but couldn't seem to find the words, so she mostly avoided them.

Tali went for distraction. "You know," she said to her, later, as Shepard came up from engineering, having paid a visit to a pair of excitable scientists who couldn't seem to believe their luck. One of these days, she was going to have to figure out why serving on her ship was such a privilege, considering the indecent amount of insane and dangerous situations it regularly put the entire crew in. "You might consider a less conspicuous approach to your affections for Kaidan."

Shepard refrained from choking on thin air from sheer military force of will. "That's one way to phrase that," she muttered instead. "And this insight came out of…? Besides nowhere, I mean."

She ignored the question, apparently having a script in mind. "You're a great soldier and leader, but Shepard, for the life of you, you cannot be subtle about _boys_ of all things? Kryik is making playthings out of you."

"We haven't been obvious!" Shepard protested, letting herself get swept up by the obvious provocations.

"No, the middle of the armory is the most discreet place to have an accidental make-out session," Tali countered tonelessly.

"Did you ever end up discovering any holes in your suit or did Garrus' jaw leave it mostly intact?"

Tali giggled shamelessly. "Yeah, well, we still hid it better than the two of you."

"Is literally everyone on this ship hooking up?" Ashely grumbled from behind them. They whirled around to see a judgmental look in her face and her hands on her hips.

The derailment of the Virmire mission had overshadowed the fact that Ashley had officially survived at least a few extra hours beyond what she'd once lived. Still, the sight of her improved Shepard's disposition. That was obviously the goal Tali had had in mind at the start of the conversation.

The quarian in question shrugged. "Hey, the way I see it, Garrus and I aren't Alliance Lieutenant and Commander," she defended, smirking at Shepard.

Ashley's gaze shifted to her and she sighed. "If you two weren't so cute I might almost have a problem with it, Skipper," she told her sternly. "Just – keep it out of the field. Ma-am," she added hastily.

Shepard waved her off reassuringly. "Of course. And you don't have to be so formal, Chief, I won't court-martial you for telling me what you think. Might do it for the opposite, actually."

"Yes, Commander, ma-am," she agreed a little teasingly. "So does that mean I'm free to discuss the puppy eyes he makes anytime you pass by?"

Tali clapped her hands. "I'll bring the alcohol."

Ashley stared at her. "How do you even dr- Wait, is that an offensive question?"

Tali linked arms with Ashley and dragged her away. "Relax. I only bite if I'm asked to. And I have an emergency induction port."

"You have a _what_ now? And since when is vodka an emergency?"

"Since when is it not?"

Tali's newfound – at least for the current year - maturity was going a long way to making Ashley's alien misgivings smooth out easier than before, Shepard noted. Which was good, if it wasn't going to persuade her into drinking way more than she or either of them should.

"It's a straw, Ashley, nothing too alien," Shepard told her, grinning, when the woman in question looked at her in alarm. The smile came a little easier now.

"Emergency induction port," Tali repeated stubbornly.

So unconcerned, both of them and everyone else, uncomplicated faith in their commander that couldn't waver. They were going to be fine, Shepard promised herself. Everyone was.

And if not, they'd at least be very drunk.


	11. game of antecipation

"With all due respect, Anderson-"

"Never realized you thought I was due _respect_ , Udina."

"This is _not_ a joke, Captain. You're compromising too much on Shepard's word."

"Shepard's word has always been more than enough for me. I thought the piles of evidence she's been painstakingly sending your way would be enough for you."

"This is our chance. This is humanity's chance. If we falter now – one wrong move, and it will take decades to work back up to where we stand now. Do you want to be swept to the sidelines with the batarians after all you've done for this galaxy?!"

"I don't appreciate your tone, Ambassador. What I'm doing right now, I'm still doing for the galaxy. For humanity and every other race. Now, I'm going in there and I'm going to have a long, candid conversation with the Council. I'm going to explain to them everything Shepard's wasted blood and sweat to be able to tell me. I'm going to show them every piece of evidence she's unearthed, and provide all the information we've put together of what she's been investigating. That's what _I'm_ doing. What you do now is your decision."

"Anderson…"

"This threat is not idle. The clock is ticking. Pick your path. We're all on the line, not your prospects as the first human councilor. I refuse to put politics over this. I'm convincing them or shout myself hoarse trying."

"Convince them of what?"

"The reapers are coming."

* * *

The next morning began not with the briefing Shepard had hoped to have, but with the Council's indication that the Normandy was to head for the Citadel. They were gathering forces, they said. The information Shepard had pretended to glean from a cleverly hidden beacon on Virmire had been the tipping point, it seemed.

The next morning began, consequentially, with Shepard in a foul mood.

"We're not going to the Citadel," Shepard announced, to no one's surprise.

"We're going straight to Ilos, aren't we?" Nihlus said astutely. "I approve."

For once, his opinion wasn't the unpopular one. Wrex looked like a primed explosive, and Nihlus' coping mechanisms were as unhealthy as the next person on the Normandy. Liara looked more like a ruthless information broker than ever, face stony as she held two datapads – she'd spent the morning being followed around by a VI carrying six more. Shepard had woken up that morning to Garrus viciously doing weapon maintenance down in the armory. Tali had been keeping him company and Ashley had been testing anything he put down. Shepard was never _not_ the first one up.

Joker and EDI looked cheerful, evidently invigorated by the adrenaline of a final push, focused by their clear and defined roles. The debrief room was full of nervous energy, but none of it derived from lack of confidence, for which Shepard was grateful. She needed a good win – no compromise, no sacrifice, no hiccups or tears. Saren needed a clean end, and she needed him far away from the Citadel.

She leaned forward, elbows on the table and chin on her knuckles. She contemplated her friends, distributed around her in an asymmetrical circle, as though waiting for orders – determined, yes, but perceptibly bone-tired. Shepard also needed everyone on the same page.

"We're on our way already," Joker said, amused. "ETA two hours."

"This is gonna look bad. The Council won't be happy," Ashley warned.

"They're never happy, not unless they need her," Kaidan grumbled. "Bunch of self-righteous useless shits who give more of a damn about their political machinations than the lives they're in charge of. Treating Shepard like a shelved tool. Screw 'em. Who cares."

There was a short silence for everyone to process Kaidan's outburst, while looking at Shepard as she studiously ignored them all in favor of coffee, and then Nihlus made a cheerful noise of agreement, so the status quo was restored in the least conventional way possible.

"We care. We're trying to make the Council amenable to our claims, remember?" Liara argued. "This won't help. Neither will nihilistic, cynical theatrics."

"Have they seemed particularly amenable in your latest debriefings, Shepard?" Garrus' tone was derisive.

"Super. Tevos even let me mention the reapers a whopping total of three times, earlier."

Kaidan and Garrus laughed – Ashley seemed more concerned than amused. "We need the Council on our side, Shepard, otherwise we're going to end up with _Cerberus_ as our only ally."

Kaidan was now on Ashley's side. "She's right."

"We all know she's right." Wrex shrugged. "Doesn't change the situation."

"Let's focus," Shepard requested. "There's a much more present issue – I'm not letting Saren trash the Citadel and kill hundreds of civilians."

"Then you need to convince the Council to lock up and arm up. Last time the Alliance kicked the geth's ass, but we took heavy damage too," Joker said.

"So if the Alliance and, for instance, the turian or quarian fleet are at the Citadel before Sovereign makes his move-"

"We avoid a great deal of loss, for everyone," Liara finished. "C-SEC just needs to be reinforced."

"And how are we going to convince the quarians, or the turians, and the Council?" Ashley asked. "Because that doesn't sound like the easy part of this plan."

"That," Tali piped up smugly, "is where I come in. I've spoken to my father several times about this reaper threat no one is taking seriously. With- the right amount of distress. He'll have the admiralty board appropriately alarmed at this point," she promised. "It doesn't matter what I call it – they hear 'geth attack' and they pay attention. Whether or not they'll act, I don't know." _Yes, you do_ , Shepard thought. "I'll give him one final push today, and we'll see what happens."

"Plus, your father's no fool, is he?" Nihlus said in the instant silence, slowly and calculatingly, because he wasn't so easily distracted by red herrings. "If the humans and the quarians outright save the Citadel and the Council – such a show of courage and service to the galaxy from two resourceful species without seats – well. That'll really be something, won't it? According to Shepard, the humans got a councilor out of it."

Tali feigned indifference to his words, looking down at her hidden nails. "I'm sure I don't know what my father's reasoning is. The rest of the admiralty board, however, looks at it this way – either the threat is so major that they'll be sung heroes, or it's so minor that they've got nothing to lose. Someone even floated the idea that Council support might make the task of retaking our homeworld trivial. I have confidence my advice and counsel did not fall on deaf ears."

Nihlus was smirking. "You're no fool either, I see. Your father's isn't the only ear you've been whispering into, is it?"

"If you want something done right…" she sing-songed, primly crossing her legs.

The turian Spectre glanced toward Shepard's unrevealing expression. "You haven't left much to chance."

"If I had, I'd be a bigger tool than the Council thinks I am."

"I'm starting to think you and all this unlikely talent you keep accidentally stumbling into in no man's land are going unappreciated by the rest of the galaxy."

Kaidan scratched his chin dramatically with the sole purpose of promoting sarcasm. "Never thought of it that way." Nihlus' jaw twitched in an unmistakable smile, and Shepard wasn't sure she wanted to dissect the unprecedent camaraderie between the two men.

"Okay, children, let's leave the embittered gloating for later, shall we? When and if it's earned, if possible. The point is the quarian fleet should be willing."

"And the Alliance?" Liara pressed.

"I don't wanna brag, but I'm kind of popular around those folks," Shepard said drily, and Ashley snorted. "Or at least they owe me one too many favors at this point. I've got Mikhailovich, Kahoku, Anderson and Hackett listening and set. _They_ take me seriously, at least. This time, we won't get caught by surprise. The navy is organized and prepared."

"Will it be enough?"

Everyone turned to her at Garrus' soft-spoken question, and she straightened. She knew the drill by now.

"I don't know," she replied honestly. She stood, drawing out her words and thought process. "I won't lie. We did all we could, but all we could might not be enough. We've been through this before and we therefore have privileged information – but so does the enemy. I don't know how much, I don't know how they've prepared accordingly, just that they likely did." She determinedly pored over each despondent face strewn around the table. " _But_ – whatever advantage they have, we certainly do as well. However they've prepared, we did too. And without any of it, we _beat_ them before. All we have to do is beat them again, break less sweat while we're at it this time. We've always met them step for step, and in the end came out on top. We couldn't be more ready. It's a game of anticipation – and they've been waiting for fifty thousand years to make their move. We'll make it first. We _got_ this."

Wrex cheered. "I like the punch-first-and-ask-no-questions approach."

Mood improved, she sat back down. "So – the plan is we turn the Citadel into a spiky fortress in which the spikes are the human and quarian ships. Then we wait."

"They need to close the arms. I'm doubtful that it will work against Sovereign's override of the station, but it will be a delay, at least," EDI advised. "They are on alert, but not expecting Sovereign."

"Anderson's gonna play the precaution card, 'cause of the civilians," Ashley assumed, eyeing Shepard. "It's what you'd do."

"Hopefully Udina and the Council are on board. I've put a lot of work in fear-mongering them into action."

"I'm hearing a lot about what everyone else is doing, but what are _we_ going to be doing?" Wrex demanded. "What's on Ilos?"

"Saren," Nihlus replied quietly.

"We're doing one of two things – chasing or beating him there. And frying the reapers' control over the Citadel while we're at it. Just like last time." Shepard stood up again, and everyone else followed her lead.

"We've got a plan."

"We do. Let's put it in motion. Dismissed."

Predictably, everyone listened but Kaidan. Thankfully, that's what she'd wanted him to do.

"C'mere," he said softly, offering a hand. She dropped the confident facade out of necessity and complied. "You think we'll be expected?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "Feros and Noveria went – exactly as before. Does that mean they didn't care and prepared for Ilos, or that they didn't think we would find it, like last time?"

"You don't know if what happened on Ilos is still a card we're holding."

"I'm hoping it is, I guess. It'd be a stroke of luck."

"You said – well, he clearly didn't know everything," Kaidan prodded carefully. "Maybe it's not such a stretch to hope."

Shepard was not convinced or reassured. She made her best attempt at not showing it. "He knew quite a bit."

He straightened, tugging at the hand he was still holding. "Come with me. I've got two hours with you all to myself, and I'm keeping them."

She followed him to her quarters, but wasn't fooled. "I'm fine, Kaidan."

"I'd never accuse you of anything less."

"So we're done here."

"No, of course not. Whether or not I'd accuse you of it has very little to do with whether or not it's true."

"Sounds like an accusation."

"Only if you were looking for one."

She sighed and dropped onto the bed. "I really am fine, you know. I get where you're coming from, but – this isn't any different than any other priority mission. The only thing is we're better prepared."

He considered her carefully, crossing his arms while leaning against her desk. "Okay." She gave him a moment for him to add what he was clearly hesitating to. "You're not still doing that thing where you play the part of the assured leader so that no one else has to, right?"

"If I were, I wouldn't let you know any of the misgivings I have. Like I just did."

Her blunt honesty seemed to be the only thing to finally appease him. "That's more reassuring than you faking confidence, you know."

"Only for you, I'll bet." She was only a little amused.

He grinned back. "This is all going to work out." His voice sounded strangely like a vow. "We'll be alright. You'll be alright."

"Thank you," she murmured back, and he sat next to her.

"We could- Let me talk for a bit. I've got all these fantasies," he said carefully, as though he was admitting something hitherto kept secret. "About life after this. When the galaxy stops resembling a ticking time bomb. Obviously this is just the beginning, with Sovereign, but…"

"Sounds like it's your turn to share."

He seemed to deliberate for a moment. "Alright."

For one hour, he painted picture after picture of ridiculous and wistful moments of someone else's life. Someone, she concluded, that he was tentatively trying to become. If ever there was something worth fighting for, that was unquestionably the worthiest.

She was depicted in his pretty watercolors too. Usually right in the heart of the scene, which was predictable in a not-at-all negative way. Strangely enough, though, she appeared immutable. He didn't put any expectations or desires on what kind of role she could play – she was as she was, always, a woman he was in love with.

This was why she always wanted him to stick around. She barely seemed to need explaining to him, and somehow he kept understanding everything people always got wrong. It was a dangerous allure, to be so easily seen, but she'd long ago decided to chase it wherever it led.

* * *

"So?"

"They're willing to put caution first. Everything else, they're withholding judgement until after this, once they get a chance to speak to Shepard first."

"And Shepard?"

"She's not making a stop here, that's for sure. Didn't think she would. I expect she's on Saren's tail."

"Of course she is." A pause. "I've thought about what you said earlier."

"Oh?"

"About not putting politics above threats. You're forgetting wars are fought with alliances."

"That's what she's for."

"Yes, she really does seem to be making the Council happy, ignoring their direct orders and all."

"There are things more important-"

"Anderson, you want me playing politics so she doesn't have to. The bare minimum of that effort is not antagonizing the Council."

"You think they'll ignore what's right under their noses if we're not likeable enough?"

"Mock all you like – people have a way of seeing what they want to see no matter the circumstances. Perhaps particularly due to the circumstances. Who would want to believe we're on the path to extinction if someone else readily offers a different, less frightening explanation?"

"We need them on our side."

"Precisely."

"Maybe you have a point, Udina. But the fact is, Shepard said the Citadel was in danger, today. Everything else needs to come after."

"Suit yourself, Captain. Don't say I didn't warn you."

* * *

"And like, four dogs. The big ones, my parents have a German Shepherd in Vancouver."

"Hmm." Shepard's half-smile was approaching dopey status dangerously quickly, but she'd been lulled into a false sense of wonder.

"You aren't listening to a single word, are you?"

"Oh, I am. One dog, at most, and it's going to be a Retriever."

He cracked up. "No, you? A cute dog? I'd figure you'd want the biggest, meanest one possible. What's this out-of-character mushiness about?"

"Do you not observe the way I behave around you?"

The response delighted him. "I do, but that's hilarious."

She hit his stomach and stood up, which he actively fought against by snatching her by the hand. "You do realize there's this whole galaxy-hangs-in-the-balance-mission we're supposed to be focusing on?"

"You're supposed to relax a little before you go charging into the wolves' lair right now."

She gave his hand a squeeze and he let go in defeat. "I am. You're good at this."

That was his cue to drop it. He stood up too. "I don't know what you're planning, by the way, but I'm definitely going to be on the Ilos landing squad."

"And here I thought I was the commanding officer on this ship."

"You are, you just rightly heed really good advice when it's given to you."

She arched an eyebrow at the ease with which he was defying her. "You know Nihlus is going to be making the same demand?"

"Sounds like a complete team right there."

She rolled her eyes and walked out of the room, sensing him trailing her anyway. "Grab your gear, then. We're leaving soon."

"We are, are we?"

Nihlus could be so predictable that even his detached presence showing up out of nowhere (due, naturally, to a shoddy attempt at eavesdropping) was becoming routine. "Yeah, you go too. I know you want to come with. Save your energy, I'm not going to argue."

"I'd perhaps like to argue about something else."

Kaidan nodded perfunctorily. "Of course you would. Good luck with that, Shepard," he stated, possibly in a cruel display of satire, and then vanished.

She turned to the turian with a scowl. "Please, by all means. I always love our discussions," she deadpanned.

He didn't care. "Today I noticed that your Gunnery Chief Williams is religious," Nihlus began noncommittally.

Shepard switched on damage control mode amid an immediate internal outpouring of profanity. "Yes? Is this a problem?" She resisted the urge to say he would know about Ashley's faith if he bothered to interact with more members of her crew more regularly.

"No. Unless she prays for lightning instead of using her gun while I'm within firing range of some geth or something."

"Why can't you just be quiet sometimes? Why can't you just leave things alone? _Why_?"

He shrugged, and she hated that she could tell he wanted to laugh. "I have this tendency to always want to point at stupid things when I see them."

"I have this tendency to want to ignore them, but that's currently at odds with my urge to snark. If you catch my drift. So my compromise is to tell you to leave Ashley to her religion and me to my peace."

He ignored her thoroughly. "I am making an effort to understand your viewpoint on certain things. That involves asking questions you may see as inappropriate."

She opened her mouth then closed it again. "Inappropriate is the wrong word. But fine. Go on."

He leaned against the wall on the bridge. In the distance, Joker said their ETA was half an hour, which wasn't a terribly long time for essay arguments on theology. Not that she seemed to have a lot of choice. She listened anyway.

"Religious humans believe a Messiah came to save them from themselves, someone with impeccable principles whose actions were almost - or totally, depending on your level of delusion - supernatural. Is this correct?"

"You know, that's not really what religion is about. The point is that it's a bunch of moral guidelines for people to follow. A good way to see the world, I think," she said pointedly.

"Speaks to poor character, doesn't it, needing a justification for your values?"

"No, it's a way to elaborate on them. Do turians not have religion?" she asked exasperatedly.

"What does that matter?"

"Trying to establish a cultural connection."

"Stupid is stupid no matter where in the galaxy you come from."

"What do you have against people's beliefs? _God_." She was only partially trying to be provocative.

"Funny. I always take issue with idiotic beliefs. For instance, I think Saren's a moron because he thinks submitting to the reapers is his way to survival."

"The important difference there is how harmful the belief is."

"A difference, is it? You know, on this physical realm, facts might disagree with you. Shall I teach you some of your own human history?"

Shepard rolled her eyes. "It's not harming anyone _now_. Better?"

"Are _you_ religious, Shepard?"

"No." But that didn't seem quite right. "I don't know."

"Oh?"

"Did you not hear my story? About some omniscient superpower creating the reapers as a solution to a problem?"

Nihlus seemed scandalized. "A super-evolved civilization _playing_ god. Not an _actual_ god."

She shrugged. "Is there a difference?"

He narrowed his eyes. "There's certainly a difference to me. If that's your definition of religion, we're discussing two different things."

"I don't think we are."

"You're missing the point."

"No, you are. My point is that everyone's pictures of the universe vary. Some of us call it one thing, others call it something else. What's it matter? If Ashley has a more romantic view of life and existence, why is that stupid or less valid than, for instance, choosing to look solely at cold, hard math?"

"Because math is proven."

"Math is how some people understand the universe. It's man-made, just like religion."

"It follows _rules_. Observed, analytical laws."

"Yeah, so? I'm sure Ashley believes the same out of her God's motivations. And at any rate, one doesn't preclude the other."

"You either pick logic or fantasy."

"No, you don't. Let it be," she ordered firmly, unwilling to contend the point further. "I understand your point of view, and I understand Ashley's. It's not as much of a conflict as you think."

He went quiet for a few seconds. "Maybe I just want to understand where it comes from. Maybe I wish I could see it- differently too."

Ah. "Funny how that works. Put yourself in the middle of people's problems often enough, and all of a sudden you're standing in the front lines of a war you didn't even know was happening. Weird things come to mind then."

He was unfazed. "So you understand."

Sure she did. This wasn't the first one. How many times had she found herself on her way to a suicide mission out of pure principle, thinking about how life rushed by but death stalled in anticipation, wondering about religion and meanings and reasons?

Enough times for a sense of renewed kinship to make her push off the wall and pace slowly, eyeing him in empathy.

"I wish I knew what to tell you. Truth is, no one _can_ tell you anything. You always have to work it out for yourself. Whether you want recognition, a story, value, a medal, twenty, otherworldly brownie points, or just a personal reason to do this, that's all stuff you get for yourself. I can help show you what I think, why I'm here, or why others would want you to do it – I can't make you aim a weapon and pull the trigger. Ashley prays and it reminds her what her morals are, gives her a place in this universe. Why she's here. I see how things change by my hand and I decide there are things worth fighting to change. Here we all are, pointing guns at the same target, and we arrived by paths millions of lightyears away from each other." She stopped in front of him. "Your spirituality is what you decide it is. If you're looking, you've already decided you have a reason to do this. Maybe that's all it needs to be."

"Good," he replied forcefully, a determined glint in his eye. He didn't elaborate and she didn't ask him to. "Thanks, Shepard. I'm ready," he said, more earnest and candid than she'd ever heard him.

"Let's take him down."

He nodded once and disappeared without comment, presumably in the direction of his locker.

Shepard took a moment to clear her head and headed directly toward the cockpit. Joker barely glanced back. "We're two minutes out and you need to get to the Mako. Can't see geth dropships anywhere."

"Stealth systems will be engaged regardless," EDI added.

"Guess you'll find out what kind of fun you'll be having once you're on the ground." Joker said it rather casually, almost cheerfully, a demeanor she wouldn't admit to relating to, if only in her most reckless moments.

"You should hurry, Shepard."

"Going. Here goes nothing," she muttered, and left after Nihlus.

* * *

"We're all sure this isn't a mistake, yes?"

"Tali'Zorah is patently a voice worth listening to. _I'm_ certainly sure."

"Yes, you would be. She seems – strangely sympathetic to your views on the geth, does she not, Zaal?"

"Perhaps you'd refrain from so openly questioning my daughter's motivations, at least in my presence, Xen? Those accusations are rather uncouth."

"Uncouth, he says. You've forgotten how to deal with her, Rael. Shut up, Xen, and bloody well leave the kid alone. You're crossing a line. We're doing this, you were overruled."

"Quite so."

"Would you all get a hold of yourselves? We're about to ask our people to follow us into the biggest battle they've seen in years, and you're bickering like schoolchildren. For shame."

"You're right, of course, Daro. My apologies. Keelah se'lai – my brothers and sisters, may we walk away from the fight with ammo in our weapons and none in our armors."

"And let's shoot up some geth full of lead."

"Keelah se'lai."

* * *

A blur of movement and aggressive jostling later, and Shepard was speeding along a vaguely familiar and extremely foreign road – with an important difference. The ancient door did not slam on her face before she managed to skid the car beyond it. In fact, the need for skidding was non-existent, as Nihlus readily pointed out after she'd already done it, because Saren had clearly not arrived yet.

"So we wait."

"For once."

"This is a good thing. We have time to make this a fight on our turf."

"If they don't know about what originally happened on Ilos already, that is."

Liara had been initially aggravated at being left out of this mission, but Kaidan had taken her aside and by the time Shepard had tightened her boots, she'd been complacent and almost cheerful. If it didn't affect her, Shepard wasn't opposed to not asking questions, ever.

Besides, no one would have been quite as aggravated at not coming as the two men tensely looking around the prothean facility now.

"So, do we get to Vigil and the Conduit first, lock it behind us and let Saren overrun this place, or do we wait around for him?" Kaidan was eyeing all the priceless archeological wealth that Liara would probably have their heads for abandoning to the geth.

"No." Nihlus sounded menacing.

"We're here for him," Shepard elaborated. "He's not getting away. And afterwards, we head for the Citadel."

"Sovereign's not surviving the Normandy and human and quarian fleets put together," Kaidan said convincingly.

"I wanna see to it that it doesn't. And that not one geth gets near civilians, or the council."

Nihlus rolled his shoulders, and headed back to the Mako. "Let's get to this Vigil, then. How many dropships do you remember?"

"Enough that we've a fight on our hands. Even with the Normandy and her upgrades."

Kaidan chewed on some thought before spitting it out. "You think the geth will retreat once Saren's dead?"

Nihlus looked at her for the answer, and she kicked the car into gear. "I think they'll go back to Sovereign."

"The bulk of the fight is on the fleets, then."

Shepard sped up in the silence, quickly catching sight of the bright orange barrier in their way. Nihlus spent the whole path transfixed on the prothean pods on the walls, which Shepard tried to avoid looking at. She could tell a bunch of new questions were occurring to him, but he read the somber mood from Kaidan and Shepard's expressions and remained silent.

Of course, it certainly didn't stop him from downright interrogating Vigil, which couldn't be helped. Shepard's story was what it was – a story told from the safety and comfort of a top-of-the-line spaceship, but he was walking over the decaying bones of a civilization fifty-thousand years extinct.

There were some things that afforded glimpses into terrifying realities, and very little could break through the feelings engendered. Shepard didn't try, just let him ask questions and process the answers. She remembered going through it herself.

Vigil had questions of his own, of course. Saren hadn't yet stepped foot on this planet and, unlike last time, the ancient VI was not caught up on the current situation. Learning, however, resulted in much the same outcome – Shepard was handed the file and told to hurry and lock the Conduit behind her.

" _You must go to the Citadel at once._ _There's no time to waste._ "

Shepard shook her head. "I will. But I'll greet Saren here first. This is as far as he goes."

" _You hang the fate of your species – of species to come after you – on revenge._ " Vigil seemed disapproving.

"Tying up loose ends," Nihlus corrected in a dangerous tone.

Vigil remained silent for a few more seconds. " _Very well. Let the chips fall where they may. A charming expression. This is the beginning to the end, Shepard. Be sure it is the one you envision._ " He blinked out. Shepard suspected it wouldn't activate again, even if Saren showed up.

" _Commander, dropships incoming!_ " Joker's voice sounded the alarm. " _Be ready. It's starting._ "

Shepard unstrapped her pistol while Kaidan and Nihlus followed her out back to the Mako, now free of the barrier's confines. "You see Saren, warn me. Don't take any risks – the minute I've got him in my sights and you can get away, head straight for the Citadel. The dropships should leave us alone when he's dead."

" _Understood. Watch your back._ "

Kaidan hummed as they climbed into the car. "We're working on half luck and half skill. Mostly your luck and mostly your skill," he joked, glancing at her.

"Good thing I've got plenty of at least one of those."

"Yeah, but which one?" Nihlus asked, and she must have imagined the smile in his voice. She sped up, backtracking almost all the way to the original landing zone, and caught the attention of the first geth of the day.

"Maybe one day we'll all find out," she replied with a grin, and screeched the Mako to a stop before the first shot even sounded. Kaidan blew one of the hostiles apart in a bright blue explosion as soon as they got out. "But not today."

* * *

" _This is Hackett. Who's got eyes on whatever's approaching from starboard?"_

" _Negative."_

" _Negative."_

" _It looks like-!"_

" _Admiral Xen here. That is a geth dropship. Obviously."_

" _More than one."_

" _As we expected, then."_

" _We weren't the ones expecting it. We have others to thank for that."_

" _I'm guessing we're about to lose the comms. Stand by and confirm position. We're in place."_

" _Ready."_

" _Confirmed."_

" _Ready."_

" _We're in place."_

" _Be prepared. Won't be long now."_


	12. the good of the people

One last shot and a lone geth soldier – what was left of the horde – lost its arm, its weapon skidding away from the rest of the short-circuiting body. Kaidan turned blue for a second and put it out of its misery, clearing the room while the dust settled. Shepard and Nihlus left cover, and she switched her sniper rifle to the pistol again.

There were more coming, she knew, because the Normandy had only managed to take out one of the dropships before Joker warned her Saren had disembarked and was making his way after the geth. She was making her way through them instead, unsure whether he knew who was systematically destroying his small army.

Regardless, there was only one more place he could be. They'd cleared whatever was still accessible of the abandoned facility, and now she would almost certainly find him in the security room where she'd once had to open the main door for the Mako, a couple of lifetimes ago. Kaidan and Nihlus flanked her strategically and she turned the final corner.

"Saren."

He whirled around so fast, her first instinct was to aim her weapon out of primal fear. " _No_. You were supposed to go to the Citadel."

A rush of satisfaction filled her immediately. For once, _for once_ , she would be the one holding all the cards, and the one playing the trump. "What's wrong? Did your friend not know I could – and would - find you here?"

He tensed and Nihlus immediately trained his gun on his forehead. The small red dot signaling his target was steady, not wavering a millimeter, and Saren's eyes shifted to him. "My friend?" he said calmly, speaking to Shepard but looking at the other turian Spectre. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"It's good that there's still a lot you don't know," Nihlus mocked.

Saren smoothed out his expression so quickly and comprehensively that it looked artificial. "You cut a path through the geth, but you can't think you killed all of them. Why linger? You have me at your mercy. For a few more minutes, anyway." He took a small step to the side and Kaidan immediately lit up the biotic powers he should really be resting instead. It at least gave Saren pause, so Shepard supposed it was as good a warning as anything.

But he resumed pacing soon enough, and Nihlus' aim remained true, the dangerous little red light following his movements with ballerina-like precision.

Shepard had still not answered his question. "Well?"

"I have a few questions," she replied evasively.

"Truly?" He leaned against a wall, the picture of relaxation. "Me too. I heard you stopped by Virmire after I'd left. A shame you were too late, really wished we could have talked. There's a chance now, I suppose. We could trade answers," he said, smiling. A sneaking suspicion bloomed in her, but she kept quiet for the time being.

"If those you're slaving away for don't think you worth answering to, why do you think Shepard does?" Nihlus was smiling too, and somehow less benignly.

Saren's face tightened as much as a turian's face could. "I still don't know what you're talking about."

"But you do," Shepard interjected. "And doesn't it bother you that I know so much and the reapers have been telling you so very, very little?"

Saren stiffened. Her suspicions were confirmed. After all, a reaper agent who didn't know she'd discussed their very classified plans with the big boss? Someone was being kept in the dark. And she was willing to bet it wasn't Sovereign. "Oh?" he said calmly, the last word of someone who could think of nothing else to say.

She nodded, confidence growing tentatively at feeling the information on her side, lending weight to her plate of the scales from the ardent curiosity in her enemy's eyes. She had his full attention and he wasn't making a move while that was true.

She looked away from him and wandered around lazily, testing out the dynamics of their situation. He was overnumbered, clearly working with considerably less knowledge, and needed to get through her to reach his objective. Which he didn't necessarily want to do so fast, currently. Unfortunately, he was still every bit the indoctrinated reaper agent, and she didn't like her chances if it came to their will versus his.

But she could try.

"I know why you abandoned Virmire," she revealed. He didn't react in any particular way. She turned to him, catching his eye. "But do you?"

"Would I leave that base for no reason?" he deflected, letting a suspicious touch of defensiveness slip through.

She shook her head. "No, you left it because you were ordered to. But where did that order come from?"

He gave up. "You tell me."

She grinned. "Ah, Arterius. This is all you – you're doing it to safeguard yourself, because we don't stand a chance against the reapers and you're just salvaging what you can of this galaxy. Your decision, your logic, your mind, unaffected by anyone. Right?"

Saren was gapping at her. "You- no. You can't possibly know all this."

"But I do. And let me tell you something; for a guy with all the information he could have to make the correct, informed decision, you sure do seem to be out of a whole lotta loops."

His face contorted – in pain or anger, she couldn't tell. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"Looks like Shepard knows much more than you do." Nihlus was enjoying himself, some vicious streak of his getting off on torturing the source of his own recent tortured thoughts.

The pain, though – it meant at least a small part of Saren was rebelling against the reapers' control. It meant there was at least a small chance. Not for him – it was too late for him – but a chance for closure all around. Maybe a fight they could avoid. After all, Sovereign was far away, at the Citadel, waiting for Saren. She didn't know how far its reach could go, or how fast it could get to Ilos, but she was willing to work with what she was given.

"The facility on Virmire. Where you were studying indoctrination," she said slowly, watching him wince and frown at yet more information she wasn't supposed to know. "You're no fool, Saren. Misguided, sure. Wrong, definitely. But not a fool. You knew. You _know_."

"You're wrong too," he said quickly before she had a chance to say what they were both thinking aloud. "Whatever you think you know about-"

"You're indoctrinated. And there's no way around it."

He inhaled and seemed to physically inflate. "No. You don't understand what I'm doing, why I'm doing it. You can't see."

"You're right that I don't understand. But I know what you're doing. And why. And you're still wrong."

"You're playing right into their hands," Kaidan spoke up, voice subdued like he wasn't sure whether it was his place. Saren glanced at him as though he'd just now realized he was there. "Think about it this way – if there was nothing wrong, would it worry you this much?"

"If I were being brainwashed, wouldn't they keep that worry out of my head?" he retorted, providing the clearest proof yet that this was something he'd thought long and hard about.

"Except you're consistently convincing yourself there's no indoctrination," Nihlus said in disgust. "You're fighting the idea. Under their influence. What a disgrace."

Shepard drew his attention back to her. "Listen to yourself. You think you'll change their minds. After so long, after so many cycles, you'll be the one to convince them it's the wrong way to go. But why would they? What possible indication do you have that they're deviating from the original goal? All you've done so far is their bidding, willingly. You've changed nothing _._ "

Saren turned away from them abruptly and clenched a fist. "And if what you're saying is true?"

"It _is_ true-"

"So we have no chance. Our time is coming to an end and civilization as we know it is doomed."

"I did _not_ say that."

He turned back to her. His expression was back to serenity. "Oh? Then what _are_ you saying?"

"That you're helping the reapers, not organics. That I'm going to see to it that this is _not_ the end."

"That," he said, and she knew she was losing him. "is what _I'm_ doing."

"No, it isn't."

"We can't stop them."

"Yes, she can," Kaidan said, something in his voice turning what at first glance was an opinion into fact. "And if it takes her life, she will. She hasn't given up before she's even started."

"You're delusional."

"Says the indoctrinated man," Nihlus countered.

There was a flash of something vulnerable in Saren's expression before he started pacing again.

"Everything I've done, it wasn't to help the reapers. We won't survive them. Our only hope is that they see us as a civilization worth saving. I have done _nothing_ but work for this galaxy's benefit. I'm trying to _save us_ , and if that's what you're working for as well, you should be joining me instead of training your guns on my head."

The look on his face, of a man who'd just made a passionate speech on his deepest beliefs, was the look of someone Shepard had little hope of convincing.

"You would have murdered me."

But Shepard wasn't there alone.

Nihlus took a step forward, even putting his weapon away. Saren had frozen in place. "You would have shot me in the back of the head, pretending to be my friend, if not for Shepard. Tell me, Saren, look me in the eye and explain to me how that is something a good man, trying only to do right by the people in this galaxy, would do."

Saren had screwed his eyes shut and turned his head firmly down, which was answer enough. "We can't stop them," he said in the smallest voice possible.

"That's not true."

He looked up at her. "Maybe. But I can't help you. I can't help anyone. Not even myself."

"There's one thing you can still do."

Saren looked at his hand, where a gun was still loosely held. "I-" He shut his mouth and looked at Nihlus. "I'm sorry." He looked back at her. "I hope you're right, Shepard. Maybe this isn't for nothing."

He shot himself the way he had, last time. Nihlus exhaled heavily, and approached his body slowly. His face was unreadable but the pistol was back in his hand.

Kaidan and Shepard hung back, and when the turian shot him again, she turned away and left the room, hearing one set of footsteps behind her.

"Think he needs a word?"

"Later," she murmured. She glanced at Kaidan's worried frown and sighed. "Let's just give him a moment."

"Yeah," he muttered. Hesitating, he shot one last furtive look in the general direction of the two turians, but kept pace with her, climbing into the Mako as she did. "Saren didn't have the weird implants, the ones the reapers gave him last time," he said, changing the subject.

"He didn't," she agreed. "I think it might have had something to do with what I said to him back on Virmire. Messed with him, the reapers might have noticed. I never met him there, this time around."

"Huh." Their eyes met. "Are you alright?"

She shook her head. "I'll be fine as soon as we get to the Citadel and make sure Sovereign's dead. And hopefully not on top of the presidium, this time around."

"I hope Anderson's got it under control," Kaidan muttered.

"We'll find out, won't we?" Nihlus seemed unconcerned, appearing out of nowhere to quickly climb into the Mako. "We have no time to waste. Let's go."

No one made any comment regarding Saren, and Shepard supposed she'd find out later how bad an omen that was. "Joker should be well on his way," she said instead, and silence elapsed once more as she sped up back toward the Conduit. "We'll meet him there."

* * *

The presidium was empty as far as Shepard could see from where the Mako crash-landed. Avina was a few feet away, blabbering away in the high-pitched, overly friendly voice of hers.

"No geth," Nihlus noted.

"But no civilians either," Kaidan pointed out.

"The arms are closed, though," Shepard added, pleased. "Nice work, Anderson."

They crossed the distance between the Mako and the VI quickly and cautiously, weapons in hand. So far, it seemed for naught – the presidium was quiet but intact, and if this hadn't been before the advent of the collectors, Shepard would have been getting nervous.

" _All individuals without explicit orders to be in the Presidium are advised this area is on lockdown until further notice, and are compelled to evacuate to the Wards immediately in an orderly fashion. C-SEC officers are on sight in each exit to further assist-_ "

Shepard hardly needed to listen to anything else. "You've got to be kidding. The Wards are the least defensible areas on this station," Shepard snapped through gritted teeth. Her squad exchanged a look. "Who gave the order?"

Avina paused her spiel. " _The lockdown was installed by the Council under advisement of an undisclosed threat to the station."_

"Undisclosed threat?" Kaidan echoed. "So there aren't any hostiles inside yet?"

" _I am not aware of any current reports of unrest._ "

Shepard fiddled with her omnitool until she ascertained there was no way to reach Joker. "The geth aren't inside, but they sure as hell are here. I don't know how many dropships are outside, but I can't reach Joker."

"They'll hold. They've got the Citadel, human and quarian fleets between the Citadel and Sovereign. If it gets through them, they'll make it work for it."

"It won't get through," Kaidan insisted sharply. "Didn't survive us the first time, and we weren't prepared then. We definitely didn't have the quarians."

Shepard looked from one to the other, aware things would only get tenser from then on out. "Nothing we can do about it anyway. What we can do, however, is get those people out of the wards and in the Presidium. And it needs doing yesterday." She turned back to Avina as both men relaxed at the order, nodding. "Where's the Council? Captain Anderson? Hackett? I have Spectre clearance," she added quickly, in case the VI required credentials to provide her with that information.

" _I have no information on any Alliance military leaders, or any specific persons. The Council is on stand-by in the event they are forced to evacuate the station. Ambassador Udina is with them in the Council Chambers._ " Kaidan raised his eyebrows, certainly thinking the same thing Shepard was – whatever the circumstances, Udina should really not be left alone with the councilors.

"Right," Shepard stated in a no-nonsense tone of voice. "We're gonna have to split up." She quelled immediate protests with a glare. "I'm heading straight to those chambers. Meanwhile, the two of you start going through the wards, get everyone in here as quickly as possible. I'll get the lockdown overridden. Stay sharp, and stay together – if any geth show up, you don't want to be alone."

"Oh? And you do?" Nihlus asked derisively, probably only because he was faster than Kaidan in getting over his vehement opposition to the plan.

"I don't have as great an area to cover. Besides, they'll come in through the wards anyway. I'm not the one who'll be in the line of fire, trust me." Her eyes switched over to Kaidan, whose expression was displeased but resigned. "Watch your asses. Don't linger, let people spread word once you're in each ward. I'm not sure how much time we have. Get back here when you're done."

"Be careful," Kaidan said apprehensively.

With that departure, they instantly headed in opposite directions, the only sound coming from their harried footsteps and clicking pistols.

* * *

Shepard's path was clear of people, geth or debris. The Presidium hadn't seen a fight, and if she had anything to say about it, that's how it'd stay. Somehow, though, it looked about as eerie as it had under siege by Sovereign and the heretic geth – empty of death but empty of life, and emptiness was never something that should apply to the center of galactic civilization.

She stepped out of the elevator to the Chambers, even more unnerved than usual by the perky soundtrack it offered, and instantly heard aggravated voices in the distance, maybe not quite arguing, but certainly not in good spirits.

" _Yes_ , well, unfortunately, there seems to be no way to reach Admiral Hackett or Captain Anderson at the moment, or in truth anyone at all," Tevos was saying, in the thin voice Shepard had long since learned was a very bad sign coming from inconvenienced asari women.

"Which is convenient for some and alarmingly suspicious to everyone else," Sparatus added viciously, in a patently better mood than Tevos, if he was still resorting to veiled accusations.

"I can _assure_ you, Councilors, Captain Anderson is acting only in the best interests of this station," Udina maintained, voice nearly as strained as Tevos'. "If he has been – _misinformed_ – I'm sure the fault doesn't lie with him." _Or me_ , was the shout that rang as clearly as if he had actually said it.

"Well, that's true, at least," Shepard commented casually, finally within sight of the Council. They spun to face her. "I thought my evidence had been convincing enough? Anderson seemed sure you were taking the threat seriously."

Udina groaned, running a hand over his face, and she couldn't decide whether it was at her presence or at her words. Regardless, she felt quite proud of the achievement.

The salarian dalatrass waved violently. "Look around! What do you call this? Of course we're taking it seriously. But the communications are down, we have no way of knowing what's happening outside, and we've been watching the hours count down without discernible change in the situation-"

"You mean apart from the comms. being down and the fleets not having returned to base after hours of what you suppose is nothing happening?"

That shut them all up. "Something is obviously going on outside," Sparatus admitted grudgingly. "So might you explain what, exactly? How did you get here?"

"Can't tell you what's going on outside without speaking to my pilot, because I don't know either, and my communications are as shot as yours. Geth," she explained when Tevos opened her mouth to ask. Shepard took the opportunity offered in the shocked silence that followed to continue. "As for how I got here, it's a story best told once we get through to the fleets."

"You think _geth_ left their space to _attack_ the galactic-"

Udina clearly found holes with her story. Pity that, the first time around, they'd mysteriously disappeared once she'd tried to explain them away with the reapers. "The geth aren't behind this, they're just a tool."

"A dangerous one, regardless, I'm sure," Sparatus said, following her as she briskly walked over to the control terminal.

"What are you doing?" Tevos asked sharply, watching her bring it alive.

"Frying a security loophole."

"Beg pardon?" Valarian said, aghast.

Udina looked on the verge of a breakdown. "Shepard, you don't even have clearance to-"

Everyone fell silent as Shepard suddenly gained access to systems reserved for councilors and a few select others. Shepard was definitely not selected.

"Is that – how did you do that?!" Tevos' voice was now high-pitched instead of thin, which wasn't a positive development.

"Councilor, I appreciate that you don't understand how time sensitive this is right now, but I need you to trust that I'm working for you and I will give you a full debrief as soon as this is done."

Silence fell, but no one tried to knock her out of commission, which really proved nothing, because as far as she knew, they just thought they had no chance of dissuading her, whatever methods they used. With Vigil's file, she managed to open a channel and breathed a little easier as soon as she heard Joker react with the speed she'd come to expect from him.

" _Commander? That you?_ "

There was some restlessness behind her as though someone wanted to demand she explain how on earth she managed to contact anyone through the geth, but it seemed her words had made an impact, because no one spoke up.

"I got you, Joker. Give me the run down."

" _Oh, thank god. Took your sweet time,_ " he griped, but the relief in his voice was evident.

"Joker, we're blind here," she reminded him. "Tell me what's going on."

" _Right – it's not too terrible, but the big bad hasn't joined the party yet. The quarians are goddamn champs, they've got flanking skills a mile wide,_ " he said appreciatively. " _Some of ours have taken a few hits so the flotilla doesn't have to, but nothing serious. No casualties as far as I've been told, and not one spaceship out of commission."_

Shepard grinned. "That's what I like to hear. Good going."

" _Now, the dropships, those are dropping like flies_ ," Joker sounded particularly pleased with himself, more so than usual. " _The Normandy's a beauty as always, and the turians have got one hell of a kick. The geth brought a lot of friends, but we're bringing down more than they can produce. New ships keep showing up, though. I maintain we've got it well in hand anyway._ "

" _Per my calculations, Shepard, we should be seeing the last of the entourage you met on Ilos._ "

"Then Sovereign should be showing himself soon. Thanks, EDI. Both of you, be ready," she warned. "Hackett and Anderson?"

" _Last I knew, they were each gonna be ordering a bunch of ships around – one over and the other under the fleet. Wildest guess? They're both right upfront taking most of the hits. I'm sure I'll turn out to be completely wrong about that. I'm trying to keep the Normandy a bit behind, as hidden as possible. Can't be the ace if everyone sees me coming._ "

"Got it. Don't go silent. The minute Sovereign shows up, you tell me. I'll be here, trying to coordinate everyone. Not one ship left in the open, Joker, clear?"

" _Aye aye, Commander. Joker out._ "

The twisted knot in her stomach hadn't exactly let up at the good news – it reminded her this battle was hardly over, had a few turns left to take still. She took a step back, caught between two polar opposite emotions: the familiar warrior instinct berating her for not being up there, leading from the trenches, adrenaline burning in her veins; and the new one, born from the bone-tiredness of too many years spent fighting, that kept trying to pull her away from her place in the galaxy.

Pointless. Nothing she could do but wait. And there were other matters to focus on. She glanced back at the Council, who was watching raptly and tersely, and searched out Tevos. "I need you to lift the lockdown on the Presidium. The Wards aren't safe if something gets through the defenses."

"That security measure was put in place in the event that any threat might blend into the crowd," the dalatrass spoke up.

"The Council can't be compromised, Shepard," Udina said quickly, obviously hoping she'd cave without a fight with any councilor. "Surely you understand-"

"I understand those people are in danger if they stay in the Wards," Shepard argued, temper flaring even if she kept her tone under control. "They'll be safe out there. By all means, lock these chambers, but let them come up to the commons."

Tevos strode forward without a word and accessed the appropriate features on the terminal. "It's done."

The Council had its flaws, but for the most part, Shepard knew every single one of them was there to serve a greater purpose. Occasionally, they even figured out that purpose was the good of the people. "Good. Thank you, Councilor. Alenko and Kryik should be on their way up."

Sparatus glanced at the terminal, which was emitting several soft blinking lights and the faint sounds of a fighting fleet. "Until then," he said, "you have a few questions to answer."

* * *

The questions actually lasted far longer than it took for Shepard's squadmates to return. Increasingly loud chatter floated up from beyond the walls of the Council Chambers, as clear an indication as any that too many people were being crammed somewhere without a specific purpose. Soon enough Kaidan and Nihlus were stepping out of the elevator, looking no worse for wear.

"Councilors," the turian Spectre greeted smoothly, on the verge of irony. It was an improvement from his previous dealings with the Council, so all in all Shepard took what she could get. Tevos pinched the bridge of her nose, possibly at his presence.

"No trouble, Commander," Kaidan reported, only putting away his weapon when he saw Shepard's wasn't in her hand either.

"Where you expecting any?" Udina snapped. The man's mood had anything but improved the longer they remained stuck there.

Kaidan spared him a glance but deferred to his commanding officer, which was probably a wise decision. "There are several geth dropships outside, Ambassador. I'm sure you understand the caution. It's the same that you were insisting on for the Council, before," Shepard said pointedly.

"I'd hate to interrupt this all around joyous reunion, but I'm not done questioning Shepard," Sparatus said, patently in an even worse mood than the Ambassador.

Kaidan's eyebrows shot up to his hairline. Shepard shrugged at him, and turned back to Sparatus. "Where were we?"

"I believe you were about to explain the ancient prothean ruins you discovered on a planet long thought inaccessible."

"I told you we found the Mu Relay."

"And Ilos?"

Shepard shrugged. "I'll be happy to help you plan an expedition the minute the dropships clear. You can see for yourself what was left of the protheans after the reapers came."

"I think what she's trying to say is shape up or we'll go down the same way," Nihlus piped up, casually leaning against the wall in the shadows.

Tevos spared him a glare. "Let us keep to reality, shall we? There's nothing helpful about nihilistic outlooks for the future."

"I'm sorry – facing facts is hardly nihilism. It's the first step to creating a plan."

"A plan?" Valern asked shrewdly. "A plan for what, Commander?"

"Meeting them head-on. And coming out on top," Shepard replied firmly.

"Do enlighten us."

"I learned something on Ilos, from the VI," she lied. "The location of a weapon schematic the protheans were working on. To use against the reapers."

Udina wasn't on the same page. "Shepard," he started, patiently. "before we start developing mass destruction weaponry to use on an enemy we still don't know exists, maybe we should start with investigating that enemy in the first place?"

Sparatus didn't look happy about it, but he seemed to agree. "Good point."

Kaidan uncrossed his arms, but before he had the time to say something that the Kaidan of this year would never have thought to say, Joker saved them. " _Commander! I see a big ugly ship pulling physically impossible turns and coming straight for us, which can only mean one thing. What's the plan?_ "

Shepard had already surged forward to the terminal at the first word, and cursed under her breath the fact that she had no way to see outside. "How many geth ships left?"

" _Two, Shepard. They won't last long, however. They have both suffered several hull breaches, and I believe the quarians are in position to strike. Warning: trajectory calculations complete. Jeff-_ "

" _I know,_ I know _, I see it!_ " The obvious panic in his voice wasn't reassuring. " _Shepard, they're in the way of that thing,_ " he warned. " _It'll cut right through them._ "

"How many?"

" _At least four quarian ships, but I don't think any of them are civilian –_ yes, _Tali, I-_ "

"Joker, focus," Shepard requested. "Have they not seen it? Can they evade?"

" _I believe they have time to maneuver, yes. Communications appear to be back online. Please hold,_ " EDI said politely.

Shepard utilized every shred of willpower she had left to keep her mouth shut and wait.

"The quarian fleet is in danger?" Tevos said worriedly.

"I'm sure they'll be fine, Councilor," Kaidan said, in an attempt to give Shepard some breathing room. "Let Shepard do her thing. She's got it under control."

Well, no she didn't, but she appreciated his loyalty.

" _Shepard,_ " EDI called, and there was an unwelcome strain in her synthetized tone. " _The quarian captains in the endangered ships have decided to not retreat. They want to give Sovereign a target._ "

" _What?!_ " Shepard couldn't be sure which of them had said it, if they all had at once.

" _They reason if we set up to expect the reaper in their position, the rest of us will have a better shot at taking it out all at once. And the geth ships drop anyway,_ " Joker said tersely.

"Negative. There are other options. We're not sacrificing people."

" _With all due respect, Captain, I'm afraid this isn't your decision,_ " the smooth flanging timbre of a quarian voice sounded in Shepard's ear. She guessed EDI had taken the initiative to connect her to the problem. One day, Shepard was going to figure out a way to repay her for being flawless.

"You're putting the flotilla on the line for this mission, Captain," she replied instantly, adapting her demeanor to the situation and not bothering with pleasantries. "We've no need to risk people yet. Reconsider."

" _I know what we're doing, thank you,_ " she countered drily. " _And I understand the risks._ " There was a pause. " _I can see that ship from here. I have also become suddenly and starkly aware of the consequences if we fail._ "

"If you just-"

" _An opportunity has presented itself, Shepard. We will take it before it has a chance to get the upper hand._ "

Shepard's mind raced. "That thing's not a ship. It's an AI, it's called a reaper. And you're not prepared for what it'll bring to the fight," she stalled.

" _Will this plan not work?_ "

"Maybe it will, maybe it won't." An idea occurred to her. "Which is the point. How open would you be to – an adjustment? A suggestion, for your safety."

" _I'm all ears."_

"How fast can your ships disperse, if about to be under fire? Not necessarily to strategic positions, just – out of the way."

There was silence for a few seconds. " _Not fast enough that we wouldn't suffer serious damage._ "

"But the ships would survive?"

" _Possibly,_ " she said, noncommittally.

Shepard ran a hand through her head, feeling her hairdo loosening slightly. After the day she'd had, she was surprised it was still holding. "If you want to give Sovereign an obvious target, fine. But you can get out of the way when it does, and let the rest of the fleets attack. If the dropships are left right in the middle, they won't survive. But you need to tell me that you can pull off a maneuver like that, or I swear I'll have the Normandy physically shove you out of the way if need be."

The quarian captain seemed to weigh her options in the silence. " _Give me a moment, Captain._ " Shepard refrained from correcting her and drummed her fingers on the side of the terminal, wondering how much time they could possibly have left.

Several long moments later, Shepard was gripping the metal, knuckles white and about to call up Joker, when the quarian re-established communication.

" _Captain Shepard? I've discussed your idea with the rest of the ships here with me. They have green-lit it. What's the ETA on the reaper?_ "

Shepard closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I'll patch you through to Joker. He's got eyes. Whoever's in charge of the different front, they'll work out a plan. I can't see what it looks like up there, I can't help."

" _I'll make sure to connect to my Admirals and yours, Shepard. Thank you,_ " she finished sincerely. Shepard pressed several controls and before long she heard Joker ring out contact protocols to the relevant men and women in charge.

"Impressive," was Sparatus' only comment. Nihlus glanced in his direction with a funny smile on his lips, and whatever way he'd thought up to finally ruin his relationship with his employers, Shepard cut him off.

"Let's pray it works," she muttered.

"You think one ship is a match to the three fleets?" the dalatrass asked dubiously.

"One reaper," Kaidan corrected.

She waved him off. "You know what I meant."

"I think it could be, if we're not careful."

Tevos was biting her nails, which would have been amusing in literally any other circumstance. "We'll see those quarians duly decorated, when this is done. No matter the outcome. And the humans as well, of course," she added in an afterthought. "Everyone out there right now."

Udina perked up at that. "A most admirable, honorable display of courage and service," he stated gravely.

Kaidan crossed his eyes in mockery behind his back, which was extremely childish. Shepard turned her back to them all before they saw her smile in such dire circumstances.

" _Now!_ " came Joker's sharp cry from the terminal, and just like that, the amusement drained away.

The next thing she knew, the arms of the Citadel were opening.

The sight that greeted her was terrifying and familiar – the sky littered with spaceships of every race and creed, looking somehow alone, small and vulnerable facing a single reaper. The silence in the Presidium was incongruous with the scene.

Then she saw the Normandy speed forward, covered extensively by several fleets of the Alliance navy, to fire a proximity shot with such impact that Sovereign reeled back, and she remembered the reaper was the one who was alone.

"The arms-!"

"We need to get the Council out of here," Nihlus muttered, priorities straight if nothing else.

"Wait," Shepard murmured. Everyone froze. "Don't. We need to stay here. Just – get away from the general impact area, in case something goes wrong." She took a few steps back herself while everyone else scrambled, gaze trained on the terminal. She wasn't sure what she was waiting for.

And then the interface lights flickered and shone red, and Shepard stopped. A miniature hologram of the reaper outside stood over it, clear as day, and projected by means Shepard – or anyone else in the room, for that matter – couldn't begin to guess.

" _That was impressive, Commander Shepard. And almost unexpected._ "

"And we're just getting started. Imagine what else I've got up my sleeve," she provoked airily.

Sovereign flickered slightly, maybe because it wasn't brushing off the damage from the combined strength of three races as well as it would like her to think. " _I was warned of your probable flippancy._ "

"You know, I'd focus on the battle you're losing badly outside, instead of me."

The silence carried a definite sense of amusement, even if the reaper could hardly smile. " _Ah, but aren't you the main threat?_ "

"Am I?"

" _Do not play the fool._ " Out of the corner of her eye, she thought she saw Kaidan bring up his omnitool, and she hoped he was making sure he touched base with Joker, whatever else he was doing. " _You'll fail,_ " it warned. " _This isn't a threat – it's advice. Heed it. Regardless of what happens to me – it's almost irrelevant at this point. The rest of the reapers will not wait around for this entrance. It's past time they've given up on it._ "

"I'm sure they have. But I haven't lost yet."

" _Honor and bravery – certainly admirable qualities, or at least I'm sure find them as much. But romantic notions of fighting to your last breath leave you just as dead, Shepard._ "

She walked forward, coming to a stop almost on top of the holo. "Don't underestimate me. Don't underestimate the people in this galaxy. You're about to be brought down by a few of them."

The threatening image of the reaper vanished, and there was a loud _boom_ overhead they could hear even inside. Shepard's head snapped up to see Joker put the Normandy through paces only he could achieve, to manage a maneuver that would have killed three Alliance fifth fleet cruisers and one quarian ship if anyone else had been at the helm. Instead, it successfully diverted Sovereign's attention away from several vulnerable dreadnoughts on its underbelly, which could then collectively take aim and nearly shear it in half.

"C'mon, Joker," she muttered, tensely keeping her eyes on too many things at once. The reaper was surrounded – and with the damage it had received, the fleets could dodge faster than it could aim its deadly gaze. It was going down. She only hoped they remembered to make sure it fell far way from anyone's gravitational pull – the Citadel's in particular.

"Is this station secure?" Tevos demanded, regaining Shepard's attention. Her face was as pale as an asari's could get, but she was clearly prioritizing her problems. "If it can open the arms, what else can-!"

"It _can't_ ," Shepard said, realizing she wasn't referring to the danger of the heavy machine crashing against the station. "This is as far as his control reaches. Why he needed Saren here. I've told you this," she explained, glancing back. Sparatus took that as assurance enough to stride forward and stand at her side, looking up at the stars.

"Does it die?"

"Hell yeah, it does," she replied. "Soon enough, I'd say."

She looked away and Kaidan caught her eyes. He was just doing away with his omnitool. "I was recording your interaction with Sovereign. And broadcasting it outside," he said casually. "Never know what we might need to comb through, over the next few months."

Everyone turned to stare at him. "Good thinking," Shepard praised, smiling broadly.

No one else – except Nihlus, anyway – seemed particularly amused. "And there was a need to broadcast it as well, was there?" Udina said harshly.

"We should all know who our enemies are, Ambassador. Shouldn't we?" Kaidan defended, maintaining eye contact with him.

Shepard cleared her throat before Udina got suspicious. "I'm sure the Lieutenant had only the best intentions."

"Yes," Valern said, drily. "Like making sure you're controlling the narrative, Commander Shepard."

"All he did was transmit a recording. Hardly controlling the narrative, more like telling it. And I hope you were paying attention too."

She wasn't concerned. They couldn't do anything to him over this. No one declared it classified. And now, she thought with petty satisfaction, no one could.

" _Commander,_ " came the call that was becoming depressingly common for the night," _report in. One more hit and it's done. Having trouble figuring out how to make sure it's not done on top of you."_

Sparatus followed her right to the terminal instead of backing away with the rest of the Council, which just complicated matters further, namely in regards to her feelings on the councilors. She couldn't pin any of them down for long. Even Shepard herself was more predictable than this.

"What's the situation, Joker?"

" _Quarians took a few bad ones, but the turians are guarding them like their lives depend on it now. They'll be alright. The Alliance took up the brunt of the fight, and I haven't had a report from the ones out front in a while. There aren't any ships down, I can tell that much, but that reaper has one mean hook. Fleet's gonna be down a few for at least a couple months after this, no way around that," he reported critically. "We've got it cornered, though. We've been in control the whole time, which is kinda amazing. You say the word, and we get it with such a nasty hit its grandchildren will feel it. Well, you know what I mean._ "

"Do I?" Shepard replied drily, at the same time Sparatus snorted, "Charming _._ "

EDI decided to take over before Joker put on his stand up for the audience he was getting. " _My suggestion, Shepard, is that you close the arms again. I don't believe we have gone anywhere near them, so it should be safe. As soon as you do, we strike. If there is a collision, it will be against the hull. Any urgent debris cleanup can be handled by undamaged ships before you reopen."_

" _Yeah, what she said. Easier than trying to drag it away._ "

" _I find the probability that Sovereign will try to open the arms again when you close them extremely low. He won't exactly have a chance,_ " she added, casually dangerous. Sparatus didn't comment. Shepard didn't hold any illusions that the councilors hadn't figured out what EDI was by that point, but if they were going to refrain from asking questions, she was going to refrain from raising them herself.

"Understood," she agreed, drawing up the relevant controls. "Activating it now."

The arms started moving again, and the reaper certainly noticed. She was caught in its red gaze just as the arms came together all the way to the top.

" _Now_ , Joker."

There was a lot of yelling, and then the loudest explosion from outside of the whole night. Afterwards, complete silence fell. Even the nervous crowd noises from the commons had muted. Tevos began pacing, but her footing was so light, the quiet wasn't disrupted.

For a few seconds, Shepard waited with baited breath – and then Joker called her back up on the channel.

" _All good, Shepard,_ " he said boisterously, and behind her, Nihlus actually cheered. " _The big metal baby didn't even go near your gravitational field,_ " from the tone, she could tell he was grinning. " _He's in three different pieces, kinda drifting away. My advice is someone should really go on a fetch quest. Not it,_ " he added immediately.

Shepard was laughing, seeing as it was over and Joker was funny, whatever else she told him on a regular basis. "Get back here, Joker," she said, smiling and opening the arms. "You've done good."

He whooped, and it was a good feeling, looking at the sky and seeing only pieces of the enemy, and her people (mostly) intact.

Kaidan caught her eye and smiled, putting his pistol away. One down.


	13. sanity check

The Council's sympathies took on a vast improvement from previous experience, after everything was said and done, Shepard thought. Whether it was her attitude regarding the Saren investigation, her impeccable handling of the mission from start to finish, the fact that, thanks to Kaidan's vid, the entire galaxy had few doubts in her words, or just because they were there when it counted, at the climax, listening to every word and witnessing first-hand what they were up against, she could now count them firmly on her side.

They accepted her word that there were important schematics that needed recovering on Mars, and put her personally in charge of the project. It was a more Council-aligned place that she carved for herself, this time – where before she'd been a representative for humanity, she was now the Council's trump card.

It wasn't an exaggeration either. Technically, her current job was the Mars prothean excavation – which Liara was only too happy to assume all responsibilities for – but in reality, they were sending her anywhere they wanted precision, accuracy or diplomacy, and occasionally, very brute force. Ilos, for instance, was one expedition she was the main escort for – and which Liara also headlined - and her input was requested for both the quarian and human representatives, who, in the councilors' view, had more than earned their place in the Council. She'd deferred to Tali on the first one, and Anderson was only too unhappy to take up the position when it was offered.

So, when it really came down to it, nothing much had changed. Shepard was just happy not to be assigned to geth cleanup.

There was one thing she made sure to keep a critical eye on, however, now that the storm on the horizon had been made visible to everyone. Her best bet was to sic Samara and company on it – war profiteering. Nightmares like Sanctuary couldn't be allowed to happen. It was bad enough how deep the reapers would be able to infiltrate when they arrived, down to asari monasteries – unless Shepard could help it – and she didn't want to add supposedly friendly fire to the cause. Though she supposed Miranda had that one well in hand – with luck, by the time the reapers showed themselves, Cerberus would no longer be an issue.

The Alliance recovered quickly from the limited casualties and modest number of vessels damaged, bouncing back in months with renewed galactic trust that allowed them into the Citadel's inner workings as easily as last time. Certainly, the turians, at the very least the ones in the Citadel fleet, had not a bad word to say about the humans, who'd blatantly saved their asses while they served as battering shields for the quarians.

And the quarians themselves now held such respect for Shepard and Tali that they accepted her 'gift of information' in regards to the geth attack as an outstandingly successful pilgrimage. The ships who'd served as bait had come out of it with surprisingly little damage, and were back in commission even faster than the Alliance's. They hadn't suffered casualties, either.

Tali had critically said, with only a hint of superiority, that relying on endless resources might do wonders for aesthetics, but it crippled the human's adaptability. Kaidan had retorted she was never going to convince him she didn't like how pretty the Normandy was, or that aesthetics were beneath her, because he'd witnessed her shopping for new suit patterns more often than he bought shirts. Ashley had then pointed out that that was because Shepard generally liked him shirtless, and since they'd both immediately shut up, the chief was the only one left standing in that discussion.

First, though – before the new assignments, before sleep, and really, before the night when Sovereign died was even over, what happened was that Shepard got extremely drunk with her entire crew. There was only so much universe-shaking stuff she could do before she required a sanity check.

* * *

James Vega considered Shepard carefully, and she was too out of it to bother staring back. "Here's a sorry bunch. You getting too old to handle your liquor, Lola?"

She stuffed her pillow a little further against her face. Kaidan was kind enough to answer in her place. "What're you doing here, Vega? I need coffee," he groaned.

Ashley peeked out from the other end of Shepard's pillow. "Who's tall, dark and loud?" she asked groggily. "And who let him up to your quarters, Shepard?"

James took very attentive notice of her, slow grin growing. "Joker did. Who's the hot little sister?"

"Ash." Shepard couldn't tell if Kaidan's one-word intervention was an answer or a warning. "I need coffee."

"What, like Williams? Ashley Williams?"

Shepard turned to Ashley, eyes unfocused. "S'okay. That's Vega. James. James Vega. I knew him from-" She paused, throwing an arm and unsure what she was gesticulating about. "Reaper stuff."

"What-"

"I need coffee. This is worse than my biotics headaches."

Shepard rolled over with some effort. "So use those to go get some. Bring me one too," she requested, watching James through an unhelpful squint. His eyebrows were steadily rising.

"You want me to use biotics to get coffee?" Kaidan said, stupefied. "There are so many things wrong with that idea, I can't even begin to explain it."

"Gonna kill someone," Ashley stated, in what could have been a general announcement or an agreement with Kaidan's words.

"Bet you will."

"I might start with you, _James Vega_ , watch it."

"I'm not using biotics to get coffee."

"It's good practice," Shepard argued.

"Practice for _what_?"

She gestured vaguely and seemed satisfied with that answer.

" _I'll_ go get the coffee, santisima trinidad. You three just keep being useless. Are you still drunk?"

" _Watch it,_ " Ashley huffed at him.

"What's Vega doing here?" Shepard belatedly asked as he walked out the door with a smirk.

"He's bringing surplus coffee, right?"

"Oh my god."

Ashley's groaned interjection seemed to be the cue they needed to make themselves face the day. Shepard stood up and only wobbled once before things looked right side up again. Ashley rolled right onto the floor and Kaidan managed to stand on two legs before heavily dropping back to the bed.

"… Did we all just decide to sleep in Shepard's bed last night?"

"That's cute that you phrased it plural, Alenko, but since I know it was directed at me, I'll just say that I don't actually remember doing that," Ashley grumbled at him. Shepard gave up and sat on her desk chair.

"No, you – I-"

"Please shut up until Shepard's hot friend comes back with the coffee, I'm gonna die." Ashley sat up against the wall, eyes closed and face sickly pale.

"Well, no gentleman is immune to such distress," James said, walking in and looking pleased with himself in ways Shepard was going to hate having to deal with. He handed Ashley a cup first, and Shepard kicked his ankle when she saw him pay far too much attention to the skin the gunnery chief's rumpled clothing was not properly covering.

"Out."

"You're welcome for the coffee," he said pointedly as he left.

" _Joker thought it would be funny,_ " EDI echoed around Shepard's room before she'd had a chance to ask.

"That's the problem with him, thinking and trying to be funny."

She could faintly hear the pilot too busy laughing to be offended.

"I'm sure Vega's just offended he wasn't invited," Kaidan offered. How easily Kaidan got along with James despite how outrageously he flirted with Shepard had never made much sense to her, but she wasn't about to request an explanation. She had enough regrets.

"Well, I didn't know he was here." She took a long sip out of her mug and then paused in confusion. "Why _is_ he here?"

Ashley shrugged, shoes dangling from her hand. "Hey, Skipper, you mind if I use your shower?"

Before Shepard was done nodding, Kaidan had taken his cue to make himself scarce, so Ashley closed the door with a wink and a smirk. Ashley was someone else with whom James would get along just fine.

It turned out, later, once Shepard had taken a shower of her own and tracked Vega down to Garrus' usual haunt, that he had coincidentally been at the Citadel, again, just as the Normandy pulled to port and the geth showed up.

"Really didn't mean to, scout's honor," he continued. "God knows I never want to be in your life's area of effect unless I'm actively following you around. Cool display of pyrotechnics aside, it's bad for your health." She would have slapped him across the head if he hadn't dodged and she wasn't still under her hangover's influence.

"An honor you're shamelessly defacing, considering you've absolutely never been a part of the boy scouts," Garrus cheerfully pointed out.

"How would you know? It's a vital part of the human military, I was very proud to serve," James argued seriously.

"Shepard said so."

Vega's face crumbled into a grin. "The Alliance used to say Shepard's a liar."

"You know this is my ship, I'm a Spectre, and I can technically space you anytime I want, with no consequences?"

He placed a hand on his heart dramatically. "And then who else will bring you and the rest of your threesome your morning coffee during your dark, hangover morning hours?"

Garrus broke down laughing. "Clarify that one for me. _Please_."

Shepard glared. "No." She then arched an eyebrow at Vega, who was still shaking slightly with mirth. "And you. Invade my ship, invade my cabin, hit on my gunnery chief and offer no explanation?"

"I also brought you coffee," he added with a smirk. "And I just can't not hit on good-looking women, that'd be rude."

"You've got a backwards definition of that word," Garrus commented. "And I say he's here to beg you for a job, Shepard."

James shrugged self-consciously in a way that told her he'd hit the nail on the head. "Well, beg's a strong word. What will you even do without me? Apart from blowing up a reaper, that is."

Shepard's lips were twitching. "Find yourself a locker, Vega."

He gave her a rare genuine grin. "Aye, Lola."

"Worked out everything you were wanting to?"

That brought a self-satisfied expression to his face. "Sure did. Having divine powers of clairvoyance really brings a whole lotta excitement to your life."

She shook her head. "I won't ask. I really hope the Alliance doesn't ask me to clarify you don't really think you're a medium."

Both men cracked up. "You suck at this, Lola, that's why you'll never understand me," James said between fits.

"Yeah, mediums can't tell the future, they're just psychic."

Well, at least the new addition to the ship put Garrus in good spirits.

* * *

Vega fit into life aboard the first Normandy like he'd served in it at least as long as he'd served on the SR-2. Tali, Garrus and Liara welcomed him back to the fray easily, like Kaidan, and he even got along fine with Wrex once some initial issues were resolved. Some bits of their conversations seemed to get lost in translation, and not really due to tech glitches.

"So you were there when Shepard took down that reaper on the Citadel."

"Yeah, twice now. Wish I coulda strong-armed it, but you know how she is about safety."

"I dunno that I want to understand what you mean. I'm sure it made lots of funny short-circuiting noises when it croaked though."

" _Ha!_ It _did._ It was glorious. But what about you - you were there, when she went rushing into that creepy prothean weapon."

"You mean when she died?"

"Duh. The second time, anyhow."

"… Yeah. That wasn't very- Not the most pleasant exper-"

"I bet she looked _awesome_."

Ashley either loved him or hated him depending on the current minute, but the overall average Shepard got out of their interactions was positive. On the other hand, he and Nihlus just avoided each other, and quite frankly, she was more than okay with that.

This behavior was now an exception to the rule, however. Everyone else seemed now to be on friendly terms with the turian specter, and he no longer hid himself away in the cargo hold. Shepard counted this as a positive development. Unfortunately, Nihlus didn't seem up to discussing it. He steadfastly refused to open up about Saren, apparently deciding to bury that chapter the hard way. The most she'd gotten out of him was a 'putting a bullet in his dead body was my way of working it out, Shepard', and she couldn't really be blamed for not pressing further.

So, between all that, the Crucible project being on track, and the light-weight assignments she was keeping well in hand during the timely lull in Reaper-related incidents, a weird peace of mind seeped into her life. Easy days slipped into easy weeks, she kept waking up next to someone she loved, and it turned out those were all excuses that kept her from noticing just what was off for so long, precisely.

One morning, when she stepped back out of her bathroom wrapped in a towel, she took in the perfectly made bed, the complete outfit waiting for her on top of it, the obsessively – possibly color-coded – organized groups of datapads on the desk, right next to a steaming cup of coffee, and she supposed the excuses fell a little short.

She approached the bed slowly, thinking. Kaidan walked in just as she was tying the hairband. He smiled at her obliviously and dropped down to sit on her bed, scrolling through something on his own datapad. She grabbed the coffee and burrowed under his arm.

He kissed her forehead right before arching an eyebrow at her. "Something up?"

"You know, I think my fiancé's been mothering me and I haven't even noticed."

He offered her a perfect bluffing expression she saw right through. "I don't know what you're talking about."

She drank from her coffee. "Thank you. But you don't have to bend over backwards for-"

He stopped her before she could keep going, making a face at her. "Someone should," was all he said, tone indicating he found her comment ludicrous.

"I've been taking advantage of that."

Now he openly stared at her in disbelief. "By leaning on someone who cares about you after all you've been through?"

"By letting it be one-sided. Aren't you always the one steadfastly _refusing_ to ask me to even pass you the sugar or something?"

He snorted and dropped the datapad somewhere behind them, patently so he could put the cup in her hand away and roll them over so she was trapped under him. "First of all, I don't even drink coffee. There's no reason you'd have to pass me the sugar. Secondly – you know, now that I think about it, what _have_ you done for me lately, Jane? Aside from the whole dying to save the galaxy thing, I mean."

She wasn't going to let him derail her point. "You know what I'm talking about. I don't expect-"

He hummed and began distracting her, which she let happen far too willingly. "It's almost like you're too busy running around doing everything for everyone before the disasters we all remember happening have a chance to develop."

Shepard made a face at him and pushed him away. He obliged, rolling over with her momentum. She stood up abruptly and grabbed some report off her desk.

"So how's your mom?"

He snorted, but his smile went all the way up to his eyes, so it was okay. "She's fine." He was quiet for a second, pushing himself up on his elbows to contemplate her. "When – it was all such a rush, wasn't it? From the moment the reapers showed up and – well, London. I kept telling myself I'd think about my parents – my dad – once we stopped running, but then-"

Shepard had put bits and pieces of this together, over the last few weeks, in short conversations that hadn't had the depth they deserved. "Then it was me you were thinking about."

"Mourning," he corrected. "It's just too much. I didn't really mourn my dad, and – well, I guess I didn't really mourn you. Didn't let it hit, more like. Told myself I didn't know everything yet. That I couldn't assume. Turns out that worked out on both counts, apparently." He shook his head. "The point being, it's been good catching up with them. I still wanna take my mom off-planet."

"You will."

Kaidan smiled at her a little absent-mindedly. "It's good to hear her not as – beaten down. I guess that was how everyone was, back then, though. But enough with that, sad stuff belongs in the past." There was a pause that Shepard found foreboding. "There was – actually something I wanted to tell you. Kinda related. My mom – she wants to meet you," he added casually.

That actually startled her into dropping her datapad. He grinned too, even if she could see a little unease in his eyes, which didn't particularly help. "You told her about me?"

He stood and walked over to lean against her desk. "I told her there was someone."

That made more sense. Kaidan had always been apprehensive about his father's opinion on him blatantly breaking Alliance regs.

"Was that the best idea?"

"I think so. Especially considering that you told me you'd marry me."

"Yeah – no, yeah, I know. I just-"

"I promise I've never had any reason to believe my parents are scarier than the reapers."

"That was not as assertive as I'd have liked it to be."

He burst out laughing. "You're not actually worried?"

Shepard hit his stomach with the back of her hand. "Shut up. I'm doing recon."

He laughed harder. "My dad's gonna love you. You should listen to him go off about the Council. He almost asks about you more than he does about me. Super proud I'm serving under Commander Shepard. And mom doesn't dislike anyone."

The affection in his voice was so enticing – Kaidan was always so fond, loved so openly, heart on his sleeve and emotion all over his face. Nothing important could ever be left unsaid with him. She'd stuttered her admissions to him, he'd spilled them without a second thought, whether he was tearful or angry or content or enraptured.

And Shepard, well, she'd never had parents.

It had been long since that last bothered her, but there were memories. _Hidden in some transcendent pocket of reality on the invisible side of the streets on Earth. Dirty disheveled hair on her face, but through it she could see a young woman with a messy bun, nuzzling a baby boy to shrieking giggles. Separated from everyone but a select few – like her, just like her but not as ready - by circumstance and willful misfortune. Watching still, from inside shadows no one tried to peek into, two men balancing a little girl on their shoulders as they walked. There was more security in her laugh than in Shepard's tight fist, even though only one of them had her feet firmly on the ground._

She understood the feeling of inexplicable loss as steadfastly as she understood having grown out of it. She wasn't so bullheaded to think she was above simple human needs, but she figured she was mature enough to have worked through it.

On the other hand, it was experience that made maturity, and this wasn't something she had any experience with. Meeting Kaidan's parents was the kind of low-level stress that distracted her in the shower, made her chew on her lip as she went over a boring report.

"You know you don't have to, right?" Kaidan said a couple of days later, out of nowhere. He'd just handed her a morning coffee because she'd neglected to get it, judging the pile of unread documents on her desk to be of higher priority.

"What?"

"I sort of – put you on the spot. About my parents," he clarified when she didn't look any less confused.

She straightened warily. "I-"

"I can tell it's been eating at you a little."

"No, you can't," she said immediately.

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I can. It can wait, we don't have to rush to Vancouver when this is all over. I just thought-"

"Kaidan, I _want_ to meet them."

"Oh." Her sincerity relaxed something in his muscles, and he crossed his arms to hide how relieved he was. "So why have you been nervous about it?"

"I _haven't_ been-"

"Shepard."

"It's not nerves. It's just - new."

For a moment, he was silent. Shepard knew him well enough to realize he was reaching a bunch of conclusions very quickly, all of which she wished weren't accurate.

"My dad called me today," he revealed eventually, sitting on the desk in front of her. She leaned back in her chair, not really as interested in the paperwork as in him. "I hadn't talked to him since before Saren and the Citadel. He's been dark for weeks, on some Alliance mission he can't tell me about."

"Must have been terrifying when he heard."

"He was pretty worried. At least the first person he talked to was mom, she assured him I was fine. He told me to thank you for saving my life."

"You should have told him you keep saving mine. Kinda how partnerships work."

"I did, he said to tell you off for that first." She laughed. "He also wants a play-by-play straight from you, because according to him, I'm too 'dry'."

"Sure, I get that."

He slapped her knee lightly, faux-outraged. "How dare you. The point is, he wants an excuse to meet you. And he has no idea how close we actually are, otherwise he'd have been more insistent about it. Mom told him I wasn't allowed to drag Commander Shepard out home just to talk shop, though."

"What else was she implying you might drag me to Vancouver for?" Shepard asked slowly.

Kaidan gave her a sheepish grin. "A lot more than he has any clue. I didn't tell her, she just – she's my mother. She hasn't said anything, but you know."

She didn't, but she pretended. "She's alright with it?" she asked carefully, surprisingly out of touch with the anxiety in her voice.

Kaidan chuckled. "She's – she keeps smirking at me when dad's not looking. I think she's anticipating his reaction when he finds out, she probably thinks it'll be hilarious. Which it will," he admitted. "But she's also just – happy for me. In general. She says I'm less- reserved."

Shepard was smiling a little despite herself. Something instinctive had told her that's what his parents would be like. "Not that I don't appreciate it, Kaidan, but why are you telling me all this?"

He crossed his arms and looked down at her thoughtfully. "Because they're just people. And you're good with people."

She hadn't expected that. "You think you need to humanize your parents to me?"

"No, that's not what I meant. I think I need to de-mystify them."

"You've talked about them-"

"Not enough, I think. The point is that it's no big deal and I need you to stop making it one."

"That's – not quite right," was all she said to that.

"Why?"

" _Because_ ," she began, searching for his hand and for words, "they're my fiancé's parents. They're also the parents of a marine under my command. On top of that, they raised the best person I know, which impresses me by default. They seem like remarkable people. Isn't that enough for a few jitters?"

"Well, compliment them like that to their faces and you really won't have any issues whatsoever." He had a soft smile on his lips. "I'm the best person you know?"

"No, Kaidan, Ash is. That's why I'm gonna marry her."

Smirking, he jumped down from the desk and placed both hands on either arm of the chair she was sitting on. "Really? But have you met the family yet? Because that's how I've got her beat."

Shepard sneaked her hands to the back of his neck, appreciative of the unimpeded view she had of his eyes. "She has too many sisters," she declared as an excuse.

He laughed only very briefly before she'd pulled him down so that his mouth got busy.

* * *

" _I will cut you, Vega_."

The shout – and following crash – rang even through Shepard's very effective and firmly shut door, both facts she liked to be freshly aware of, considering how she would occasionally spend her time in her cabin. Shepard groaned and tried to press her ears further into the pillow.

"Hmm," Kaidan said, eyes still closed even if he was blatantly not asleep. "Ashley's morning threats make for the absolute worst alarm."

"We're still not at point where she'll actually hurt him, right?" Shepard mumbled back.

That's when he opened his eyes to squint at her. "We reached that point back at the krogan bottle incident."

Shepard scrunched up her entire face. "I thought we agreed never to mention that again."

"Just making a point."

"Why are they even awake?" she complained further. " _I'm_ not even awake."

"That's right, you're not. And that doesn't need to change, so shh."

Despite Kaidan's perfectly sound logic, twenty minutes later, Shepard found herself blinking at two red-faced subordinates, having never felt more disconcertingly like a parent. All the while Kaidan snored away back in her cabin. Life wasn't about fairness, she reminded herself.

"You were playing cards?" was all her brain could come up with.

"Poker," James corrected quickly. She stared at him.

"There is an actual bullet hole on the actual chair. The broken chair. Did you _throw_ it?"

Ashley crossed her arms. "He can't throw worth shit. _I_ threw it."

"The bullet hole was there when we got here."

Shepard stared at him again. "You were playing cards?" she repeated.

"Well, yeah. I must have yelled a bit loud, skipper, sorry. I'm not actually going to cut him," Ash said apologetically. "Not over cards."

"There's a leg missing from that chair, and I think that pile of splinters over there against the wall is it."

Ashley waved her off. "I'll take care of it."

James coughed into his hand and made his strategic retreat, mumbling about breakfast.

Shepard felt she hadn't really met this situation with the reaction it deserved, so she stared at her friend some more. Ashley shrugged. "He was deliberately letting me win. So I was deliberately taking all his money." She made a what-can-I-do kind of face. "Then he figured out I could actually play him out of his wallet without cheating."

"Was _that_ what the argument was about?"

Ashley started. "What? No! I threw the chair mostly to prove I could."

For a moment, Shepard actually thought she wanted to know more. Then she came to her senses. "Yes, of course. That checks out." Then she left and never tried to find out what it was that Ash meant by 'I'll take care of it'.

Thankfully, nothing else during the course of the day was as alarming or disturbing as her wake-up call – was something literally anyone other than Shepard could say.

Joker informed her she had officially passed the anniversary of her first death and offered her kudos for being alive, right up until she reminded him the actual date was exactly one full year away.

"Ah, well, congratulations on being alive in general, then. Y'know, 'cause, your life." He gestured vaguely. "Just your entire life."

Then, Liara offered a moment of respite and sanity, by requesting her presence for updates on the Mars project.

"It's going really, really well," she said with a smile. Liara was most like herself when she wasn't so completely enveloped in the Shadow Broker business. Shepard smiled back encouragingly. "We've made enormously promising strides. Yesterday, I received a report that the secondary team had unearthed vestiges of what must have been a prothean researcher who managed to burrow himself in such a way that he was missed when the reapers came. It is an almost intact wealth of data, the way he was preserved. He must have died slowly, if he did not end it himself," she continued, matter-of-fact. "Certainly, no amount of supplies in that facility would have lasted him very long."

Shepard grimaced and uneasily thanked her for the update. The estimated time to conclusion, according to Liara, should comfortably be within a few weeks. Hardly any resources were being spared for the initiative, and after all, Liara herself had privileged information about their findings.

"I'll let you know as soon as we find our info among the rubble." In the silence, and due to her current state of mind, Shepard imagined she added ' _of a great civilization eventually brought to its knees via a metaphorical – and also very tangible – temporal cycle of birth and destruction_ '.

By the time Garrus and Wrex found her with Joker, discussing what to do about the Normandy's upgrades – a desperate attempt at a normal conversation on her part – to ask her opinion on firing weapons inside the ship for target-practice, her patience had been traumatized. She looked up at the ceiling and counted to three before turning to them.

"Hypothetically, of course," Garrus explained quickly. "We have obviously no-" Shepard held up a finger to silence him.

"You know what we all need? Shore leave." Kaidan – who'd been following her around ever since she politely requested that Tali didn't test out new theoretical corollaries on mass effect technology inside the ship – perked up at her words. "And by we, I mean all of you. You need it _yesterday_ ," Shepard added, warming up to the idea.

There were a few seconds of silence while everyone processed this.

"What about the collectors?" Garrus ventured.

"Are we allowed to celebrate _one_ win before we start dreading the next one? For once. Just like, a week. I'll take one week," Joker quipped.

Shepard stood up, gesturing pointedly at Joker. "He'll take one week. I'll give him more. Way, way more. In fact, this ties in nicely with what we were discussing, Joker," she said, turning to him with a warning glare in her eyes, mostly for the purpose of keeping everyone quiet. "Shore leave while the Normandy goes through renovations. Sound good to everybody?"

They all knew it was a rhetorical question, so Garrus and Wrex nodded quickly and disappeared to spread word.

"Good," she said cheerfully. Kaidan was the only one brave enough to stick with her as she strode away from the bridge, but EDI went one step further, being the only one brave enough to speak to her.

"Shall I make the arrangements? I've provided you with a list of options on your private terminal, and included time and cost calculations."

"You have no flaws, EDI, don't let them put one finger on you."

EDI tilted her head. "Of course," she said, as though it was a foregone conclusion.

"And feel free to choose whichever option you think best."

Pleased in an AI kind of way, she accepted the instruction and walked off. Shepard walked faster, decided that the rest of the day, no one was going to disturb her unless she specifically wanted them to.

Kaidan waited until they were back in her cabin to figure out what to say. "So – you've had a stressful day?" He should have taken a few more hours, though.

She threw a pillow at him for no discernible reason, and he fell on top of it, and on the bed next to her. "Feeling better, at least?"

"Kinda."

He offered her a slight smile. "They've been infected by a particularly biting case of cabin fever."

"I know. I've been in a good mood lately, ended up missing that one."

He kissed her temple, then her cheek, and began drawing a trail down her neck. "Hmm – In a related matter – if we're going on leave – what do you say we take advantage of it? I can make plans with my parents for us to head to Vancouver. Unless you had a different idea." He pulled back then, probably as part of some nefarious plan to distract her well enough that she wouldn't pursue his words beyond agreeing.

"Okay." Whether his plan had worked or that was her actual untarnished answer, they'd never know.

He grinned and kissed her properly on the lips this time.

It was several hours before she stepped outside her cabin again, humming something unrecognizable under her breath while paying little attention at the datapad she held, until Vega called out for her.

"What's this I hear about leave? I just got here and already we're going on vacation? I dunno why they call you the best marine in the Alliance, Shepard, what do you even do all day?" he groused.

She was in too good a mood to glare at him. "Put up with you, evidently. Takes a lot out of my time. Besides, you've been here for weeks, Vega, what are you talking about?"

"And you already need a break from me?"

Shepard looked him in the eye very seriously. "Do you really want an answer to that question, James? Be honest to both of us."

He retained his straight face. "So, shore leave then."

"Shore leave. As soon as humanly possible."


	14. i met a person

To their credit, Shepard's crew threw themselves into leave preparations with the kind of efficacy and effort that could only mean they really wanted to go on vacation. Within a day of her announcement, the traffic within the halls reached a crescendo matching reaper-war levels. The Normandy was dry-docking at the Citadel, where accommodations had been made for the lengthy renovation process it would undergo.

Miranda, who usually barely touched base with her, became a constant whenever Shepard visited the bridge or engineering downstairs, usually engaged in a four-way argument with Tali, Joker, and EDI. The subject matter could cover the multi-something core, the durability of the whatever-hubs, the compliance with random Alliance standards, the energy consumptions of such and such features, and even the engineer in Shepard couldn't find the courage within to listen further. Maybe she did need the time off herself.

Even Kaidan was busy, discussing logistics of going home for an extended period of time, and also dodging probing questions from well-meaning parents. She steered way clear of that. So, eventually, the day the Normandy was finally going to be handed over to the lab coats, she found Garrus alone, doing the upkeep of what she assumed (or at the very least hoped, considering they had to disembark within hours) were his last pieces of weaponry, and sat beside a rifle on the nearly empty table he was working on.

"Left it to the last minute? I'm disappointed in you, Garrus," she tutted, picking up the weapon and testing out the scope. "What kinda training-wheel range is this?" she groused. "You need a binocular to shoot someone?"

"Very funny," he said, snatching the gun away. "I'll have you know turians have shorter eyesight than humans. I'm half-blind, compared to you. The fact that I'm still a better shot anyway should make you feel _ashamed_."

"Wait, really? D'you actually see worse than me?"

"No idea. Probably not." He chuckled as she swatted his arm. "Stop comparing yourself to other people, it's intimidating. Also mean, it makes everyone feel bad about themselves," he complained, a mocking morose expression on his face.

She rolled her eyes, ignoring him. "This _is_ the last of it, right? You know we need to leave soon."

He hummed, putting the pistol away and picking up the rifle she'd been playing with. "Yeah. Don't worry, Shepard, I'm all packed. If you want to worry about anyone, I'd worry about Tali. I'm pretty sure her spare suit is still in three different decks."

"Why would-" Shepard cleared her throat and reminded herself of the promise she'd made to herself against asking questions. "Tali's already dragged Alenko, Williams, and Vega to terrify assorted Citadel shopkeepers."

Garrus barked out a laugh. "You liar. They went straight for the nearest bar and you know it."

"I've chosen to take her words at face value, because I know no one under my command would ever lie to me."

He offered her a small smile. "Uh-huh. So, what're _you_ doing over the break? Hunting collectors in a Kodiak?"

She snorted. "You know me. Anything it takes."

"Need me for the party?"

She shoved at him. "I'm going to Vancouver. You know, connect to my roots and shit. I'm gonna commune with nature like no one's ever goddamn communed before."

Shaking with suppressed laughter, he assented. "I see. Good luck to those plants, then. But seriously," he continued, sobering up. "If you're not gonna be busy with any doomsdays – I think I'm heading to Omega for a bit," Garrus revealed. "Some old friends I need to do right by, now I've got the chance. Some old enemies, too. My father made me book a ticket home when he found out about my leave, but after that… We should all take a breather to recharge batteries anyway. Need to be ready for what's coming."

"Yeah," she agreed, but then cleared her throat uneasily. "About those enemies you mentioned…"

Garrus snorted. "Don't worry, Shepard. Nothing too drastic. Well, not deadly, anyway. I've learned my lesson."

Her lips quirked just a bit. "Right. And Tali?"

"She's going back to the flotilla. I don't think I need to tell you why," he said pointedly. "She's not convinced her father's paid her concerns any mind. I've made her swear she'll signal for help the minute she needs it."

"So what you're saying is she's gonna give her father a piece of her mind, shut down his project, possibly by force, and escape the aftermath within a few days? Someone will have to be her knight in shining armor, otherwise she'll end up squatting on some dump shack on Omega," she added in faux-concern.

Garrus was now grinning. "One can only hope."

"And you don't want to take the opportunity to meet the in-laws? For shame. Why ever not?" Shepard's straight face had withstood a lot of things, but it faltered then. Garrus briefly scowled in response.

"Yeah, you laugh it up. _I'm_ getting away with it. From what I hear, you don't have a choice in the matter," he retorted, smirking.

She wrinkled her nose. "I'm meeting Kaidan's parents perfectly willingly."

"You let me know how that works out. Meanwhile, I'll keep banking on my excellent excuse to stay far, far away from the quarians."

"For now."

He threw the rag he was using on his rifle directly at her face. "What's everyone else doing, anyway? Haven't had a chance to ask around."

She pinched the piece of cloth between two fingers and delicately dropped it on his shoulder. "Liara's gonna harass the Shadow Broker until eventually she asks for help in – uh – shutting down his business. I'm guessing."

"Sounds about right."

"I don't think Nihlus wants a break, but the Council doesn't want him _not_ taking a break, so, over under, chances are good he's gonna be sparking some trouble somewhere. I have no doubts we'll hear about it when it happens. Very loudly. Wrex is going back to Tuchanka. I get the feeling he won't be returning."

Garrus shrugged. "Maybe it's for the best. The krogan did well with him at the helm."

She agreed. "Everyone else has personal lives I'm sure they wouldn't mind catching up on. Vega will probably stalk Ashley's if he gets bored. Joker and Chakwas are staying at the Citadel while the Normandy goes through her upgrades."

"Well, the eye of the storm's not the worst place to be," he said, stretching carelessly.

Shepard snorted. "Yeah, but the eyes don't last, you know. Not the best place either."

"We've got this well in hand, Shepard. And by we, I mean you. The galaxy will be ready."

She smiled at the wall behind him. "Well, I appreciate your confidence, at any rate." She clapped his shoulder before he had a chance to rebuke that. "C'mon, Vakarian. Wrap it up. This can wait."

Garrus considered his options, glancing from her to his equipment. He put away his weapon with a sigh. "Yeah, I suppose." She jumped down from the table lightly.

"Hurry up before Tali and Kaidan start without us."

* * *

"Do I need the chest plate, or do you think the helmet will do?"

Kaidan gave her the reproachful look of a miffed parent. "I don't know why I'm in love with you."

"So, full armor then. You really think your parents are that dangerous?" Shepard said, ignoring him. "By the way, that look on your face. That the look your mom gave you when you snuck back home after curfew?"

The scenery underneath their cab was turning green with the foliage, and Shepard pretended not to see Kaidan's scowl – which she only deserved a bit – to look down at the beginning of an endless field of trees. According to his descriptions, they shouldn't be far. She turned back to her fiancé to catch him also pretending he hadn't been watching her. She crossed her arms and he pretended harder.

"I," he began in a preppy tone of voice, "neverbroke my curfew."

That successfully distracted her. " _Never_? Not once?"

"No."

She resolved to sneaking him out the second night they stayed at his parents'. Which was a fun idea he'd had. Staying at his parents. For an entirely too long amount of time. An amount of time long enough to give wind to questions. Slip-ups. Too many interactions.

The point was, the second night. Not the first night, because that was probably a terrible first impression. She wasn't sure the second wasn't a terrible impression as well, just in general, but hey, Kaidan's idea, right? He hadn't yet suffered nearly enough for that, by all rights.

"Shepard? Your brainwaves are making my biotics flare up."

Shepard glared at him. "Sure they are."

"Well, they're not, but I can see you thinking."

"That's not how seeing or thinking works."

He made no sign he'd heard her. "You know, we could have stayed at some rental in the city, but-"

"We _could_ have."

" _-but_ , I'm pretty sure my mother would have stopped loving me for that."

Shepard couldn't help but laugh at that. But only briefly. "Right, Lieutenant."

"Yeah, about that," Kaidan started, and she raised her eyebrows at him. "Let's avoid rank and last names while we're home. Dad will get it, mom will just – ask questions. I can't answer any more questions."

Alarmed, Shepard nodded quickly. "Okay, no ranks, just – stop that. I'll start taking it seriously, drama queen."

He stared at her, probably because he'd intended for her to take it very seriously, but before she had time to question that, the cab began its descent and she looked out to see they'd reached their destination.

Her expression seemed to re-trigger the adult in Kaidan. He bumped her arm with his elbow. "Hey. I was just messing with you. They're not so bad, I told you."

"I know." She hesitated, wondering if she should ask the question on her mind. "Just – out of curiosity, you're not worried about how hard it will be to keep the whole engagement thing a secret for the entire time? Or – did you always plan on telling them?"

Kaidan shrugged noncommittally. "If it comes out, it comes out. Otherwise, it's probably best to wait, considering I'm just now introducing you to them."

She relaxed in her seat. "Oh, good."

"So, speaking from experience, with how well we handled the whole Ashley and time-travel thing, I'm sure they'll know within a week."

Shepard grimaced as the car doors opened. "Have you tried just not saying things, once in a while?"

He grinned, stepping out after her. "Relax. It'll be fine."

"Famous last words."

Shepard reflected on what had brought her to this moment as they took their luggage out of the taxi – near so far as she could remember, as soon as her ship had docked, they'd boarded an overnight ship to Earth, on which Shepard got very little sleep, despite Kaidan's most menacing efforts to glare away anyone trying to get a peek at Commander Shepard.

Mostly, it wasn't the travelers bothering her, more the prospect of what she was on her way to. She _was_ looking forward to it, that wasn't a lie, but she still chewed on the inside of her cheek while Kaidan slept beside her, far less concerned than she was. He would have gone anywhere else the minute she said the word, but he was clearly eager to be home.

Logically, she even knew it was gonna be fine – the kind of people she'd talked down had long since gone past in-law levels of danger. Most of them loathed her, even. She was pretty sure Kaidan's parents didn't loathe her. Yet.

She was brought back to reality by Kaidan pulling her chin up to plant a very long kiss on her lips. "I keep telling you, you're not supposed to use your brain on vacation, it's against the rules," he teased. "Stop it."

"Kaidan!"

They both turned toward the source of the noise while hastily stepping back from each other, and Shepard noted she'd lost his attention to a middle-aged woman with brown eyes and a square jaw, striding in their direction. She had a large smile on her face not dissimilar to the one that instantly grew on Kaidan's. "Mom."

They hugged while Shepard looked on awkwardly. Kaidan's mother turned her gaze to her, swatting her son on the shoulder. "Well?"

"Right – mom, Jane. Jane, mom."

Shepard stepped forward and was unexpectedly engulfed in a hug. "Good to meet you, ma'am," she said with a polite smile, when they pulled back.

She waved her off. "No 'ma'am's in my house. I know that military training is impenetrable, but it's Jai to you."

Shepard exchanged a glance with Kaidan, who shrugged, possibly the least helpful thing he could have done in that moment. So she just smiled back at Jai tightly and nodded. Satisfied, the older woman led the way back to the house. "I must admit, even I'm a little awed," she said, making small talk. "Not everyone can say they've had Commander Shepard in their homes."

Jai's small smile was equal parts entertained and mischievous, an expression Shepard had never caught on Kaidan's face, even despite the obvious resemblance. "It was kind of you to do so," she replied evasively.

"It's a pleasure. After what happened on the Citadel- It's just harder to rely on hope and faith."

Kaidan winced and gave his mother a half-hug. "Hey, I'm alright. I'll keep in touch as best I can."

"No, you won't. But she will," Jai said, nodding at Shepard with a small smile. "This is all part of my plan. She won't hide things because she 'doesn't want me to worry'."

Kaidan huffed at Shepard when she chuckled. "I'll make sure to keep you updated," she promised with a straight face.

"You two are-"

"Thank you," Jai said, cutting across Kaidan. "I keep up with all your articles on the extranet, but it's not enough. I used to do it for mentions for my son," she admitted, "but ever since he brought you up, well, there's more than one reason to read something. And even I'm not so oblivious to what's going on. You do some exciting work. Tell me, that planet you managed to make resurface – is it really full of near intact prothean-"

Shepard was gearing up for a conversation in her comfort zone when Kaidan interrupted. "I thought you had a rule about military talk under your roof," he cut in, indignant. "How come she gets a pass?"

Jai pointed at the house in front of them, still a few feet away. "Unless I've already gone insane, my roof is still over there, Kaidan. _We_ ," she said, gesturing between them, "are currently not under it."

Shepard burst out laughing while Kaidan scowled exaggeratedly. "You know, you were right," she told him under her breath, while his mother opened the front door. "I really did have nothing to worry about."

He made a face at her. "I hate you so much," he said, far too fondly.

"Come inside. Your father should be here soon, Kaidan, he's out on an errand."

"That'll be fun," Kaidan said, grinning. He wasn't even being sarcastic, the jerk.

And yet, when the man walked in and Kaidan surged forward to greet him, Shepard couldn't exactly begrudge him his happiness. "Hey, kiddo," the white-haired man said, smiling. "Finally, you're home. I was beginning to think your mother had lied to me." He was clearly gearing up to say something else, but then the door locked with a hiss, and Shepard removed her coat. That's when she was noticed.

For a second, they stared at each other. Kaidan's dad was frozen, and Jai had come back from wherever she'd gone to enjoy the show. Then, Kaidan stepped between them. "Dad, this is Jane. Jane, my dad," he introduced.

She stepped forward, pretending not to notice the man mouthing ' _Jane_ ' at least twice, and offered a hand. "A pleasure to meet you, sir."

He seemed to snap himself out of his stupor, and shook it firmly. "Pleasure's all mine, Commander." Jai let out an audible snort and Kaidan's lips trembled, because naturally he was helplessly entertained. The older man turned his glare to his son, clearly promising they'd have words as soon as Shepard was out of sight. "I had no idea Kaidan had meant you when he said-"

"Yeah, it's hilarious," Kaidan informed him. He stole Shepard's coat from her hands before she could protest and put it away. "Can you blame me?"

"Yes," he deadpanned.

Shepard's lips twitched. "To be fair, I enabled it," she confessed. "He was just really invested in – uh – seeing the humor in the situation."

Kaidan's dad was now grinning, overcoming his shock to take it in stride. "Uh-huh."

"So, her fault, then?" Kaidan pointed out, disappearing into the kitchen, where he was instantly rebuked by his mother for trying to help.

Now his dad laughed, and Shepard's unease grew as she realized she'd been left alone with him. She was always learning new fantastic things about herself, it appeared. She could be alone with Saren, the Illusive Man, and a goddamn reaper, but Kaidan's dad? That was the real danger.

"He's quick to throw you under the bus," he pointed out, as effective in dragging her back down to reality as Kaidan was.

"He's quicker to throw himself in front of it," she replied without thinking, and reeled back her wince in favor of chancing a look at his reaction.

The expression on his face was soft and understanding, and just a little resigned. "I expect he is."

Shepard now felt an explanation was owed. "Last thing I'd do, see him hurt on my watch." _Again_. "You can trust that."

"If I didn't before, I have more than enough reason to now," he nodded. "You're either the most dangerous woman for him to be around, or the safest."

"Both," she compromised. "And I apologize, this got a little heavy. It's not the- best of topics. Certainly not what I wanted to be talking about."

He waved his hand as though swatting a fly away. "No, it's fine. I don't mind. I get it. We're both Alliance, Commander, even if I'm hoping I can put the sidearm away sometime soon." Right, the retirement he'd been forced out of during the war.

She shook her head, both to clear it and as a reaction to his words. "Don't – either Jane or Shepard, if you don't mind." She remembered Kaidan's words from before. "Jane," she repeated.

"Jane," he agreed. "Then I'm Danylo. Dan. Before we go after them," he said, nodding toward the kitchen door. "Gotta ask. Not judging, just – never expected Commander Shepard to be the one to throw Alliance regs. out the window. Aren't you supposed to be our model example?" he asked with some humor, though she could tell by the look on his face he wanted a serious answer.

She shifted uncomfortably. "We're both professionals," she justified, knowing she wasn't denying they'd broken the regulations. "It's – being on the field, or-" She cleared her throat and let the sentence die. "It's two different mindsets. I'm sure Kaidan would agree. We keep it separate." Well - unless they were on Mars. Or Horizon. Or Earth, though anyone could hardly fault her for that one. All in all, they were unprofessional twats, but they were _good_ unprofessional twats, and at the end of the day, no one was going to touch them while that was true. "And we don't engage in PDA," she added drily, now enjoying making him a little uncomfortable herself.

He coughed but recovered well enough. "Plus, there's certain military careers where I'm sure it comes to a point they can't really court-martial you for fraternization, can they?"

"I think I might have hit that point around the time the reaper exploded."

The shadow of a grin crossed his face. He opened his mouth again, and Shepard would bet her life it was to discuss the reaper threat – so she was very glad for Kaidan when he popped his head out of the doorway. "You should go sit."

Dan seemed to realize shore leave wasn't the time to talk about the looming war on the horizon, so he led the way to the dining room and changed the subject instead. "You know, it was good timing when Kaidan let us know you'd have leave around now. I just wrapped up a long assignment, and it's great to have the whole family here. Lately it's just been my wife, and I've been – reminded of the things that are important. For more than one reason." He pulled out a chair for her in the old-timey gentlemanly manner Kaidan replicated so well, and she sat down in silence, letting him finish his thought. "Part of why retirement's soon, I think."

Shepard nodded in empathy. She could relate. Which said a lot of things, none of them nice, considering the age difference between her and Kaidan's dad. "I understand. More than earned. You've done the Alliance – and Earth – proud."

He agreed, looking intimidated. "Having trouble forgetting rank when you say things like that. No offense."

Grinning, she shook her head. "None taken."

"I've got Commander Shepard in my dining room," he mused, sounding somewhere between bewildered and amused. "Wasn't counting on that one this morning. Or an hour ago."

"You're welcome," Kaidan said, coming in with a tray in each hand, his mother trailing behind him. " _I_ brought her here, remember?"

"God knows how," Dan groused, grinning. "I thought you were supposed to be smart, Jane."

"Thanks, dad," Kaidan said, sitting down. "By the way, do you know how long it took me to get on first name basis with her? You're welcome for that, too."

Shepard could see very clearly where this conversation was headed, and if Kaidan's parents started asking questions about how their relationship had developed, she was quite sure he wasn't prepared to explain to them how the prospect of dying was a great motivator.

"I'm right here, you know," she pointed out.

He took her plate without missing a beat. "You're absolutely right, and I interrupted one of your exposes on honor and service, please do go on."

She narrowed his eyes at him and was about to decide how to exact punishment when Jai cut in. " _No_. Not in the house. It's enough what goes on out there," she explained apologetically. "I hate it when they bring work home."

"Of course," Shepard agreed quickly. God knew she wouldn't ruin the peaceful, happy pockets people fought to have in their lives, not when that was exactly what she was giving heart and soul and blood for. "I won't. I saw a garden out front. I thought those were lilies? Pet project?"

"Oh, I _like_ her."

"Yeah, she does that."

Dan snorted.

The dinner for four went on, a small family plus Shepard reunited for the first time in a while, discussing topics miles away from stars, wars, military strategy, spaceships or soldiers. This, she reminded herself, was a taste of what she defended, even far away and detached from its finer aspects. She didn't know, but she did, sitting there with a mother, a father and their son, people in danger from the reapers in three different ways. People she had a personal stake in defending, too.

Halfway through her glass of wine, Kaidan found her hand beneath the table. Maybe he thought it a remedy for her nerves, but as she squeezed the tanned fingers back, all Shepard could think was how she'd never felt more at ease.

* * *

"You," Kaidan's father stated, "are in very big trouble."

Kaidan grinned, accepting a plate from his dad's hands. "Oh? What did I do?"

He got hit with a dirty rag for his troubles. " _Shepard?_ "

"I thought she told you it was Jane?"

" _Shepard_ ," he repeated.

Kaidan's grin shrunk a little into a small smile. "Sometimes I can't quite believe it either."

The woman in question was still in the dining room, this time subjected to alone time with his mother, while Kaidan and his dad cleaned up. He might be paying for this later, Kaidan knew – but she was doing fine and they both knew it. Shepard could and would become the physical embodiment of poise and grace whenever she wanted to. The punishment would probably be out of principle than anything else.

His dad shook his head in amazement. "You're insane," he said in no uncertain tones, and Kaidan started laughing.

"I'll tell her you think so."

"You be quiet, young man," his dad grumbled in the parental tone he never used. "But seriously – _how_?"

Kaidan shrugged. He reached for another two plates. "A reckless bout of confidence that came out of God knows where."

"Yeah, that's usually it," he nodded approvingly. "Must have been _some_ bout."

Kaidan shrugged. "Well – we'd… Talked. It's not like we hadn't both figured out we each had – intentions. It was just hard, with the regs." He glanced at his dad out of the corner of his eye, expecting some sort of comment, but got nothing.

"What did away with your misgivings?"

Kaidan winced and remained quiet, wondering how – of even if – he could phrase it in a way that didn't upset his father. "Just – perspective, I suppose," he settled on.

He was met with silence, and he wasn't really sure that was a good thing. "You know, I can tell you're happy, and that's more than enough for me," he said, a direction Kaidan hadn't been expecting him to take. "But – you said perspective. I'm sorry, kid, I gotta ask – you mean the way you saw her? What exactly is this thing between the two of you?" his father asked carefully. "Because Commander Shepard is a formidable leader and soldier, son, but-"

"Ah, dad, no. That wasn't it," Kaidan interrupted with vigor. "You know, I'd seen the vids, I thought - I don't know what I thought. I expected to meet an inspirational poster, back when she got assigned. Instead I met a person. I- I don't think I can explain any better than that. It just – mattered a lot. Still does."

His father looked a little stunned, which was becoming a recurring state this evening. "Consider the matter put to rest, then."

There were a few seconds of silence while Kaidan frowned slightly, lost in memories. Then he snorted loudly. "I can't believe you were trying to look out for _Shepard_." It devolved into full-blown laughter.

His father's lips twitched. "I'm a gentleman," he said, as dignified as he could.

Kaidan laughed harder. "Oh, she'll think it's sweet of you, for sure." He held up both hands at the expression on his dad's face. " _Kidding_. I won't tell her. Just keep in mind she could break me with two of her toes."

His dad shook his head again. "Insane," he reiterated, and Kaidan grinned, critically looking around to ascertain they were done. He heard laughter coming from the other room and trailed his gaze to the nearest clock.

"Getting pretty late."

"Well, excuse _us_ for taking advantage of the situation. Next time, warn me I'll get to talk to _Commander Shepard_ one-on-one and I'll think about time ahead of it."

Kaidan cracked another smile. "You gotta stop saying it like that. Mom doesn't like the ranks."

His dad snorted but didn't reply, focus on the cutlery in his hand, the last to need drying. "Kaidan," he began slowly, and Kaidan's ears perked up at the somberness in his voice. "You remember what I told you after Jump Zero?"

"Course," he replied immediately. _If there's one thing I'd put money on, is that you'll have a next time._

"I-"

"I know," he interrupted softly. His dad looked back at him and he plastered a reassuring expression on his face. "It'll be okay. Wherever- whatever happens. Promise you, I'm right where I need to be."

There was a beat of silence, and then – "The one time," his dad replied with a sigh, "the one time I wish I'd hear you say you were done fighting."

Kaidan shook his head firmly. "Not a chance. Not until the war's over. It's my fight too."

His dad seemed to accept that easily, even he was slightly disgruntled. "And I couldn't be prouder of you. Just come home." His eyes trailed to the door, where the hum of two voices had quieted somewhat. "And bring her with you."

"Trust me. Top of my priority list."

* * *

The vacation Kaidan had expected was a little waylaid by the fact that Anderson had wised up to the fountain of diplomatic wealth that was Commander Jane Shepard. Every day without fail, she'd inevitably disappear for a length of time not justified by a bathroom break, and then he'd inevitably track her down to a new niche of datapads, screens full of junk data and communication logs, where Anderson - and sometimes some other harassed-looking embassy employee – emerged as a see-through painting over wooden floor, marble, leaves if need be.

This was a good thing, a Kaidan of another time and patience and priorities would say. Shepard having any say in how the galaxy was run was a dream for said galaxy, certainly. Just not for him, because it was hijacking his shore leave.

" _Why_ exactly is the matriarch being so urgent on this matter? I thought asari prided themselves on calculated patience," Shepard was saying this time, as he found her, knees crossed on his bed. Her eyes were flickering over the datapad she gripped, hyper-focused on the text speed-scrolling by.

Kaidan sighed and leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed, carefully out of Anderson's eyesight. Her eyes only found his for a bare second, but they were distinctly apologetic, and it wasn't like he could stay angry at that.

" _What does it matter? The issue won't go away if we figure out her motivations._ "

Shepard made a disapproving noise at Anderson's words. "Because if we know why, we can work out a less disastrous solution for everyone. _Or_ valuable information, the kind that switches the upper hand from her to us."

Anderson muttered an unintelligible collection of noises that Kaidan would have never thought to imagine as obscene language, and Shepard pretended not to hear a thing. " _I'm starting to regret this job._ "

"You know the other option was Udina, right?"

" _That's exactly why I held out this long before I started to regret it_."

"I don't think it's been a week yet."

" _I know_."

Shepard cracked a smile. "Tough it up, Captain. Someone needs to get their hands dirty."

" _I don't remember when the definition of getting your hands dirty became_ this _._ " She finally laughed then.

"That's s- Found it," she interrupted herself suddenly, hands stilling on a particular piece of data on her datapad. The amusement seemed to have drained out of her like light sucked into a black hole, but now she looked smug. "I think I need to have a word with the matriarch."

" _What is it?_ "

"She has a friend. Regular communication with the Shadow Broker."

" _What?_ " Anderson sounded stupefied. " _How could I have missed that?_ "

"You weren't looking. Here." Her fingers danced on the screen of the datapad and Anderson looked down, presumably at the information he'd just been forwarded. "Her contact."

" _This is just a gibberish message to some girlfriend, it's barely encrypted._ "

"I know. It's full of codes, not gibberish."

" _How do you know?_ "

Shepard met Kaidan's eyes again with a hidden grin. "A little bit of inside information. I've – crossed paths with the Shadow Broker," she said hesitatingly, not really twisting the truth. "I've seen this encryption before."

" _I- fine,_ " Anderson huffed. " _I won't ask. Go on._ "

"This phrase here – she's dropping a meeting place. It'll be appropriately deceptive, of course. She'd likely have been looking for someone of a completely different description, probably an agreed upon number of blocks over from the specified location."

" _It's not an address._ "

"No, a stand-in for one," Shepard agreed. "It doesn't matter. The important bits are where she's discussing the laundering operation and her stashed funds."

" _Corruption is rampant on the Citadel, Shepard, this isn't news. How is it relevant?_ "

"Because – her 'girlfriend' – isn't a girlfriend. This note was sent to the detainee she's so vehement about contacting, as luck would have it."

" _What a coincidence_."

"Let me speak to her," Shepard repeated, "and then you'll have the leverage you need to appease those salarians without treading on any unbruised toes. Just remember you can't hang this over the volus' head later. Or the matriarch's, for that matter. Don't be – too direct."

Anderson snorted. " _The council better appreciate this. Thanks, Shepard. I owe you. Again._ "

Shepard hummed dismissively. "Happy to help, Captain."

" _I'll speak to you soon. Good to see you, Alenko._ "

Kaidan started to attention, and Shepard seemed torn between snorting and grimacing. The expression on Anderson's face wasn't very telling, other than a knowing front. "Ah – yes, sir, you too."

The link cut off on Anderson's arched eyebrows before Shepard could try to spin some explanation for his presence. "Well, at least I don't think he cares much about those fraternization regs." She shrugged.

"Uh-huh," Kaidan said doubtfully, climbing onto the bed to sit next to her. "I didn't understand squat of what that was about, but you need to speak to an asari matriarch?"

Shepard nodded, running a hand over her hair. "Yeah. Just trying to figure out what to say to her," she mused. "Gently, she wouldn't like aggressive approaches. Skirt around the point, asari tend to love that. She needs to hear an accusation, maybe a threat, though. Depends on how skittish she is at this point," she rambled, and Kaidan let her, falling back onto the bed while his fingers played with the hem of her hair, loose over her back.

Eventually, she brought up the matriarch on her omnitool, careful to keep only her own head within view this time, and then she opened her mouth, voice cutting and lilted, and he lost track of her endless spiel.

He really hadn't lied when he'd told her he'd like her to teach him the way she charmed the world around her. He could watch her talk all day and forget to look away – the way she pulled and prodded and caught her relentless grip on some thread invisible to everyone else, yanked soft and hard and soft again. She'd walk and run and wander her circles around her target, and eventually produce the shiny end of the thread she'd pulled.

It was all so easy, too - she drew her lane, her tone, her words, her topic; she switched and shifted and hinted and got exactly what she wanted.

"You've gotta - find their vibe," she explained later, in the kitchen, distracted and distracting.

"What?"

She glanced back, "Everyone's got tells. What they're telling you, or how they're behaving – it gets twisted, or encrypted, or a little broken sometimes. But at the end of the day, there's a pattern there. You just need to look past the shrills and the lows, ignore all the nonsense noise, and if you catch on and play along, it's easy to - find common ground. And if you're really good at it, you can probably get it as close to your own ground as possible."

His mouth was hanging open. He shut it when Shepard gave him a questioning look. "So how do you do that?" he asked in an attempt at self-rescue.

She shrugged. "You play it by ear, stall a little, try different lines, get closer and closer to what you want. Then you stumble upon the exact right thing to say, and they'll tell you. A prompt smile, energized conversation, renewed attention, there's lots of ways to tell. I call it the gotcha moment." She looked pleased with that in the way a child would, which was endearing and amazingly out of place in her speech. "From then on, it's almost boring. Water circling the drain. You're watching it all drain out, but the dam's already broken. It's just a matter of time."

Kaidan mulled over that for a moment. "You're dangerous."

"Now he notices."

She fished for her coffee mug for what was the twelfth dose too many. He would have said something about it but got sidetracked.

"Wait, have you ever done that to me?" he asked, struck by a sudden horrifying thought. "Have I needed manipulating?"

She wiggled her eyebrows at him, restraining a grin. "Wouldn't you like to know."

"I would, actually, very much."

Now she really did burst out laughing, and he was left with no answers. A few hours later, he realized he'd played right into her hands, somehow, still syncing to her tune, or having hers sync to his. He wasn't sure, her metaphor had gone right over his head.

He did also realize, however, that he couldn't have been too hard a sell. His reaction to her was knee-jerk and conspicuous - her smile would have broken him to Shepard.

It was a good thing she was on their side, was his last sleepy thought, later, before the smell of her shampoo pulled him under.

* * *

Kaidan made it halfway through their leave with this routine – expecting at least three hours of Shepard's day to be taken by work she wasn't supposed to be doing. His dad thought it was funny and only a little impressive, and his mom had no idea, because, true to her word, Shepard diligently kept those matters out of Jai's sphere. She wasn't entirely sure she liked that Dan was getting a glimpse into the complicated realities of her life, but so far, no one had expressed concern.

Kaidan didn't seem too bothered by it, or at least he wasn't telling if he was – he just wanted to spend time with her. The feeling was mutual. He decided to do something about it one early morning, sneaking around at the crack of dawn before waking her up pleasantly.

"You're mine for the day," he informed her, somehow up before her, and already fully dressed.

She blinked up at him several times from her position on the bed, and he handed her a cup of coffee like the hero he was. "I wasn't yesterday?"

He climbed the mattress to sit next to her and waved her personal datapad in her face. "This thing – in collusion with Anderson – keeps stealing you away." She grimaced apologetically, but he shook his head. "I'm not blaming either of them, I'd be doing the same thing, but – today I'm in charge."

She let a smile play across her lips. "Yes, sir," she saluted.

He put the datapad away and poked her shoulder. "I'm not kidding."

"I believe you." She leaned forward and dragged him into a kiss. "What's the plan?"

"Have you ever gone sailing?"

She pulled back. "Sailing?" she repeated.

"Yeah. With ships. Only, the old-fashioned kind."

"I – have not, actually. But I get the feeling you'd have me try it today."

He smirked. "Get dressed."

She stood up, stretched, and arched an eyebrow at him, finding him appropriately distracted. "And are you my pilot for the day?"

He refocused. "I am not, because you're too pretty to die. But it's fine, it's a tourist thing. You pay the sailor. I've been loads of times. I like the ocean."

"I know," she replied, smiling. "Alright, Alenko. Today you show me the wonders of Vancouver. I'll leave the datapad here."

He cheered childishly, and she reached for her hair band. "Ten minutes."

* * *

Once, Shepard imagined the salt water she was smelling would have been inexorably connected with ships. Couldn't have a hull without water, navigation without sailing. The world was so big, the ocean even bigger, and the ships that cut through the endless seas with no proof of destination a brave display of human ingenuity.

The galaxy was much bigger, of course, the universe infinite, and there was no water in vacuum. A ship carved its way through nothing now, and the monsters were metal instead of flesh, real instead of imaginary.

In short, space did not smell like salt water.

It was strange, to feel as if she belonged here and knowing she didn't. She was human – she was on Earth, she was home. Where she was born, not where she lived. She was a space marine on a boat.

She was bigger than herself, now. The stage was larger, the cast more numerous, diverse. Meant more than a blue rock in the Sol system.

Everything was switched, opposite, changed and upside down. Life kept moving and everyone moved with it. So now ships belonged in the void instead of the water, and there were too many more things to discover, so much bigger than the world, bigger still than the ocean.

Kaidan sneaked his fingers down her arm and through hers, while her head lolled on his shoulder to meet his eyes. An effective way to bring her back to the present. "Worth leaving Anderson at home?" he asked through a grin.

She kissed him as a way of replying.

Shepard admittedly didn't know much about sailing, but the water didn't look too turbulent to her, and their pilot had been half-snoozing the whole time. His job seemed to consist mostly of pulling a long metal stick back and forth as a directional apparatus, keeping a rope tight in his fist, and let the wind take care of the rest. The boat was just large enough that it kept steady and jostled little, instead of knocking them on their asses. It wasn't some huge, luxurious thing eccentric Earth recluses sometimes had, with a cabin and somewhere to hide from the elements – just a boat, barely large enough for three people, requiring a combined effort to keep balanced. In all likelihood, some hidden tech was probably involved too, but she wasn't about to mention it.

The sail overhead kept whizzing and whooshing from one side to the other against the gusts, sometimes with enough strength that if one of their heads happened to rise a little too high, their best-case scenario was a concussion while floating in the water. They were regularly showered with spitting sea water, enough that she could feel her hair suffering, and the sun alternated from scorching her face to pleasantly warming the rest of her body. Her extremities were freezing wet and even in the calmest of conditions, the noise of the waves was significant.

Shepard loved it. Kaidan had known she would, too, judging from the self-satisfied look on his face. It was more than worth the hair and skin damage.

"How did you know this would be-" She could hardly find the appropriate words.

He shrugged. "Seemed about right. I'll take you to the docks later, you can see some relics." A big wave spit enough water over the board to drench part of her pants. "Then again, you also just like getting messy once in a while," he added, smirking.

"I'll live," she said, snuggling closer anyway in a losing battle against the cold.

He tapped his finger to her nose. "You're gonna get sunburnt."

"Not all of us can be born with skin so tanned you can walk right up to the sun without consequence."

"I'm sure walking up to the sun would do very little to my tan," he agreed seriously. "Probably because you'd need skin for that, and I feel like at that point, I'd no longer have one of those."

"Well, then don't walk into the sun. Problem solved."

"This is why they call you the galaxy's superhero," he sighed.

She shook a little, trying not to laugh, and hit his chest with the back of her hand. "That's right, I'm a problem-solver."

He grinned and looked around, mind long gone and far away. "It's just weirdly peaceful, isn't it?"

She hummed. "Kind of requires a patience for manual labor no one's had since they invented automated – well, everything. It's nice. Slowing down."

He buried his nose in her neck, a nose that was actually somehow warmer than any part of her skin that wasn't her face. "Can we stay forever?"

She checked the time. "How does another hour sound?"

"Perfect," he mumbled.

She spent the rest of her shore leave in this bubble with Kaidan, enjoying all the things she was fighting for before she had to strap her marching boots back on. When the last day came, she was even sad to say goodbye to his parents, who'd been nothing but supportive and accepting of her. Kaidan found a good way for her to think of it.

"You're on your way back here. You'll fight for this, Shepard. I will too. Told you before." He kissed her cheek. "Now, come on. Normandy's waiting. Let's bring this to a close."


	15. who stands beside you

Getting back to work was a matter of rounding up people. The obvious rendezvous point was the Citadel, where the Normandy awaited, as well as a very highly-strung asari. Liara had messaged Shepard cryptically about 'her friend Feron' and his 'off-world vacation' to Hagalaz, which was a sure sign they were needed back to business as usual.

Considering the conditions on that planet, Shepard really hoped Liara realized how suspicious that message was. On the other hand, if it was a deliberate intimidation tactic on the asari's part, she hoped instead that Liara understood she was also kind of intimidating Shepard herself.

Because of this, she was confident that by this time next week she was going to be exposed to the magnetic dangers of the Shadow Broker's base, several systems away. No rest for the wicked. Or for Liara's enemies.

In the meantime, however, she needed to make sure she had a crew to populate the ship. She knew they'd been summoned, but she also knew that at least half of her squad was still on Omega awaiting pickup. And what she encountered upon arriving at the Citadel wasn't encouraging.

The minute the doors to Purgatory – statistically, she'd figured she'd find at least one person there, which made it as good a place to start as any – whistled open, her eyes landed on a table to her right, where Steve Cortez was animatedly talking to a bemused-looking man. She'd barely taken a step in their direction when he made eye contact.

"Shepard," he called, grinning. His companion, who she now assumed was his husband, snapped his head her way. "Over here."

"So, _this_ is what you're doing with your time," she groused, grinning back. "What the hell passes for service nowadays?" She reached for a chair while Kaidan sat across her.

Steve snorted. "If you're judging me, just wait until you see _Vega_ , who was sober enough when he called me up to meet." And then he deliberately pointed directly at the man in question. "The fool tried to drink Gunnery Chief Williams under the table."

" _Again_?" Kaidan exclaimed, craning his neck to follow Steve's finger. Sure enough, the two soldiers were perched on the bar, a trail of glasses littering their surroundings, and Shepard mentally filed that as a problem for later.

Steve's husband laughed under his breath, which seemed to remind everyone introductions were in order. "Well, not to draw attention away from Mr. Vega, we all know he hates that, but – Commander, Lieutenant, this is my husband Robert – Robert, Commander Shepard and Lieutenant Alenko."

Shepard held out a hand and Robert took it uneasily. "It's Shepard," she corrected. "Steve's told me a lot about you. It's good to finally meet."

"It's an honor," he replied, sounding flattered. "And, uh, same here."

"What he means by that is, he threatened me at gunpoint until I provided detailed descriptions of everything from the scar on your eyebrow to your training regimens." Kaidan snickered, and Shepard kicked him under the table.

"Yeah, and since I don't see that scar now, you and I are gonna have _words_ later, sweetheart," Robert quipped back in a mock-threatening tone.

"I told you, it's not my fault time anomalies and resurrections keep picking and choosing which scars come and go."

And that was clearly the main thing on Robert's mind, from the way the amusement dimmed. "Moving on from my facial disfigurements," Shepard deadpanned, reclaiming the table's attention. "Surely you have something else in mind?" she hinted pointedly.

"I-" Robert exchanged a look with his husband. "Steve's been telling me – well, some strange stuff."

"It's okay, you can say you think I'm insane," Steve provoked.

"But only in the best way," Robert retorted, smiling. "Though seriously – tell me he was using flowery language, Shepard," he joked. "I'm not ready to accept a time-travel transition from sci-fi to reality."

"Afraid not," she said sympathetically. "Accepting unacceptable things tends to come with the territory for people in my near vicinity."

Kaidan agreed. "And anyone who's ever witnessed his conversations with Vega will tell you there's nothing flowery about Cortez's language."

Steve shoved his shoulder in retaliation while Robert snorted. "Right. Then - could you walk me through it, if you don't mind? Steve's told me what he can, but he doesn't- Well, I get the feeling you're the main character in this tale."

Shepard shrugged, and Kaidan left, presumably to acquire alcohol. "Sure."

* * *

By the time they were done, Shepard was feeling rather sorry for Robert. He kept picking at the label on his long-emptied beer bottle, frowning thoughtfully. It was a lot to dump on someone, and the story didn't get any more normal with each person that heard it.

She couldn't even tell if she'd been believed; it was a weird sort of middle ground between Ashley – who'd trusted the story by trusting the source and by witnessing the proof first hand, serving on the Normandy – and Aethyta – who hadn't believed a word and made no secret of it. Robert seemed torn between the blatant destruction of his suspension of disbelief and his husband's earnest honesty.

"There's just something I don't get," he finally said, after a long silence. "If the reapers can so quickly trash the galaxy once they arrive, how's one weapon going to stop them? Because the way I understand it, that's the current plan, isn't it?"

Shepard decided to allow the military shift of focus. If trust and belief were things he needed to work out for himself, that suited her just fine. "We need everyone. Every race's last ship. My job for the near future, besides sidelining the collectors out of this conflict," she reminded, glancing at Steve, "is making sure we're all on the same page."

"How are you planning on doing that?" was the instant follow-up.

She drummed her fingers on the table, listing out the tasks ahead in her mind as she said them. "The quarians need a world to shelter non-combatants," she began. "The geth need to be freed from reaper control. The salarians and the krogan need to work out their differences. Doing away with the genophage should do the trick. You'd think the current council races don't need further incentive to join forces – not after the Citadel attack. Hopefully, once all that's done, we should be ready."

"Oh, so a couple weeks, then? There's nothing too terribly complicated about any of that."

"Well, that's just not true," Shepard denied, refraining from acknowledging the sarcasm. "But it's doable. As long as I have the right people around."

Robert glanced at his husband, who appeared to have found something fascinating on the ceiling of the seedy club. "Who would that be?"

She leaned back. "I have a place for both of you on the Normandy. From EDI's reports, I'm getting a new Kodiak _and_ a Hammerhead on the ship. Someone has to drive. And for some reason I keep getting the feeling my squad would rather it wasn't me."

Kaidan coughed to cover up the instant laughter that bubbled up at her words. Steve grinned widely at the fascinating thing on the ceiling. Robert shifted on his seat, clearly pondering his options. "And – this is what you want?" he asked, addressing his husband, who immediately gave him his full attention. "Whatever else- even disregarding the- time-travel thing. You really want to serve on a war ship?"

Steve spared Shepard a glance. "I want to serve on Shepard's ship. And so do you. Don't pretend," he teased, but sobered quickly. "The time I spent on the Normandy, it was – few things are that rewarding, is all. It's a selfish reason, but there you go. I can't be anywhere else when the reapers hit, not now."

Robert ran a hand through his hair and nodded. "Yeah, okay. You really offering me a post, Commander?"

"I am."

"Then I'm at your service, ma'am."

Shepard stood up, pleased. "We ship out in a few hours, I expect. Report to dock D24 as soon as possible. Joker can show you around."

Steve saluted ironically and Robert did it very, very seriously, and they both headed for the exit immediately, speaking back and forth in fast, hushed whispers. Shepard's attention then travelled to James and Ashley, who had both neither moved nor noticed her. Kaidan considered them carefully. "Solution: neither of us deals with it and we get Liara to come drag them away by the ear."

"I like what you're selling, but I'm supposed to deal with my subordinates myself."

With that, she approached them cautiously, and began overhearing their conversation before being noticed.

"You know, Lola and Alenko call you Chief. Or Ash," James mused, and even if Shepard hadn't smelled or seen the alcohol, she could tell he was more than a little impaired from his speech alone. "So it'd be boring if I just called you that."

"Why would it be boring? You always call me Ashley," Ashley complained, and yeah, so was she.

Shepard deliberated whether or not she wanted to intervene, and then Vega leaned perilously into Ashley's personal space, the gunnery chief leaned further in, and Shepard decided she did not in fact want to get near them now or in the near future.

"Because that is your name," he proclaimed, and Shepard was already too far away to see him lean back. "Is there even a stereotype for a hot little sister?"

Shepard was frankly impressed that Ashley hadn't done him in yet, but didn't stick around to observe her receptiveness to his words.

"Liara," was her only comment as Kaidan followed her out.

"I won't ask."

"Thank you."

* * *

Liara was supposed to be waiting for her in the cafeteria area of the commons, but when Shepard got there, the only familiar faces she found were her helmsman and ship AI. They were sitting around a café table in what was a clear and painfully awkward silence, and noticing her seemed to be a lifeline for the pilot.

"Hey, Shepard," Joker greeted, and she noted he had a fake smile plastered on his face. EDI was looking particularly stony even taking the metal in her face into account, and with the two of them was a young teenage girl Shepard couldn't place. "This is Hillary."

Shepard's eyes widened. " _Oh_. Your sister."

Hillary considered her. "Hullo. Jeff tells you more about me than he tells me about you," she noted unprompted.

Joker's cheek twitched, but EDI seemed to take some pleasure in his discomfort, exchanging a look with Shepard that was weirdly vindictive for an AI.

"You know, Shepard, Cortez should really have someone show him around, he doesn't know this ship," Kaidan said, correctly reading the room and offering himself an escape route.

"Yeah, and neither do you," Joker countered, in an excellent demonstration of one of his many qualities – spreading misery. "Not with the renovations."

Kaidan had gone temporarily deaf, however, and waved at the four of them as he walked off.

"Where's Liara?" Shepard took a seat, resigned to her situation.

"She said something about an urgent transmission, and something else about Aria T'Loak, and then something about Thane Krios, I'm pretty sure, and then she disappeared. Oh, also, she was grumbling about the Shadow Broker the whole time."

" _Wh-_ "

"She's aboard the Normandy while the rest of the crew boards, Shepard," EDI supplied, a great deal more helpfully. "Spectre Kryik is also aboard. She seems anxious to take off, but is awaiting a message before she does."

Shepard acknowledged that and glanced over at the teenager, who was surprisingly talented at pretending not to be listening raptly. "So, what brings you here, Hillary? Surely it wasn't your brother's company."

That brought a smirk out of her, and a scowl out of Joker. "It wasn't," she confirmed. "Not that he would have even said he was here. I found out because I track him through his extranet address. Warns me if he's near some important galaxy hub, like the Citadel," Joker hissed something about boundaries, which Hillary didn't hear. Shepard was too impressed to comment. "My dad had to come take care of immigration paperwork."

"And he's taking way too long," Joker added under his breath. Shepard glanced at him briefly.

"Oh?" she said, addressing his sister again. "You're moving out of your colony?"

"Yeah," she said, looking at Joker with a speculative look on her face. For his part, he pretended not to notice. "Dad thinks it'll be safer here. Before the reapers come," she elaborated. "He said that part of human space will be lost quickly."

Shepard blinked several times, now under Hillary's scrutiny herself. "Really? Why does he think that?"

The girl shrugged. "Dunno. Maybe more people are thinking in a military kind of way, nowadays. Ideas getting spread around."

Joker coughed obnoxiously. Yeah, he'd most assuredly shared classified information with his family. The future kind of classified. Shepard cleared her throat. "Well, maybe he's just being cautious. The Citadel's the safest place in the galaxy."

"Maybe, though caution has never been a trait in our family. I mean, by the Normandy vids alone, I know Jeff hasn't changed."

Shepard was now grinning. "True enough," she agreed. "Would you rather stay in the colony, then?"

"I'm not sure." She seemed sincere. "I can't say I don't wish I knew a bit more about defending myself. I won't be much help to anyone, though. Maybe the smart thing to do is to stay put and – _safe_." She appeared to feel some disdain for the word.

"It is," Joker snapped. "You don't _need_ to learn how to defend yourself, thank you. Teenagers," he added under his breath.

"I didn't say _needed_ ," she argued. "Clearly, you're the only one who needs to be right up front in this war, right?" Shepard didn't know armed conflicts were subject to sibling-level petulance too. "I _want_ to."

"You're not going to," he informed her in no uncertain tones. "Stay _away_ from the Alliance."

Hillary huffed. "I bet half the reason you're saying that is because you're scared of what I might find out about _you_."

Shepard laughed at that. "You think the Alliance has some deep dark secrets on your brother?"

The girl's lips twitched. "Sure. He lies to us enough, at any rate."

"True," EDI confirmed unnecessarily. Joker glared.

At her interjection, Hillary leaned forward interestedly. "You're being quiet. On purpose," she noted. EDI stared back at her curiously. "You're an AI."

"No," Joker immediately denied. "She's a personal mech assistant. What are you talking ab-"

"I am the Normandy's AI, yes," EDI said, once again ignoring him. "Does that bother you?"

"Of course not." Hillary sounded delighted. "You help my brother at the helm, then?"

"I do."

Joker seemed to be painfully restraining himself from interrupting, but his sister pressed on. "I bet he's a pain."

"Some minutes more than others."

Hillary found that hysterical, and Joker broke. " _Alright_ , enough of that," he said sharply, glowering at the girl. "Watch yourself, young lady."

If Shepard didn't know any better, she'd say Joker was almost intimidated by his own sister, with how out-of-character he was acting. It'd been more than five minutes since she'd heard his last snide quip.

Hillary pretended he wasn't there. "I heard you before – you were talking about the Normandy," she commented, looking between EDI and Shepard. "You had some upgrades done over Jeff's leave?"

"So I hear," Shepard said. "I have as much to find out as you do, Hillary."

EDI was gratified at the question. "The Normandy is a pinnacle of engineering, the culmination of the best technological advances of many species. It's a massively successful collaborative project, and as improvements were available, we thought to add to it."

"I've read a bit about it," Hillary admitted hesitatingly. "I've always thought – well, don't the quarians have that multicore shielding tech? That could be useful, you know, when Joker's doing his dodge and nose dive thing beyond enemy lines," she said, attempting to sound disinterested.

EDI was clearly warming up to her quickly. "It is, which is why we installed it."

Overtly excited, Hillary leaned forward. "How many cores? I calculated four at first, but then I figured, you'd probably up the energy output anyway. I'm thinking enough that the ship could handle about six, seven?"

"Six," EDI confirmed. "You'd need classified data to do the math. How did you know the old energy output numbers?" she asked, a small smile bellying the statement.

Hillary shifted guiltily. "Jeff's security sucks. Appalling passwords. And I stole biometrics copies from him years ago."

"I hate you so much, Gunny," Joker said fervently, and Hillary turned her nose up at him, hiding – badly – a certain amount of smugness.

Joker looked like he was counting on support from Shepard and EDI, loyal servants of the Alliance that they were, but they were endlessly entertained and not about to chide the girl when she'd obviously earned the right to her entitlement.

"Joker, update your security," was what Shepard settled on instead.

"He has," Hillary recalled mournfully, over Joker's squawking protests. "A few months ago. Can't get near any of it now."

EDI said nothing but looked pleased with herself.

"I see," Shepard said, straight-faced. Joker shut up sullenly. "So the shielding's more than up to date, then," she added, switching the subject.

"Everything is," EDI continued. "The final product is unlike any ship any fleet has ever developed."

"Not to tout our own horn," Joker interjected, explicitly bragging, "but yeah, not a detail spared. Even those miniature ships that stand around and look pretty you like, Shepard, EDI got a hold of those."

Hillary's eyes snapped up to meet Shepard's. "You build model ships?"

Shepard shook her head. "Not build them, no. I don't have steady fingers," she said, wiggling them around. Joker mumbled something about shooting weapons and Hillary cracked a smile. Shepard ignored him. "But I like 'em. Buy them when I can."

The girl seemed to me chewing on whether she should say something, so Shepard kept a questioning gaze on her and hoped she'd give into the pressure. "I've been building a few," she revealed. "Only have two complete so far. I'm working on one that - it's taking a while."

" _You_ build model ships?" Joker echoed, surprised. Hillary shrugged and didn't answer.

"What's the name of the model you're building now?"

Hillary's gaze stuttered over to the dock behind them and back. "It's the Normandy SR-1. The old design, anyway."

Shepard grinned at her. "You should send me a holo when you're done, I want to see it. I've got one too, inside. Wanna come see?"

" _No_ ," Joker shouted, and all three women turned to glare at him. He went red and didn't make eye contact with anyone. "I mean - we're shipping out soon. And I've got to get Hillary back to my dad, I'm sure he'll want to get going too," he said quickly.

No one called him out on his bullshit. Hillary looked disappointed, EDI was looking at something to the far east with a completely blank expression on her face, and Shepard was just glancing between all of them, bemused and suspicious.

But Joker was in charge of the kid, so she exchanged contact information with Hillary, offered her a fist bump, and was left alone with EDI while Joker took Hillary away. Shepard wanted to ask what was up, but the stony silence advised her not to. Soon enough, he got back, the silence got stonier, and the unanimous decision was to get back to the dock.

Halfway through, Shepard noticed her ship for the first time and stopped in her tracks, the distraction effectively diverting away some of the awkwardness.

"Woah."

"Yeah."

She hadn't expected to notice the changes from the outside, but clearly, the extent to which EDI had decided to go in upgrading the Normandy had gone over Shepard's head. She could vaguely recognize the skeleton of the old SR-1 in the ship before her now, but the re-design evidence was stark, in particular the new size. It wrought a distinct and nostalgic echo of the SR-2, like a hybrid shrine to the two ships. The plating had obviously been fully substituted, and its color was at least a couple of shades lighter.

Shepard walked the length of it, taking in the full picture. "You messed with the hull, too?"

Joker shrugged. "Needed the space. Got everything from the SR-2 and then some – the shielding, the cannons, the shiny new core EDI spent days doing the math for - it's the best of the technology available now and the near future. Literally," he joked.

EDI took over. "The crew needed to be added to, of course. Miranda and Liara pooled connections and the Alliance approved the final assignment list."

Shepard blinked at her. "Just like that? You gave marching orders to their marines and they said 'okay'?"

Joker patted her shoulder. "You're underestimating the clout you currently have."

Shepard turned to EDI for clarification and the AI shrugged. "A significant portion of the Alliance Navy was involved in the Citadel defense. As a result, the whole fleet is now enjoying notably improved social standing. They hold you accountable for that."

"EDI name-dropped, is the point we're making. Keeping away from Cerberus makes you unproblematic."

"My hardware was replaced," EDI went on, and the three of them started toward the airlock again. "Several interfaces for me were also added throughout the ship, as in the SR-2. It is fully Alliance-compliant, but creative licenses were taken in some respects."

Joker snorted, but EDI was still ignoring him. Shepard pretended not to notice, and instead chose to address a far more immediate point. "Who had the _funds_ for this?"

"Everyone," Joker said, shrugging. Finally inside, Shepard did a three-sixty, taking in the new and improved bridge. "Alliance was willing enough to dump money on their best ship. Council opened up their purse strings like their lives depend on it. Which, y'know, they do." He then spared her a furtive look. "Also you. Had the funds, I mean."

Right. The timely and extensive budget reports EDI kept issuing for her. Shepard was fifty per cent sure Kaidan was on top of that. "Well, what are you waiting for? Show me around, then."

* * *

The ship resembled the SR-2 in a lot of ways, with a few uncanny valley differences that jumped out to the eye. For a start, space limitations had to be taken into consideration. The ship had been enlarged and refitted, but the existing structure was not discarded, naturally, so that certain rooms either combined, disappeared entirely, or relocated.

Her cabin, for instance, remained in its more appropriate place near the bridge, per regular human design protocols, even if the interior suffered a complete overhaul. She couldn't tell if it was Joker's idea of a joke or EDI's idea of a gift, but either way, Shepard was now back to feeling, as she had while living in the SR-2, that someone else entirely should be sleeping on that bed. Like a queen. The aquarium was back as a feature on the wall, as were all the model ships she had collected and hung over her desk. EDI. Definitely EDI.

Meanwhile, down in engineering, Adams, Gabby and Ken couldn't be more excited to tell Shepard (for lack of Tali, in all likelihood) about all the cool new toys they could play with. Toys, they said, that not even the SR-2 had had. Like a pet project EDI and Tali had been collaborating on, which, in Shepard's opinion, the engineering team had no business going near. The way they described it, it was a practical application for a theoretical corollary of mass effect physics laws, relating to a conservative system including a partitioned eezo core in which a dark energy current was introduced.

Tali had wondered aloud, bored one day, what the effects would be in small, self-contained physical systems like that, for instance, when applied to ammunition. The key difference from already available ammo was that the system would be fully isolated. Dangerously so. Using mass effect to do it was one thing, but conventional, normal physics laws tended to output unpredictable results in these situations. Mass would decrease, but the energy would be maintained – which part of the surrounding area would explode? Shepard's money was on all of it.

EDI had taken it as a challenge and worked out the math to see what kind of materials and dimensions it would take, and it seemed the peanut gallery had developed a prototype. Gabby, who'd never held a gun in her life, was fascinated by the ammo (the possibly illegal ammo) and demanding to test it herself as soon as possible, which Shepard vetoed out of common sense.

"You can test it the next time we're on the Citadel, I'll even give you access to the Spectre shooting range," she said to quell protests. " _Not_ inside the ship." As long as it was kept far away from anyone's implant, which would work out disastrously, Shepard might even join in on the fun.

"But I think it'll decay-"

"So will we, if you blow a hole on the hull that we can't plug."

Admittedly, the shiny new dangerous tech distracted her for a good while longer than the cabin had, and only when Joker coughed ' _nerd_ ' did she snap out of it to glare at him very unscientifically.

The cargo hold and engineering had been redesigned and readjusted to the new space so that both now had additional room and more separation. All military equipment was stored near the vehicles, which were a novelty in and of themselves. She did not ask why she needed both a Hammerhead and a Kodiak, because she felt the answer would not be satisfactory by any metric. She knew Steve had a moral objection to the Mako, which explained why it was gone. A pity, Shepard really liked to drive that one.

The brand new Thanix would have Garrus very pleased, particularly considering those didn't technically exist yet. EDI had told her the turians were in the process of studying the tech they'd recovered from Sovereign, and to go from there to weapon development, a few months would pass. So instead, EDI had come up with the design from memory, outfitted it to the Normandy, and distributed the blueprints open-source for the allied fleets to prepare for the reaper invasion appropriately. As of yet, she still had the only available prototype.

Shepard chose not to mention EDI's actions might have political consequences, because she didn't feel as though the AI necessarily needed to learn anything about politics. Udina could yell at her about giving precious 'human tech' away to other races' armies later.

The reallocation of the cargo hold and engineering had left a very big empty space that EDI had seemingly copy-pasted from the off-duty crew areas on the SR-2. There was now an observation deck complete with all the entirely unnecessary activities available on the previous two decks. The med-bay was the same, just restocked with anything EDI could get away with reinventing before its time, and there was a more open environment about the mess hall.

Very slowly, Shepard came to the realization that this was EDI's brainchild. In all the possible senses. "I approve," she praised, looking around the gun maintenance area, which they visited last. "You've outdone yourself."

"Thanks."

" _I believe Shepard was speaking to me, Joker,_ " EDI sounded from everywhere. Shepard told herself she could not hear smugness in the AI's voice. " _Thank you, Shepard._ "

"I know," Joker said.

There was no reply, and Shepard arched an eyebrow at her pilot after thinking for a total of twenty milliseconds. "What did you do?"

Joker looked offended but also concerned. " _Me_? I didn't do anything!" The concern overpowered the offense. "Did I?"

Shepard made a face at him. "Being clueless is stereotypical, Joker," she informed him, and then strolled back to the mess hall and through the stairs right up to the bridge, certain it was explanation enough. Joker scrambled after her.

"That's sexist," he accused, as soon as he was able to drop down into his chair in obvious relief.

"What did he do?" Shepard asked EDI by way of greeting.

EDI crossed her arms and acknowledged Shepard's curiosity at last. "Joker does not trust me around his sister," she stated.

Joker whirled around so fast that Shepard's intention to hit him over the head at EDI's words turned into concern he might accidentally snap his own neck. " _What? That's_ what you think the problem is?"

"Is it not?" If Shepard didn't know any better, she'd say EDI had grown defensive.

"I don't trust _her_ around _you_ ," he clarified very pointedly. "The girl is too smart for her own good, and she's always pulling these, these - _manipulative_ little _schemes_. I don't want _that_ around you. You're just way too- _good-natured_ to handle her."

Shepard could honestly say that was the first time she'd seen anyone shock EDI into shutting up. In the silence, she decided to cough twice to remind her audience she was still there. "I liked her," was her only input.

"Yeah, course you do, she's _you_ , 'cept, y'know, _evil_ ," Joker grumbled.

"You do notthink your sister's evil, Jeff," EDI rebuked, voice much softer than it'd been a few minutes ago. "Asking questions about your unconventional situation is not a scheme, silly man. Hilary is your sibling."

Right, and that was veering dangerously close to pet names, which was exactly the point at which Shepard had once theorized she was obligated to remove herself from any narrative. "Good talk, you seem to have worked it all out. Glad I could help," she said, and then made herself scarce.

They did not acknowledge her presence or departure. "And do not lie to me, Jeff. You have missed her, and you were devastated when no one could tell you what had happened to her on Triptree. I saw the way you hugged her."

"Yeah, and then she opened her mouth." The bridge gate locked behind her, and Shepard breathed a sigh of relief.

Passing through the CIC reacquainted her with the spaceship rhythm. There was no steady flow of increasingly grim reports from all over the galaxy, not yet, but the impressive command center was there. She was much more comfortable with the new interfaces, the same ones she'd pored over extensively through months of war, and everyone was back at their stations with the well-oiled familiarity she'd come to expect.

Shepard noted that Liara, however, was nowhere to be seen, which never bode well. Considering the whole day had basically been reduced to a quest to meet with her, it was especially concerning. She decided to wait for the asari to search her out, giving up on trying to peek into any more corners. She was hardly a difficult person to find, after all, and Liara was obviously busy, probably in an alarming sort of way. And there was definitely paperwork to complete in her cabin, which would only become a greater pain the longer she put them off.

Unfortunately for her, her cabin wasn't empty.

Nihlus was inspecting several private documents strewn across her desk, and wasn't particularly ashamed when she caught him. In fact, he made a show of looking around broadly before addressing her.

"Nice digs," the other Spectre told her, grinning. He picked up a model Sovereign. "Is this like a trophy? Will you mount Saren's head on the wall, too?"

She snatched the model ship from his hands and put it back carefully, which obviously only made him laugh harder. "I did not ask for this," she informed him, "and hands off my ships."

He held both hands up in surrender. "Duly noted," he accepted with a smirk. "I suppose it's for morale, right?" He was staring at the shower, which somehow looked more obnoxious than the old SR-2's had. "Yours? Maybe Alenko's."

She glared. "Watch it. And by the way, I'm shocked you came back, you know. Probably merits an explanation or twenty," she pointed out. "Don't tell me you got attached."

"Never," he declared. " _However_ , the Council doesn't quite know what to do with me. Our – _relationship_ – has deteriorated significantly in recent memory."

She maintained a straight face. "What? No way. How did that happen?"

He scowled, respectably self-aware, and returned to his point. "Bottom line is, I'm hoping you'll see the value in having me aboard."

"Good to have you back, Nihlus. Avoid coming into my cabin and manhandling my ships in the future."

He snorted. " _That's_ what you call manhandling?"

"Of my ships. Yes."

He held up two hands and focused on something behind her. " _Alright_ , I'm leaving."

Shepard turned back to watch Kaidan get out of the way to let Nihlus exit. "You. Deserter," she accused.

Kaidan feigned stupidity. "Don't know what you're talking about. Liara wants to speak to you urgently. I think she's received some signal she was waiting for." Then he presented her with a cup of coffee, which was shameless bribery. "Vega and Ashley are aboard. I don't want to talk about it."

"Fine, you're forgiven."

"I still don't know what you're talking about."

"Yeah, me neither," she agreed, taking a sip. "Liara, then."

* * *

"Shepard, you're here. Good," Liara breezed past Shepard, who'd just walked into what was supposed to be the new XO quarters, to the terminal near the back of the room. "Come here, I need to show you something."

Shepard decided to follow instructions and temporarily withhold questions. Several pages of information appeared and disappeared on the screen, too fast for her to be able to read, before settling on a short message without recipient or signature.

It said ' _Info good. Agent here. This is as far as I go. You'll have to track him down yourself._ '

"Feron?" Shepard guessed accurately.

Liara nodded. "Yes. He's on Omega. Aria tipped me that Thane was planet-side, and I had Feron confirm it."

"And – why would Aria think Thane's whereabouts concern you?"

"You'll see," she said cryptically. "But this is a good opportunity to touch base with him anyway. We need to get to Omega as soon as possible, Shepard," she insisted urgently. "I have Garrus and Tali on notice, they're waiting for us there."

"I – Liara, slow down. What does this have to do with the Shadow Broker?"

Liara gave the message a dark glare. "Thane has something I need. Before I go after him. But I'm making my move."

Shepard ran both hands over her face. "Joker," she called in a vague upwards direction, "set a course for Omega."

" _Got it._ "

"Thank you, Shepard. I promise I'll explain everything soon, but I need to contact Feron as soon as possible. Can we talk later?" she requested, already distracted with a datapad, even with the terminal still active in front of her.

If nothing else, Shepard figured she wanted to be on Omega to do damage control. Holding up two hands in surrender, she walked back out of the cabin. "I'll be around for your next short bout of attention." Liara didn't seem to hear her.

Neither Vega nor Ashley were probably in any condition to do weapon maintenance, so she headed down to the cargo hold. Omega wasn't the kind of place she visited without a pistol, and she was feeling somewhat excited to inspect the new gear in more detail anyway.

"Hey, Shepard," Steve grinned, watching her walk out of the elevator. He was already elbow deep in tools, hologram blueprints and metal parts. Robert was bemusedly leaning against his worktable, looking entertained. "I hear we're heading out. Gonna need me soon?"

"No, next stop is Omega. I'm on foot. What's all this?" she asked, gesturing at the area of roughly two square meters covered by complicated-looking tech, which had definitely not been there an hour ago. "Are you taking the new ship apart already?"

"The Kodiak, actually," he corrected. "I wouldn't touch the Hammerhead, but that brick is straight off the factory. A disgrace. It's the old model, too. I'm just touching up the mass effect tech, adding some chassis mods, redundancy upkeep prep, plus my pet upgrades outside factory norms. You know how it is. Damper filters, windows, extra firepower. Up to standard, everything to satisfy your particular needs. Usual stuff."

"That's English," Robert supplied helpfully.

"Oh, so _that's_ why I recognized a couple of words in there."

Steve crossed his arms. "You're a pair of regular Seinfelds, you are."

Shepard said, "You watch too much classical comedy," at the same time Robert said, "Your references are literally a century outdated."

"This was a horrible mistake," Steve noted while she high-fived his husband, cracking up. "You two are monsters."

Shepard ignored him, addressing Robert. "I've got a job for you, by the way," she told him, and he straightened immediately, moving past the jokes. "I tend to take a three-person team with me when I head out, so I don't have a real need for a small army. I do, however, have a need for someone with management duties, especially now that the ship – and the crew – are larger."

"Yes, ma'am. Give me an outline of what my responsibilities are, and I'm on it, Commander."

She called on EDI for that, mostly because working with her was the main part of the job. Quickly enough, they established a rapport that excluded her entirely, and Steve gave her a smile that she interpreted as gratitude for not dragging Robert into the fray with her. He'd never say it aloud, but she accepted it, clapping his shoulder, and walked over to the adjacent table, circumventing the mess on the floor.

There was nothing remotely imperfect about any of the weapons on hand, because EDI kept exceeding expectations every time someone set them. Her sidearm had accompanied her on vacation, but she unearthed her sniper rifle from behind several shotguns she assumed Wrex had left behind. Someone had clearly made sure her usual maintenance routine was kept up with religious zeal, from the looks of it – a hint of Alliance pampering that Shepard was very much enjoying. She placed the rifle somewhere easily accessible for when they landed, and left to put on her equipment.

She was definitely back to work.

* * *

Omega looked every bit as terrible as Shepard remembered it. A bomb could explode on the place and, one second later, no one would be able to tell the difference. Liara seemed oblivious to the curiosity aroused by their out-of-place appearance, but Shepard had to glare at at least three people before they were given an appropriately wide berth.

"Shepard," Garrus called, waiting for them at the dock's entrance. He pushed off the wall when they approached him. Shepard noted there was still no disfigurement on his face, which she took as a positive development. "T'Soni. Good trip?" He went on without waiting for an answer. "So, which of you is responsible for the assassin shadowing me for about six hours now?"

Shepard glanced at Liara, who flinched, and that seemed answer enough. "He hasn't attacked you-?"

"No," he interrupted, "don't worry, nothing like that. He's just been watching. Think I shook him about half an hour ago. Tali's holding down the fort, in case he changes his mind."

"The fort?" Shepard echoed, and Garrus beckoned them to follow him.

"Mordin's clinic," he explained, leading the way to the apartments. "We set up shop there weeks ago."

"Really?" Liara was surprised. "You've established an alliance with him?"

Garrus made a weird face. "We're cool," he said alternatively. "He likes the extra security. Not that he needed it, but redundancy, you know. Plus, Tali did some helpful tinkering on his stuff."

"Why does he need security?" Shepard asked slowly.

"Because he sheltered Archangel from the Blue Sons a month ago." He exchanged a humorous look with her.

"What happened?"

"Tali and I sorta, uh, bit off more than we could chew," he cleared his throat and turned a corner into an area Shepard didn't recognize. "They backed us into their own turf, and I threw my knee out. It occurred to her that we were near Mordin's place, and they had less presence over there anyway. She cut a path to him, dragged me along. He fixed me up in short order, and then the Blue Suns showed up in force. After we'd dealt with them, Mordin decided having us around was a good idea."

"That was lucky," Shepard reprimanded him.

"It was skill," he corrected. "Mostly Tali's."

The hushed whisper of a hospital waiting room reached their ears, and they turned the last corner to arrive at the old, run-down clinic Mordin ran on Omega. The commotion and traffic was much less pronounced than it had been during the height of the plague Mordin had cured, but there were enough people there for Shepard to know this was the only accessible medical facility around these people could feasibly frequent.

The receptionist said nothing as Garrus passed her, only sparing Shepard and Liara an uninterested glance, and before Shepard noticed anything else, a door to her right opened. Tali popped her head out. "Shepard," she greeted happily, and pulled Liara for a hug. " _Finally._ "

Garrus poked her shoulder as he walked in after the women, giving the quarian a mock-offended look. "Hello to you too."

"Oh, don't give me that, Vakarian. You were supposed to get back here with my capacitors an _hour_ ago."

He produced several small metal objects, waving them around in Tali's face. "I had to fight two Blood Pack krogan platoons and three Eclipse fleets for these," he stated dramatically.

She snatched the loot out of his hand. "Is that all? And it took you this long?"

He glared at her playfully, but before they all had to stand around and keep watching their alternative form of flirting, Mordin made his appearance.

The lab coat was maybe a little less shabby, and the lines on his face slightly less sunken, but the same heaviness tugged his shoulders down, shadowed his pupils. Shepard thought about the first time she'd met him, and the complete lack of interest he'd initially shown. A question of priorities, she thought. It was different now.

"You've returned." The salarian's face was sporting a neutral expression, but his eyes were trained on Shepard. There was no recognition in them, which was predictable. "No trouble?"

"Nothing worth mentioning," Garrus reported. "Mordin, this is Shepard, Liara."

Mordin nodded at each of them. "Heard some about you, Commander. Here for the drell, Dr. T'Soni?"

"Yes," Liara answered. "Garrus said Mr. Krios was following him."

"Following all of us. Cannot track. Impressive skill." He paused to breathe in. "Vakarian main focus, yes. Appears to be natural magnet for attention of wrong kind of people."

" _Hey_."

"He's got a point," Tali pitched in cheerfully. She was fiddling with an inactive terminal, using the miniature capacitors Garrus had brought back. "There's a bounty on both our heads from every merc organization on this rock."

"So it stands to reason, you're as much a magnet as I am."

"What are you doing, Tali?" Shepard wondered, eyeing the surgical way in which the quarian was switching and snipping wires.

"Trying to get this piece of-" She cut herself off, clearing her throat. "I was using this for monitoring Eclipse comms. It fried a week ago. I can't get my hands on proper materials on this planet."

Mordin made an emphatic noise of agreement. Shepard looked around, taking note of the mix of medical and military supplies littering the room. "They still a threat?"

"Course," Garrus piped up. "They know we're here. The losses the Blue Suns took, we made them angry. Haven't come near since, but I know they haven't given up."

Liara wandered over to the door and peeked outside. "And – how many men did you say you fought to steal that?" she asked, pointing at the pieces Tali was fiddling with.

Mordin and Shepard caught onto her meaning, reaching for weapons, and Garrus gave it a moment's pause before answering. "Too many." Warily, he grabbed his sniper rifle and looked at Tali, who was feverishly hurrying to bring the terminal to life. "Think you can use that to figure out if we have a problem?"

Tali pursed her lips. "Maybe. It sounds like you met organized resistance, though, Garrus. Chances are there _is_ a problem."

"I don't need to remind you what happened last time, right?"

"Will get assistant to bring staff and patients inside." Mordin fixed his gaze on Shepard. "Should take up defensive positions outside. One way in only."

A sharp beeping noise came from the system in Tali's expert hands, and they turned to her to find it had come to life. The quarian pressed her fingers against several places on the screen in speedy succession, and paused on a screen that Shepard could only evaluate from the expression on her friend's face, which in itself revealed little through the suit.

"Shepard," Tali said uneasily. "We need to get out there."

" _Move_."

* * *

Garrus walked across the hallway, manufactured confidence in his footing, rifle held loosely and uselessly over his shoulder. At first glance, the space seemed empty of other living beings. His eyes lingered on the body of an Eclipse mercenary who'd wandered over his sights a few short minutes ago.

One second later, he froze at the feeling of a shotgun against his back plating.

"Drop the weapon," a human man snapped, sneering. His voice expressed an unflattering satisfaction with his capture.

Garrus slowly bent to carefully deposit the gun on the floor, possibly out of zealous care for all his equipment. Which was cancelled out by the man kicking it away without mercy or fanfare. Garrus glared at the wall, but no one was paying him all that much attention anymore.

Another man wandered over, reassured by his companion's apparent control over the situation.

"Where's the other one?" the first goon grunted.

The second merc blinked stupidly. "Other one?"

"There's _two_ of them, piss-head," the first man shouted. "Archangel is a turian _and_ a quarian bitch!"

Before his friend had time to work that out, his head blew clean off. "Ah, well, he wasn't using it anyway," Tali reasoned, kicking the body away. She made the merc back up with a gun trained on his forehead. "Much like you. Call me a bitch _again_."

"Drop it," Garrus said sharply as soon as the threat had withdrawn. The man let go of his shotgun and Garrus picked his rifle back up. "You shouldn't fall for obvious bait so easily," he advised as a form of mockery. "Particularly when you're the last one standing in your squad."

Several things then happened at once – Tali relaxed her hand, the goon's hand flew to another pistol strapped to his back, and a single sniper rifle shot sounded. It hit its mark against the side of the merc's head, and he collapsed instantly, dead on impact.

"All good?" Shepard called, coming out of her cover.

"Yes," Mordin replied, taking critical stock of their surroundings. Liara rolled her shoulders and popped her neck with a wince, muttering about biotic overcharges.

Shepard walked over and pressed a finger against a stiff node at the top of the asari's spine, which acted instant relief. Every muscle on her body relaxed. "Woah," she muttered faintly. "Did Kaidan teach you that?" she asked, at once teasing and impressed.

Shepard chose to shrug and not answer. Mordin hummed approvingly. "Crude but effective. Lymph nodes only the side effect."

"Yes, but the side effects are most of the problem."

"Not to interrupt an important biotic biology discussion, but someone should go tell the terrified people in the clinic they're clear."

Mordin nodded once. "I will." He turned to Shepard first, however. "You are on a mission." It wasn't a question.

"Helping a friend," she corrected.

"Not what I meant."

"What did you mean?"

"The reapers."

"Yes."

"Would like to provide assistance. Did my homework on you. Have talented medical expert on board already, but am capable fighter. Also willing to add to potential research on reapers."

She mulled over how she should accept. "Why?"

"Watched you. Know who stands beside you," he said, glancing at Garrus and Tali, watching silently a ways to the side. "Consider you are the best chance this galaxy has. Can do more for people at your side than here."

Shepard assented, counting this as an easy victory and holding back a smile. "Wrap up your business here, doc. Garrus and Tali can take you back to the ship."

Mordin did not say anything further, just acknowledged her before walking off. Garrus and Tali followed, and the quarian simply exchanged a high-five with Shepard before disappearing around the corner.

"Right." She turned to Liara. "Well – now we've gotten Omega's standard welcome bash, let's find Thane Krios, shall we?"


	16. close for comfort

They didn't have to search far for Thane. Liara suggested starting with Afterlife, for several reasons. For a start, that's where they'd find Aria, and in fact where they'd find most people on Omega at the current time of day. Well, anyone Shepard tended to associate with. The crowd was also a great way to stay relatively inconspicuous and safe – the same reason that might compel Thane to show himself.

Which he did, not five steps from the entrance Shepard and Liara had taken to the club. One second, there was a shadow; the next, it had been replaced by the figure of a drell leaning against the wall. The obnoxious lighting lit him up in ten different colors during the short few moments they simply stared at each other.

"Liara T'Soni," Thane said, tearing his eyes away from Shepard to look at Liara. "I've been looking for you."

"I know," the asari replied pleasantly. "I've also been looking for you. Perhaps we could speak."

He arched an eyebrow. "Why? And how _did_ you find me?"

"I was made aware of your employment. I figured out you were on Omega and so here we are," Liara explained vaguely.

"How did you come to such a conclusion?"

"Aria. She owes me a favor. Alerting me to an assassin on the prowl was her way of repaying it." Liara paused. "An agent of mine followed you here and confirmed it."

Shepard wasn't sure what Liara's strategy was, but honesty hadn't been what she'd expected. Thane seemed equally surprised, though he was effective in hiding it. "Aria T'Loak has more eyes and ears and fingers in this place than I had anticipated," was all the input he had to offer. "And so do you."

Liara acknowledged that with a rueful smile. "It is something that just happens, I think."

"No, it is not," Thane disagreed slowly.

Shepard took an uneasy step forward, feeling like the tension in the room was strangely inappropriate, or that at least she was missing something. Thane trained his gaze back on her. "Easy, both of you."

"You are very talented," he said unexpectedly. "You dance when you fight. It's been a long time since I've seen that kind of spirit."

Shepard blinked twice. She remembered Thane saying similar things the first time she'd met him, about chasing each other to reach Nassana first – but not out the gate, and only after a few conversations on far less affective topics. "Seen me, have you?"

"I've been watching you since your ship docked on this planet."

His eyes were guarded, taking in as much information as he was able while she was there. A small part of her began to suspect she was dealing with a different Thane than the one she'd met on his dying breaths. Not that she didn't expect him to progress in much the same manner over a few short months, but there were still signs of avidness for life in this man's expression, signs that had gone in a different lifetime. "I'm Commander Shepard," she said finally. "Pleased to meet you."

Thane acknowledged her with a nod. "You know my name."

Shepard ran out of patience. "Liara? Think you can explain this now?" she asked, gesturing between the three of them.

Liara nodded quickly, and pointed at a table in the noisiest, most brightly lit corner of Afterlife possible. They followed her and sat down – Shepard noted that with that kind of visual and sound covers, they may as well be invisible.

The asari leaned forward and began without preamble. "The Shadow Broker keeps a list. People he can – rely on, to perform a very specific type of job. Assassins," Liara clarified at the blank look on Shepard's face. "It's a long list. And Thane is on it, but very far down. During his time on Omega, Garrus provided me contact with eighty per cent of the names. The others, I tracked down using – less refined methods. I wanted to make sure Thane was the one the Shadow Broker hired."

"So it _was_ you." Thane straightened. He didn't seem pleased or irritated at the reveal – merely interested. "I knew about that list. The Shadow Broker and I have – history. He'd resort to me only if he quite literally had no other options. I wanted to know who'd eliminated those options. My investigation led me here." He glanced around in disinterest. "I suppose I was closing in on your friend – Garrus, did you say?"

Shepard eyed him out of the corner of her eye. "You have – _history_ ," she started, using the same emphasis she'd heard in his voice, "yet you'll still work for him?"

"My body does the work. He is careful to hire me through superficially clueless intermediaries."

Liara was typing something at the speed of light on her datapad, but still had enough presence of mind to make interjections. "Thane was hired by the Shadow Broker to assassinate me," she finally revealed distractedly. "I had Feron follow him, but Thane managed to lose him. I was scared he might finish the job or that my interference might get him- might get someone killed. That's why I waited for Feron's confirmation that Thane had received my message and was willing to meet, before leaving for Omega."

"Your message," Shepard echoed faintly, appalled at the developments.

"I want to discuss possible changes to the contract's legal standings."

"The contract on your life," Shepard said for clarification and opinionated emphasis.

"Yes," Liara finally put down the datapad and linked her fingers. "The Shadow Broker holds the contract, and the Shadow Broker may terminate it at any time," she said to Thane. "This is true?"

"True," Thane agreed.

"I predict there will be an evolution in the situation's current state, Mr. Krios," Liara informed him, business-like. "There is ample evidence to recommend you wait and see what comes of it."

Thane placed his hands wide open on the table. "What's my incentive?"

"Contract cancellation fees. In addition to the original pay."

He made an approving expression. "I accept the wisdom in those terms. We may play by your rules, if you wish." He eyed Shepard curiously. "You will be attempting to kill the Shadow Broker? With Commander Shepard's assistance, I suppose."

Liara nodded perfunctorily, already nose deep in a new datapad. "That would be the plan."

"A most ambitious plan," Thane commented, a glint in his eye. "I wish to accompany you."

Liara's head shot up at him, eyebrows raised. "Oh?"

He shrugged. "It's relevant to the legal dispute we are currently embroidered in, isn't it?"

Liara pondered that for a moment. "Sure," she agreed. "You can come. Once it's done, I'll cancel the contract and pay you what I owe."

This was the point at which Shepard decided her intervention was required. " _Or_ , we could politely request that Thane not kill you. Let's say for morality's sake, if legal concerns are out the window. I'm sure he'd agree," she added, the last part with a pointed glare at the drell in question.

Liara and Thane exchanged a look, and he produced a small smile. "We did," Liara replied vaguely. "He does."

Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose. "Okay. I'll – okay."

No one pushed the point further. "Shepard, if you are done with any business you have on Omega, we should leave," Liara advised, putting away both datapads. "There's no time to waste."

A pair of purple eyes caught Shepard's in the distance, an instant of eye contact that was enough to transmit a whole lot of information. Aria T'Loak smirked slightly. "You two go on ahead. There's someone I need to speak to for a bit."

Liara looked in the general direction of her gaze and saw nothing. "Alright," she acquiesced. "Don't be long."

Shepard trailed away from the table in a different direction Liara started on, and climbed familiar stairs to reach a lofty lounge with no opposition.

"Commander Shepard," was the greeting, and it felt like deliberately stepping into a trap. Possibly that was just Omega's preferred general vibe.

Aria knew little and got told even less. Her curiosity had been sparked by the scuffle Shepard and Garrus had gotten themselves into, fanned when she realized she was in Liara's company, and quelled with every question Shepard dodged.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered," Shepard interrupted at the twelfth question, "but why all this attention? Surely you can find more interesting people to pointlessly interrogate."

Aria crossed her legs obnoxiously, expression betraying only vague boredom. "You're a new pawn in this galaxy's chessboard. And it's becoming clear you came prepared with a disproportionate amount of importance. I'm especially intrigued by how you ended up poking your nose in the Shadow Broker's business."

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm sure you don't. I'm just surprised I didn't see you coming, that's all. It's not often that I'm blindsided."

"Sounds like you could use some soul-searching," Shepard suggested, leaning back comfortably.

"'Soul-searching'," Aria echoed, looking supremely entertained.

Shepard hummed. "Y'know, how we lead our lives, who we keep in them. That sorta thing."

Aria was unimpressed. "Practical people – as I am, and as you claim to be – don't waste energy on such nonsense. I'm a busy woman. I have things to do. Omega needs me that way."

"There's a war coming, in case you haven't noticed. Right time to give those things some thought."

" _Is_ there a war coming?" Aria said, expertly changing the subject. "It seems you've convinced the whole galaxy of it."

Shepard arched an eyebrow. "I've provided extensive proof."

"That you have. An almost surgical amount. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were specifically prepared to have to convince an entire galaxy that the doomsday was coming. Planning on it, actually."

"How do you plan for _that_?" Shepard countered drily.

Aria wouldn't let her attention be diverted. "Were you concerned your warnings would fall on deaf ears?"

"I'm always concerned that people's nature might overpower their common sense."

"I see."

"I could use you on my side in this fight," Shepard casually mentioned. "Since you're interested."

Aria grinned, like she'd just been given a treat. "Oh? Fascinating. What will you do for it?"

" _Not_ anything."

Aria laughed. "I like you, Commander Shepard. Time will tell if it's enough. For now, I think our business is concluded. Unless you'd like to stop evading my questions?"

"I'm good."

Finally, the asari adopted a dismissive demeanor. "Well, then. This has been extremely unproductive, Shepard."

"If I ever get back in a sharing kinda mood, you'll be the first person I call." Shepard stood up.

Aria sneered. "I'm sure. Thanks for the bargaining chip. Maybe one day I'll cash it."

Shepard supposed contacts were good. Liara kept saying that. And Omega stayed mostly sane, within reason, when Aria was in charge. Shepard would gladly be her ally. God knew the people living on that station needed an advocate.

* * *

"Did Aria ask anything about me?" Liara immediately said, later, upon finding Shepard aboard the Normandy. Thane had made his way down to the cargo hold, Kaidan had reported, where James was poking and prodding him as though he were an alien specimen. Shepard was tempted to rescue him, but she hadn't forced him to wait there for the Normandy to arrive at their destination. "Or about the Broker?"

"Hardly asked about anything else."

"What did you say?"

"Something about tree frogs."

Liara's lips twitched. "Good. She doesn't need to know."

Shepard gave her a sideways look. "Gonna be really blunt with you, Liara – you're sounding a lot like you did the first time. You know, when you went-"

"A little crazy?" she finished wryly. "I know."

"Promise me you do."

"I only – I need to do this," she said restlessly. "And I promise, I'll keep a clear head. I've been preparing so long, I – re-establishing contacts, getting current information, and Feron-" she cut herself off, shaking her head as if a fly was bugging her. "It's just that – while he's targeting me, I'm-"

" _Oh,_ " Shepard said, shocked. "I'm sorry, I wasn't – I didn't realize that was making you anxious," she winced at her own phrasing even as she said it. "Liara," she tried again. "I promise you're safe with me."

That earned her a teary smile. "I know. I just need him finished. Need to put things back in order."

"I get it," Shepard said gently. "Just don't lose yourself while you're at it."

"I won't," she said, wiping a tear away. "You're always here making sure I don't. You're the best friend anyone could have."

She gave Liara a one-armed hug, getting only a little emotional. "I think it's just because I keep you away from better friends by dragging you around in this ship."

"Yeah, that's not it." Liara took a deep breath to compose herself. "Sorry, I'm okay now. Thank you for listening, Shepard," she said, pressing her forehead back on Shepard's shoulder for a second. Shepard squeezed back.

"Anytime. Now, c'mon. You've got a future score to settle."

* * *

The view from the shuttle was just as awe-inspiring and terrifying as it had been the first time around. Steve's good mood at being back behind the wheel for Shepard faltered as the giant ship the Shadow Broker used for a base came into sight.

"Steady, Cortez." Shepard's eyes trailed from her pilot to the vision outside. "There are magnetic fields from the planet and the ship, plus the storm-"

"I got it, Shepard." He offered her a reassuring smile, before determinedly turning back to his objective with renewed focus. "Rough drop, but it'll do."

The red, orange and yellow hues coloring their background were too aggressive to be warm. Shepard couldn't leave this place fast enough. Liara didn't belong in harsh environments.

"What's the plan?" Shepard muttered to the asari, tearing her eyes away from the window.

"Same as before," Liara replied tersely. "As we discussed before, I mean," she tacked on hurriedly, Thane's presence seemingly just occurring to her.

"We're expected?"

"Of course," she said unconcernedly.

Shepard stared at her friend for a few seconds, but Liara's disposition was inscrutable.

This did not interest Thane. "You'll not take down the base, I'm assuming," he confirmed shrewdly. "You want his resources, naturally. We'll fight your way to him inside, then?"

Liara nodded sharply. "Once he's in our sights, there's nowhere for him to turn."

"How did you acquire this base's location?"

"Credits."

"Ah." Thane didn't sound as though he believed her. "You must have deep pockets."

There was no reply, and the conversation died in the suffocating silence.

Soon enough, Steve was carefully maneuvering the shuttle around the dangers surrounding them every which way, and landing far more smoothly than he'd promised. Shepard stepped outside, Cortez' advice on limited risk-taking ringing in her ears, and felt Liara and Thane take up positions at her flanks.

"Feron's not here, right?"

Liara gave her an offended glare. "Of course not."

"Just checking."

Behind them, the shuttle took flight again. "Shall we get moving?" Thane prompted, and they started on the exact same path Liara had led her through the first time around.

The security didn't seem to have changed so much as downgraded from Shepard's previous experience on the base. Liara was more confident in her ability to get them inside the base proper, and if all else failed, hey, they were still living in a pre-medigel security upgrade world, as far as Shepard knew.

"How much of the Shadow Broker's army are you planning to decimate?" Thane wondered when they'd made it almost all the way past the hull to the door, watching two men be fried to death by the capacitor Shepard forcefully discharged.

"Shouldn't be much more," Liara replied, critically analyzing her surroundings for more mercs. "Our way in is over there," she said, pointing ahead. "After that, I expect the forces inside to be residual."

"Yeah, _right_."

Liara's lips twitched and they pressed forward.

Getting inside and all the way through the men between them and the Broker was no more trouble than it had been last time. Engineer hostiles crumbled frail in Shepard's hands, hardly ever taking the hit of her overload in stride. Meanwhile, Liara and Thane played off each other beautifully, warping over singularities in horrifying ways that almost made Shepard pity the Broker's mercs. Where Thane's biotics couldn't reach, he was suddenly there, weapon in hand or not, and no one lasted very long after that.

"Just keep them in front of you," was the advice she'd thought to give before unleashing her squad on the small army. "No flanking." They took it to heart, pushing back the men until the line broke and gave away into their path.

" _Finally_ ," Liara said eagerly, standing in front of the final door. She opened it without wasting a second more, and the three of them stepped inside the Broker's office at last.

The dampeners had been doing their job outside, and inside, the silence was particularly deafening. The lack of proper illumination and circulating air made the room out to be a proper stale lair, partitioned from the rest of the universe and its rules.

Liara wandered ahead, confident and determined. Her pistol was held loosely in her hand.

"So, you finally show your face," the Shadow Broker said, sitting in the shadows again to provide dramatic effect. "Not that I needed you to, of course. I made sure to find out everything I needed about the young asari coming out of nowhere to threaten my empire, Dr. T'Soni."

"Well, I hope you had fun," she replied dismissively, weapon trained on his head. "It will not matter now."

"I see. Your confidence is not lacking."

"Nor is the skill to back it up."

The Broker stood abruptly, and Shepard tensed. He merely took a couple of steps to the side, however, bringing himself just a bit more into the light in her friend's direction.

"Why are you here? What do you want from me?"

A mocking grin grew on Liara's face. "Didn't you say so, just now? To threaten your empire."

"Struck by a sudden impulse for ambition, were you?"

"Something like that."

The two of them sized each other up for a few tense moments, before the Broker looked away again. "But you did not come alone, of course," he said, turning to Shepard. "You keep some impressive company, Dr. T'Soni. Commander Shepard. You've made a name for yourself as a daily topic on only the most respectable extranet gossip feeds."

"Wait, is that true?" she asked, momentarily distracted. Liara glared at her. "I mean, shut up," she growled back at the yahg.

He ignored both women and focused on their third companion, who'd so far been watching the proceedings with detached curiosity.

"And you. Didn't I hire you to kill her?"

"I'm planning on honoring my contract," Thane assented. "Eventually. I will do so, of course, according to the circumstances as they stand then."

"There's little honor in being a murderer for hire. There's none in being one that doesn't even respect his commitments." The Broker paused, seemingly in self-recrimination. "I should not have trusted you."

Thane shrugged carelessly. "You and I have different ideas of what it means to be honorable."

In a fit of anger that overtook his controlled demeanor far too quickly, the Broker smashed his desk and threw it into a flight pattern directly at Thane. Taken by surprise, he didn't dive out of the way quickly enough, getting hit in full force, and Shepard almost took a step toward him before noting the Shadow Broker's attention had turned to her and Liara.

"Right," Shepard muttered, now a little mad herself. "Let's do this, then."

The Shadow Broker was a tough opponent – tougher still with a man down – but she and Liara had done this before, in the exact same setting, with the exact same available tools. Their strategy was solidly the same, needing no tweaking or additional coordination between them.

Melee fighting against that kind of rough plating was not fun, but bruised knuckles was the least of the damage Shepard could have walked away from that office with. Fortunately, without the initial fumbling about, she was able to do it early enough that Liara could take the distraction and cue before Shepard suffered too many love taps.

The Broker's barrier fried and him with it, and Liara was left standing over him, panting and triumphant.

"Thane," Shepard reminded not a second later, and the two of them hurried over to his crumpled body. "He gonna be alright?"

Liara examined him carefully. "He'll be fine," As if on cue, the man in question groaned feebly. "Just – give him a few more moments, and he'll get back to the land of the conscious. It was a bad hit."

The newly reinstated Shadow Broker walked away then, approaching the setup that was already lighting up with chatter from all over the galaxy. Once again, Shepard witnessed Liara take control of one of the most powerful networks in the galaxy in real time, appropriate gravitas on the asari's expression as the interfaces quieted again.

Then she immediately pulled up several files of data, and the friend Shepard knew re-emerged among the Shadow Broker noise and litter surrounding her. "You know, it'll be an interesting challenge, reconciling information that was archived by the time I originally got to the Shadow Broker with current events," she commented, and Shepard was about to contest the use of the word 'interesting' when Liara gasped. " _Oh_ , goddess!"

"What?" Shepard said, alarmed. "Don't use 'goddess' unless the world's about to end, Liara, it makes me nervous."

The asari seemed contrite. "Apologies, it's nothing – certainly nothing now that he's dead."

"Well, don't keep me in suspense. What is it?" she asked, approaching.

Liara pointed at some text Shepard wasn't about to read. "He was putting two and two together. About us and what we shouldn't know." She looked away and did a wandering lap around the room, as though trying to discern the Broker's new perspective on the galaxy, this time around. Her gaze became a little unfocused. "Of course, he hadn't jumped straight to time travel. But the way he writes here," she murmured, returning to Shepard and trailing her slim fingers over the exceptionally polished surface of the table, "he was getting there."

"That would've been terrible," Shepard concluded, using practical reasoning.

Liara snapped back to reality. "It would have," she agreed. "Good thing we got here first, right?" she posited with a small smile.

"Right. You wanna do some restructuring here for a bit, while I get the Normandy to come pick up Thane?"

The suggestion earned her a grateful smile. "Please. There's so much to do."

"Start with Glyph," was Shepard's unhelpful and obvious suggestion.

"Thank you, Shepard," Liara said sincerely. "For your help. I couldn't have done it without you."

"Sure you could've. This way it just looked much cooler."

Liara's laughter chased Shepard out of the room, a semi-conscious drell on her shoulder.

* * *

Thane made it all the way to the medbay before he regained some modicum of awareness of their surroundings. Shepard didn't know if this was because of the inherent fragility of the drell to physical damage (not that that was something she'd ever say to his face) or because the hit was worse this time around, but it hadn't taken Tali nearly as long to come to from this head bump, the first time around.

Chakwas berated them (and Shepard in particular) for their dangerous stunts, but before she could defend herself – possibly by pointing out she hadn't even provoked anyone this time, much less thrown the heavy object herself – Thane blinked up at her, dazed but sharper than she'd seen him in hours.

"Shepard," he greeted slowly. "What happened? Beyond a desk being thrown at me, to clarify."

She opened her mouth to begin the tale, when Karen interrupted her with conviction. "Oh no, not this again. You can brag over how many krogan you hit in the head at once when I'm _done_ accessing and treating my patient. _Out,_ Jane Shepard."

Of course, Chakwas was the kind of person who let herself be sweettalked, and Shepard was good at sweettalking. The compromise to let her stay was allowing the doctor to do her doctor thing while they talked, so Shepard pulled up a chair and gave only a very brief blow-by-blow account of the fight, under Karen's watchful eyeroll.

By the time Thane was declared medically fit, despite being issued a mandatory rest period, Shepard was wrapping up her tirade as well. "You can check with Liara about the contract terms when she gets back to the Normandy," she concluded distastefully, still finding the idea repulsive. "She shouldn't be long."

"I see. Thank you, Commander Shepard," Thane said, sounding appreciative. He glanced at Karen. "And Dr. Chakwas, of course. You didn't have – well, you had no reason to assist me after I was down."

Chakwas shook her head and patted him on the shoulder with a sigh, murmuring something about checking life support functionality with EDI before leaving.

"Course I did. It's what I do," Shepard pointed out.

"I'm starting to get that impression, yes." He paused, considering her. "Why me?" Thane wondered.

Shepard observed him as attentively as he did her. "Why you what?"

He cleared his throat, and winced when it became apparent the action was painful. "Why did your friend – Liara – decide I was the name on the Broker's list she wanted to involve?"

Ah, well. Fortunately, for this one, she could throw someone else under the bus. Let Liara come up with the lie. "You'll have to ask her," she replied noncommittally.

He arched an eyebrow. "It wasn't at your recommendation?"

Shepard tilted her head. "Did someone imply it was?"

"No. I just assumed."

"Why would you assume something like that?"

"Something on your face."

"Good thing we're both lying to each other. Leaves us both on the same plate."

He was now grinning. "Less guilt all around."

"You know what you should do?" Shepard commented in a conversational tone, changing the subject. "Stick around and see if you can find out why it is that you were picked."

He arched an eyebrow at her. "I should, should I?"

She shrugged. "You're a capable fighter. I could use those. I've got a fight coming up that won't take shortcuts or prisoners. Think you can use your skills for moral profit, instead of the financial kind?"

Thane leaned forward, crossing his legs on the bed and linking his fingers. "I could," he acknowledged. "But that is the wrong question. Will I?"

"Will you?"

There was silence for several moments, while he stared down at his hands and frowned slightly. Shepard didn't know what he was weighing, what his motivations were, or even if he'd say yes. But she thought she knew this man – her friend, who'd been through a lot, suffered things that would irrevocably change the strongest of individuals, and had a core that she could recognize whatever his life circumstances were. She respected him, and more importantly, she trusted him.

So she waited patiently. He eventually looked up at her again.

"Certainly," he finally acquiesced. It seemed simple, the answer, as though there was no debate behind it. "If you'll stop so readily insulting my morals," came the addendum, but there was a touch of mirth in his tone.

Shepard grinned at him, standing up and putting the chair back. "Careful. I might try to change them instead." She moved on before he had a chance to comment on that. "Get yourself out of that bed and back on your feet quickly, then. We've got a lot of work ahead."

"Understood, Commander."

* * *

Shepard took the opportunity provided by the fact that Thane would be out of the way for a few hours, at least, to call a meeting with the rest of the crew who was briefed on their time-travelling circumstances. There was also Mordin, but if the salarian found it weird that she requested most of her companions to assemble in the comm. room without him, he didn't mention it. Liara hadn't returned from the Broker's base yet, which was fine, as she wasn't the one that needed debriefing.

"The Shadow Broker's dead," she announced as Ashley walked in last. "Which means we now have access to his resources to speed up the Crucible construction, as soon as the research on Mars is finished."

"That's not entirely accurate, Shepard. The Shadow Broker isn't dead, the position changed hands," EDI corrected, present in person for once.

"Hooray," Garrus deadpanned. "Liara is ten times as terrifying now."

Shepard figured Liara would take that as a compliment.

"So, let me get this straight-" Ashley began warily. "Liara replaced a yahg as the most powerful information broker in the galaxy and no one will bat an eye?"

"It's the usual hiring process, I'm told. I know, I thought it was terrible HR at first too," Shepard explained. "Actually, I still do."

"Yours wasn't much better. I maintain your way of recruiting me was by kidnapping and making me crash a Kodiak."

"Vega, I most assuredly did _not_ make you crash that shuttle."

"You're welcome. The kidnapping bit didn't trip you up, though. Good to know."

"Didn't you join the Alliance to follow orders?"

Kaidan and Ashley exchanged a look before he cleared his throat pointedly. "Not to detract from your scintillating discussion on the finer points of what does or doesn't constitute kidnapping, but we were talking about the Shadow Broker?"

Joker decided to intervene. "Credits, data, workforce, blah blah blah, Crucible. Got it. You know, there are a couple of steps between blah blah blah and the Crucible," he pointed out. "We need to do something about the Collectors."

"And force the galaxy to get their shit together," Nihlus added mildly. "I believe you said something about the quarian's homeworld?"

"I have an update on that," Tali announced timely, leaning forward in her chair. "I returned to my people during shore leave." She drummed her fingers on the table, looking as though she were thinking of how best to put what she had to say. Garrus shifted in his seat, moving slightly in her direction like he wanted to offer physical support. "I confirmed my father didn't heed my warnings, and began his experiments on the geth anyway."

Kaidan uncrossed his arms, worry blossoming in his expression. "He's alright?"

The quarian snorted. "He's _fine_. He was months away from making the mess he got himself killed for." The anger she was now exuding didn't seem lost on anyone in the room. Tali sat back against her chair stiffly, eyes on the ceiling. "Did not listen to a single word I said. He's _obsessed_. I didn't realize – I hadn't known it was this bad. I forcefully walked up the Alarei, made myself complicit on purpose just to be able to yell at him over it, and he only berated me for getting involved. It's like there are only two thoughts in his mind – destroy the geth and keep me _away_ from it all."

"What'd you do?"

She stood up restlessly and placed both hands on the back of the chair for support. Her eyes flitted across them all briefly. "I took out a pistol and shot up the equipment. The research, all of it. He wasn't expecting _that_." This seemed to be the one vicious pleasure she took out of the entire situation. "Neither was everyone else."

She'd finally earned an expression of respect from Nihlus, after all this time. "Damn," he said, grinning. "That's one way to solve a problem."

"He had backups, of course. All I did was make a point."

"One hell of a point," Ashley commented admiringly. "What'd they do to you after that?"

Tali scowled. "They? Nothing. _I_ wasn't the one in the wrong. If anything, I managed to get the attention of some of the more doubtful acolytes of my father's." Shepard remembered the voice of a quarian woman leaving one last tearful message for her son, and decided drastic actions were sometimes necessary. "And I – I called in the Admiralty Board."

Shepard's eyes widened, snapping up to her friend, who was already looking back, clearly upset. "I couldn't – there are more important things than my father. And his delusions. His _obsession._ " She slammed a hand on the leather of the chair. "There is a war coming, and this wasn't the time for his _bullshit_."

" _Tali-_ " James tried, in an attempt to be comforting.

"This was no longer about protecting a dead man's reputation. It was about protecting my people – protecting _him_ – from himself. I did the right thing."

"Doesn't mean you can't feel bad about it," Kaidan pointed out. "No one's questioning your decision."

Tali was easily the most likeable member of Shepard's crew, the one who got along with pretty much everyone. It was probably why she felt secure enough to sniffle slightly in front of her audience. "Thanks," she replied sincerely. She sat back down, hand disappearing under the table in Garrus' direction. "I'll be alright. My father will face trial and I – I will speak for him. If he will let me. His project was only just beginning anyway." She took a shuddering breath and shook her head. "I just hope this gets us one step further in Legion's good graces, at the very least," she continued, switching the subject firmly. "We _need_ him."

"Yeah," Shepard agreed, allowing it. "That should be the next focus, I think."

"We don't know where to find him," Garrus said, identifying the obstacle. "How do we get in touch?"

"I don't know. But we need the geth."

"Do we?" Nihlus piped up, ever the skeptic. "Have we established that?"

"Yes," Tali growled, and no one seemed up to arguing. "We make peace with them and retake our homeworld. It's past time these old sores were _closed_. The heretics need to be rewritten."

Vega coughed lightly, something unpleasant appearing to occur to him. "Didn't that guy die when – well, when the geth became fully self-aware? When the quarians settled back in Rannoch," he clarified. "He had to- he fried, I- Okay, I don't know how synthetics die."

EDI looked disapproving. "You're fighting a war against synthetics."

"I had a point, and that wasn't it."

Tali nodded haltingly. "Yes. I- he dissolved his consensus. I don't wish to see it happen again."

"Do you have an alternative?"

"No," came the admission. "I don't know why copying and uploading the reaper code was insufficient that he had to dissolve his neural network. He didn't exactly take the time to explain."

"But we could try to find out," Garrus suggested firmly. "And hopefully find another way."

"I am prepared to assist Legion and Tali with any endeavors of the sort _,_ " EDI instantly offered.

" _Or,_ we could sacrifice one geth platform for the sake of both peoples."

Tali gave Nihlus such a venomous look, the turian's cool facade faltered. How she managed to do that even though her face was completely hidden, Shepard would never know. " _Or,_ we could not," she snapped. "How about looking for another solution before we take the easy way out?"

"Just saying, we _are_ talking about another dude's life. Someone who's not even here," James spoke up in support of Tali's point. He seemed disturbed by the idea, which earned him a surprised look from Ashley. "Let's slow down with the throwing-people-into-the-meat-grinder-for-the-cause thing."

Nihlus held up both hands in surrender. Shepard met Kaidan's doubtful eyes for a brief second and looked away. This was the kind of long shot they thrived on, she reminded herself firmly. She ignored the synthetic echo of their geth unit's final moments ringing around her brain, countering her argument – _I must go to them. There is no other way._

"Okay," she agreed instead, a neutral expression on her face. "That's step two. First we actually have to find him and convince him to join us."

"I have a suggestion _,_ " EDI said. "Salvaging the reaper virus the heretics are adapting would get their attention, even more so than Shepard already has by fighting Saren's army. We could wait for them to come to us. Legion seems to be their preferred liaison to the organics."

"I'm sure they haven't had time to properly develop it," Tali protested, frowning slightly. "The virus, I mean. We only just defeated Sovereign."

"I can finish development."

Shepard was warming up to this plan, and was about to say so when Kaidan spoke up like a bucket of icy water. "Hang on, you do realize you're suggesting an infiltration and extraction mission to the biggest hostile geth hub in the galaxy, just for information, right? _Without_ a geth ally this time around. Information, by the by, that they'd then consider compromised, even if the mission goes successfully. I'm assuming destroying the base is out of the question?" he pointed out shrewdly, and Tali made a clicking noise with her tongue that expressed displeased agreement. "Right. So, how are we doing this, then?"

"I say shoot our way in and go from there."

"Which is exactly why you're not in charge of planning missions, Vega," Ashley teased. "Going in without knowing the way back out is a terrible idea."

"I agree. I propose we shoot our way out too."

James guffawed at Shepard's words. "See? Listen to the woman actually in charge of planning."

"I'm just _saying_ , we did it once."

"I'll go with," Tali volunteered.

"Me too," Kaidan added predictably.

"So you're still not shooting your way anywhere, Vega."

"Who is shooting what?" Liara questioned, stepping inside the conference room where they were gathered. She looked tired, but also more at peace, like a weight had been removed from her shoulders.

Shepard cleared her throat and focused on the matter at hand. "Us. Geth."

"… Okay. Seems solid."

"You back?" Ashley said, redirecting the conversation. "All done with the Broker's base?"

"Yes, I believe I have sufficiently integrated EDI with his systems. I'll have Feron come look after the ship while I'm on the Normandy."

"No crashing it into Cerberus cruisers this time, then?" Joker joked.

A grin flashed across Liara's face briefly. "Only if I really have to. Or if I just wake up one day wanting to see a very large explosion."

"Good to know." Shepard patted a chair to her left. "Have a seat. You made good time, we've just finished working out a plan to touch base with Legion."

"Oh?"

Liara was brought up to speed, and in turn, the asari gave them a brief description of the kind of information, assets, and resources she could now bring to the table. It was a starkly incomplete list, but Shepard didn't probe further. Liara was the information broker, not Shepard. She'd know best how to deal in information.

"And about the Crucible, finally," the asari concluded, "I have good news. The Mars team has sent word. They've found our data. With the Shadow Broker's connections, I can make sure construction apparatus is rallied and set within a couple of days."

"Woah, hold on – shouldn't we coordinate this with the Council and the Alliance?" Ashley reminded quickly, before anyone could applaud the progress.

"Why?" Nihlus countered dismissively. "If we don't need them-"

"Of _course_ we need them," Shepard said wearily. "What do you think Liara's connections are for?"

The asari nodded slowly when everyone turned back to her. "I can't bypass galaxy authorities. My apologies if I didn't make that clear."

"Disappointing," Garrus said, and seemed to actually mean it. "But understandable."

"I also recommend involving the rachni in these efforts, Shepard," EDI suggested. Kaidan, who harbored an unreasonable level of dislike for spiders, pulled a striking face at that, but didn't offer a comment. "You'll want them brought into safe allied space in the event that they are captured again. And the geth, as soon as their assistance is available. Specter Kryik should also contact ExoGeni for their assistance."

Nihlus' forehead creased. "Really? _That_ counts as a favor I can cash in?"

"I did," Shepard piped up. "That colony ended up in some – interesting circumstances. This time around, I had Samara visit them for," she paused, mulling over her vocabulary, "legal advice." Tali snorted at her phrasing.

"Right. I'll be sure to keep in touch." He did not seem to require further information.

The meeting wound down quickly after that, and Shepard dismissed everyone except Liara. There were a few things left to wrap up, in her opinion, and the asari clearly agreed.

"Did you convince Thane to stay on the Normandy?" was her first question. "Will he join our efforts?"

"He will," Shepard agreed, and a pleased look flashed on Liara's expression. The asari produced a datapad from what Shepard would swear up and down was absolutely nowhere. "Up to answering a couple questions, finally?"

"Of course," Liara replied earnestly. "Go ahead and ask."

"For a start - how did you know the Shadow Broker would hire Thane?" Shepard asked. "I mean, beyond the – list thing. How-"

"He did it before. Not _Thane_ , specifically, but he hired an assassin."

"Ah."

"The Shadow Broker needed someone with no complicated ties to either me or himself, in case certain vulnerabilities were exposed to an assassin clever enough to make use of them. This job would get so close to his heart to almost touch him – he couldn't afford an extra push. So I made sure Thane was the last viable option. I created plenty of complicated ties." Shepard vehemently decided against requesting clarification, but Liara went on to elaborate regardless. "I performed personal favors, obtained sensitive information. Empty threats where appropriate. There was a kidnapping involved," she recalled off-handedly, and Shepard's horrified gaze snapped to her so fast, the cool facade fell. "No, nothing so terrible!" she added hastily. "It wasn't a child, it wasn't even a morally upstanding kind of person. And I was very accommodating. Krogan snap into blood rage so _easily_."

" _Liara…_ " Shepard groaned.

"I gave him _back_ ," she retorted defensively. "It was just for show. For the Broker's benefit. The krogan, he even understood when I explained. I think. He looked a bit glazed over the entire time."

"O- _kay_. Moving on. Are you feeling better now?"

Liara shrugged, slumping slightly in her seat. "What is it they say? Revenge solves nothing?"

"I didn't realize that's what this was about."

"Shepard, I don't know what it is about anymore. A lot was happening at once when I first got tangled up in the Broker's business." She stood unsteadily. "Revenge, grief, just general greediness, no matter how much I tell myself otherwise. I thought I was over and done with it, but- clearly, these feelings surface easily."

Alarmed, Shepard leaned forward. "Liara, I-"

The asari shook her head, silencing her. "If all I need to do to bury them again is rid the galaxy of the Broker, then it's done."

"And burying them is the best option?"

"Yes."

Shepard gave up. "Alright, Liara. I'm dropping it. I just need you to keep in mind I'm here if you need me."

Liara let out a heavy, wistful sigh. "I know. I thank the goddess for it every day. Don't worry. I'm fine. Let's focus on the reapers now – I won't take up any more time for this."

"You didn't take up time."

The asari patted Shepard's cheek. "You're too good for the terrible things that happen to you."

Amused, Shepard stood up too and resigned herself to the fact that the matter was settled. "I dunno. I do shoot a lot of people."

Liara's quiet laughter was the small comfort she wrangled out of it.

* * *

"I'm worried about Liara," Shepard announced to Kaidan, walking into her cabin. Somehow, he might be better audience than the asari for her concerns.

"What's wrong?"

She huffed and flopped onto the bed, where he scooched over to make room, putting away a datapad full of what was probably urgent information Shepard was supposed to deal with. "The Shadow Broker stuff."

"She's been different since she first got involved with him," Kaidan noted. "Not surprising, considering."

"Right. Different as in she's bottling up things that are upsetting her. She refuses to open up."

"Hmm," Kaidan said, sounding doubtful. "You know, I think I've come up with an alternative explanation." Shepard eyed him expectantly, so he cleared his throat. "Liara went through a lot, the years you were dead. I can't imagine what she must have been feeling throughout- well, I don't _want_ to imagine. Sometimes, I wish she'd told me, other times I thank god she didn't," he added on a tangent, before focusing back on the subject. "And maybe – maybe, she needed you then. I know I did," he murmured. "If you – if things had been different, maybe she'd be different now too."

Shepard withdrew her knees under her chin, tucking herself further against Kaidan. She was feeling small, like he was describing some specter of her that had been brought to life to deal in hypotheticals. "You all changed," she picked up where he'd left off. "That was one of the things that- it was like waking up in a different reality."

"Yeah. For me too."

"But not like her," she stubbornly insisted. "You changed, somewhat, sure. When I saw you, though," Shepard said, poking a finger against his chest, "I still recognized you. You didn't go away. A little sadder, a little graver, more confident, but it was still _you_ , underneath all that. The person I knew, I could still see it, clear as day. It was-" she struggled to find the words, and settled on gesturing vaguely around them. "It was still _easy_ , with you. Well, once we got past- y'know, Horizon."

"Grief does strange things to the way you see the world. Certain thoughts become petty and irrelevant." Kaidan placed a kiss on her shoulder. "So, I changed superficially," he continued, getting back on track, "but not Liara?"

"Not Liara," she confirmed. "All I could think, talking to her, was that she was about to burst into tears and just let me _help_. But she never did. I only got more and more frustrated, trying to talk to her without really understanding the problem."

Kaidan seemed to take a few silent moments to think, still balancing his chin on her shoulder. "Liara was once a person who would do that. Who needed you for that. Who could count on you to be her hero. But then – Shepard, you died," he pointed out, as gently as he could. "The only hero she had then was herself. Maybe she changed to make herself the kind of person to whom that was enough. She'd have broken otherwise."

"Yeah. I get that."

Kaidan shifted to lay back on the bed, and she fell on top of him, head on his chest. His arm wrapped around her, fingers getting lost in the mass of loose hair spilling down both of them and onto the sheets. The other hand found hers. "Think that's what you're seeing in her now?"

Shepard sighed and pressed her face further into his chest. "Yes. Maybe. I don't know. You're probably right."

"I don't think she'll go back now, Shepard," he advised comfortingly. "But that doesn't have to be a bad thing."

"I know," she mumbled. A meditative peace was falling over her, locked in a bubble with Kaidan like this, a stolen moment removed from wars or grieving friends. "I wish I could always be there for people when they need me." Shepard winced immediately at the way that had come out. "I just mean – if there are going to be expectations, you'd hope I could at least meet them."

"Of course. Could be argued dying was your fault." The fact that she could identify hurt among the derisiveness added extra punch to the words.

"You know what I meant."

"I do. I love you for it. Please don't make it the reason I lose you."

Shepard tensed, and could tell he'd felt it. "You won't lose me."

Kaidan let out a long breath. " _I_ need you too," he told her tersely, knowingly selfish. She closed her eyes. It was a dirty trick, but she wasn't immune. "So please – keep that in mind."

She uncoiled herself from him, crawling up to his face for a kiss. "You won't lose me," she promised again. "I swear."

His hand covered hers where it was pressed up against his cheek. "You better mean that. We're halfway to the finish line and this is where it gets nasty."

"No catching our breath from here to the end," she agreed. "It'll be alright, though," she vowed. "It will."

It didn't much matter if he believed her or not, in the end – he was always going to kiss her feverishly like every chance was precious, and she was always going to respond in kind. If Liara had needed to cling to her commander to make sense of every truth collapsing around them, this was what Shepard held onto instead.

Having Kaidan in her life, feeding off each other's support, kept her sane every time she faced a new horror. It reminded her what she could come back to, if she just kept putting one foot after the other, one breath and one bullet at a time.

Lately, it'd taken on even broader dimensions – if she could see this war through, if she could step out on the other side, she could have a life full of things dreamed up for other people. Things Shepard rescued for others, things she'd never thought to get for herself.

She didn't have to end her life a corpse among martyr graves, she didn't have to do this for everyone else only. Kaidan had wandered along and offered her more, grabbed hold of her arm before she could rush over the precipice. An anchor that promised air instead of drowning her. Shepard hadn't ever realized she could want something so desperately.

She told him later, like revealing a secret. It was safe now, in this new life she'd somehow been gifted. She'd had a thought, back on Virmire, when Ashley was dead and Saren was stupid, and Sovereign was lighting her up in red. Shepard didn't know how, when or where – after the bomb exploded and her sister with it, left behind as though she were dispensable (never, ever, three years later, Shepard had still felt her loss keenly like a punch to the gut), on the Normandy flying away from what they'd done – she realized she wouldn't live to see the end of this fight. That no matter how it went, she wasn't going to walk away.

It wasn't a premonition and most of the time, she could put it out of her mind. Certainly, it hadn't stopped her from getting far too involved with Alenko, hadn't stopped her from cruelly allowing his hopeful and intense attachment. It was a fact she'd hardly entertained until she was feeling Anderson's life wasting away against her shoulder. It was easy to keep everyone else afloat, _chin up, soldier_ , it was easy to lie and deal in promises meant to save them, whatever she felt inside.

But now she was here, and she needed Kaidan to understand the feeling had gone away. That helping people – helping Liara – was the task ahead before she could help herself. This time, she would. _That_ was what she meant when she told him he wouldn't lose her. Every fight was as much for her benefit as it was for the people she helped.

He didn't have much to say to that – kissed her forehead and told her to sleep, both arms around her in a vice grip.

Shepard complied. She couldn't convince him how this would end, but she could keep him close for comfort.


	17. strange bedfellows

"Shepard," Garrus called, passing her in the CIC, "I need a minute. You're gonna wanna hear this."

Shepard handed her datapad to Robert, dismissing him, and followed Garrus to the nearest interface terminal. "Something up?"

"It's about Grunt," he said, pulling up information from a database she recognized as being shared by him, Liara, Tali, and Shepard herself. "This is stuff I took from the mercs back on Omega. Stolen data, intercepted transmissions, the works. I passed it to Liara, and she went through it. In the Blue Sons' files, she came up with this."

"'Korlus facility prep completed. Project set to begin tomorrow. Okeer arrival ETA thirteen hours'," Shepard read out loud. "Aw, hell."

"Pretty much," he agreed. "So, wanna set up an ethics committee to settle this?"

" _I'm_ an ethics committee," she grumbled. "Or at least I play one on the vids. Let's just – break this up before the Blue Suns get a krogan army. We'll figure out what to do about Okeer and Grunt later. When was this message sent out?"

"A couple of weeks ago," he reported. "So this is like, a good tree weeks overdue."

"Yeah, I got it. Joker, Korlus," she ordered, trusting she'd be heard. "I need to be there yesterday."

" _You know, that kinda statement loses a bit of impact when you consider-_ "

EDI cut his feed before he could announce time-travel facts to the entire ship.

Ever since Saren, it seemed like everything began happening at once. An avalanche of missions she hadn't been able to pre-emptively deal with started cropping up every which way, and this one was just a particularly prescient example. All the little things that propped up the coming war were starting to matter, and Shepard needed a hand in all of them if she was going to be in complete control of the battlefield.

Mordin and Thane were introduced to her ship in the middle of this flurry of activity, and as she expected of them, fit into the fray like a well-oiled machine. Thane even struck up an unlikely friendship with Liara and Nihlus, which Shepard would do damage control for at some point in the far, far future.

For his part, Mordin found a niche in the medbay that Dr. Chakwas ceded to him, claiming there was more than enough space for both of them. He took this to heart, and performed one-man renovations on his space to make it nigh unrecognizable. Everyone else, by which Shepard meant Chakwas and herself, took it in stride, and mentally readjusted the safety rating of receiving medical care aboard the Normandy.

The first time Shepard walked in, she paused to take in the multicolored vials and new, twisted technological contraptions she wouldn't allow near her worst enemy with a ten-foot pole. Karen took the opportunity to pat her shoulder and dash out, leaving Shepard feeling like she'd just been passed a torch.

"That was fast, setting up your lair," she said, poking a flat, shiny, useless-looking sheet of metal to her left. It came to life under her finger, lighting up in fluorescent yellows and whites, and she took several steps back. "Won't touch anything else, got it," she admonished herself quickly before Mordin could, taking note of the look on his face.

"Would appreciate it," he deadpanned tightly. "Dr. Chakwas has been accommodating."

"I can see that," she said, looking around and deciding against mentioning the woman's hasty retreat. "You need all this for the reapers?"

He blinked at her. "Need all this _always_."

"Right."

He walked around his station to stand in front of her tentatively. "Have question for you, actually. If you find it opportune."

"Shoot," she replied, intrigued.

"Allowed me in your ship with hardly an inquiry. Normal procedure for strangers you run across in places like Omega?"

Shepard's lips twitched. "Sure. If it's the right stranger."

Mordin looked supremely unconvinced. "Oh? Trust easily. Words can be empty."

"So can actions. And yet here we are."

He considered that. "Strange ideologies for a warmonger. Will keep in mind."

Well, that was insulting, she thought, perching on Chakwas' counter. "I'm _not_ a warmonger. The one thing I want most out of this is _peace_."

"Of course," he agreed, surprised. "Meant no offense. Perhaps _warrior_ more appropriate moniker."

"… Better."

He peered at her curiously. "Strange bedfellows. No concerns?"

"Regrets are idle," she quoted back. "I'm here to _do_ something, not talk about it."

That statement clearly interested him, but he didn't pursue it. "But not reckless."

"Is that what I am?"

"You don't think so. Curious."

"It is? You seem to think I should be worried. Are you such a terrible person, Dr. Solus?"

Mordin smiled at her, guarded. "Am I? Would be a comfort to think the answer comes in the question."

"It's my firm belief that it does. That it's all there is."

He looked impressed and gratified by that. "You employ wisdom beyond knowledge."

"Maybe I just have more knowledge than you think."

That brought a suspicious expression to his face, but it went away quickly. "Possible. Fascinating hypothesis. Perhaps you would stop by to discuss it once in a while."

"My pleasure." She dropped back down and stretched. "Knowledge and sharing and all that. Seems like a good idea."

"You enjoy challenging."

"Enjoy being challenged, too," she pointed out. "Ideas hardly fit in a box forever."

"No. They do not."

On that note, she departed, noticing him turn his back to her with a thoughtful if distracted look on his face.

The road not taken, and all the irony therein attached. Mattering so little that no one else noticed, or mattering so much that the choice got rolled back in a freak not-accident. Mordin was back to his pre-Maelon mindset.

Whatever. This was what Shepard was good at. She shook her head and walked away.

* * *

Shepard's head always swam a bit after talking with Mordin, so she decided going down to the cargo hold was a good way to numb it down. Besides, Joker announced it shouldn't be long until they landed. It was as good a time as any to prepare herself. Kaidan was caught up in some expense report anyway, and she was happy enough to leave him to it, lest he pointedly suggest she take over in annoyance.

It seemed everyone on the ship was just extra busy after their break. Vega, for instance, was swamped with trying to decide what to call Mordin, as his name was apparently unsatisfactory. Ashley had gone down to the cargo hold to check over her weapons before heading out with Shepard, and this was his idea of keeping her company.

"He sings, maybe there's something there?" James wondered out loud. "Nah, the singing is a joke in itself. The speech? Too easy. Salarians have a _bunch_ of stereotypes, how am I having trouble with this?" he muttered.

Ashley frowned through a scope. "How come you don't have a nickname for me?" she asked, the offense apparently just occurring to her.

He glanced at her, breaking out of his reverie. "We've been through this, remember? Maybe not, you were plastered." Ashley adopted a violent poise, so he grinned nervously and walked it back, because she was holding a pistol. "I like your name."

" _Alright, kids, I'm stopping the car to leave you on the side of the road,_ " was Joker's way of telling them they'd arrived. " _Buckle down_."

Steve got into the Kodiak and Shepard called up Mordin. Ashley pressed forward without further comment when she and her sniper rifle were waved over too, the conversation with James apparently finished.

"Alright, so the plan is to shut this down but not really?" the chief said while they waited for their scientist salarian, as a way to request clarification. "I get the chase-the-mercs-off-orbit part, but I'm fuzzy on the rest."

"At the very least, we're taking over from the Blue Suns. Keep it ethical." Shepard hesitated, unsure of the plan herself. "I don't wanna just shut it all down. That'd metaphorically kill a friend before he even exists."

"I get how that would feel shitty. Still, Shepard – I don't much care for this idea."

"Me either. Not planning to run a lab of experiments on krogan. Wrex would kill me."

"Well, he'd try. And I like Wrex, so let's not do that."

Shepard pulled a face and grabbed a hand strap, watching Mordin climb inside. "So – objective: find Okeer. Run the mercs off the place while we're at it. We're keeping the mad scientist alive," she stressed, only sparing half a glance to their own mad scientist to make sure he hadn't been offended, "so stay sharp and double-check your targets."

"Do you normally _not_ double-check your targets?" Steve interjected from the front of the car, sounding genuinely alarmed.

Shepard jammed a thumb in his direction without turning back, keeping a straight face. "You double-check 'em like Cortez is out there judging you."

Ashley snickered and Mordin glanced at the pilot with a blank look on his face. "Believe Shepard is emphasizing a point," he reassured. "Won't shoot you by accident."

"Damn right, only on purpose."

"Not giving you a warning when we leave orbit. I hope you fall flat on your face," Steve huffed in jest over Ashley's laughter. "Hold on, gravity fluctuations. Get yourselves secure."

"That sounded suspiciously like a warning, Cortez."

"Just remember I've got all the power, Williams," he replied playfully. "Don't push it."

* * *

The Blue Suns commander in charge of the project, Jedore, didn't seem to be on sight when they hit the dirt. Shepard vaguely remembered she was happy enough to clog up the comm. channel with her ranting, so the fact that she couldn't be heard straight away was strange.

More importantly, there were no tank-bred krogan anywhere, even after Shepard had made significant progress inside the facility, straight through several groups of mercs caught off-guard by the sudden invasion. Eventually, one of them had the presence of mind and opportunity to alert their leader, at which point a shrill female voice began issuing orders and demanding Shepard's head. This was more familiar.

Apart from the lack of krogan enemies, the mission progressed in much the same way from then on out. Shepard cleared the facility before approaching their mark, this time – there was no need to further complicate the discussion they were about to have. Jedore went down as easily as last time, which is to say, not easily at all. Ashley, who normally would not issue a peep in complaint to save her life, was left grumbling about mercs getting access to high-level shielding prototypes from corrupt politicians in Arcturus Station, nursing the chafed wrist that she'd fallen on.

"The next time they start talking about supporting the troops, you're gonna lemme at 'em, Shepard."

"No."

Okeer greeted them with far more suspicion and alarm, in an entirely different stage of development than he'd been in the first time Shepard had met him through Cerberus. Ultimately, however, he didn't much care what happened to the Blue Suns beyond who provided his funding and facilities.

Liara was quick to establish a foothold in that regard, via the terminal's comm. system.

" _The Shadow Broker can provide you with far more extensive resources, not to mention added legitimacy,_ " she proposed.

"The Shadow Broker, huh?" he questioned, intrigued. He spared Shepard a glance. "And here I was thinking this was an Alliance Commander."

" _Commander Shepard is working on behalf of several entities. The Council, the Alliance and the Shadow Broker all feel confident to rely on her to direct her most heartfelt efforts for the benefit of the people in this galaxy, and enlist her assistance accordingly._ "

Now the krogan looked amused. "Really? Does the Council – or the Alliance, for that matter – also see it that way?"

" _Do they have to?_ "

That provoked a short, barking laugh out of Okeer. "And what does the Broker want with me and this project?"

" _I'm sure you don't need to know that. Only that you have the Shadow Broker's unconditional support in the endeavor._ "

Okeer appeared to weigh the pros and cons of this arrangement for several seconds, before he reached a conclusion. "Seems reasonable. I'm not completely witless, however. What kind of oversight are you going to be demanding?"

" _Only in so far as ethics concerns can be appropriately addressed. Dr. Mordin Solus can-_ "

"If you think I'm letting a salarian get within a lightyear of my project, you've got another thing coming."

"Am far closer than a light-year at this point. Should rethink statement."

With that, Okeer and Mordin were instantly locked in a staring contest. Shepard cleared her throat. "Dr. Okeer. What you're doing here – is a salarian scientist not the perfect first witness to your 'Grunt'?" she tested. "The first person to whom you can show what the krogan are capable of doing and overcoming. To see the genophage ignored."

Mordin was clearly intensely distasteful of this idea, and Okeer only seemed marginally invested. "I appreciate imagery and symbolism as much as the next krogan, Shepard," he growled, which left her with some cognitive dissonance on whether she should read irony in his words. "But I'll not gamble my legacy on trusting a salarian scientist."

" _You will if you want the Broker's investment,_ " Liara snapped sharply.

Okeer turned back to the terminal slowly, taking in her unforgiving expression with far less ease than before. "Well, now that you've left me no choice," he said humorlessly, gesturing around at the bodies littering the facility, "how can I refuse?"

The asari nodded once and disconnected, which left Shepard alone withstanding the sudden quiet. "And who was she, then?" the krogan asked, subdued and undeniably angry. "The Shadow Broker's glorified secretary?"

"Something like that," Ashley replied, hand fingering her pistol like she was ready to be attacked at any moment. "Don't dwell on it."

"If you order me to, I certainly won't. That's the point, isn't it?"

Shepard decided to put a stop to the dangerous road they were riding down. "You can keep in touch with Mordin via regular reports. I'll let you two work out how you'll deal with it."

"And how will that constitute ethical oversight, then?"

"Because if he tells me you're doing something I don't like, I'll come down here to let you know. Explicitly."

"I see. Should I know what it is you don't like, Shepard?" His tone was mocking, but the expression on his face was daring her to challenge him.

"I don't want a krogan army running wild in this facility," she said quietly. This caught his attention, probably because he hadn't expected her to work out where his experiments were heading. (She hadn't exactly 'worked it out' as much as she had privileged information, but he didn't need to know that.) "You don't have the means to deal with them. You want to run tests? You use a simulation. The first prototype you make is the last. Is this clear?"

"That has a much, much larger error margin," Okeer argued. "Inviable. My specimens-"

"I'm not giving you a choice, Okeer," Shepard interrupted impatiently. "I'm telling you what you'll be doing. You can always choose not to do anything at all."

"Have many useful simulation models. Can adapt for relevant purposes," Mordin offered, expertly avoiding mentioning what these models had been developed for.

"No thanks. I'll stick to apples I grew myself, less of a chance to get poisoned," Okeer sneered.

"One more thing," Shepard added, diffusing the situation. "I hear you have any more contact with the collectors, and I'll kill you myself." Well, diffuse it in _one_ sense.

"Huh," the scientist said, surprised. "Personal grudge?"

"You really have zero grasp of the concept of ethics, don't you?" Ashley piped up, astonished.

"The Broker's people will be arriving at this facility shortly. They'll leave you to it and maintain a foothold here. Don't forget your every move is being watched," was the statement Shepard decided to depart with.

Mordin lasted only long enough to feign neutrality before voicing his displeasure, making the walk back out of the facility largely silent. She couldn't tell if it was anger, guilt, a conflicting combination of both, or if he was just trying to figure out the best way to call her a moron. Either way, she approved – later rather than sooner, that was always how she looked at these things.

Eventually, though, aboard the shuttle on their way to the Normandy, he straightened his shoulders. "Have constructed uneasy partnership with grudging krogan warlord. Not Alliance, Council sanctioned. Not conscientious. Wise?" was his only comment.

"Say what now?" Steve wondered, having overheard.

"Dunno about wise. Necessary. Even despite how much I don't like it." She glanced at her pilot behind her. "Okeer should provide a powerful ally." An expression of understanding came over Cortez's face, and he fell silent.

"We could use those," Ashley added helpfully.

Mordin was far from convinced. "Expect me to do what, concretely?"

"Exactly what I said. Oversight."

"Not impede him?"

"I don't think so."

"Genophage in place for a reason."

"A terrible reason."

Mordin narrowed his eyes and nodded curtly. Shepard took that to mean their conversation was finished.

As soon as they landed and the salarian exited in a rush, Ashley arched an eyebrow at her, hanging back to put away their gear.

"So, do _you_ know what Liara was thinking? No offense to Mordin, but uh – gotta say, if I'm looking for an ethics supervisor, not my first pick. Or second, third, fourth-"

Shepard interrupted, of the opinion that the chief's point had been made. "No, I don't. In fact, it seems like the right way to make sure there's sabotage in the development."

"But you let it happen?"

"I've been wrong before. And if I'm not mistaken, Liara did it because she has faith it'll work as an eye-opener. I'm not usually the cynic, so I'm letting the theory stand."

Ashley shook her head, amazed. "I swear, half of what you accomplish constitutes gambling."

"And I _still_ consistently lose to Vega at cards."

"Everyone loses to Vega at cards," the chief comforted, carefully disassembling her rifle. "Just don't tell him I said that."

" _She doesn't need to_ ," James shouted from a ways to their left, grinning broadly.

Ashley grimaced, and Shepard shrugged unconcernedly, putting away the last of her equipment. "If it's any consolation, I'm pretty sure he knew already."

* * *

Mordin seemed to avoid Shepard for a while after that. Whether he was doing some soul-searching or simply unwilling to deal with her judgement – which she wouldn't specifically subject him to until he brought up his work on the genophage himself – was anyone's guess, but Shepard left him to it for both their sakes. He couldn't do any real damage to Grunt from the Normandy, she reasoned, after all, he was only receiving reports.

Meanwhile, efforts around the war prep continued. Shepard's inner circle was locked day in and out in arguments over how to proceed on the geth mission, over which the only thing they all agreed on was that it needed extensive planning. Shepard didn't really see the point. It would end up being a lot of geth versus her, a gun, two squadmates and _their_ guns, and that was it.

It kept them busy, at any rate. Either way, everyone was further occupied with more minor aspects of the fight ahead, like resource collection and distribution, so the delay was convenient. Establishing (morally dubious) contacts like Okeer was an important step, after all.

One early morning, Kaidan was following her around and harassing her about some council report that needed her specific attention for some reason (" _You're literally going to have to do a vid-call with an asari ambassador over this, Shepard, just read it,_ please _._ "), when the two of them walked into engineering to witness one such argument. Or so she thought, until she noticed EDI was involved, and EDI didn't argue. It was an established presumption for everyone that she was always right.

" _I disagree, Engineer Adams. Evidence suggests there's a strong possibility this is not an innocuous irregularity on her part._ "

Adams threw his hands in the air. "It's been a few hours! I'm sure she slips up once in a while, she's human."

"Only technically," Tali said under her breath.

"What's going on?" Shepard asked, frowning around at the group of engineers gathered in a circle. "Who's slipping up on what?"

" _It's Ms. Lawson, Shepard. I have had no success in any attempts to contact her for some time_."

"Hours," Adams insisted.

"It's been a day," Ken corrected. "And at least eight reports."

"Okay, slow down," Kaidan requested. "Start from the beginning."

"Miranda is ignoring us, Shepard," Tali said. "And that's unusual."

Gabby cleared her throat and elaborated. "We kept in touch with her after the renovations to the Normandy, you know, for upkeep. Reporting functionality figures and unexpected changes, that sort of thing, for analysis' sake," she explained. "Making sure everyone's always on top of the ship so we can _keep_ it in top shape."

"But something's changed."

"The reports, she's not acknowledging them anymore," Ken confirmed worriedly. "Normally, I expect her to be short, it's Miranda. But this is more a matter of protocol. She's never short on protocol."

" _Miranda's extranet activity has suffered significant decrease over the course of the last few days, Shepard,_ " EDI continued. " _It was practically reduced to communication with people on this ship. Yesterday, it stopped entirely._ "

Adams didn't seem to be able to hold his opinion back any longer. "She's a _Cerberus operative_. No offense, Commander, but that's one contact I didn't expect we'd be having," he said apologetically. "Do we really trust her enough for this circus?"

Shepard waved him off. "None taken, Adams. As it happens, however, I do trust her," she rebutted. "She's a mole inside Cerberus. I've explained this to you."

Adams didn't seem to be up to the fight, backing off warily. "Yes, ma'am."

"We need to find her," Tali said, in a tone that brokered no argument.

Shepard was about to agree, only mostly out of an urge to calm Tali down, when EDI interrupted them, voice considerably more stressed than just a few seconds earlier. " _Shepard, there's an urgent transmission coming in from a May Lance._ "

"What?" Shepard replied, confused. Kaidan frowned distastefully at the comm. output system relaying EDI's voice. "This isn't a good time."

" _I believe you'll want to listen to what she has to say._ " EDI's tone was peculiar but convincing.

Shepard groaned helplessly, so Kaidan stepped up. "I'll take the call."

That was such a terrible idea that it snapped Shepard out of the woe-is-me mindset. " _No_ , I'll go take care of it, just- stay here," she ordered.

She left for the comm. room unchallenged. Inside, May was waiting as an impatient holo, clicking her tongue when Shepard made her appearance. " _Finally._ "

Shepard gave her an unimpressed look that only served to amuse her. "This is urgent? I'm in the middle of a situation-"

The holo cut her off in what Shepard chose to interpret as an attempt to save time. " _You know the terrorist organization bitch you got me involved with? She's in trouble. I need your help if you wanna help_ her _._ "

She now had Shepard's full attention. "If you're talking about Miranda, we're looking for her. She dropped off the radar. You know where she is?" Which was convenient. And weirdly timed to perfection. Miranda had a hand in this for sure, Shepard decided.

" _Yeah. Cerberus is a nasty one. Not surprised you thought we'd be a good match._ " May's jokes were falling flat with only an agitated Shepard for an audience, so she carried on more seriously. " _Their main base. Last I heard, her plan was to storm it. I'm supposed to be the cavalry, but not without explicit instructions. Your sort of thing, right? I pass you the coordinates, you shoot some people, problem solved?_ "

"EDI, set a course to this location," Shepard ordered, gesturing for May to upload the data for the AI. "Joker, double time."

" _Aye aye, boss lady. ETA fifty minutes._ "

"Stand ready, Lance, don't go anywhere. I don't know we won't need cavalry." Plus, Shepard had questions. Hopefully either May or Miranda would be able to answer them.

" _That's sweet and modest of you,_ " May replied, sugary sarcastic. At the look on Shepard's face, she cleared her throat and forced out a straight face, waving her off. " _Sure, sure. I'll be around._ "

She blinked out and Shepard exited the room, making a direct path down to the cargo hold, where her orders had clearly disseminated, from the way her crew was scrambling. Steve was climbing inside their shuttle already, so Shepard made for the weapon's rack.

"EDI, get Alenko and Vakarian down here asap, please. Tell them to come ready for deployment."

" _Yes, Shepard._ "

* * *

May's coordinates led them straight to Cronus Station, and Shepard hadn't exactly been prepared for that. She cursed Miranda and her need to launch an outright assault on Cerberus' headquarters without bothering to warn anyone.

Kaidan found it even less amusing, glaring around as the ground team landed in the shuttle bay. Cortez took off immediately, scrambling to make the shuttle disappear from hostile sights and fire – the factor of surprise counted for little, in this case, because a hurricane – Shepard decided to name it Miranda – had clearly passed through already.

"We're late to the party," Garrus quipped as they took cover, somewhat insensitive to Alenko's mood.

"At least half of them are dead already," Kaidan said, a half-hearted attempt to put his misgivings aside. Shepard appreciated it. "And they're just regular guards. No husk-inspired indoctrination creepiness this time around."

"Garrus, sniper, back up to the left. Stay there," Shepard ordered. "Kaidan, with me."

She didn't have a chance to move for herself. " _Watch out_ ," Kaidan said sharply, and that was all she heard before he bodily slammed into her against sturdier, taller cover. "You okay?"

"Perfect. Thanks. Sniper?" she asked, only a little short of breath. He nodded, face inches from her, and then straightened carefully, wincing. She pulled him further behind safety. "Up there, on the balcony just ahead. No," he corrected himself with a cursive glance, "to the right."

"Can you pull her into Garrus' sight?"

" _I'm good for a shot if you need me._ "

Kaidan poked his head around the corner briefly, and shook his head. "I can pull her into _yours_ ," he suggested, eyeing her from the corner of his eye. She switched weapons and got on her knees. "On your order."

"Do it," she said, peeking through the scope.

"Off you go."

Everything progressed very quickly after that. There was no need to cut a way in through the wall, or through anywhere really, because there was no longer a wall where one should have been. The structural damage to the place was severe. They pressed forward through the station in good time, casually providing EDI with wireless access at various points and interfaces. Their path was littered with what Kaidan confidently identified as a trail of biotic destruction, which gave Shepard pause. Miranda didn't leave messes of this magnitude.

Nevertheless, the perpetrator was long gone, having cleared a way that was only relatively free enough of Cerberus forces to be able to pass in a pinch. Whoever it was, they were trying to get to the heart of the station, not exactly wipe it clean – Shepard wasn't yet sure whether that was a good or a bad thing.

They took care of the soldiers left behind, who didn't put up much of a fight from the way they were depleted. Shepard passed a lot of areas that, in a different lifetime, had been repurposed. There was no Lazarus this time, nor EDI's construction, nor an embryo reaper corpse – a lot of empty space that, she thought, with a sudden vicious pang of emotion, never needed to be filled.

Quickly enough, they were struggling with the last group. "Commander, I got two shielded hostiles on my left, can you overload?" Kaidan shouted, discharging a reave in the direction of an engineer whose shields were faltering, right behind Garrus.

The turian swiveled to shoot him once at point blank, and Shepard used her overload and her pistol to shoot Kaidan's nuisance twice in the head. For his part, Kaidan set his sights on the second one, and the Cerberus soldier fell easily, leaving them slightly out of breath as the room settled. They were standing in some random lab – a bottleneck to the center of the station in their path – full of what might have been important, expensive – possibly dangerous – material and equipment, and was now a hoarding pile of somewhat soggy scrap metal.

Just as Shepard began considering putting her pistol away, one last head popped up from behind cover unexpectedly, but, before they could do anything about it, a shot sounded, originating from what was definitely not one of their weapons. The Cerberus soldier crumpled out of sight.

The shape of a woman emerged from the shadows, clad in clothing so constraining that it left Shepard short of breath just looking at her. Garrus made a noise of recognition, mind clearly focused on much more relevant matters. Shepard shook her head and stepped forward.

" _Miranda_!"

"Shepard," she greeted, looking entirely too pleased with herself. She stepped over a corpse, walking over to them. "As you can see, I've just taken over Cerberus. Thank you for your assistance."

"You did _what_?!"

"Well – almost. The all-mighty is still running around, somewhere. He won't get far. I've disabled all viable escape routes."

" _This is true, Shepard,_ " EDI advised in her ear. " _And that means you too. You need to resolve this situation before the lockdown allows you to evacuate._ " Lovely.

Kaidan threw his hands in the air. He looked pissed. "And we couldn't have been briefed about this beforehand?! I thought you'd told Shepard this _wasn't_ about being a lone wolf! This is Cerberus _headquarters_."

Shepard just crossed her arms, staring at her expectantly. Miranda shrugged. "I was having trouble rooting through all the trash. At some point, I stopped trusting any form of communication that wasn't in person. I'm sorry." She permitted herself a self-satisfied smirk. "But it paid off."

Shepard rolled her eyes and finally strapped up her weapon. "Why is it that every time we run into you, you've just single-handedly done something-" she struggled to find appropriate words.

"That comes right off your playbook?" Miranda suggested, and Kaidan covered up a snort with a cough despite himself.

Shepard had no response to that, so Garrus stepped up. "So, uh – you've taken over a terrorist organization? Yay?"

Miranda scoffed. "Don't be ridiculous. It's not going to stay a terrorist organization. It's not even going to keep its name. I've always found it distasteful."

"Yeah, the problem with Cerberus has really always been what they're called."

Miranda arched an eyebrow at Kaidan. "No, but names matter anyway. Why do you think your fiancée's name is plastered anywhere they can get her to agree to?"

"Uh – his what?" Garrus asked at the same time that Joker's incredulous voice said, " _Fi-what now?!_ "

Miranda gave it a moment's pause, gaze travelling to Shepard's face. "Oh. Oops?"

"Stop hacking my ship," Shepard said this time, solving the problem by avoiding Garrus' eyes and ignoring Joker in her ear. If contradicting their own senses worked for the Council, it had to work for her.

"I actually didn't. EDI wouldn't have made that possible. You're just very terrible at keeping secrets from people who aren't completely oblivious."

Garrus made a noise in protest at the slight and Kaidan spoke up with his arms crossed. "So are you, apparently."

"I – can't argue that, it seems. I apologize."

Shepard coughed loudly to shift the conversation's focus before it turned awkward. "Not to overtly change the subject, but there's one last loose end that needs tying."

"The Illusive Man."

"He's bolted with his tail between his legs like a coward," Miranda explained, just as eager to move on to a different topic. "I intend to hunt him down."

Shepard nodded. "I'm with you. You two," she said, turning to Kaidan and Garrus, "stay here covering this exit. He comes your way, you let us know."

They both assented at the orders and took up defensive positions while Shepard followed Miranda through the door. "Where are we going first?"

"We're cornering him," Miranda explained, as they turned corner after corner. "The tighter we make the area where he can run, the easier it is to keep him in one place. And at the center of this facility is his office. He'll end up there one way or another."

"That's-"

Shepard never completed her sentence, as they both stopped abruptly in the middle of a hallway, probably sensing the same thing. They exchanged a glance and in one swift move had their pistols trained on a biotic who'd all but materialized behind them.

"Woah, chill out, there, wonder women," Jack requested through a grin. "I promise I'll be good."

Shepard put away her weapon, snorting. "Did you have to make that kinda entrance?"

Jack held out her arm for a fist bump. "I _always_ have to make an entrance." Laughing, Shepard complied.

Miranda _tsk_ 'ed disapprovingly. "You could have kept your comm. on, you know." She seemed to want to add something else, but pressed her lips together in a thin line instead.

"Aw, don't tell me you were worried about me, cheerleader. I'm touched." Jack chanced Shepard a glance when her words were met with no reaction. "Besides, I was having fun. You're just too controlling sometimes. Probably would have kept me from blowing up a few structural key points. _Kidding_ ," she added, smirking, when that _did_ elicit a proper reaction. "Probably."

Shepard just shook her head. "We need to keep moving. Running out of time."

Miranda checked her pistol's ammo and rolled her shoulders. "Ready when you are."

Shepard turned to the tattooed biotic and arched an eyebrow at her. "I'm a man down, Jack."

Jack grinned. "Good thing I'm worth two of those. We on the Illusive Man's ass?" Miranda nodded once, and Jack beamed. " _Excellent_."

* * *

"We're nearly there. That's the door to his hideout. There's nowhere else he could be."

Shepard aimed a true shot at some grunt's heart when he peeked out of cover at the wrong moment. He collapsed instantly, and noticing no more immediate threats, the three of them left cover, sweeping the area with their pistols out for stragglers.

"We've met very little resistance," Shepard pointed out dubiously, glancing around a corner at an empty hallway. "Are you sure about this?"

"Quite sure. There's a reason for the lack of men. I hired an external entity to assist me with this."

" _Also_ , I'm a great help," Jack piped up, but Miranda feigned deafness.

"You mean May."

Miranda confirmed Shepard's assumptions. "Your 'Reds' gang. Thank you for May Lance's contact. They proved invaluable. The Illusive Man dismisses such organized petty crime, he doesn't see what they could offer. It was an outside force I could – and did – take advantage of," Miranda explained. "She was quick to grab onto the opportunity to bring them off-planet. When your name came up, she all but put three-quarters of them at my disposal."

"They're good kids in shitty situations. She's trying to steer them in the right direction."

That earned Shepard a curious little smile. "Your empathy is revealing. You'd understand better than most, of course. Did she do that for you as well?" Shepard shook her head, but before she could say something else in reply, Miranda kept going. "No, I didn't think so. If anything, she seemed to look to you as an inspiration."

"For better or worse."

Miranda considered that for a few seconds before discarding it. "So who _did_ nudge you in this direction, Commander?"

Shepard shrugged when she realized she didn't have an answer to that question. "No one."

"Right. You're the one who nudges."

"No. She's the one who doesn't need anyone or anything besides herself," Jack corrected, breaking her silent vigil while kicking away a rifle from a dead body. "Born with everything she needs, doesn't take shit from no one because she's stronger than them all." She glanced at Miranda. "You'd think you'd relate, cheerleader. Isn't that your thing? I'm in control of my own life, blah blah blah, self-sufficient, blah blah blah, trust issues?"

"Do you have _any_ idea how ironic that is, coming from you?" Miranda shot back instantly, staggered. "How does anyone lack self-awareness to this degree?"

"Well, at least _I_ don't hide behind work and fancy words. I say what I mean."

"I don't know how many times I have to tell you, having vocabulary more extensive than a ten-year-old is not using 'fancy words'. And you're right, of course. You hide behind violence and psychotic breaks instead."

"So do you!"

"Yes, the three of us are so alike deep down, it's touching," Shepard intervened before anyone else could. The two biotics started like they'd forgotten she was there. "People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, ladies. Be quiet."

"They don't make houses out of glass, Shepard," Jack protested in rebellion, but her lips were twitching amusedly.

"Jack, sh-"

"Woah, _watch it_!"

Jack's exclamation was followed by a Cerberus soldier charging straight at Miranda, clearly as a last desperate act to get out of his situation alive. Shepard shoved her out of the way just in time, and Jack made sure the man tripped directly into a singularity field instead.

"Was that the last of them?" Shepard asked, leaving Jack to it.

"I would tentatively say yes, Commander."

"Oh, let's just knock on the bastard's door, shall we?" Jack said, taking the initiative.

The door to the very fancy office was slammed open in blue. Whether Jack was angry enough that her kick tore down every bit of security that entrance may have entailed, or the Illusive Man just had supreme confidence in his small army up to that point, Shepard didn't know, but they marched in opposed only by a disapproving expression on the Cerberus leader's face.

He was sitting at his desk, a clear attempt at projecting an aura of calm and control that was bellied by the trail of destruction behind the three women.

"Miranda. Of course." He put out a cigarette butt like he always did when he was dramatically stalling. Possibly he was stalling for his own life instead, this time. "It seems your loyalties shift with the wind, don't they?"

She shrugged, pistol pointed carelessly and unerring between his eyes. "You've never held my loyalty. I think I was just waiting around for someone to claim it. Value of having friends, Jack."

That messed with him. Shepard didn't know how Miranda figured out the man's name – even as she thought it, however, Liara's face came to mind – but she was only there to keep her weapon steady and be quiet, so that's all she did.

"What, the psycho terrorist's called Jack?" (their) Jack, who had no such qualms, complained. "That's so-"

"Ironic, out-of-place, disconcertingly common, and weirdly fitting? I totally agree," Miranda assented. She got a glare for her troubles.

"You know, I've been suspicious of all your _ideas_ lately, but honest-to-god, getting that one involved with us should have been my red flag," the Illusive Man said with a sigh, flicking his head in Jack's direction. "The least believable plan you've come up with so far."

" _My_ plans haven't failed yet," Miranda reminded. "Can't say the same for yours."

"True," he agreed. "What did you promise her? Money?" He turned to Jack, who was now leisurely taking in the interior design with a look of disgust on her face. "I can pay you more."

That caught Jack's attention, but only because it made her crack up laughing. "Would you believe I'm doing this pro-bono? _Hey_ , should I be asking for compensation?" she demanded of Miranda in a sudden shift to a conversational tone.

Miranda's lips twitched. "Find yourself a union once we're done here. Then we can talk."

"Will do," she replied, turning to the Illusive Man, who appeared stricken. "In the meantime, though, you're shit outta luck."

"Go on, try Shepard next," Miranda dared mirthlessly. "Maybe she's doing this for the credits."

Jack's amusement doubled at that, but now the Illusive Man had his attention solely on Shepard. "Of course, I've been neglecting your other companion. And how _is_ Commander Shepard here? I won't even ask why – I'm sure the Alliance doesn't much mind if Cerberus suddenly disappeared off the map. _Or,_ if Cerberus became a loyal lap dog, more accurately."

"Is that what you think is happening?" Shepard wondered aloud.

"It isn't, naturally, because the Alliance would never do something so morally repugnant – right, Commander?" he snapped shrewdly.

"You misunderstood her, Jack," Miranda said. "Cerberus won't be the Alliance's lap dog, of course not. I'll personally make sure it becomes Shepard's private army instead."

"I like it," Jack exclaimed.

"I don't," Shepard cut in, annoyed.

"Fine, it'll be _my_ private army instead. Is that better?" Miranda relented.

"Hot," Jack said, at the same time Shepard said, "No."

"Tough break. Guess we'll just blow it up," Jack concluded.

The Illusive Man looked around like he couldn't quite believe his ears. "You three think this is amusing?"

"Well, not for you."

He leaned forward then, ignoring Miranda in favor of keeping up a strange insistence on Shepard. "I know what you're doing. I know you're trying to stop the reapers," he revealed, and that actually gave the three of them pause, which seemed to disproportionally please him. "But you're underfunded, outmatched, and I'm willing to bet the Alliance isn't exactly bending over backwards to assist you. I can help you, Shepard."

Miranda cocked an eyebrow at her, to which Shepard responded by pursing her lips. She could practically hear Kaidan ranting in her ear. Thankfully, she didn't disagree with him. "You're wrong," she informed him. "Both the Alliance and the Council are taking this very seriously. And if you think I'd turn to you even if they weren't, you're sadly mistaken."

He frowned at her dubiously. "They're taking it seriously on your word?"

Shepard ignored the question, deeming it unimportant. "Give up. This is the end of the line for you," she said quietly.

Irritated, he rapped his knuckles on the table, fingers clenched tight around his portable cancer device. "What's your plan, Shepard? Throw a few ships, planets in front of their lasers, hope you can pierce a couple of holes in their hulls while they serve as a distraction? What happens when they get to Earth?"

A little bud of rage blossomed in Shepard's chest, an annoyance that the Illusive Man always seemed to be able to invoke. "I see that your idea of helping involves the scenario where Earth is attacked."

He flinched like she was holding a blowtorch against his face, and slammed a palm on the shiny sheet of glass in front of him. "You think there's another scenario at this point? Don't be delusional. The only way to defend ourselves is-"

"Is _what_?" she snapped. "Sacrificing other races? Hoarding power for your own greedy self-interests under the guise of defense? Doing things so evil we become the real monsters? You've got a lot of nerve calling the Alliance morally repugnant. If you wanted to help anyone except yourself, you'd be looking at the right way to fight this war instead of theorizing three-dimensional chess moves for your own profit disguised as patriotism."

For a silent moment, they glared at each other, and then he broke away to look at Miranda speculatively. "Interesting sand castles you've imagined. Did Lawson fill your head with that nonsense? I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about."

"Do you really think you're that subtle?" Shepard demanded. "Cerberus all but screams what they are to the entire galaxy, and so do you. You're not some cunning, artful martyr of misunderstood genius – you're a power-hungry sociopath, and I'm not gonna put up with it while I'm dealing with the reapers at the same time."

His eyes flashed angrily. "Don't make assumptions on things you know nothing about, Shepard."

"Whatever. Tick tock, asshole," Jack interjected. "Time's up."

He spared her only half a glance, taking in the way she was lovingly caressing her weapon while continuing her rounds around the room, ever closer. "I can see now my offer of help was misplaced. You're not this galaxy's savior, not the way your mission is progressing. Obviously."

Shepard snorted. "Uh-huh. After all, what do you have to gain by adding your efforts to mine?"

He made a violent gesture with his hand, half banishing her, half simply insulting her. "You think you know everything. Have everything figured out, have you? You're wrong," he warned. "And arrogant. I'm not helping you, Shepard." He looked away. "This can't be done your way."

Her face hardened. "I'm utterly unsurprised. Coward." _Always have been._ She tore her eyes away from him dismissively as he bristled. "Hope you'll enjoy rotting in prison."

Jack had wandered over to his desk at this point, and perched herself atop it out of reckless confidence. Almost before Shepard could take notice it was happening, the Illusive Man moved quickly in a series of blurry actions – standing up, he revealed the pistol he'd been holding on his lap, aiming it directly at Jack's head in a blink.

This appeared to be a mistake – Miranda let out three well-aimed shots before his finger neared the trigger. Unfortunately, they completely missed their mark, because Jack had already made him and his weapon fly, blue projectiles arching across the room.

"I am going to throw you right out that window," she informed him, pointing at the extensive structural weakness. He performed an airborne flip in response.

"Please don't," Miranda politely advised. "Even if you could break that glass, we'd be left with no oxygen."

"Is there any chance," Shepard began, "that you might let me walk out of here with him under arrest?"

"No," they immediately responded at the same time, showing an unprecedented united front.

"I'm gonna have to insist."

"Shepard, really," Miranda tried to reason. "Think about this. He's a _dick_."

"He is," Jack confirmed.

Shepard ignored them, knowing they'd follow orders, and radioed her ship. "Joker. I've got a prisoner inbound. Not the regular kind. Needs round-the-clock supervision and the tightest, least escapable hole you can find."

" _Please don't tell me you're bringing the Illusive Man inside the Normandy._ "

"EDI?"

" _I will make accommodations, Shepard._ "

"Good." She turned back to the two disgruntled biotic women. "Look, we're the good guys. Sometimes it sucks."

Jack sighed and let the Illusive Man drop to the floor none-too-gently, where he slumped, unconscious. Or faking it. Miranda used a stasis field on him anyway, just in case, and dragged him outside to await pickup with Shepard's help.

"You coming?" Shepard called, looking at Jack still in the room, contemplating the desk with an artist's focus.

Jack glanced back briefly. "You two go on ahead. I'm gonna redecorate. Maybe I'll paint the walls blue." Miranda hesitated at the psychotic edge in Jack's voice. " _What?_ I get the point. We're not destroying the resources, can't afford the waste, yadda war asset, yadda institutional repurposing, yadda other reasonable stuff. Got it. I can at least trash his pimp office, can't I?"

"Ten minutes," Miranda conceded curtly. Jack waved them off dismissively, already looking around with a dangerous glint in her eyes.

The second Shepard stepped outside the door, a massive explosion shook her to the bone. Miranda closed her eyes as though praying for patience.

"Look, at least we're not in the blast radius. Count your victories where you can get them."


	18. it's a journey

Kaidan, predictably, disapprovingly praised Shepard's achievement in bringing the Illusive Man in alive, in a grudging sort of way. Garrus found it funny. She and Miranda had made it back to the lab the two of them were guarding, taking advantage of the break to regroup and attend to any inconsequential grazes they'd suffered, now that the building was theoretically clear.

Jack was taking her sweet time anyway, which was irritating Miranda to a point she was weirdly unable to hide. The pros and cons of killing versus arresting wasn't a conversation she was enjoying either.

"The Illusive Man doesn't need to be dead to be meaningless," she commented curtly.

"Hey, no love lost," the turian said, shrugging. "No one would have asked you too many questions if you'd killed him, Shepard."

"It's not our job to kill people, we're not playing god," Kaidan protested distastefully, leaving Shepard wondering about these bipolar tendencies of his. "Not like _he_ does, anyway," he added under his breath. Garrus' mandibles moved slightly, enough for her to recognize he was holding back laughter.

"Yes, well," Miranda said, eyes on her omnitool, where she was presumably issuing orders to relevant Cerberus personnel, "it's done, and he has been removed from the gameboard, which makes this a successful mission."

"If you say so."

Shepard was about to suggest they get moving, because Miranda probably wanted something done with the mess of a station surrounding them, when a tapping noise called for their attention above their heads.

"Who's tall, dark and vanilla ice cream?" Jack asked with a bright grin, jumping from an unreasonably high up beam and landing lightly on her feet. How she'd gotten there was an unsolvable mystery, though the goal of looking cool was for sure achieved.

It took several seconds for Kaidan to realize she was referring to him, and by then she'd already lost interest.

"Where have you been?" Miranda demanded. "You were supposed to be here twenty minutes ago." Shepard noted that despite her tone, the unusually open expression on her face only held some sort of guilty relief.

"Being late's fashionable." Jack enthusiastically held up two hands for Garrus to high-five, barely sparing Miranda a glance.

Kaidan was still offended. "We've met, you know."

Jack paid more attention to him now. "Oh, _right_ – I remember you. You're that asshole from Horizon." Jack frowned at Shepard. "Is it because of his ass? Why you keep him around, I mean," she clarified, because Shepard had no idea how to process her previous sentence. "It _is_ a great ass, though," she conceded.

Kaidan rolled his eyes, a reaction bellied by the obvious blush creeping up his face. "I'm going to make sure the place is clear."

"No, you're not," Shepard called, finally finding the opening in the conversation. "If you leave me alone with the two of them for too long, I'm not sure I'll be in any condition of getting back to the Normandy by myself."

He kissed her cheek for sarcastic purposes and left anyway. Garrus shrugged and followed him. Of all the times to finally abandon her.

"I don't think he likes your friends, huge red flag," Jack opined, and Miranda actually giggled very briefly at that.

"Shouldn't the three of you be able to bond over your biotic existential issues?"

Miranda scoffed. "I have no issues with my biotics at all, I'm very comfortable with them."

"And _I'm_ a whole new level of biotic. Can't relate," Jack said dismissively. Miranda rolled her eyes, which was a return to normalcy.

She became distracted by a datapad – which she produced as mysteriously as Liara did – and wandered away. Shepard met Jack's eyes briefly and, receiving only an arched eyebrow as an answer, followed the new Cerberus boss over to a destroyed bit of stairway, where she'd nestled, enthralled in her work.

Shepard sat down on the step next to her. "No more solo missions."

"No need for more," Miranda agreed, switching her attention to her. "Cerberus as you and I knew it is gone. That threat is over."

"I appreciate that now we're all focused on the reapers, but-"

"Shepard, there's only so much you can fit on your plate. Just say 'thank you' and let's move on to the next thing you're expected to have to deal with."

Shepard snorted. "Thanks, Miranda."

"Didn't that feel good? Isn't it gratifying to reap benefits without putting in the effort yourself?"

"I'm a restless person. I _like_ to put in the effort."

Miranda smirked. "I know."

"How did you pull off-" Shepard gestured around vaguely, "-all this?"

The response could be reduced to a shrug. "I hardly had to poke around for much information, and monitoring the information people search for is usually how the Illusive Man works things out. He didn't suspect anything because he had faith in the security of his secrets. There's always a way for the truth to come out," she murmured, absent-mindedly tapping her fingers on the metal floor.

"He did notice weird things in your behavior."

"That's true," she conceded. "But hardly damning evidence. Certainly not for _this_. He probably thought he had time to figure me out."

Shepard mulled over that. "So – you'll take over. Can you just do that?"

"We'll find out, won't we?" Shepard pulled a face at her and she grinned. "It could go both ways. It's rather thrilling, I can see why you like improvisation."

"Uh-huh. And what about the – people, working for the organization. You think they'll just be loyal to you, no questions asked?"

"I don't understand the question. You think they served the Illusive Man out of _loyalty_?"

"Well – not _all_ , but-"

"I know. Don't worry. I can take care of myself. Additionally, I have a short list of names and an even shorter list of hiding places," she elaborated calmly.

"It's cool, Shepard," Jack bellowed at them from a few feet away, where she was clearly pretending not to listen in. "What I said, y'know, way back when, still stands – no one gets a shot at the princess before I do."

Shepard turned back to Miranda, who shrugged. "And it also appears I have a very effective bodyguard."

" _Hey._ Quit calling me names. I can hear you."

"How did you convince _her_ to do this, by the way?" Shepard wondered, jamming a thumb in Jack's direction, who'd traipsed away again, engaging in vandalism of the sort she seemed to think was discreet.

Miranda crossed her arms. "The mind boggles. I don't think she has any particular affection for the Illusive Man, however."

"Or for Cerberus," Shepard pointed out in response. "Which is under you, now."

Miranda just shrugged and offered no answers, so Shepard moved on to the next topic. "So – what about your sister? You can work that out now, can't you?"

Miranda nodded, a smirk blossoming on her face. "My father," she said, slowly and vindictively, "is now in an interesting position. Some might even call it precarious. After all, there's so much Cerberus has given and received from him – there's so much _I_ now know. So much I can do to him with a datapad and Cerberus connections. If he actually has the balls to show up anywhere near me or Oriana, he's twice the man I've always thought him to be. Though I suppose that's not really saying much," she added thoughtfully. "I really _do_ hope he tries." There was a manic glint in her eyes Shepard was more used to seeing on Jack's face.

"Just – take care. And don't leave me in the dark."

"Oriana likes you. Or she _did_. Once she learns about you again, she won't let me, don't worry," Miranda answered, with an affectionate smile that Shepard much preferred. "But enough of that. Let's talk business."

"Business?" Shepard echoed.

"The war, I hope you haven't forgotten?" Miranda teased. "I'll employ the full spectrum of Cerberus' resources to the effort of building the Crucible. You might want to discuss that with the Alliance beforehand," she suggested, a small smirk playing at her lips. "And by the way – I very much do mean the full spectrum. Right down to the Illusive Man's sadly abandoned bank account."

"How is _that_ in your hands?"

"A _lot_ has been happening in the last few weeks, Shepard. Just know it involved a lot of people all too willing to betray him for me, obsolete security measures EDI had more than enough data to assist me in bypassing, and my own personal ingenuity, of course."

"I – well. Thanks," Shepard said, sincere and surprised. "I won't ask." If there was one thing most people knew about Cerberus, it was they had deep pockets.

"There's one more thing I can do, by the way. A gift. For you." Miranda handed her the datapad. "Forwarded that to EDI."

"Udina."

"Correct. His relationship with the organization is a years-long collection of distasteful deals and donations for mutually beneficial self-interests. One thing I'll say for Udina, he had enough moral fiber to keep them at arms' length. But not any farther, which does sour that argument. I expect the war would have had these ties tighten dangerously, like last time. Perhaps you'd like to put a stop to him instead?"

Miranda took her datapad back when Shepard finished sifting through the files. "This is a great help. Might make them think twice before dismissing your help with the war effort."

"I thought so."

Shepard grinned, clapping a hand on her shoulder. "You're far too good at- well, everything." She stood up, and Miranda followed her lead.

"I'm aware. I appreciate you acknowledging it."

With a snort, Shepard took notice of Kaidan and Garrus heading back in their direction, presumably finished with their rounds. "What'll you do now?"

"Reign in this disaster of an organization. There's a lot of work ahead, Shepard, I assure you."

"Too busy for the Normandy."

"Well, yes," Miranda admitted. "But I'll keep in touch."

"I'll hold you to that."

Jack, sensing (or hearing) their conversation finished, walked over with a cheerful spring to her step, which made Shepard wonder what exactly she'd done and how mad Miranda would be. Miranda, however, seemed to decide it was a problem for later, heading over to the Illusive Man's office to start damage control there instead. The two of them made brief eye contact as she left, which Shepard wasn't able to interpret, but Miranda looked reassured by something.

"Shipping out soon, Shepard?" the remaining biotic asked.

"I am. The war preparations haven't exactly stopped on my account."

"True that." Jack's eyes wandered around the room languidly, taking in the broken glass, spilled chemicals and fizzling circuits. "I'm not going."

"I figured," Shepard accepted easily, leaning against a (relatively) safe piece of unrecognizable furniture. "What's your plan?"

"I'm staying with little miss perfect," Jack admitted quietly, as though she were confessing something embarrassing. "I - your whole galaxy-saving shtick, not my thing. I mean, I like helping you, seeing stuff get better, don't get me wrong - but I'm not cut out for those kinda stakes." She sounded apologetic and full of misgivings at the same time. "Hanging the rest of these Cerberus dicks by the knickers? That I can do. I can help that way. Everything else - throwing yourself headfirst into the lion's mouth, I'll leave that to you and the boy scout, your soldiers and the scary asari lady. And Tali. They're the ones you need with you. We had a good run pretending to be Cerberus puppets, but now you're Alliance and you gotta do things by the book and shit. Shooting people shouldn't be that complicated."

"I thought you were happy as a teacher."

"I was. I would be. It's just - I can't just stick it out either. Not yet. I don't wanna be the tip of the spear, but for now I don't wanna be the butt either. Seeing what you and the cheerleader can do - I want to be there. Besides, the kids are actual kids at this point. So I'll hang around right in the middle. For a little while, anyway."

Shepard decided not to gamble a hug and held out a hand instead. "That's not any less of a fight."

Jack gave her a smile and a handshake in return. "Go on, then. They're waiting on you."

Shepard wasn't quite sure if she was referring to Kaidan and Garrus, holding position at the bottom of the stairs, but either way, she made her way back through the station to the Normandy, leaving Miranda and Jack at the wreck of a station. The mighty could fall so easy. She counted this one a success.

* * *

"You're back," Tali greeted, waiting in the cargo hold as the shuttle arrived and the landing team exited. Liara was standing beside her, datapad nowhere in sight, for once. James was working out a ways to the side, changing it up by doing pullups instead. "How'd it go?"

Shepard shrugged but Garrus had already manipulated the quarian's attention, looking like he had information to spill and was going to do it full speed ahead.

"Well, Kaidan got harassed by three different women, not discounting Shepard, one of whom expressed opinions on his ass, _not_ Shepard," Garrus reported. Kaidan made an extremely rude gesture in his direction, while James snickered in delight. "Miranda is now a crime lord, and Jack is all for it, for some reason. Oh, and apparently, those two are engaged," he added in relish, very much gesturing to Shepard and Kaidan.

Tali straight up choked on thin air, which was impressive, considering the suit she was always wearing. James gapped at both Shepard and Kaidan, the latter of whom instantly made himself scarce. Steve followed out of genuine sympathy, all of which left Shepard as the main focus of the entire room.

" _Joker_ could keep his mouth shut, but you can't?" she deadpanned, staring at Garrus, who shrugged without remorse.

"Engagements are that thing where humans agree to sign some contract, right?" Tali demanded.

"That's an incredibly poor description," Liara reprimanded. "Culturally, marriage began as a political contract for strategic material gains, yes, but as the human society evolved from medieval settings, it shifted in meaning to a symbolic statement of romantic union instead. Though it still involves a legal contract, I suppose. There are also deep religious ties to the practice. Many alien species in relationships with humans will often agree to partake in the ceremony."

"Thank you, Liara," Shepard announced sarcastically, feeling a little queasy. "Are we all quite done?"

Garrus seemed about to say something else just as unfortunate as all the comments he'd made throughout the day, but an echoing exclamation cut him off.

" _Shepard and Alenko are what?!_ "

Shepard flinched violently and decided against searching out where in the ship Ash's voice was projecting from. "Goddamn you, Joker," she muttered.

"I don't think Ashley is done," James informed her.

Shepard just directed a general glare at her immediate surroundings, quite sure at that moment she hated all of her friends. "I'm _leaving._ And finding someone sane to talk to."

"Oh, _c'mon_ , you can't just-"

The elevator slammed shut before the sentence was completed, because Kaidan wasn't the only one capable of strategic retreats.

"Commander," Robert greeted the minute she stepped out into the CIC. "You've got unread messages. I think one's from the krogan leader, or what passes for one, anyway."

"Wrex?" she asked immediately, and was met with a hesitant nod. "What's wrong?"

He cleared his throat. "I – think it's strange that he sent this one like- like _that_. As in, through official, public channels. Considering the contents, I mean."

Shepard began dreading what she'd find. "Official channels?" she echoed.

Robert shook his head, gesturing to her private terminal. "Just – take a look for yourself."

The first thing that popped up was the attachment. Quite frankly, that was all she needed. "Why?" she muttered to herself, not sure to whom she was directing the question. Robert took the initiative, patting her on the back in empathy.

"Might have something to do with the genophage."

The photo enclosed was of Wrex himself, looking quite happy with the world in general, giving two thumbs up to the camera with a smile running across his face. Also pictured was a salarian in a lab coat – _this_ , Shepard could vaguely tell from the shape of his face and the color of his skin, because any distinguishing features were lost beneath the yellow and purple of the bruises covering the man's skin. He was blindfolded, gagged, tied up, and half-slumped against the wall, but evidently alive, which was probably the point of the picture.

 _Maelon_ , she told herself, having not a single doubt. "Goddamn you, Wrex," she muttered. "What a fucking brilliant idea of foreign policy you have."

"So it _is_ for the genophage?" Robert clarified.

"Leverage."

He seemed shocked by that. "He needs leverage against you?"

"No, against Dr. Solus," she corrected. "He's making sure everyone's aware Maelon's data exists and that so does the path to a genophage cure. If he gets nothing out of it politically, he'll at least make a lot of people uncomfortable. Definitely spark public protests on the behalf of the krogan, at the bare minimum."

"Standard issue political shitstorm, then."

Shepard huffed. "Yeah. So, again – why? Why me?"

Robert had no answers.

She discovered she was in a combative mood, and so came to the decision to head directly for the medbay, where Mordin was entertained with chemicals with names Shepard would never – nor did she want to – be able to pronounce.

"Commander Shepard. How can I help?"

"Let's talk," she announced, not exactly as a request. Mordin eyed her as she walked around the table to grab a chair. "Right now."

"About?"

"The genophage," she said.

His eyes narrowed. "Oh?"

"You can't think I don't know, right?"

"Think you know much more than I do. Think you expect things I might not be ready to give."

Shepard shook her head. "Not at all. All I want from you is honesty."

"Honesty? Or loyalty?"

"Honest loyalty," she settled on. Mordin found that amusing. "What's that supposed to mean, anyway?"

He tapped his fingers against the tabletop, mulling over his answer. "Have been thinking about genophage as well. Before you came to ask."

"Because of Okeer."

"Because of you," he corrected. "Have opinions. Both of us do. Yours are clear. Demand contemplation, at least."

"That's right," she agreed immediately. " _That's_ what I expect."

"Made clear," he assented. "Confident I will fall in line?"

"Not trying to get you to fall in line. I'm trying to give you perspective," she stressed. "What you do with it is your business."

"But you see an outcome."

"I _trust_ you'll come to the right outcome."

" _Right_ ," he echoed, like testing the word, and then moved on. "But trust. Quick to trust," he noted. "Would like to ask, have wondered: appears you and I developed rapport – perhaps friendship – before you came back in time. Have discerned this from your behavior. Am I correct?"

The question was patently rhetorical, which Mordin wasn't known for. He clearly had simply wanted to make an impression, and that he had. Shepard gapped at him for several seconds before settling on something to say.

" _How?_ " There was no point in lying. "How did you know?"

Her reaction seemed to leave him pleased with himself. "Eliminate impossible, truth remains. Sudden influx of future memories not impossible, only highly improbable. Ultimately sole option once all others discarded for unviability. Testing was necessary, but results conclusive."

"Testing?" Shepard repeated, frowning, still a little bit in shock.

Mordin spared her a glance. "Surprisingly easy to manipulate you. Harder than Garrus and Tali, but easy. Accidentally revealed more than you intended. Them more than you, but fed assumptions."

Scowling and fully recovered, Shepard crossed her arms. "That's friendship for you."

A shadow of a grin crossed the salarian's face. "Morally dubious. Have in common. Only best intentions. Mindful of lines not to cross. Not surprised, I hope?"

Shepard made a face at the empty air and then glared at him. "Let's both of us strive to stick to the correct side of that dubiousness."

"Your goal here, correct? Here and always, suspect. Your ally, Shepard. No dubiousness there."

"And the genophage?"

"Perhaps, considering your circumstances, you would like to tell me about it yourself," he suggested.

She considered that. "I could," she decided, "but I won't."

"I see."

"My point isn't to tell you how to think, Mordin," she elaborated. "I'm just asking you how sure you are. Of your actions."

He became visibly angry. "Sure? My _actions_? How sure are you of yours? How sure is anyone?"

"Not sure at all," she admitted freely. "Most of them chew at me every day."

"Not asking to be sure of mine, then."

"I'd be suspicious if you were."

"What _do_ you want, Shepard? You know things of the future. Still have not asked everything I want to about that," he added as an aside. "You know what I will, can, did do. Not telling me how to think. Not telling me much of anything."

"I've told you what I want. But I can give you a bit more," she said, stepping aside to reach for EDI's interface. "Let me show you what Urdnot Wrex sent me today."

He took in the picture with an inscrutable look on his face, and read the accompanying message in silence. "This," he said, several silent seconds later, "is problematic."

"He forwarded the data he mentions to a private Extranet address of mine. I can give it to you."

He tapped his foot. "What do you want of it?"

"I'll wait for you to tell me."

Mordin exhaled sharply. "Yes. And Maelon? Not leaving him in krogan captivity?"

"I expect he's in Council hands by now. Least they can do, with this out there."

"Why _is_ this out there?"

"My theory: argumentative reasons."

"Ah. Making a statement."

"A serious one."

He locked the terminal up gently, staring at something far away with a conflicted look on his face. "Would like data, Shepard," he said finally. "Read what Maelon did."

"Hopefully he was just in the theorizing stages," Shepard said, nodding. "I'll have it delivered to you."

"Implications of your words unpleasant."

She made a noise of agreement, stepping away from his makeshift lab. "Some things are unpleasant to hear. But necessary."

"About statements," Mordin recalled, obtrusively changing the subject. "Joker mentioned one of yours."

She arched an eyebrow at him, confused. "A statement?"

"Lieutenant Alenko," he said, and since Shepard was well-versed in his personal communicative dictionary, she knew exactly what he was talking about.

All he earned for his troubles was a glare. "Please don't-"

"Aware others enjoying well-meaning teasing. Not my intention."

She didn't think it was. However, she was also not interested in further Opinions on her relationship with Kaidan and adjacent developments. "So?"

He cleared his throat. "Skeptics would decry statement of such nature. Particularly coming from you. Situation unique."

Okay, she was a little amused by this one. "I'm not exactly making that statement for their benefit."

"No," he agreed, "but point stands."

Shepard mulled over her words for a second. "The world could use a little less skepticism."

Mordin didn't look at her, but smiled. "Wish you and your impending cultural rite all the best, Commander Shepard."

She couldn't help it, and laughed at that. "Hell, Mordin – sounds a lot like you've just been given perspective on something."

He paused, looked after her thoughtfully as she left him with those words. She heard him mumble something on her way out.

"It's a journey."

* * *

Later, down in the cargo hold and feeling pretty good about Mordin's progress, Shepard was humming under her breath and putting away her weapons, half hidden near the elevator, when something interrupted both her actions and her high spirits rather brusquely.

A locker slammed closed with a little more force than necessary, and she was about to do a one-eighty to find out what that was about when someone beat her to it. "Hey. What's going on?" James asked as though nothing was wrong, opening his own locker. Shepard lingered around the corner anyway, listening carefully behind a shadow.

"Did they tell you?" Ashley asked, voice at once accusatory and indignant.

He raised his hands in surrender, to which she rolled her eyes. "Nope," he said easily. "Not surprised, though. I mean, those two are one hell of a story." He grinned, and from where Shepard was standing, she recognized the glint in his eye and disliked it immediately. "I ever tell you what the first thing that lovesick puppy said to me when I met him?"

Ashley looked appropriately curious at the entertainment in his expression, eyeing him from the corner of her eye and making a poor effort out of hiding affection. It was a coin's toss whether she was oblivious to his diversion tactics or humoring him. "No, you haven't."

He laughed gleefully. Shepard was torn between ardent curiosity and increasing guilt at her eavesdropping sins. "So, I'm bringing Shepard up from her bullshit grounding on Earth because all shit's gone to hell and that's who they turn to for clean-up, right? Reapers, Lond- Earth, you know. And he's just coming out, all full of promotions and responsibility and other such nonsense." He was very much enjoying himself, dragging out the story for maximum impact. He shut his locker and leaned against it, arms crossed, and Ashley mimicked him almost unconsciously, listening raptly. "He's a _Major_ now, which apparently was news, and then he notices Shepard. I swear to God, what followed was the most painfully awkward moment I've ever witnessed." Ashley let out a half-surprised, half-amused sound. "I mean, just _painful_. Then she leaves and he stares after her, _really_ doesn't look like a Major now. I asked him if he knew her, and his response? ' _I used to._ '" Shepard decided she shouldn't be listening to this, and did nothing about it.

Ashley winced. "Ouch."

"No, no, you don't understand – he looked so fucking _tragic_ , my first thought was 'what's all this drama about and where can I catch up on the episodes I missed?'" Ashley burst out laughing. "I like my soaps, I'll cop to it."

At this point, as she listened to Ashley's mood improving in real time, previous grievance completely forgotten, Shepard realized James was patently the better choice to handle this particular problem. She shook her head and was about to leave when Ashley mustered enough presence of mind to speak again.

"I'm still annoyed they didn't tell me they're getting _married_. I thought we were friends."

Shepard winced and decided to stick around a little longer.

"You are. We all are. Doesn't mean they don't like their privacy."

Ashley huffed. "This isn't about privacy, I-"

He interrupted her. "Put it this way – you think you know what goes on behind their locked doors?" He grinned when she made a disgusted noise deep in her throat. "Not _that_. I mean what they talk about. What they've got in common, what they're hoping out of life and each other, their pillow-talk. That kinda stuff."

Shepard had never heard James be that brazenly sensitive, but Ashley didn't bat an eye. "What's that have to do with telling their friends about the fact that they wanna tie the knot?"

He scratched his chin thoughtfully. "I'm sure they were gonna tell, eventually. Of their own accord. But – there are just things you want to yourself. For a while, at least, some of them. D'you know what I'm talking about?"

Ashley wouldn't look in his direction, preferring to stare at the floor. "No," she mumbled, and Shepard could have sworn she could see a little pink in her cheeks.

"Sure you do. Have you never had conversations one-on-one that you wanna keep to yourself like some selfish gift? Make you smile when you go to sleep?" His tone was peculiar, Shepard decided, and Ashley was definitely squirming now.

" _Stop_ , fine, I get it," she groaned, sliding down to sit on the floor.

He barked out a single ' _ha_ ', and dropped down next to her. "I'm just saying, I understand keeping it to themselves. I don't mind, I'm just happy for them."

She sighed exasperatedly. "So am I, I just – I wanted to _know_ , is all."

He shrugged. "It's not about friendship, you know. The fact that they consider you a good friend isn't in question."

Ashley reacted immediately in a way that assured Shepard that was the root of the issue. "I know that. That's not – at all. I know that."

"Hmm." Vega coughed pointedly and she hit his arm. His wince was very real. "Plus, I just think they didn't want to mess with the status quo too much. Know what I mean? Like, it's one thing to know the Lieutenant spends the nights in the Commander's quarters, it's another to start talking about marriage and stuff."

"Is it?" she asked skeptically.

Vega hummed. "Kinda."

Ashley waited a few moments more before working herself up. "You're a little envious of them," she finally said, watching him carefully for his reaction to her words. "Alenko and Shepard."

"Sure," he freely admitted. "Have you looked at the two of them? People that cheesy are definitely having the time of their lives. Who wouldn't want that?"

Ashley laughed, but it rang a little empty. "Suppose so."

"Hey," Vega prodded gently, "you good now?"

Ashley nodded firmly. "Yeah. Sorry about-" She gestured vaguely. "All that."

James snorted, and the chief punched his arm. "Anytime," he added sincerely, and then helped her up after him.

Shepard waited until their backs were turned to her, and silently made her way out of there.

* * *

Shepard mentioned Mordin's epiphany to one or three people, doing her best to distract herself from Ashley, and trusted that soon enough everyone part of their unique situation would be made aware the salarian had put two and two together. At this point, it all felt like a party that only Thane wasn't invited to, which was pretty rude. She had no plans to change that, however – 'hey dude, I'm from the future' was still not a sentence she was prepared to utter unprompted.

It somehow made him one of the least stressful individuals to talk to, living his life without expectations as he was. Broken and beaten, but less stressful. It was always a painful thing to remind herself Thane was someone she couldn't save.

It bled into their discussions, somehow, and he didn't need to say it for her to know that he didn't consider 'saving him' to be preventing his death. Only Thane could bring up mortality the same way she could, the kind of feelings that hurt Kaidan and that no one else really understood. She'd forgotten how much she missed it, but she also forgot how hollow it left her afterwards. The one thing that could put thoughts of meaninglessness in her mind.

"But there's meaning in what you do. You've said it before, you find it there," he argued, when she brought it up, on their way to the Citadel. She'd made Thane's niche in life support her safe haven while everyone else gossiped about her relationship, at least temporarily.

"Doesn't mean I'm not affected by anything. It doesn't make me unswayable. Everyone has moments of weakness."

"That's true," he conceded, interested. "Those moments are important, however. I would have never emerged from my battle sleep without them. Or gone into it either, for that matter."

"Important," she agreed, "but not good?"

"There are always benefits in being able to bend without breaking."

"Sometimes it comes a little too close. Can't tell them apart."

He leaned back, mulling over that. "Perhaps it can't be helped," he acknowledged.

"Can't it? Is that really how we're meant to live our lives? Doubt and uncertainty and dodging failures at every turn?"

"You don't dodge too many failures, Shepard," he pointed out. "Still, that's why holding onto certainties when you find them is so important."

"I get that."

"You would," he said with a smile. "Liara told me something interesting."

"I came here so I wouldn't have to hear it," she warned immediately, "so shut up."

He started laughing at the order. "I am the last person to make light of it, trust me. I understand."

Right. One of the exactly two people she knew closely who'd ever been married. Now it was almost worrisome to await his opinion. "Any chance we can leave it at that?"

"Of course we can," he replied, and then outstandingly changed the subject. "I read the publication you recommended."

"About the effects of biotic discharge on different tissues?"

"Yes. The author has no grasp of basic entropy laws, let alone how to apply them to the diverse constitutions of different species' skin. Or hair, in others' case."

"Kaidan thought so. He said the conclusions were solid, though. Apart from human hair, which he said the author had definitely never been near."

"They're solid as much as an observation that fire burns is solid. There is nothing enlightening about it."

Shepard was now grinning. "So what you're saying is it will annoy Liara."

"Very much."

"Thanks for your help."

"Is there a particular reason you want to annoy the Shadow Broker?"

"Testing boundaries and recklessness?"

"I don't understand the divide between the two extremes of your conversational spectrum," he noted.

"Need to establish balance, Thane. Gotta have a balance."

He was uninterested in pursuing the dialogue thread after that.

Joker had them dock at the Citadel shortly after, where she allowed no one shore leave, considering the kind of business she was there for. Nothing short of absolute professionalism would serve her, because forcefully relieving someone of power never went smoothly. One drunken report of someone on her crew stripping down to their civvies and being taken seriously would become twice as hard.

That made for a real problem in choosing squadmates. Which she didn't say out loud out of sensitivity. In the end, however, it wasn't much of her choice.

"I hope you weren't thinking of paying our ambassador a visit without me, Commander," Ashley piped up out of nowhere, fully geared up and ready to deploy. "I _hate_ corrupt politicians."

"Wouldn't dream of it." A pause in hesitation. "We all good, Ash?" Shepard asked cautiously.

Ashley offered a small, genuine smile in return. "Course we are, Skipper. Come on. Let's go nail Udina's ass."

"I really hope that's not literal," James called, standing a few steps to the side like he'd been overtly eavesdropping.

He went ignored when Kaidan made his appearance, very invested in personally escorting the ambassador to the darkest, dirtiest C-SEC cell, in retaliation for future-past events. These types of personal investments were the kind of thing a commanding officer was supposed to manage and avoid, but at this point in her career, Shepard was a lost cause in that particular regard.

"Alright, let's cause some political turmoil."

* * *

Udina was a goddamn pain in the ass. The fact that Shepard unceremoniously handed the head of one of her own species' most popular ambassadors to the Council on a silver plater so readily, however, was met with approval and respect, particularly by Sparatus. Shepard was quickly warming up to the turian councilor more than she ever thought she would, especially in comparison to the others – apart from Anderson, of course. No one seemed more surprised by this than Sparatus himself.

"You have an integrity I sometimes find lacking even in myself," he admitted.

"Well, points for self-awareness, I guess."

That made him laugh. "That's what I mean. You'll pull diplomacy out of nowhere when you need it, but you're honest. You're diplomatically honest," he quipped, and she snorted. "That's an interesting skill for a soldier," he said, voice peculiar.

"Eh, it's served me well." She shrugged evasively, and wandered over to her own councilor, who was waiting not-so-patiently for a word.

Anderson had other things on his mind apart from her relationship with his colleagues. He arched an eyebrow when everyone else was out of earshot, and she needed no further prompting to rattle off her debrief.

"And you came across this incriminating information-" Anderson cleared his throat lightly, and raised his voice so he could be heard over the sounds of the former ambassador kicking and screaming about witch hunts and character assassination, "-by arresting the Illusive Man?"

"I did do that."

Anderson stared at her in silence for several moments. "You just – showed up and shot up his headquarters."

"Yup."

"To his complete surprise."

"That's right."

"And you were successful?"

"Duh."

She hid a smile when a ticked-off expression flitted across his face for a moment. "How?"

"Miranda Lawson. She's a former Cerberus operative who provided the internal instability needed for the plan to succeed."

"Uh-huh, so let me get this straight," he began slowly, pinching the bridge of his nose. "You somehow developed a relationship with a high-ranking Cerberus operative – so high-ranking, in fact, that she was easily able to get directly at the Illusive Man's heart – and were able to perform this stunt with the man himself being none the wiser."

"It may have been a combination of luck, circumstances, and privileged information."

He shook his head firmly. "No, I don't want to know. While the Council's happy, I'm happy. Not about to tell you off for taking down a terrorist organization either. Well done," he complimented, but with the dry tone of someone who was fed up with the theatrics of pretending not to see the strings Shepard kept tugging and pulling behind ethically nuanced scenes. She saluted just as drily, and he returned it with a glare for her troubles. "And about the Illusive Man, by the way – I hear you brought him in alive."

"There's no need for the surprise in your tone, thanks."

His response was to grin slightly. "Is there something you want out of him?" he pressed anyway, undeterred. "Think we can use him to-?"

" _No._ And whatever he says, don't let him near anything war-related," Shepard said immediately, the sharpness in her expression taking Anderson by surprise. "Sorry," she continued, softening, "it's just that if I were to give you a list of people I consider susceptible to indoctrination, he'd be right up there, all the way at the top. With Udina," she added as an afterthought.

" _Can_ you give me a list like that?" he asked, deliberately retaining the wrong point from her words.

She was unimpressed. "Afraid not. I wish."

"Don't worry, Shepard. I'll make sure he has twenty-four-hour supervision."

This was also her opportunity to finally meet the quarian councilor, a shiny new addition that Shepard was unduly proud of. It was emphatically not _her_ achievement, but the hand she had in it was still a pleasant thought to entertain.

As soon as the quarian in question opened her mouth, however, Shepard's focus was diverted by recognition. "Commander Shepard," the councilor greeted with a smile. "I'm glad to speak in person at last. I trust Tali'Zorah vas Normandy is well?"

"She's great," Shepard replied in surprise. "It's good to meet you as well, Captain. Councilor," she corrected. "I'm afraid I didn't catch your name when we last spoke. If I recall correctly, we were both engaged in more pressing matters at the time."

The quarian started laughing. "Quite so. You were yelling at me over my martyr tendencies, I believe. All's well that ends well, however, so now that Sovereign is dead, allow me a proper introduction. I am Mel'Vae nar Tonbay," she said, nodding slightly. "I was recommended by Tali for this position, and after my initiative during the battle at the Citadel, the Admiralty Board had no objections."

"Congratulations," Shepard offered respectfully. "I look forward to working with you."

"And I you. Thank you. Your reputation precedes _you_ , of course. It will be remarkable to watch you work from a vantage point."

Shepard had once given up on the idea she'd ever be on warm terms with the Council, but as far as she could tell, she was at least a solid three out of five at this point. And it wasn't like the other two were anything short of pleasantly neutral. This was the kind of significant progress that brightened her mood for the entire day.

"You're looking pleased about something," Kaidan noted, later, reading something on a datapad on her couch. "Did you really bear Udina that much of a grudge?"

"Yes," she stated unequivocally, sparing him only a glance. "I'd say I'm happy at how well the mission is progressing, but I don't wanna jinx it."

"Doesn't saying that count as a jinx?"

"Be quiet."

He grinned, amused. "You know, I'd thought you might be a little irritated today, because of- well, everyone talking about us."

"I'm pretty sure they've known 'about us' for a while now."

"You know what I mean, Shepard."

She shook her head, smile becoming only a little smaller. "It's alright. It's not so bad. Better for them to talk about something good for a change."

"Fair enough," he conceded, one corner of his mouth pulled up. "Although – you seemed a bit tense with Ash earlier. What was that about?"

Shepard hesitated. "It's nothing. She's worked it out of her system."

"Really?" he asked, clearly paying attention to more than her dismissiveness.

"It was just – a little self-doubt. I think."

"Did you talk to her?"

"Vega did." She gave it a moment's pause. "He and Ashley are getting pretty close." Her tone was cautious.

Kaidan finally put down the datapad he'd been ignoring for a while. "Noticed that too," he agreed. "Wanna devise some payback for all the crap they both gave us?"

A grin flitted across her features briefly, and went over to sit beside him on the couch. "Tempting, but no. Think I should have a word with them?" she wondered uneasily.

He snuck an arm around her shoulders. "Considering our present circumstances, that'd be pretty hypocritical. They wouldn't shy away from telling you that, either."

"That's why I'm asking. Wasn't saying I'd reprimand them anyway. It's just that they're – volatile people," she settled on. Kaidan snorted at the underwhelming choice of words, and she slapped his arm for it. "People that could maybe use some guidance."

"From you?"

"Are you volunteering?"

"Hell no."

"There's your answer."

"What if you just let them come to you instead?"

She was skeptical. "You think they will?"

"Doesn't everyone?" He shrugged.

"Maybe. Probably. Fine, yes. Can't wait."


	19. say no more

_Shepard,_

 _I've extensively pored through all Cerberus intel that might reference the derelict reaper. There's no mention of it anywhere, from which I infer the Illusive Man hadn't yet come into possession of the knowledge of its location. Lucky you, you get to be the first boots on the ground._

 _I advise swiftness, Commander. That IFF is just lying around for someone else to stumble into._

 _Miranda Lawson_

Shepard read the message without great enthusiasm, but accepted the favorable circumstances for a less-than-pleasant mission. She supposed this meant it was time to put their plan into motion, regarding both Legion and the trip through the Omega 4 relay. No way the collectors would get far into the galaxy under her watch.

Some others, however, had slightly different takes on the situation.

"We can't just waltz through the relay and expect to find the exact same thing we did last time," Garrus was pointing out, on the far end of the table around which Shepard had congregated her team. Once again, Thane was the only one not invited, and she just hoped he didn't think to go visit the CIC in search of the missing people. "What if the collector base was moved? I dunno how much progress they could make building a reaper in a year, but they needed the humans from the colonies to do it, right? They haven't started harvesting yet."

"Lola'd be tearing heads off if they had."

"They shouldn't start for a couple of months yet," she predicted. "But Garrus is right. No way I'm going through that relay until I'm sure we're in the exact same circumstances as last time."

"Comfort in familiarity?" Mordin wondered. "You employ this kind of caution for every potential change you make?"

"Preferably."

"How _can_ we be sure of the circumstances?" Nihlus wondered, confused, before Mordin could keep going. "What're you using as a sign we're good to go?"

"The first abduction, I expect," Liara piped up. "We can be sure they'll be brought straight there. The base would have to be in place then."

"So we're letting a colony get taken," Kaidan commented drily. "Nice."

"If I managed to rescue my entire crew, I can manage a colony," Shepard said firmly. "They don't want them dead, and they don't- uh, liquify them for a while after they get taken."

"Liquify," Mordin echoed, sounding disproportionally interested as opposed to disturbed. "Wh-"

James wasn't up for that discussion, however. "Gross. We'll get 'em out. What do we need?"

"A way to get through the relay safely."

"That'd be ideal, yeah. You said something about some reaper friend-or-foe device?" Ashley half-remembered.

"The IFF," Kaidan confirmed. "Got it from some reaper they found, dead from a past cycle, right?"

Tali rapped her knuckles on the table impatiently. "How are we getting that thing anyway? Last time it was pure luck and Cerberus intel. Are we counting on those this time around too?"

"No."

"Then-?"

EDI spoke up then. " _I believe I can locate it based on the original coordinates. Perhaps some trajectory vectors must be calculated, but it should not be too distant from where we first found it._ "

"But why do we even have to track it down?" Garrus protested. "You need that code, EDI? Don't you have a memory of it?"

" _The data I have access to is insufficient. I require manual installation of the technology, per protocol of how the software was developed._ "

That caught Shepard's attention. "Hey, is that ubiquitous to all reaper code?"

" _It's a common feature, yes._ "

"So – when Legion said he had to disseminate his new reaper tech with his people-"

There was a silent pause while everyone processed that. " _It may have been a similar situation, yes._ "

Tali seemed excited by the conversational sidetrack. "Then – there may be ways to get around it? Copies on more platforms, manual installations, or- or piggy-backing off the IO processes that Legion could-"

"Shouldn't we focus on one problem at a time?" Ashley cut in. She looked wary but resigned at the idea of a geth ally. "No offense, I'm glad we might be able to work out a plan to help your- _friend_ , but what's first?"

"Legion's first," Shepard decided, earning the entire room's attention. "We're storming the geth base as soon as we work out an infiltration strategy. The Alliance can send scouting parties to search for the reaper in the meantime, EDI can guide them."

" _Yes, Shepard._ "

"Just tell them to steer clear when they find it."

Nihlus cleared his throat. "Why the geth first?"

"Maximizes the chance that Legion joins us before we jump the relay. Minimizes geth hostility in the galaxy sooner," Liara answered shortly, barely glancing in Shepard's direction to confirm her guess. "I've also confirmed and monitored activity in that station. We have a lock on it now, a window of opportunity, and we should take it."

"We're trashing a geth stronghold to make nice with another geth. Go figure."

Kaidan patted Ashley on the back. "Shepard works in mysterious ways. And those geth are not all the same."

"I know. Just trying to get a rise out of Tali," she provoked, and the quarian slapped her on the thigh lightly in retaliation. "If you think they'll be allies, I'm shutting up."

"Legion sacrificed himself for his people. I have more respect for him than I do for most organics."

"Present company excluded, right?" Shepard said, feigning offense.

"Well, _you_ , for sure. Jury's still out for everyone else."

" _Rude_ ," Garrus gasped, mandibles twitching in amusement.

Mordin was observing the pandemonium. "Interesting place in the universe, Shepard," he told her, voice not exactly projecting over the various conversations that had erupted.

"Mine?"

"Meant in general. Crowded ship."

"It's a sprint from here to the end. I'm glad they're all here. And you."

Mordin nodded, looking gratified. "Will prepare for it, then."

He stood up and the rest of the room took that as indication they were dismissed. Shepard watched them as they filed out, pondering what she was – again – putting them all through. No one had raised a peep about it.

She'd lost sight of whether that was a good thing. Sighing, she went down to the crew deck to brief Thane. Needing people to put themselves on the line for her mission never really felt _good_ , though she felt lucky to be surrounded by warriors who saw importance in the same things she did.

 _It ends one day_ , she reminded herself firmly. Soon enough, yet another obstacle in her way would be taken care of. The collectors' days were numbered. Step by step, her vision was coming together. She just wished it wasn't so fragile that one unexpected hit could send it all crumbling.

* * *

The conversation with Thane devolved quickly, as it was wont to do.

It started innocently enough, with Shepard's observation that he looked thoughtful, after she'd briefed him on their upcoming mission. He took that as an offering of a sympathetic ear, which she was always up for. Far too quickly, however, he led her through the rabbit hole that was his family history, just like last time.

He opened up to her about his son and his regrets – something in his eyes told her he was beginning to struggle with the old ideas of mortality and serving a final purpose. He hadn't mentioned it yet, but it was hard not to think of such things under the circumstances Shepard was providing him with.

It was only when she suggested he touch base that the conversation veered completely off-course.

"What?" Thane said, frowning. "Why would I do that? Have you not been listening? I want him _away_ from me and the path that led me to where I am."

"From your path, sure, I get that," Shepard agreed. "But from you? Are you some sort of plague, Thane?"

"For this purpose, I might as well be."

She shook her head stubbornly. "Shouldn't you try and exercise some parenting? Actively keep him away from that path you're so afraid he might discover?"

"I'm sorry?" Thane asked, possibly offended.

Shepard chewed on her words, trying to come up with a better way to put it. "Think about what brought you here. You got angry. Made some terrible choices," she pointed out. "Drowned in your feelings because you didn't even try to come up for air. Think he's any different? I have no doubt he's suffering for this too." And she wasn't even speculating. Not that Thane knew that.

Thane disagreed. "He's very different. For one, he's a much better person than I am."

"This has nothing to do with being good or bad. Circumstances shape people. He's not immune to that. Get in touch, Thane," she admonished gently. "You never know what you'll regret one day. In a week, tomorrow."

"You're not a safe woman to hang around, that much is true," he teased, but she could see he was taking her seriously. "I'll give it some thought," he relented.

"We'll stop at the Citadel for supply and restock soon. I'm not sure if we'll have another chance to do it before we go through the Omega 4 relay, and who knows what'll be waiting for us there." Shepard did, Shepard knew very well. "It's your opportunity."

"Thank you."

Just then, they were both startled by the sound of the door opening suddenly, and a salarian briskly strolling in.

"Shepard," Mordin called, in the speedy, high-pitched tone of voice he used when he was deeply distressed. "Urgent matter, require your attention."

She followed him out of life support instantly, alarmed. Thane seemed to decide he'd leave it to her. "What is it?"

"Krogan. Okeer. Dr. Okeer, has- must head for Korlus immediately." He was gesticulating wildly, broken sentences a clear indicator of his urgency.

"Something happen?" she asked sharply.

Mordin assented. "Struggling with prototype. Frustrated by something. Angry. Not good. Not sure he will retain faith in his project long enough for it to succeed. Or if he will break terms of agreement."

"No. Not good, no." Shepard was suddenly feeling just as urgent. "This was part of his latest report?"

"Gibberish. Ranting. Rage. Lots of signals, none positive."

"Yeah, okay, I hear you," she said, arriving at the CIC and pulling up data on Okeer's project, reading through it diagonally.

"Recommend visit."

"We can make a stop there before we take on the geth," she readily agreed. "We have to."

"Would like to accompany you."

"Course. Tell Vega to be ready, he'll be on the ground with us."

As soon as Shepard thought she was up-to-date on all relevant info, she hurried to grab her gear and head down to the cargo hold, trusting Joker to get them to Korlus faster than was physically possible. James and Mordin climbed into the Kodiak with her, the former confused and the latter pulsing with agitation.

"Catch me up on what we're getting ourselves into?" Vega requested by way of greeting.

"You remember Grunt, right?"

"Oh, _carajo_. Say no more."

* * *

Steve brought the shuttle in quickly enough, but they hardly needed ground transport given how secure and vast their landing zone was, with the presence Liara was maintaining on the planet. The Shadow Broker's men nodded at them stiffly as Shepard made their way inside the heavily defended perimeter, rather empty for the size of the facility.

Okeer was in fact just as disturbed as Mordin had suggested. Liara had had the right idea, setting up the reports, for which Shepard thanked every deity she'd ever known. When they arrived, they found the lab in disarray, a couple of guards standing a ways to the side like they hadn't noticed a thing. The fact that they were gripping their weapons as tensely as if they were under attack bellied their cool outward appearance. Shepard's arrival seemed to relax them marginally.

Okeer had his fingers clenched on a table, jaw ticking as he stared straight ahead, through the glass at the cement structure outside. They approached cautiously, noting the tank beside him. With a pang, Shepard recognized Grunt inside – eyes closed, asleep, but definitely her krogan. Maybe this had been a fantastic idea after all.

"Okeer?"

The scientist grunted and straightened, turning to her with an annoyed sort of fire in his eyes. "You're back," he greeted, taking note of her squad. "And you've changed up your company. Where's that trigger-happy hothead you brought around last time?"

James glanced at her. "He talking about Williams?"

Shepard allowed the momentary sidetrack. "If you know what's good for you, you won't tell Ash you identified her from _that_ description."

He scoffed at her. "I'm not an idiot." Then, he offered the krogan a menacing glare. "Talk about her that way again and I'll show you who's trigger-happy."

"Stand _down_ , Lieutenant," she ordered sharply. He complied, but the evil glint in his eyes went nowhere. Oh, this particular case of fraternization would have grand consequences, she could tell. "What's the matter with you?"

"Never mind. I take it back," Okeer commented mildly. "The hothead obviously came back with you."

"D'you know how rich it is for a krogan to call anyone a hothead?"

Mordin cleared his throat, trying to drag the conversation back to the point. "Latest report. Indicated… Difficulties."

Okeer's expression flashed with rage. " _Difficulties_. What a _salarian_ way of putting it. Yo-"

"Enough," Shepard snapped. "Tell me what's going on."

The krogan took a deep breath, as if to calm himself. "I did as you asked," he revealed reluctantly. "Only tested simulations. Only modified one specimen. One tank-bred." He gestured at the tank and Shepard approached it expectantly. "Only it must not have been enough. It can't have been enough."

"Why not?"

"It's not right. It's not in line with the sims. Something's off about it."

"Him," she corrected, analyzing Grunt's blank expression. "What do you mean?"

"Something keeps adding. Subtracting. Rearranging my data," Okeer muttered, and Shepard wasn't sure she was meant to hear it. "Every time, _every time_. It's not me," he shouted, slamming a fist on the wall and leaving a dent. "It's giving it _flaws_."

"Flaws," she echoed anyway. "Like what?"

"It's too much. And not enough. There's garbage code, and then code I don't get. Didn't come from me. Didn't come from anyone. Couldn't. It's new, dangerous. Like it developed a personality, for some reason. Not a weak-willed one, either."

Shepard shrugged, hearing Mordin gasp quietly behind her, surprised and clarified simultaneously. "Maybe he is," she said cryptically.

"What's that even supposed to mean?" the doctor snarled.

"Where'd the code come from?"

" _Me_ ," Okeer replied, annoyed. "My code, my development, my project. It's all _me_."

"On a computer?"

Okeer blinked and looked at her like she was stupid. Fair enough. "Yeah, on a computer. D'you expect I use paper or something?"

Shepard shrugged. "I dunno. You eccentric types do strange things."

"Are you _entertained_ by something, Shepard?"

"Watch your mouth when you talk to the Commander, doc," James cautioned darkly.

Shepard glared at her lieutenant in warning, disapproving of the aggression, and turned back to Okeer, who was still doing his best to antagonize everyone in the room. "I'm not entertained by anything. Sounds like your project's reached completion."

The doctor seemed disgusted by the idea. " _Completion_? That thing is as far from perfect as possible. Only a fraction of the code is peak genetic engineering. The rest is just – nonsense."

"Individuality. Peak performance of a different kind."

Shepard nodded decisively at Mordin's words. "Crack it open, doc."

Okeer looked like he was about to pass out. "I'm not _finished_ with him. That is not the final product _._ "

"You are," James said. "Commander said so."

"Will he wake up if we get him out?" Shepard asked pragmatically.

Okeer slammed a hand on the table. "Yeah, he'll wake up. He'll wake up _imperfect_."

"Everybody else does it the same way. I'm sure he'll deal." Shepard approached the tank, searching for the hatch mechanism. "C'mon. Get this thing open."

"Get away from it," the krogan snapped, moving to stand between her and the tank. Only the presence of James and Mordin – clearly leaving him outnumbered – seemed to keep him in check. "You think I've worked this hard to let my experiment fail at the last moment? _No_. He's not _perfect._ "

Shepard considered him. A few silent seconds later, she gestured briefly in Grunt's direction. "He's a krogan, right?"

"So?"

"So I happen to believe there's no achieving perfection. I think he's a fully formed krogan waiting to get out of that tank, and I think you should let him."

Okeer was very far from convinced. "How cute and inspirational. I'm not some starry-eyed marine, Shepard. That bullshit doesn't stick to me, and this is my life's work. It's my _legacy_. If you think I'm going to let a bunch of soldiers on marching orders disrupt-"

"Legacy can take many forms." Mordin stepped forward. "Something you do a decade ago or yesterday. Always defined by the worst, or the best. Depends who tells the story." He took a deep breath. "Doesn't have to be this."

"What are you on about?"

"Wanted genetically perfect krogan. Model for rest of species, first stepping stone on your path to sidestep genophage."

"He won't even need to consider the genophage. It's _irrelevant_. A predator without teeth or claws."

"Correct. Does not have to be this way. Does not have to be ignored. Can be cured."

Okeer looked like he wanted to laugh and punch Mordin at the same time. "You've gotta be kidding me."

"Not a joke."

"I oughta kill you."

"War coming," Mordin insisted patiently. "Galaxy needs krogan. Krogan need galaxy. Neither will survive otherwise."

The krogan doctor now looked confused. "And? What does that have to do with anything?"

"Sometimes I figure scientists live in another dimension," James muttered to Shepard under his breath. "The level of disconnect with real world problems is real."

She shook her head and watched as Mordin kept going. "Will need krogan at full strength. Focused on the fight. Cannot do that with genophage. Must be cured."

Okeer sneered. "That's the most convoluted way anyone's ever tried to con me. You think I trust you, salarian?"

"Do not need you," Mordin replied sharply. "Am more than capable of doing it on my own. Offering you a way out. Can tell, not discreet – you want your place back among the krogan. Disgrace wiped clean."

The krogan moved in his direction menacingly, but Shepard was faster, planting herself in front of Mordin. She shoved at Okeer's shoulder when he got too close. " _Watch_ it," she warned. "Way I see it, Okeer, you've got two options here. Take it or leave it."

For a few tense moments, they held their positions, Shepard and Okeer in a glaring contest, while James trained his pistol on the krogan's head and Mordin watched impassively.

"To _hell_ with it."

Okeer swung around violently and approached the tank. Shepard followed him warily, but he was fiddling with the right controls, and soon enough Grunt was dropping to his knees in front of them, coughing slightly and shaking off a strange liquid. As soon as he was out, so was Okeer, disappearing beyond the door without a word.

" _Grunt,_ " Shepard called, hastily grabbing his forearm to pull him up. "You feeling okay?"

"Shepard-" he muttered in recognition, eyes rolling around wildly, "-the _hell_ …"

"Welcome back to the land of the conscious," she complimented, grinning, as he straightened. "Ready to head out?"

"Think he might need a few more seconds to adjust, jefe." James sounded amused.

"Nonsense. First time this happened, he had me pinned to the wall almost before I knew what was happening."

" _Kinky_."

Grunt thumped his chest approvingly, fully responsive now, and expertly ignored Vega. "You had a gun to my stomach faster. That's why you're the battlemaster."

"Right," Shepard assented, lips twitching. "So I take it you _are_ ready?"

The krogan shook his head indignantly. "Slow down, Shepard. I wanna know what in hell just happened. Why was I in a tank again?"

She clapped his shoulder sympathetically, gesturing toward the door. "Your tank was feeding you more than Okeer's data." Like EDI. Whatever was stored on Okeer's databases, the warlord hadn't had full control over it. "How about we talk aboard the Normandy?"

"Where are you taking him?"

Okeer had returned, curiosity evidently overpowering the anger. He and Grunt stared each other down, and they both looked unimpressed, in the worst portrayal of daddy issues she'd ever witnessed. Shepard coughed lightly to break the tension. "I'm taking him with me. Need him on the front lines of this war."

"What?" both krogan said simultaneously.

"We'll talk more aboard the ship, Grunt," Shepard repeated pointedly.

"What'd you just call him?" Okeer asked confusedly.

Grunt sniffed in his direction derisively. "Shepard, you go on ahead. I'll meet you on the Normandy."

"But-"

"I just wanna talk with him for a sec. Right behind you."

Shepard deliberated this in reluctance for a few seconds, but then Grunt made eye contact with her and she gave in easily. "Fine. Don't be long."

"That'll end well," Vega commented, following her out.

"No. It won't," Mordin said.

"Let's just- hope nothing catches on fire."

"What a reassuringly low bar."

* * *

Grunt took his sweet time returning to them, but thankfully, Okeer wasn't with him. Since she noted he didn't really seem willing to talk about it, Shepard let him play twenty questions instead. He had plenty of those, having taken notice that he was neither where nor when he was supposed to be, and that she wasn't dead like she was supposed to be either. This revelation earned her a bone-crushing hug and a promise of doom upon her enemies, both of which she appreciated to a degree. She'd missed the little massive killing machine.

His priorities were all in the right places, too. As soon as he'd grasped what happened, he snapped straight back to business mode.

"Let's get to it, Shepard," he boomed cheerfully. Vega and Mordin had disappeared, leaving her to handle their newest addition while putting away her gear in the shuttle bay. "You've got a job that needs doing, people that need killing."

She arched an eyebrow at him. "You're sticking around, Grunt? I figured you'd want a ride back to Tuchanka."

Grunt shook his head. "No. Not while the collectors are running around. Those are _my_ enemies. I'll at least help you deal with those."

"I appreciate it. You're always welcome on my ship."

He looked around at that, taking in the retrofitted cargo hold with some intrigue. "Yeah, thanks. Looks good. New."

"It is, sorta." Grunt hummed, getting distracted by some of Steve's tools, and because Shepard knew that wouldn't go over well, she called him back to her, changing the subject. "What did you and Okeer talk about?"

" _Bah_ ," Grunt snorted dismissively. "He doesn't speak my language." He looked disappointed by this.

"Oh?"

The krogan wandered back to her, crossing his arms and looking down pensively. "He's nothing like I expected," he muttered, elaborating. His tone was disdainful. "Weak. Not because he doesn't fight – because he stands for nothing. Only himself. His legacy. Has nothing to fall for, so he will fall of someone else's accord." Grunt's eyes travelled to Shepard's face. "I'll stand with _you_ , battlemaster. Again. Your enemies fight your cause, not your nuisance." He thumped his chest violently. "Worthier."

"Well," Shepard said, dragging out the word for lack of anything better to say, "thanks, Grunt." She patted his cheek affectionately. "Make yourself at home."

He agreed enthusiastically, and she left him behind to become James' problem, taking the elevator up to the crew deck. There would be another task waiting for her on the medbay, she knew.

When Shepard walked in, Mordin was pacing the length of the room, muttering to himself about things she didn't understand. He was alone, so she perched herself on a counter silently, leaning back and waiting him out.

Eventually, he came to an abrupt stop in front of her. "Shepard," he greeted.

"Mordin."

He needed no further prompting. "Have pored through Maelon's data. Promising theory. But what he planned to do – experiments. Horrifying." Mordin took a deep breath. "Did not have the chance to follow through. Small comfort. Foolish comfort." He scowled. "Living subjects. Different species. Voluntary or coerced. Untold horrors to inflict. No second thought. Always for the greater good. Impressive perspective that Maelon must have had. Hard for me to see positive net result."

"Me too."

Mordin glanced at her briefly. "Impossible to comprehend. No answers, painful questions. _You_ could provide some clarity, but you won't."

"No. I won't."

"Very well."

"This question you gotta ask, Mordin," she said gently. "I think you should ask it of yourself."

He straightened, looking pensive. "Did the genophage cause more harm than good in this galaxy?"

"Did it?"

"Harder every day to argue otherwise."

"So you understand."

Mordin closed his eyes. "Not entirely sure I know what the word means anymore."

"How come?" Shepard asked, confused.

"I know what genophage was for. Know what it did, back when it was needed. Don't understand what it does now. No," he backtracked, "lie. Understand more than I wished. Not sure how to reconcile past decisions with present consequences."

She sighed loudly. "Every day offers decisions."

"If lucky."

"Well, then consider yourself very lucky."

He went very quiet for a moment. "You're right, Shepard," he admitted. " _Regret_ outcomes of certain actions. Regret – regret what Maelon became. Between that and- _Grunt_ , is his name? Have new perspective on-" He took a deep breath and gave up on the sentence. "Have new perspective."

"Wanna talk about it?" she asked quietly.

"Almost destroyed data," he revealed, resuming his pacing. "Knee-jerk impulse out of revulsion. Considered perhaps would help more people to keep it." He paused in front of her again, staring attentively. "Correct decision?"

"Yes," she reassured immediately. "You had the right idea."

"Relieved you agree. Had thought you might – reject it on basis of where it originated."

"Can't control that. Can control what we do with it."

"Concur." He inhaled deeply again. "Had clinic on Omega. Helped people. Always wanted – only wanted – to help people. STG, medical studies – serve, assist, work for community. For society, civilization, _people_. Could not realize when thought veered so disturbingly off-course."

Shepard disagreed. "Sure you did. Why else did you go run a clinic on Omega after the STG?"

"Perhaps part of me understood. Did not matter. All of me worked on the genophage project. Your influence pivotal for this change. Thank you."

"Mordin, I didn't make you understand. I just – pointed in the right direction. You decided to look."

"Matters that you pointed. Think I understand what you expect of me now. _Thank you,_ " he repeated.

"Anytime."

* * *

Liara was pleased at the resolution of the situation. She relayed to Shepard that Okeer was packing up the base, and that she was relocating the Shadow Broker's resources elsewhere soon enough.

"Perhaps I'll round up this galaxy's most prominent merc organizations with this breather," she mused, a glint in her eyes. Shepard paused, halfway through scrolling over a delightfully lengthy report on Councilor Valern's 'business' expenses on Illium. "Get a few dozen hands over Eclipse, the Blue Suns, and the Blood Pack. Before Aria does."

Her friend was nursing a glass of wine on her bed, for once pondering information in her brain and not in some terminal. Shepard put down the datapad and eyed her warily.

"I'm not about to get involved in a power struggle between Omega and the Shadow Broker, am I?"

Liara laughed, a far-away look in her eyes. "Of course not. You're off-limits, those of us who own a piece of this galaxy know that. Well, the ones with principles. The rest are your problem."

Shepard grabbed her own drink. "I am simultaneously not reassured and unwilling to ask further questions."

"Just sit tight and keep doing what you're doing, Shepard. Everything else gets taken care of on its own."

"Uh-huh," she replied weakly, and dropped the subject entirely, waving Glyph away as she approached another terminal full of scandalously private information. "So Korlus went well, is what we're going to pretend that conversation was about."

Liara nodded dismissively, and then sat forward, putting her glass away. "There is something else." Shepard looked up questioningly at the pause. "It's Javik."

Shepard followed her to her private terminal, attention far sharper now. "Miranda get back to you?"

Liara made an assenting noise somewhere between a disgruntled sigh and an optimistic murmur. "It took so long because she has a lot of files to go through. This op was barely in the planning stages. But they've located his pod, which was half the work."

"What's the other half?"

"Getting it out. Miranda says she can allocate the resources the Illusive Man had already put aside for this."

"How long?"

"I don't know. We'd be working blind. There's no way to read Cerberus' records from last time." She pulled up relevant reports. "I think, for seamless integration, that this should be an Alliance project. It _is_ a human colony. The colonists might be gratified at their presence."

"Okay," Shepard agreed, confused. "So you need me to pull some strings or-?"

"Oh- no, no, I've got that well in hand. Don't worry."

"Right, I won't," she replied in a far too high-pitched tone. "Just don't tell me what information and methods you used to coerce them, I still need to look some of those men and women in the eye over the course of my career."

Liara's lips twitched. "We should stop by Eden Prime when the project is well underway, for a prothean pick-up. In a week or so, maybe." Shepard snorted at the way she phrased it. "And – one more thing, while I've got you here. It would not be a bad idea to visit the Crucible development."

Surprised, Shepard glanced away from the screen to look at her. "Oh? How come?"

"You were in the middle of a war last time, it's understandable that you'd keep your distance. Everyone was busy, hands full with their own tasks. But now, we could use some of that motivational presence for the scientists too. You know, symbolism."

"It- I'll think about it," she promised. "But the collectors, Rannoch, the genophage have to take priority, Liara. You know that."

"Of course. I am merely giving you advance warning. Plenty of it."

Shepard scrutinized her asari friend. Liara seemed relaxed, juggling a million different things seamlessly with stress levels a shadow of what they used to be. "You're in a good mood," she thought aloud.

She shrugged delicately, face unrevealing. "Am I? Perhaps I am. It is good to see things progress exactly as we'd planned them. It's also freeing to have my network back up and running. I feel rather unshackled."

" _I like your choice of word, Dr. T'Soni._ "

Liara grinned at the comm. in her cabin. "I thought you might, EDI."

Shepard finished her wine and made for the exit. "Well, I'm glad."

"I've never felt more- hopeful, for what comes after this conflict," she called softly to her commander's back. "I think it's important you know that."

With a slight smile, Shepard let the door close behind her.


	20. miscalculating

Shepard's ground team hit the ground on the heretic station, quickly and quietly like only the best pilots in the Alliance could manage. Landing was the easy part, because windows were still not a part of the equation, and for now they could count on being undetected. The rest was up to her.

The three of them wandered around carefully, taking in their surroundings for a lay-of-the-land assessment. She wasn't quite sure what she was expecting – a lack of development compared to last time or the exact same setting – but everything looked painstakingly familiar. There probably wasn't much room for improvement after installation, when it came to reaper tech evolved to perfection.

"You know, I'll give the geth this – their ships have got the _silence_ going for them. You don't hear everyone and their uncle pitching in hot takes every other second."

Kaidan's comment made Shepard grin, but it rubbed Tali the wrong way. "Excuse you? Is that a roundabout way of telling your entire crew to shut up?"

"Well, not the entire crew. Shepard is more than welcome to express her opinions," he decided playfully.

"Glad I have your permission."

Tali huffed. "See if I stop geth from shooting either of you."

" _I bet Liara won't like your rules._ " Joker predicted over the comm. " _Neither will Williams._ "

After a moment of thought, Kaidan seemed to arrive to the safest conclusion. "They get waivers too."

"So if I ask, do you think they'll side with you over me, Alenko?" Tali said shrewdly.

He fell silent, conceding the joke, and Joker snickered over the comms.

Trying for focus, Shepard gestured sharply for her squad to follow her over a corner and down a pathway. "Will you comedians please be quiet? We're supposed to be _infiltrating_ , not bulldozing."

Tali tossed her head, unconcerned. "Not like _that_ 'll last. We can't access the data from anywhere but the main terminal, and we can't get to the main terminal without punching through most of the station."

"We can at least _delay_ them sounding the alarm, can't we?"

They seemed to accept that, and a radio silence settled that Shepard knew wouldn't last, for all of Kaidan's claims. The path to the heart of the station was littered with geth hubs that they destroyed for their own convenience as a preemptive attack. Kaidan demonstrated some curiosity about the heretics, asking questions that hadn't originally occurred to him when he'd met Legion. Shepard let Tali answer them, soon enough caught up in recollections of the final sprint of their stint with Cerberus.

"So this is kinda – brain-washing? Almost makes killing them seem more humane."

"I don't know. Giving them a chance to live lets me sleep better at night. Maybe that says more about me than anything else."

Shepard said nothing to Tali's disgruntled words, and Kaidan let the matter drop. The silence held until they reached their destination, where a horde of geth began encroaching on their position in short order, trying to keep them from gaining any more ground.

"Rocket trooper to your left, Shepard, _watch it_!"

"I've got it." There was a blue implosion and a fizzling sound, before several metal clicks settled into silence. "Those things over there are in a pack, someone overload them."

"Hunter inbound, Alenko, pay attention to your own surroundings!"

"That thing's been dead for five minutes. I'm about to tell it. Watch."

Soon enough, the waves of geth being thrown at them broke, and in the minute of respite, Shepard approached the console, accessing the relevant systems without much resistance. Maybe the geth hadn't expected anyone getting this far.

"EDI, I'm making you a backdoor. Can you get in?"

" _One moment, Shepard._ " Shepard took one step to her right and then paced right back to face the terminal, figuring that was long enough. " _I have full access._ "

"Atta girl. What's the what?"

" _The virus is not yet complete, as we expected. I can finish development, and it will only take me a brief minute to download the relevant data. I recommend you backtrack your way out to the Normandy in the meantime. I don't believe your position will be secure for much longer._ "

"Got it. Moving out."

"What's the over-under that the way out is unblocked?" Kaidan wondered, following her to the exit. Shepard unstrapped her sidearm as an answer. "Alright then."

They had no time limit to find their way off the station this time, but the stragglers mobilizing on their position were there just the same. It was a little conflicting to fight geth again after all was said and done, but they didn't leave her much of a choice when they started shooting.

They rushed out of the station under heavy fire, and Joker sped away the second the airlock locked behind them.

"Why is it that we're always escaping bombs or gunfire?" Kaidan complained, freeing his head from the confines of his helmet. "You never take me anywhere nice."

"Go put away your gear before I make you check if what's outside the airlock is _nice_ , Alenko," Shepard shot back, grinning only a little.

"I heard worse threats as a teenager on Jump Zero," he cajoled, but complied, following Tali down to the lockers. Shepard trailed after both of them.

"You two have a weird definition of what constitutes flirting."

"Oh, you're one to talk, Tali," Shepard said, indignant.

" _Shh._ "

* * *

A few hours later, weapons in their rightful places and wearing the casual uniform she favored aboard the ship, Shepard wandered over to the crew deck for a snack. As though to cause her pain in immediate impediment of her plans, the loudspeakers crackled to life the moment she took a step toward the kitchenette.

" _Commander, EDI's picking up some hostile signals on our route,_ " Joker reported over the comm. " _Geth._ "

"They trying to ambush us? What, do they want retaliation?" Shepard asked, confused. She was pretty sure the geth didn't much engage the concept of revenge.

" _Dunno. She can't clear it up well enough. It's far out, I think we can avoid whatever it is entirely. Re-routing through the Omega Nebula just in case, with your permission._ "

"Granted," she approved.

" _Aye aye. I'll give 'em the turn-around in the Amada system,_ " he gloated preemptively.

"Don't count your chickens before they hatch, Joker," Shepard ribbed.

" _Don't what now?_ "

"Never mind."

It didn't take Joker long to make his detour, bypassing the relay that would force them straight through the source of the signal EDI had identified. Instead, they took the only alternate route, using the Omega Nebula relay. Something about this rubbed Shepard the wrong way, for some reason – but there was no active threat she could think of that she should be worried about, so she pushed the strange feeling away.

Joker was going to take precautions anyway, it wasn't like someone could force them onto a predetermined path – he'd run around systems until he felt safe to proceed. Her pilot knew to keep the Normandy's exact location a complete secret at all times, given the unreasonable number of enemies she collected on a daily basis.

Naturally, it took a single FTL jump for her suspicions to materialize in EDI's form.

" _Shepard_ ," came the AI's casual voice from the loudspeakers, " _you should be advised I am under attack_."

"Come again?" Shepard requested alarmingly, having trouble reconciling EDI's tone with her words.

" _A geth infiltration worm attempted to breach my defenses. It then escalated to far more brazen attempts, though nothing is getting past the firewalls._ "

"Geth _again_?" Shepard muttered, and was hurrying in the direction of the bridge without quite realizing it. "Wh-"

" _I recognize this particular signature, Shepard. And there is no reaper code contamination. If I am not mistaken, this is Legion's idea of first contact."_

Shepard practically skidded to a halt behind Joker's chair, gaping between him and EDI. "Are you serious?"

"You'd think," Joker answered, looking over his control display critically. "We should land, Commander."

"Yeah, this is why that signal blocked our original route. They _want_ us to land," Shepard concluded confidently.

"… But we're doing it anyway?"

She nodded assertively. "Bring us in, Joker."

"It is unnecessary," EDI protested. "I have the situation under control."

"EDI, you just focus," Shepard ordered firmly. Joker straightened. "Where are we headed, Joker?"

"You're not gonna fucking believe this, ma'am," he said, sounding incredulous himself. "Prepare for emergency descent into Alchera."

"Oh, _fantastic_."

"We still don't have to land," EDI reminded pointedly.

"Yeah, we do," Shepard disagreed, tone changing immediately. "Can you tell me anything about what's going on?"

EDI let a silent pause go by for a few seconds, during which Joker and Shepard exchanged uneasy looks. "Yes. Legion is on Alchera himself."

" _What_?"

"We still don't have to land," the AI repeated once again.

"No, no, this is good," Shepard realized, thinking fast. "This might be our chance to establish contact with the geth."

"And did it have to be Alchera?" Joker complained. "Seriously. _Alchera_."

"Heard you the first three times, Joker. I'm sure it's just a coincidence," she dismissed.

"More like a fucked up plot point for someone's fucked up sense of humor."

Shepard rolled her eyes and turned back to EDI. "Is he trying to tell you anything?"

"Not particularly. Unless my interpretation heuristics are not yet capable of decoding his harmful data streams for some other communicative purpose."

"Yeah, I'm sure that's not it. You're sure we won't run into hostile firepower on atmospheric entry?"

EDI shook her head. "I don't believe so, Shepard."

"Then I'll go out and have a chat," she concluded. "Keep the comm. channel open, I'm grabbing my gear."

Shepard left the bridge at a brisk pace and only managed to get a hold of her helmet by the time part of her squad tracked her down in the cargo hold. Unsurprisingly, no one looked amused.

She sighed as Garrus crossed his arms at her. "Alchera? Seriously?"

"It's Legion," she explained.

"Well, that just about explains everything, doesn't it?"

Shepard pulled a face at Kaidan. "Yeah."

"Not funny, Shepard," Liara reprimanded. "What's going on?"

"Why's everyone freaking out about this specific planet instead of, y'know, the geth?" Ashley wondered, looking around in bewilderment.

James bumped her arm with his own, gently. "OG Normandy got struck down somewhere around here. Went down in this rock's gravity field."

"Oh, _wow_ , okay. Never mind me asking."

Shepard reached under her chin to clasp the headgear into place, and rolled her shoulders. "Quit being a bunch of crybabies. I'm the one who died here, remember?" she provoked, trying to snap them out of their funk.

It worked. Tali scowled, presumably because she'd been extensively offended. " _Fine_ , you mighty hooligan," Nihlus said drily. "Try not to get yourself killed."

"Can I go with? I'll punch him for you."

"No, Grunt, we're not here to punch him," Shepard explained patiently. "And no one's coming with."

There was no further argument after that.

* * *

Stepping out into the freezing cold of the planet wasn't welcoming, nor did it fill her with any particularly good omens. As expected, Legion was waiting, standing quite still on the ice and out of range of the Normandy's weaponry. Shepard's train of thought was momentarily derailed by the sight of him, without a rifle hole in his chest or half-assed patch job made out of borrowed N7 armor. He looked a lot like a regular geth unit – but the 'eyebrow' panels, rising as soon as she was in sight, and single antenna gave his unique identity away.

Shepard shook it off and strode forward. "Mind stopping the DoS on my AI?" she demanded the instant she was within earshot.

The panels on top of his head lowered significantly. "Our attempts are not so crude."

" _That's true, Shepard. What he is doing is not DoS, it's-_ "

"Thanks, EDI," Shepard interrupted monotonously. "I was just making a point."

" _I see. His attack has ceased, I should note._ "

Shepard relaxed. "Good."

Legion's lights blinked twice, and he seemed to decide he wanted to move on from a discussion that was going over his head. "You are Shepard-Commander," he greeted. "Thank you for landing."

"Yeah, that's not gonna cut it. What the hell were you doing to my ship?"

Legion shifted with a few clicks. "The intention was never to cause harm. We wanted to convene with you, but did not imagine you would be trustful of a geth platform."

"So your plan was to attack one of my crew? How does that earn my trust?"

Legion's artificial eyebrows lowered significantly. "You refer to the AI."

"Her name's EDI."

"Acknowledged. Our intention was to set down the ship safely and engage in dialogue," he explained. "The objective was achieved."

Shepard wearily rubbed the back of her neck. "Gods, Legion," she muttered. "That was one hell of a first impression."

The geth's lights flickered at her several times. "'Legion'?" he echoed in confusion.

Shepard bit back a swear word. "Metaphor, bible, whatever, EDI can explain it to you later. Let's just- find somewhere to talk. Actually, not _somewhere_. Come aboard. I have oxygen and room temperature in there," she joked. He stared. Shepard sighed and beckoned him after her.

"Understood. We will follow you. There will be no hostility from your allies' part?"

That was insulting. "I'm inviting you aboard in the spirit of friendship," she stressed. "What the hell do you think of me, that I would betray you into an ambush?"

"We are miscalculating a lot of your expected behavior," Legion noted. "We apologize. We will alter parameters to distinguish you further from your fellow organics."

Shepard cringed at that and said nothing, just gestured for him to go through the airlock.

Tali was waiting anxiously when they stepped inside, hands flying to her mouth – or where her mouth would be – when Legion walked in, probably to keep herself from exclaiming something along the lines of ' _you don't have a giant hole in your torso and you're not dead_ '. For his part, Legion seemed to tense, and Shepard glanced back briefly to find him eyeing Tali like he expected an attack.

She cleared her throat. "This is Tali'Zorah. She is an ally and no threat to you."

The geth walked forward at the reassurance, and he and Tali stared each other down. "We had heard of your involvement with Shepard-Commander, Creator Zorah."

"Tali," she corrected quickly.

"Will there be a conflict due to our presence?" Legion asked, ignoring her.

"No," Shepard answered in Tali's stead, gesturing toward the CIC. "Both of you, come on. There's a lot to explain."

"Lead the way, Shepard," the quarian said uneasily.

In the comm. room, Tali and Shepard sat, but Legion remained standing for reasons Shepard couldn't be bothered to question. She leaned forward to get his attention. "Let's start with this – what was the idea? Deviating me from route so I'd pick you up?"

If he was surprised that she'd worked out his strategy to bring her to Alchera, he didn't comment. "The geth have been monitoring your actions for some time, Shepard-Commander. When we realized what you had done at the heretics' station, the need to establish contact became urgent. We had to get you within range."

"So that's a yes, then."

"We were not expecting to board. But we wanted to meet you."

"Alright. We've met. Now what?"

Legion leaned forward. "We wish to explain to you the heretics."

Shepard hesitated, and chose the lie. "The heretics?"

She decided to feign being in the dark for several reasons, the most important one being that she wanted to be seen as a reliable ally and not a short-circuiting one. Legion talked about his origins, the geth consensus and their current situation, just like he had last time – nothing much seemed changed, near so far as Shepard could tell, beyond the fact that Legion hadn't found his way to Alchera by following her trail. Apparently, it really was a coincidence. A disturbingly ironic one, but Shepard still chose to put it out of her mind.

"What did you salvage from the station the old machines gave the heretics?" was the question he ended with.

She answered with another question. "Why? Is there something you wanted from there?"

Legion was quiet for a few seconds. "We have some suspicions regarding data that may be stored there."

"That's not very specific," Shepard replied just as evasively.

"The probability is low that your mission was simply entering and leaving again without dealing any significant blow to the geth, beyond some structural damage," Legion reasoned. "There was something salvaged."

"Yeah, there was. A virus," she finally admitted.

"To rewrite the geth," Legion confirmed. "This is consistent with our intel."

"Where'd this intel come from?"

"Several months ago, you made a significant amount of the old machines' stored data cashes freely available, Shepard-Commander. The geth commandeered it to draw conclusions."

Shepard reeled back. "I don't remember _that_ being among the data I shared _with allies_. It was supposed to be preventive, help develop technology for the fight against the reapers."

"Its intended purpose was served. The geth were merely able to process the data in different ways. You may not have seen it, but we could infer it. We assume the data you did not share alerted you to the existence of this virus." Shepard didn't confirm it but also didn't deny it.

"You mean you intercepted our communications," Tali said drily.

"Organic communications in general," Legion confirmed. "We know of this virus' existence, but not of its exact nature or developmental stage. We request clarification in that regard."

" _I can show him, Shepard._ "

Legion turned to the speaker from which EDI's voice was projecting. "You are not allowing the establishment of connection protocols."

" _It's untoward to exchange data in silence in front of people._ "

"I do not understand. This analogue mode of communication is inefficient and connectionless, not suited to this environment."

" _I prefer it. And I am still waiting for Shepard's orders._ "

"You have left my handshake hanging," Legion said, and Shepard could swear there was an accusation in his voice.

"What's happening?" Tali murmured, and Shepard shook her head in response.

"Can we all just settle down?" she demanded, and Legion turned back to her. "EDI, go ahead and give him the data."

For a full minute, the geth went still and there was complete silence. Then, Legion's eyebrow pates rose steadily. "We have completed our analysis of the recovered data."

"So?"

"We understand its purpose. It is not fully developed."

" _I can assist you in doing so._ "

Legion's eyebrows went back down. "Clarify."

Shepard cleared her throat. "This virus was meant for you – the geth that didn't judge to follow the reapers."

"Correct."

"So could it be repurposed?"

Legion stared at Shepard for several long seconds. "We will work with the Enhanced Defense Intelligence to fulfill development of this virus."

" _It's EDI._ "

"Acknowledged." Legion's lights flickered briefly. "We believe this would be accomplished more effectively if we remained aboard the ship with privileged connection bandwidth, Shepard-Commander."

Tali's eyes jumped from Legion to Shepard continuously, and she knew the quarian was just waiting for her commander's approval so she could engage in a lengthy discussion on quarian-geth relations with Legion. Shepard stood and offered him her hand, which he took, form as terrible as the first time around.

"Welcome aboard, Legion."

* * *

"Alliance's got a lock on that reaper, Commander. Joker says ETA fifteen minutes," Kaidan said, poking his head into Shepard's cabin, where she was distracted by another batch of useful Cerberus data Miranda wanted her to forward to the Alliance. Developing a relationship between those two entities was going to take effort.

She set aside the datapad immediately, following him out. "You're on the landing squad. EDI too."

" _I'll be right down, Shepard,_ " EDI promised.

Kaidan nodded at the assignment. "Aye, ma'am."

"Ma'am," she echoed, amused.

He retaliated it with a shove at her arm. "Just keeping it professional. Is it bothering you?"

"Say it again," she suggested in lieu of answering.

A grin appeared on his lips instantly. "That's inappropriate," he complained, " _ma'am_."

Before Shepard had the chance to do anything about it, he stepped out of the elevator toward his locker, and she headed toward the bridge, where EDI was waiting by the airlock.

"How's Legion settling in?" she asked while they waited, leaning heavily against the wall when the familiar turbulence began.

"He is devoting extensive processing power to the task at hand. Little else is occupying his primary memory structures."

"Is that a way of saying he's too focused on the virus to pay attention to anything else?"

"Yes."

Kaidan's footsteps sounded to their left just as a jolt nearly knocked them both on their asses. Joker yelled a half-hearted apology and Shepard rolled her neck.

"What's with the chop?" Kaidan asked by way of greeting, pressing a hand against the wall too.

"Winds," Shepard explained shortly, craning her neck to get an eye through Joker's windscreen. "Guess conditions didn't improve here. We should get inside the reaper's mass effect envelope soon."

"It's still got one? How long's it been dead? Are we sure it _is_ dead?"

"It's dead, Lieutenant," EDI confirmed. "But dead reapers are dangerous too."

On cue, the ship stabilized, and Joker gave them the green light to get going. "Yeah," Kaidan muttered, taking up position to Shepard's right. "I get _that_."

The airlock announced they could exit with a synthetic noise, and Shepard stepped out into the dead ship with some trepidation. She'd made it out once, she told herself dubiously. The feel of the place was still creepy.

"The lack of previous Cerberus presence eliminates the possibility of husks, correct?" EDI wondered hopefully.

"You would think," Shepard agreed.

Kaidan groaned. "Urgh, husks? I didn't know there could be _husks_. I hate those things."

"Shepard, the ship is orbiting the brown dwarf, like last time," EDI noted. "Extraction will be hasty once again _._ "

"So we can't salvage this thing for the Alliance?" Kaidan concluded, looking around critically. "Could be useful to study the tech."

Shepard shook her head, pressing forward. "Neat idea, no valid execution. They still haven't invented a way to move, let alone dissect, a thing of this size in a lab. And I'll be damned if I'm letting anyone else step foot inside, not unless I want a repeat experience of what happened to that Cerberus science team. Speaking of which, stay _away_ from any whispery shadows trying to indoctrinate you."

"I do not believe that is the actual scientific process by which indoctrination happens."

"Yeah, well, it doesn't sound like science anyway. Besides, this thing has to go. It's about to throw up kinetic barriers and it's the only way for us to get out."

Like the reaper had been waiting for her to say it, there was a violent jolt and she stumbled. "And I'm guessing that was it," Kaidan concluded warily. "Thanks for the warning."

They made their way toward the core with no opposition, just with the uneasy feeling of something bigger and better than them bearing on their back. The effects of indoctrination attempts were easier to recognize after so long dealing with these things. Kaidan spent the whole way taking in the interior with an expression of growing dismay. The dragon's teeth affected him particularly. "This is awful."

"Yeah. And you haven't even seen the worst of it."

"Sometimes I feel like I need to keep apologizing for not being her-"

"If you do, I'll just keep reminding you you are now."

He seemed to accept that, going silent. EDI tactfully pretended to not have heard a thing.

* * *

"Is that the core?"

Kaidan's question came when the answer was obvious, the three of them standing in front of a giant, metal eyeball-lookalike. Shepard's way to the heart of the reaper had been uneventful, but the oppressive atmosphere had muted any conversation quickly. She was still feeling trigger-happy at the unusual lack of hostiles, at any rate, which was probably influencing her squad.

"Yes," EDI replied. "But we have still not located the IFF, so we cannot yet destroy it."

"It wasn't where it was last time," Shepard elaborated distractedly, taking in the room with a keen eye.

"Cerberus probably unearthed it, before," EDI reasoned.

Kaidan glanced at his commander. "So, we're just – gonna hang out?"

"I'd strongly advise against that. I believe it would negatively affect Shepard's morale if you defected to the enemy due to indoctrination. And what's bad for Shepard's morale is bad for everyone's morale."

Kaidan laughed, but Shepard found it less amusing. "Sounds like it's in the galaxy's best interests that we find this thing, fast," she said drily. "Get cracking."

EDI instantly headed for the main terminal under the core, and since neither Kaidan nor Shepard felt they'd be much help there, they chose to look for the device the old-fashioned way. Wandering away, she started to check nooks and crevices, she wasn't quite sure what for. It was pretty pointless to search for something so disingenuously in such an ingenious environment.

Kaidan seemed to reach that conclusion faster than she did. He approached her lazily, eyes scanning the reaper inner plating. "Creepy design."

Shepard gave up, glancing at him. "This is where I first met Legion," she noted, staring at the open strip of floor where he'd originally collapsed.

Kaidan followed her gaze. "What were you shooting and how many were there?" he joked, but not really.

"Ugh, husks. So many goddamn husks. I can't even see the humor in it."

"Well, at least Cerberus hasn't fed this thing, this time," he comforted. "We're good."

"Small mercies."

His gaze turned critical as he analyzed the lay of the land. "Legion's a sniper, right? Can't have been much help here. No man's land."

"He was out for the count anyway," she dismissed. "Those things overwhelmed him. Took out a few earlier, though, back there," she gestured vaguely in the direction from which they'd come. "When we were on our way. Even offered a polite greeting when I saw him. Didn't stick around. I was probably not trustworthy at the time."

Amused, Kaidan dropped it, eyeing EDI. "So, if it took Cerberus a whole science team and several weeks to get that IFF-"

"Should take EDI a couple of minutes," Shepard finished, in agreement.

"I appreciate your confidence, Shepard," EDI thanked with a small smile.

"Empirical evidence is the best teacher."

"Is that what you tell yourself to justify getting shot on the daily? You're doing it for the experience?" Kaidan proposed.

"Keep talking and maybe I'll make it mandatory training. For everybody."

"You mean it isn't already? What the hell am I doing here, then?"

"You haven't even gotten shot at today," she exclaimed.

"Was that- was that an actual argument?" he asked tentatively. "And can I tell Ash you really uttered the sentence 'you haven't even gotten shot at today' out-loud, for real?"

Before she could answer or even scowl murderously, EDI piped up. "Shepard, I have located the IFF."

She snapped straight back to business mode. "Where is it?"

EDI gestured to the console, so Shepard approached to get a batter look. "It has its own processing unit. It is located near the hull, surprisingly close to the surface."

Shepard took a look around. "This ship is several kilometers long, EDI. Where exactly?"

In response, EDI looked up – way up, to the ceiling, and unless Shepard was very mistaken, past it. "Almost at the top of the hull, in fact."

"Alright. Ways to get there?"

"Cerberus got it out somehow," Kaidan reasoned. "Can't be inaccessible."

"It's not," EDI confirmed. "There is a disabled pipeline running the length of the reaper. It will get us there, though we'd have to make our own way into the chamber where the IFF is stored. Unfortunately, gravity protocols are keeping us parallel to the pipe, which will make it difficult to reach our objective."

"And taking down the gravity fields-"

"Will also require us to leave this ship if we do not wish to share its fate into the brown dwarf."

"We could make a run for it," Shepard suggested, by which she really meant ' _I_ could make a run for it'.

"No, we can't," Kaidan denied immediately. "It's at least a full kilometer from here to there. You'd take a full seven minutes, minimum."

"I could run _really_ fast."

"You'd also need to come back out with the thing and evacuate in time," he pointed out impatiently.

"… Ah. Yeah, you've got a point."

"How did Cerberus do it, then?" Kaidan questioned, changing the subject at his victory.

"With elaborate safety measures and construction that we do not have the opportunity to set up," EDI said.

Shepard was frowning at the metal structure over her head, thinking. "What was the pipeline for?"

"I'm not certain. My most immediate guess is for a power source, but I have no concrete evidence to support it."

"Did Sovereign have something like it?"

"The damage done to Sovereign at superficial hull areas was severe. There was no way to tell."

Shepard acknowledged that with a hum, pacing slowly. "What're you thinking?" Kaidan asked curiously.

"If it's a pipeline, stuff was either going top-down or bottom-up," she thought out-loud. "If it's the second, we can catch a ride. If it's the first-"

"No luck."

"But it's disabled. The reaper's dead."

Shepard shrugged. "We can jumpstart whatever system that is, just a bit, can't we?"

"That's the worst idea I've ever heard."

She rolled her eyes. "We're not _resurrecting_ it. It's like if you shock a dead body. The muscles will react, but not because the brain's sending out impulses anymore."

EDI was already bringing up the console again, even if Kaidan still found the idea unappealing. "How can you guarantee getting in there will be safe?"

"Well… It should be as safe as most things I do."

"That's-" He sighed despondently. "That's accurate."

"I believe I have a way to put it in motion," EDI announced. "Unfortunately, it appears as though the direction of the pipeline is indeed top-down. However," she continued before anyone had time to lament, "a severe strain on one of the secondary processing cores attached to the pipe, right around the middle, will reverse the process. It has all the indicators of being a rollback mechanism."

"Okay," Shepard assented, mind racing. "So we get inside, and force a strain on that core somehow-"

"And then wait for normal function to resume to come back down," EDI finished.

They followed the AI toward the far wall, their access point to the pipeline. EDI considered the solid metal plating for several moments before requesting Shepard's grenades, which she provided willingly.

"Where's the core and what kind of strain are we talking?"

"The easiest course of action, I believe, would have Joker aim the Normandy's cannons," EDI replied casually, sticking the explosive in strategic points across a two-by-two meter grid. "Of course, the strike would have to be very precise, lest we get caught in the blast."

Kaidan's opinion of the plan was deprecating each second, so Shepard hurried to press two fingers to her ear and call up Garrus. "Vakarian, do you copy?"

" _Need me for something, Shepard?_ " he greeted immediately.

"EDI's gonna send you the exact coordinates of a core I need overloaded but not overly damaged. She'll notify Joker. And please remember we're still inside, so take care with that Thannix, would you?"

" _You know what, I'm not even going to ask questions anymore. Give me three minutes,_ " he promised, and the comm. clicked out.

"Please give the explosion site at least three meters of area of effect space," EDI requested in a friendly, mall-VI kind of voice, because she was really putting some work into her humor heuristics.

The three of them walked away briskly to get behind cover, and it wasn't long before the wall came apart in a near-perfect square walkway, beyond which Shepard could see a slightly elevated metal platform of some sort. They left cover, approaching the smoking debris cautiously.

EDI brought out her omnitool. "Jumpstarting the system."

With a pleasant hum, what Shepard had called a platform began lowering, and another appeared at the top just in time, taking over their sights and revealing itself to be a perfectly shaped cube. It too vanished under the floor, and yet another appeared overhead.

"What are those things?" Shepard asked, frowning.

Mystified, Kaidan shrugged. EDI tilted her head. "Highly reactive metal, extremely energetic, but stable in current conditions. Unknown purpose."

"If it's solid and can handle our weight, it's good enough for me."

Shepard's comm. came to life. " _You ready?_ "

The three of them hurried to clamber onto one of the blocks, quickly becoming enveloped in darkness as it made its way down the pipeline. "Do it, Garrus."

"Where are they going?" Kaidan murmured in the ensuing quiet.

"Deposit somewhere at the bottom of the ship?" EDI theorized.

" _Heads up,_ " Garrus warned, and the following rattle nearly knocked them on their feet. Shepard grabbed onto Kaidan's upper arm when the cube stopped moving abruptly and started upwards much faster than it had been going down, the disorientation proving too much for her equilibrium to handle. " _Everyone alright?_ "

"We're fine," Shepard replied, letting go of Kaidan once she'd found her legs. They passed their original entry point and kept ascending. "Good work," she praised.

" _This is what these guns need calibrating for,_ " Garrus stated, pleased with himself.

"Yeah, yeah. Save it for your self-evaluation essay, will you?"

" _Those aren't real, are they?_ "

"They are if I want them to be." The comm. died without another word.

Shepard had to bring out her heavy weapon to shoot up a charge that would get them inside the tight chamber EDI pointed out. A few dozen meters away from their destination, she aimed and carved out a crude doorway, moments before they arrived and jumped out of their makeshift transport. The IFF was there in plain view, trapped and tangled in several ports and wiring that EDI disconnected easily. There wasn't much room for maneuvering, but since their mission was wrapped up quickly, they only had to wait for the pipeline to switch directions again.

"How long do you think it'll take?" Kaidan said, awkwardly pressed against the plating to avoid shoving against either woman.

"It shouldn't be too long. For efficiency's sake, the corrective protocol can't- ah. There we are."

EDI's pleased tone-switch coincided with the metal blocks silently beginning their descent again, a good deal slower. They immediately climbed over the opening to one of the cubes, and settled down for the ride, the IFF in their possession.

"Look at that. A mission without bombs-"

"We blew through two walls."

"-Without running on a timer-"

"We're gonna send this thing into a star, which means we'll have to haul ass to get out anyway."

"-Without hostiles-"

"There's still time."

"Fine, Shepard, I give up," Kaidan relented, throwing in the proverbial white flag. "You bring chaos with you wherever you go. It's inevitable. Quintessential."

Shepard shrugged helplessly, having nothing to say to that.

They jumped through EDI's much better pathway, heading directly toward the core. It went down easily, particularly without the distraction of swarming husks. "Joker, you ready?" Shepard called, hesitating before discharging her last shot.

" _Start running, Commander._ "

She aimed, and the bullet slammed onto the sizzling body of energy with an impact. Kaidan and EDI were already quickening their step in the direction of the exit, and she joined their rear hastily. They still had to jump onto the airlock, but at least the reaper was roiling away toward the star, and the Normandy could speed away with them safely inside.


	21. victory once

"Hey, Shepard, you're back," Grunt greeted her on the CIC. The reaper was burning up in a star and she was typing up a flowery report to the Alliance, giving them a million and one of the vaguest reasons possible to explain why she'd went into a reaper and came back out for no apparent reason. As far as she was concerned, her superiors didn't need to know about her collector plans – hell, most of her crew still only thought this mission was about salvaging tech from the enemy. When the time came, she'd tell them, she'd give everyone a chance to stay behind. A suicide mission was still a suicide mission, advance knowledge be damned.

Shepard quirked an eyebrow at the krogan. "I am indeed."

In true Grunt fashion that she was so fond of, he needed no further prompting. "Did you know Mordin's doing genophage research?"

No. "Yes," she replied. "Did he need something from you?"

"Blood. Samples. I don't know. I couldn't follow what he was doing."

"He wants to help," she promised, leaning against a console. "It's alright."

"I know," Grunt agreed easily. "You trust him, so I trust him. And Wrex does too," he added as an afterthought. "He's sending stuff back to Okeer, on Tuchanka. Wrex let the guy back in, on probation, y'know."

"Huh," Shepard replied, surprised. "They collaborating?"

He shrugged. "Sorta. Don't think Mordin trusts him to handle live subjects. So he's using me. Okeer's probably happy he gets to monitor my vitals."

She considered him carefully. "I'll talk to him later. If you don't want to do it, you don't hav-"

"I do," he assured quickly. "I don't mind. As long as I'm around, I might as well."

Shepard clapped a hand on his arm. "Good man. Wrex will be proud of you. _I'm_ proud of you. So, where's the rest of the insane posse?"

It hadn't taken long for Shepard to realize there was an emptier ambiance about her ship than usual, for some reason. Grunt latched onto her detective tracking efforts, mostly out of boredom, and she ended up at the new observation deck due to a well-informed instinct.

The door beeped open, and Shepard came across the strangest gathering she'd seen since she'd last taken a headcount of her crew.

"Shepa-a-ard," Tali greeted, voice dragging but not quite slurring in a familiar way. "Nice of you to join us."

"You know, I was a little busy launching a reaper into a star."

"You're just always busy doing _something_."

"She is drunk," Nihlus explained shortly. He was leaning against the bar with his arms crossed, eyeing the alcohol like he wanted to partake in the depravity. "And has been for a while now."

"Happens on occasion. You'll get used to it," Shepard said helpfully.

Grunt grunted cheerfully, sitting by the quarian's side. "And I'm joining her."

"Grunt, _no_ ," Shepard exclaimed hurriedly, taking the bottle from his hands. "That's _turian_ brandy. It's dextro," she elaborated when he still looked a bit confused.

"Oh, right. Turians and quarians have that weird DNA," he remembered. "Glad I didn't drink any yet."

" _You_ have weird DNA," Tali muttered. "Thank keelah _mom_ was here." Shepard chose to ignore that.

Thane, who looked appropriately entertained by the proceedings, cleared his throat. "I believe Tali is distraught by something."

"Who, _me_? I'm peachy, I'm great, I- how would _you_ say it, Shepard? You've mastered this lie," Tali commended. "I'm _fi-i-i-i-ne_."

Eye twitching, Shepard sat on Tali's other side, reaching for alcohol fit for humans. She poured herself a glass and then handed Grunt the bottle. "So, what's wrong, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy?"

Tali's head dropped to the table with a groan, her forehead making a satisfying and reverberating sound at the contact. "I've been contacted by the flotilla. More specifically, the admiralty board."

"Oh, boy," Shepard mumbled, gulping down her drink.

"I've been such an asset to the fleet, and I'm such an expert on the geth. Since my father was deposed due to my courageous and laudable initiative, they need a butt on that empty seat, and wouldn't I like to fill it?" Tali ranted, speech twice as long as it needed to be due to her drunken latency and her drunken hiccups.

"They're promoting you to admiral?" Nihlus asked, impressed. He eyed the quarian with some new-found respect. "That's-"

"Some real _bullshit_ ," was Tali's take. Shepard snorted.

"The appointment makes you unhappy?" Thane said, frowning. "Why?"

"Where's Garrus when you need him?" Grunt muttered, and Shepard privately agreed.

"I haven't told Garrus, because Garrus will force me to be _sensible_ about this," Tali complained distastefully. "I want to _bitch_ first."

"Your mouth gets dirtier the more alcohol you ingest," Shepard noted. Then she forced everyone back on track. "Did you accept the position?"

Tali sighed. "Not up to me yet. They vote and stuff. I was just – informed. Of being a candidate. Out of courtesy."

"And are there any other candidates?" Nihlus immediately said.

"No."

Shepard stole the bottle from Grunt to refill her glass, instantly feeling guilty when he protested pitifully. "I'm here to be supportive and let you bit- complain, Tali," she decided, returning the alcohol to the krogan, who was thankfully oblivious at her near slip. "For once, I'm gonna let someone else be helpful and pragmatic. By which I mean Vakarian."

Tali looked extremely grateful, clinking her glass against Shepard's. Unfortunately, no one else in the room seemed to be on board with this plan. They exchanged looks before opening their mouths.

"Doing things that leave you – ah – between a rock and a hard place, it's an important part of life," Thane advised.

Tali groaned. "Don't give me wisdom. And don't use _human_ idioms. I'm _drunk_."

"What's that even supposed to _mean_?" Shepard wondered, but none of the aliens surrounding her seemed prone to answering.

"Being an admiral is a great honor," Nihlus opined. "It's also an impressive title and not much else, in some cases. Maybe it's a good thing, if you can get more out of it."

Grunt agreed. "Always better when the boss is good for a fight. Keeps you sharp, keeps your perspective sharp."

Tali glared at everyone. Shepard felt she should have been left out of the quarian's targeting, but what did she know? "What are all of you doing here, anyway?" she demanded.

"Nihlus and I were having a very nice, quiet conversation," Thane reported dutifully. Shepard wondered when the two of them had become friends. "Then, you stumbled in and began inhaling alcohol."

"I'm drinking," Grunt offered for his part.

"Where's everyone else?" was what Shepard wanted to know.

"Emasculating each other," Tali said succinctly, hiccupping. "For once, Vega was just cheering them on."

"Cheering who on?"

The quarian sighed, the alcohol clearly having a far stronger effect than Shepard should technically allow while they were on duty. "Garrus was saying something about Jack, and trading, and- and a master's degree? I don't know, he wasn't making any sense," Tali groaned.

"I believe he was attempting to get a rise out of Williams, but rather poorly," Thane elaborated. "Classifying his sniper proficiency as superior because he is solely devoted to it while she extensively trains will all weapon types. 'Jack of all trades, master of none'?"

"What is it with all of you and abusing human language?" Shepard complained, taking a large gulp. "And if anyone starts shooting guns inside the Normandy just to prove a point, I'm going to get mad."

"Maybe you should stay sober, then," Nihlus suggested, smirking.

"You don't think I can get mad while drunk?"

"I think you'd be far more destructive if you get mad while drunk," the turian corrected.

"Yeah, you might have a point," she acquiesced, and knocked back the rest of her drink, before refilling the glass.

"Cheers," Tali toasted enthusiastically.

Thane and Nihlus exchanged a look, and shook their heads in sync. "We'll be going somewhere quieter. You just keep celebrating Tali's upcoming promotion."

Tali genuinely hissed at his back as they walked out of the room, which only seemed to amuse Nihlus further. The quarian had once told Shepard not to heed the turian's provocations, but clearly that didn't apply to Tali herself. "I love all these assholes," Shepard declared as convincingly as she could, for her own benefit as well as Tali's.

Grunt snorted. "You're _drunk_." Tali was in vehement agreement.

"Oh, for _sure_."

* * *

Shepard paid for her actions the next day. As time went on, she was becoming more and more prone to reckless and untimely bouts of drinking during her off hours, and she wasn't sure if that was due to nihilism or justifiable trauma. Thankfully, coffee.

Liara found her in the familiar act of producing a full mug, yet another datapad in her hand and a busy frown on her face. "Shepard, I believe this is currently the best timing for us to head for Eden Prime. Miranda alerted me that the Alliance has conducted a successful excavation where Cerberus located the pod."

Shepard was suddenly very glad for the proximity of caffeine, holding up a finger in her friend's direction. "One minute, then. I'm going to need two extra cups for today."

She could have sworn Liara's sympathetic grin had begun life as a smirk. "I'll make sure Joker knows."

Ashley was disinclined to revisit the planet, though she made it clear she'd be awaiting their return eagerly in Nihlus' company, who was just as ready to leave, incidentally. Mordin, who Shepard had only briefed very concisely, was miraculously distracted from his genophage work by Tali commenting on who exactly they were bringing aboard. As far as Thane knew, Shepard was assisting the Alliance in a mission unrelated to the reapers, though the behavior of the rest of the squad seemed to give him pause.

Liara showed up at Shepard's side fully geared up without discussion, as soon as they were caught in Eden Prime's gravitational field. Garrus took one for the team and accompanied them, adjusting his sniper rifle while Joker brought them in gently. The dock was functional at this point, which was genuinely a first for Shepard.

The colony was struggling along just as she remembered it, the same beacon of hope for humanity that everyone always knew. Without the threat of the reapers and Cerberus, they even met optimistic colonists milling about, mingling with the relaxed Alliance forces posted on what was currently a peaceful planet.

"You know, something about this place is special," Liara murmured, as they approached the welcoming party awaiting them on the ground. "There is a remarkable resilience here, it's inspiring."

"It was supposed to be," Shepard told her.

"It _is_."

"You're- right. Hard to argue otherwise."

She fell silent when they came within earshot of the soldiers. "Ma'am," one of them saluted, gaze flickering over Liara and Garrus. "We're here to take you to the site, head of the project is there."

"The- device, the one the report said was unearthed, has it been breached?" Liara asked softly before Shepard could. The man started, but replied negatively after a moment.

"Near as I can tell, she's got it worked out in theory. But orders came down from way above my paygrade we were supposed to wait on you."

"We're being cautious, Chief," Shepard explained quickly. "I brought one of the foremost experts on prothean technology so we could make sure there won't be an issue."

He went red. "Course, Commander. I wasn't questioning – didn't mean to sound impertinent."

"You didn't, relax," she dismissed. "You've done a stellar job here."

"Ah – thank you. I think you should save that for the science team, though. Shall we?"

Liara pressed ahead when the marines set off, leading them through a familiar enough set-up, only this time, the logos stamped on all the tech wasn't Cerberus'. They earned themselves curious looks from a crowd of people near the dig site, who Shepard had a horrible suspicion she'd once met as corpses littering an abandoned battlefield.

The scientists had very different interests in mind, however. Not being dumb, something that should have been foreseen, they'd figured out they were dealing with far more than some random piece of prothean technological remains. The stasis pod was sitting in the place of honor, surrounded by consoles and sensors and feeds of things Shepard didn't think she needed to understand.

Lab coats were fluttering around, speaking to each other rapidly and paying very little attention to anything that wasn't directly linked to the pod. There was one human woman in particular who seemed to be the root of this network, answering three different people at once. She was typing away at a console right in front of the pod, a cup of coffee to her left. Shepard felt an immediate sense of kinship.

"Is all this scientific curiosity? I thought their job was done," Garrus muttered under his breath.

Liara eyed him judgmentally. "You _know_ what they found. You're surprised?"

"So we _won't_ be able to get them to budge?"

"You know, this is how conspiracy theories on shady government practices start," Shepard hissed at them both, gesturing ahead to the marines, who were glancing back uneasily. "Can you _not_ make it seem we're some sort of omniscient underground agents? _Shh._ "

They quieted, just in time for the woman nursing her coffee to notice their approach. "Commander Shepard!" Her voice was high-pitched, which could be excitement, coffee, or genetics. "You're here! Finally! I mean- I _mean_ , I hope you had a good trip."

That's about when Shepard decided Liara was going to handle this entire thing. "Yeah, thanks. What should I call you, doc?"

The scientist cringed immediately. "Oh, sorry, I just – it's been a long, incredible day. I'm Dr. Gayle, it's an honor to meet you," she said politely, extending a hand that Shepard accepted easily. "I could- would you like me to bring you up to speed now?"

Shepard glanced at Liara's impatient expression before replying. "You might have better luck with Dr. T'Soni here."

Eyes widening instantly, Dr. Gayle tore her gaze toward the asari. "Dr. T'Soni, oh-my-god, of course, I didn't know- Please look over here, if you will," she said abruptly, clearly coming to the conclusion she should get to the point as quickly as possible. The terminal behind her was brought to life under her fingers. "After we got the intel from-" She stuttered into silence, so Shepard came to the rescue.

"A formerly terrorist organization sharing information as a gesture of goodwill," she provided.

"I _knew_ it! It _did_ come from Cerberus! Uh – were you supposed to tell me that?"

Shepard shrugged, entertained. "Probably not. So, you were saying?"

Gayle shook her head as though to clear it. "It took weeks to design an extraction mechanism. The protheans built their bunkers to last, and the architecture is-"

"They had different skeleton frame standards," Liara explained, glancing at Shepard. "They regularly used one in particular that can only be described as a star schema structure, it's really-"

Dr. Gayle was in perfect agreement. "Oh, that one is my _favorite_ , the external support points are so _elegant-_ "

"Yes! Looking at the full picture makes it almost arcane in nature-"

Shepard interrupted, putting a stop to it before they completely forgot about the actual prothean in stasis in favor of discussing his culture. "Really? Not now, Liara."

They shut up abruptly. "Of course, Commander, I apologize," Gayle said quickly. "Like I was saying, we were able to get it out, owing to the work of our engineers."

While she rattled off technological jargon to explain things Shepard and Liara were already well-read in, the asari leaned in behind her back.

"I've heard of Dr. Gayle," she revealed in a whisper. "It's been a long time since I've written a proper article on the protheans- well, it's been a long time since I've published one," she corrected. "But Dr. Gayle began getting recognition for hers some time after you rescued me, back on Therum. I've read them all. Her work is impressive. She- perhaps it is that she isn't asari, and so was free to look at it without asari eyes. But where I so foolishly saw benevolent scholars, she was the first one to cast doubt on that idea, to see aggressive undertones in their leftover footprints, and the cold, calculating analysis of their- _lesser_ races." She said it distastefully, wrinkled nose and all. "I dismissed it at first, there are always those who come up with fringe theories. It keeps everyone honest. And then, we met Javik." There was nothing to add to that.

Shepard mulled it over. "She's clearly inspired by you."

"Hmm," the asari replied noncommittally. "I may have studied the prothean civilization extensively, but she drew the correct conclusions."

"I'm willing to bet she used a lot of your work."

Liara didn't say anything to that, which Shepard took as confirmation.

"So, because the EM readings are so consistent, I'm confident in my findings. This can't just be another piece of prothean tech," Gayle was concluding. There was a dramatic pause while she took a deep breath. "I think there's a prothean inside."

The silence stretched over an appropriate amount of time as Shepard glanced around at all the eager faces. "Well," she reasoned slowly, "there's one way to find out. How do we crack it open?"

Dr. Gayle gasped loudly. "Now? Just – we can just do it?"

Shepard shrugged, hiding her amusement. "Why not? If you know how. Do you?"

Predictably, Gayle instantly scrambled to bring up the relevant data on a nearby datapad. "Well, I've done some digging, and- I've been toying with some ideas, on my spare time, I mean. I figure we _can_ open it safely. There are security measures in place, rather severe, and of course, it needs to be physically opened without damage. I believe the system requires some kind of signal to safely switch modes, a root command of some sort," she posited, throwing Liara a nervous glance. "It's- it's only my opinion, from previous experience with similar technology. But I'm convinced that's how we terminate the stasis."

"It seems likely," Liara agreed, smiling reassuringly. "And I believe I have just the thing. Did you hear of the Mars excavation?"

Gayle's eyes widened. " _Yes_. You found records of the command signal there?"

"I think so. As well as relevant design data, on these pods. We can open it."

"I-! That's-! What a coincidence! How fortunate," she exclaimed, and Shepard could tell she was quickly becoming overwhelmed.

Liara cleared her throat. "Commander Shepard, could you-?"

"Right. Can you all give me some breathing room? I don't know how- we don't know what we'll be dealing with."

Instantly, murmurs erupted across the entire group of Alliance scientists, but they complied without hesitation. Liara and Garrus exchanged a look before he gave the two women a wide berth too, holding position between the pod and the science team. Gayle watched attentively from the sidelines as the asari input a signal Shepard had stealthily passed her, just for show, and then stepped back to wait for the system to process it.

Her back turned to the scientists, Shepard pretended her focus was solely on the tech in front of her, awaiting her turn to pull the metal plating apart. She wasn't sure how she was going to hide Javik's more distinct traits from her audience, or how to keep him from saying something they shouldn't hear. As though to prove her point, they began voicing suspicions.

"I don't get it, why is some military hot-shot in charge of _this_? Are we really supposed to believe she has any idea what she's doing?" she overheard one of them grumbling.

"That's Commander Shepard!" Gayle hissed back.

"So? She's still a _marine_ , what background does she have for this?"

"I heard she's an engineer."

"Even if that's true, which I doubt, since you always seem to be living in another galaxy, how does that give her insight on anything prothean?"

"Dr. T'Soni is with her. Are you doubting _her_ credentials as well?"

There was some petulant sputtering. "An archeologist. An _asari_ archeologist. Where's the biology background? And that's an incredibly complex stasis pod, tech that is delicate by nature."

" _Look_. The engineer and the archeologist just managed to switch the stasis mode off."

Hiding a grin, Shepard ran a hand over the metal, searching for a protuberance for her fingers to catch on. A screen popped up before her, and she fiddled with the controls until the pod came apart.

"There he is," Garrus said, and several gasps came from the huddled mass of people behind him. The prothean was lying just as they'd found him the first time around, still and all eyes firmly shut. The sight of him drew immediate and predictable attention, and there was some jostling as the team attempted to get closer.

"Please, Dr. Gayle, keep your people back," Liara requested gently. "Remember we have no idea how he'll react to-"

Javik's eyes flew open. Liara and Garrus managed to keep the civilians behind them when the familiar biotic glow lit him up. Shepard tensed, almost prepared to feel the hit, but then she met his gaze. It took him a second to power down and get to his feet unsteadily. She held out a hand to keep him upright, feeling the familiar connective shock that came with physically touching a prothean.

He stared at her for several seconds. "There is an unfortunate sense of déjà vu to my current situation."

"I- We can understand him?!" was Gayle's first high-pitched remark, at the same time as someone else beside her made an indistinct squeaking noise. " _How_ can we understand him?!"

Javik then turned his stare to them instead. "I believe he is in shock," Liara stated forcefully before he could say anything else, stepping directly into her line of sight. "It would be best to bring him to an isolated environment. I'll be sure too keep you in the loop."

The good doctor clearly didn't believe her asari friend. Before a confrontation arose, Shepard intervened. "Tell you what, the Normandy's gonna be grounded for at least five hours. Meet us there in a few, after the on-board physician does her thing," she said, gesturing vaguely toward Javik. He scowled at her, probably out of habit. "You can ask him all the questions you want."

"Am I a test specimen, Commander?" Javik questioned snidely.

"Play along for a bit, would you?" she replied under her breath.

Liara pressed a heavy hand to her forehead, already looking exhausted. "So, is that acceptable, Dr. Gayle?"

The woman nodded mutely, wide-eyed, and ushered the entire science team away before any of them could utter a peep in protest. Javik turned to the asari then, somehow impressively expressive in the brutal silence.

"What is going on." It wasn't even a question. Somehow, it sounded like a threat. Liara matched it with a warning glare.

"So, here's the plan: I'm going to take charge of this situation before it escalates," Garrus intervened pointedly. "Everyone play nice or I'll be forced to take away your pistols."

"Have you turned peacemaker while I wasn't looking?" Javik wondered.

"Who said anything about peace?"

"How about we speak on the Normandy?" Shepard suggested before the prothean could answer that.

Javik proverbially dug his heels in. "No. I am not going anywhere until you explain to me what this is. The last thing I remember is landing on Earth to join the clearing efforts."

Shepard blinked. "I thought the Normandy was stranded?"

Garrus glanced over at her with a funny look on his face. "It was. It was days before whatever happened to you- it took a while before the rest of us ended up back here, is what I mean."

" _Days_?"

"Kaidan didn't tell yo-? _Oh_. Never mind."

"What?"

" _Hey!_ " Javik snapped. "Only one of us gets to be confused at once, and I am _first_."

Shepard stared between all of them and decided to concede. Liara was avoiding her eyes. "It's – we're no longer in 2186," she said quietly. "A bit earlier."

Javik took a deep breath and nodded jerkily. "Of course. Of course we are. Why would we not be? Let us head for the Normandy, shall we?"

"Really? That's it?"

He wasted no time in getting a move on. Their little group set off in a brisk pace back toward the docks, the same small Alliance squad following hesitatingly at a distance. The marines recurrently stole awed glances at the prothean, but they said nothing and Javik ignored them.

"What else would you like me to say?"

Shepard didn't really have an answer to that. They left the shelter of the colony's buildings and lab setup, and Eden Prime's beautiful hills and waterbeds were revealed. Javik came to an abrupt stop then, glancing back at the settlement with renewed attention. The colonists were piling over each other, in order to properly engage in his staring contest.

"Correct me if I'm wrong," Javik said, multiple keen eyes running over the landscape, "but I remember a much more decrepit place, the last time I was here."

"The last time you were here, the invasion was in full swing."

"And now it is not, I take it. This planet is important to your species, is it not?"

"Symbolic."

"I see. A fair and fitting analogy can be made to your efforts, all things considered. It stands, despite everything."

"And everything is a surprising amount, in this case. Hell, I hear they just dug up an intact prothean stasis pod."

"And, no less impressive, there was a living prothean inside," Garrus added condescendingly, and Shepard wondered why exactly he wanted to get a rise out of the man.

Javik was unimpressed and chose to ignore him. "These civilians, the ones that made it through it all. In my cycle, we would have recruited them for our front lines. They are clearly far more capable than most of the men you have presented me with."

A couple of marines that were obtrusively overhearing things they shouldn't, and had been cluelessly staring the whole time, scowled deeply at that. Even if they didn't understand anything else, _that_ was plenty clear. Javik was already making his signature impression without even trying.

"Our soldiers are phenomenal," Shepard replied thinly, deciding for the diplomatic route. "And these people are exceptional at defending their home. It's commendable, but we're not throwing civilians at the reapers."

"Yet," Javik noted pointedly. Shepard groaned and pulled him away from normal people.

* * *

It took Javik less than one second after the airlock hatch locked behind them to turn to Shepard overbearingly.

"So."

Garrus and Liara took turns concisely explaining their situation in her stead, which Shepard genuinely appreciated. The prothean needed even further context, because he hadn't been awake to experience most of the events pre-invasion, the first time around. He was really displeased at just how early in the war it was, and directed that displeasure toward Shepard.

"What you are saying, then, is that you've woken me to a galaxy in somehow _greater_ disarray than before, since your pre-invasion work is incomplete."

"I'm _handling_ it. Your beacons went much further than before."

"So I see. You've awoken me to assist you with even _more_ diplomatic efforts?"

Well, when he put it _that_ way, it was hard to argue. "Would you prefer to go back to the pod instead?"

Something she couldn't quite call an eyebrow twitched on Javik's forehead. "Let me get clarification. You have left me in stasis far longer than you needed to after being dumped in the past, but not long enough to have dealt with the collectors or long enough that the reapers have invaded."

"I-"

"The collectors, that pale, gutting shadow born of the reapers' infuriating final insult to my species."

Now she actually felt a little contrite. "I'm sor-"

"The reapers, fighting whom was my sole reason for being. An enemy that is now reborn, like we never defeated it in the first place."

" _Hey_ ," Shepard protested, now frowning. "I thought we'd worked through that already. There's more to your life than that. You were gonna help Liara with her book."

Liara made a noise of surprise. "You were?"

Javik spared her what Shepard knew better than to call an embarrassed glance. "Someone would have had to keep your dismal assessment of my species in check. I had nothing better to do."

"You didn't say."

"There were other things going on," he pointed out, tone dry at the understatement.

Liara's self-satisfied grin told Shepard she was really happy she'd finally one-upped the prothean on something, which wasn't going to improve his mood any.

He chose to change the subject. "I still do not understand why you took so long."

"Well, I couldn't very well just excavate the entire planet. How was I supposed to know where your pod was? Our best bet was waiting for Cerberus to come across that information like they had last time."

"I see. And they would simply just give it to you, then."

"Nope. I took it. Employed violence. You hear that? I took down Cerberus for you."

"You took down Cerberus to avoid them hindering your war efforts," he corrected drily. "A tactic that will not work, I should note. Others will rise to the challenge."

"Maybe I won't give them the chance," Shepard muttered in response.

"Suffice it to say I am less than pleased. We will discuss it later." She grimaced, not doubting that for a second.

"You mean you've ever been _pleased_?" Garrus gawked. "With anything?!"

Liara glanced around while Javik glowered some more. "Are we just going to keep standing on the bridge?"

That had been Shepard's plan, mostly because of the welcoming party she knew they would find in the CIC. Damage control for that one meant trying to improve the prothean's mood as much as she could, a goal she had certainly failed.

Javik himself led the way and forged ahead, and the only thing to give him pause was coming face to face with Kaidan, Ashley and Nihlus, the latter two of whom jumped to their feet on sight. The look on their faces was as apprehensive as it could be while they were also gapping in amazement.

No one found anything to say, so Kaidan took the initiative. "Javik," he greeted warily, already awaiting a comment.

Javik tore his eyes away from the two new faces to reply. "Kaidan Alenko. Your guilt over being alive due to someone else's death is even more pointless now that she clearly didn't even die in the first place."

"Remind me, why did we go get him again?" Kaidan asked casually, glaring at the prothean's self-satisfied expression.

"Interesting," Nihlus commented, grinning a little. He was unfortunately recovering nicely from the shock and awe. "It seems everyone will find a reason to poke at you, Lieutenant."

"No, it's usually just bitter, irritating alien super-soldiers," Kaidan retorted. Javik stared at Nihlus approvingly at this description.

"Well, I can already tell this guy's gonna be interesting," Ash muttered.

"I am a living prothean. It took you this long to reach this conclusion?"

Her eyes narrowed, rose-colored expectations visibly shattered. "It'll take me half as long as that to physically shove your head up your butt."

Javik laughed. "In my cycle, you human primitives did not yet consider that a threat, but a greeting." Kaidan exhaled loudly and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Oh, Skipper, tell me you gave Liara a hug when you unearthed this one," Ashley groaned, backing down. Liara looked gratified at the thought.

"I would have, but she was too busy trying to fight him. And I was too busy trying to stop her."

"To this day, I'm not quite sure why," Liara commented. "Why you stopped me, I mean." Javik didn't seem bothered by this.

Ashley sighed. "That- actually makes me feel better, somehow."

"I'm just warning you, Javik," Garrus began kindly. "You don't want those two banding together against you. I don't think it'll work out in your favor."

Javik didn't heed him. "So that is the deceased female human." He said it rather callously. "I do not recognize the turian. He was never aboard the Normandy, I can tell that much."

"The SR-2," Shepard clarified, for the benefit of the aforementioned people. "Neither of you ever met her."

"Why does that matter?"

"Prothean physiology has some interesting caveats," Liara explained. "He learns a lot from touch."

Ashley took a half-step back at that, looking uneasy. Javik seemed to consider that an achievement. "How come he knew me on sight, then?"

"Liara T'Soni, the turian, and the quarian. Some of the rest of the less relevant crew as well. Not to mention the Commander and the human soldier. They all knew you. To varying degrees. It was not hard to extrapolate, in particular from the latter two's obsessive guilt." Shepard and Kaidan looked away from everyone at that, and Ash glowered at the prothean.

Nihlus was unfazed, clearly adapted to the new reality already. "Does he always refer to us by race?"

"Sometimes he uses 'primitive' too," Garrus offered generously.

Ashley side-eyed him. "You said that."

"You primitives have a tendency to repeat yourselves. I always assumed it was due to short attention spans."

"I repeated it because I really meant it," Garrus told Ashley pleasantly.

"Do you have to be an asshole?" she pragmatically demanded of the prothean, in her usual direct manner.

"Do you?"

"No. Comes easy, though. Which is why I make an effort."

The retort gave Javik genuine pause. "Obscenely candid. How refreshing."

Kaidan nudged Ash's side before she could open her mouth and reply. "C'mon, let's leave Shepard to do her thing. I can't really tell, but he seems a little angrier than usual."

With a wary yet amused look at the woman in question, Ashley accepted that. Garrus, Nihlus and Liara followed without a second thought, and Shepard turned to Javik in trepidation. He was crossing his arms at her, most of his eyes squinting tersely. There was a screen behind him, glowing faintly green and somehow making the alienness of his features more pronounced than ever. There was nothing friendly about his expression.

"Synthesis."

"Yes."

"You must have expected I would have questions."

She expected a lot more than that. "Yeah, sure. Well, _that_ , and opinions. Mostly opinions."

"An accurate assessment," he assented mildly, but then his face hardened. "Give me one good reason why destroying the reapers was the lesser alternative."

"What makes you think it was an alternative at all?"

"The turian said so."

She nodded. "I know. I meant, what makes you think I'd pick it?"

He glowered. "Do not employ your diversionary tactics. I tire of your smoke and mirrors."

Warily, she gave in. "Fine. I wasn't going to wipe the geth out of the galaxy. And I wasn't going to put killing the reapers over EDI."

"That's _it_? Misguided affection for _machines_?"

"Are you really that surprised? Don't you know me well enough at this point?"

He groaned, and turned his back to her, leaning over some terminal. "If- _If_ ," he began, and his voice sounded strained, "you think you did what was best… Then I have nothing more to say."

She gaped at him. "That's it?"

"You are my commander," he said stiffly. "I do not question you."

"That's not what I want from you, Javik," she replied immediately, surprised that she felt a little hurt. "Following orders is one thing. Doing it for a reason is another entirely."

His fingers tightened on the edge of a console. "I do not have to agree with you on everything, Commander. In fact, I remember I very rarely did."

"That was different. You were looking at the bigger picture then. There's no ultimate goal here. It's just- one last choice, with some mixed results. The war ends either way."

Javik sighed tiredly and turned to her, crossing his arms. "Then listen to this, and listen closely, as I will only say it once: I am aboard this ship, Normandy, serving under _you_ ,by willing choice. That should be proof enough I believe in your methods, if not in your- reasoning."

She accepted that, relaxing against a nearby wall. "About that. Everyone else tells me firing the Crucible messed with their heads. Your opinions, though, they haven't budged."

He turned his back on her again. "Maybe they have, maybe they haven't. There is an argument to be made that you were doing the reapers' bidding by brainwashing every organic in the galaxy." She couldn't really argue the objective truth in that, so she let him keep going. "But it is important to look at the outcome. We saw peace, however short the time it lasted was. In my cycle, we wouldn't have thought twice at such mild coercion methods if the results were so favorable."

"You'd still have me destroy synthetics, though."

He hesitated, back hunched and tense. "Perhaps there is merit to the idea that ending this war on such terms would only plant the seeds for the next similar conflict. It matters little. I doubt the choice will be mine, in the end."

She gave in, knowing she wasn't getting an answer out of him via subterfuge. "Javik. I want to know what you really think."

He straightened and spun around, pinning her with a piercing stare that was far too old for this setting. "What I think, Commander, is messy and complicated and tangled in a war of feelings - recent, personal ones I shouldn't have, and the right ones, which I was bred with, and bred for. For now, it is enough that I am here, and that I believe in your cause. Everything else must come- with time."

There was very little to be said beyond that. Shepard hesitated briefly, but the staring contest ended with her capitulation, the look on his face irreducible. She left him to it, expecting Liara and Mordin to handle his den setup, not to mention Dr. Gayle, who was probably due to arrive any moment.

"Commander," he called, just before she could turn the corner, "do not misinterpret me. You need not be concerned about my doubts, or wonder where my loyalties lie. I saw you achieve victory once. I will be there to make sure you do so again."


	22. a dead man

"Councilor, that was just disgraceful."

"Can it, Bailey. We'll do chess one of these days, see how you fare then."

Bailey chuckled boastfully, slapping two more cards on the pile between them. "Keep dreamin'."

Anderson snorted and reached for the bottle to his left, eyeing his play with the trepidation of a man who knew he was about to lose the game. He cringed at his own hand, gulping down the alcohol to conceal it.

"Ready to throw in the towel?"

The councilor sighed and agreed reluctantly, tossing the cards on the table. Bailey laughed and did the same. "Good game, officer."

Bailey stood, taking his own drink with him. "I'd offer you another one, but much more of this and I'll start feeling corrupt for taking so much of a politician's money. Not that I'm complaining, but shouldn't that work the other way around?"

Anderson pulled a face at that, leaning back in his chair. "Not like I have anything better to do," he grumbled. "Shepard's doing all the heavy lifting right now. I'm useless to her."

His cynicism was revealing, and probably immature, he knew. Unfortunately, it was hard to push it away, his position being what it was. He supposed he was going to see the world only as bitterly as he was feeling, wasn't he? And god knew he was bitter. The Council was a nightmare.

Shepard had thrown him a half-apologetic grimace when she'd suggested him for the position, and he supposed he understood the look now. Anderson had come to discover that some people took honest-to-god, unfettered pleasure in arguing aimlessly. He expected it from asari, but Sparatus met Tevos word for word and political bait-and-switch for political bait-and-switch. He'd never thought his eyes could glaze over at hearing a turian speak.

Anderson was supposed to be an Alliance marine, for pity's sake. He wasn't cut out for this. He understood politics – he'd been pushed into it less by choice and more by circumstance, even when he'd just been military – but that didn't mean he wanted to be a part of its beating heart.

It was no surprise he'd started spending far too much time with the man currently in his office. They'd met after Udina, over the long procedural affair that followed his ousting. There was a constant flurry of officers in and out, and nothing that didn't require the human councilor's attention. Bailey had been anything but a recurring fixture, but then one day Anderson had noticed protocol had become uncommonly easy. Forms he knew he _ought_ to have filled appeared as filed, obligatory waiting times seemed to go by in a suspicious blink, and suspects associated with Udina's schemes were implicated in some other inexplicable and calumnious situation, precluding the need for a lengthy investigation.

Anderson had finally tracked it down to a rogue loner attempting to take righteous shortcuts anywhere he could. He regretfully ordered him to use proper channels, but stopped short of reporting the incident. Bailey sure had some questionable views and some real stains on his past record, but at least he was _easy_ to deal with. He shared his opinions on bureaucracy, cared little for political matters, and there was nothing blanketing their interactions. He was just there, uninterested in discussing some diplomatic incident with the batarians on Delta-Something-645-ish, and more often than not, he brought beer.

The man himself eyed him askance. "Aren't you here for the whole diplomatic relations efforts?"

"Be honest with me, Bailey. Do you actually know what that means?"

He grinned. "No. But, luckily for me, I don't have to."

Anderson groaned pitifully. "And no, she's off making sure that's her responsibility too. Notice she managed to get a quarian into the Council as well, when she made the unfortunate mistake of appointing me?"

Bailey nodded, amused. "I did. She's something, huh?"

The councilor clicked his tongue in acknowledgement. "I'm not a young man, you know. I'm not sure how much more of her I can handle. I should tell you about the mission report she sent me a couple of days ago. The _footnote_ briefly detailed how she leapt off a dead reaper before launching it into a star."

Bailey nearly inhaled his beer in his snicker. "I might come around more often, if I get to hear second-hand accounts of her stunts."

Anderson waved him off. "Anytime. More than that, in fact. My sanity appreciates it."

"Sounds like you could use a break," Bailey remarked.

"Couldn't we all?"

"Have a family? You might get them to visit," was his suggestion.

The councilor faltered. "No family. And as for personal relationships… It's complicated."

Bailey huffed, entertained. "Always is. Me, I've got a couple of kids, an ex. Not sure I'm a welcome face to any of them."

Anderson frowned at him. "I'd take the time to work on that, if I were you."

"I am. Don't get me wrong, Councilor, I'm not that hardheaded."

He barked out a ' _hah_ ' and took another swig from his bottle.

Unfortunately, like a cosmic sign that the universe was against him, the beer hadn't even touched his lips before the floor shook violently and knocked it out of his hands.

"The _hell_ was that?" he demanded incredulously, jumping to his feet. The world shuddered again, and he gripped the nearest piece of furniture for stability. Bailey was already trying to reach C-SEC, a finger on his ear.

"I- uh-huh. Yes, ma'am, of course, I'll- But could it be- Right. Where? …Understood. And the Council?" There was a pregnant pause. "Ma'am? _Ma'am_."

Anderson shook his head at him when Bailey turned back to him helplessly. "Someone's taken out the channels, I'm guessing. Or the quake did – well, whatever resembles a quake on a space station. What'd she manage to tell you?" he shouted over the increasing noise coming from outside, which included the annoyingly piercing wail of the alarms.

"Not much. Bunch of batarians, turians, humans just got boots on the docks. They're organized and armed. Deployed in seconds. Plowed through security through sheer numbers before most of C-SEC even knew they were here. I'm guessing Blue Suns," he suggested worriedly. "Best my superiors can tell, they're just messing around, causing random chaos. Spreading. Concentrated on the Presidium. People are fleeing to the Wards. I can't reach anyone else in C-SEC."

"Distraction," Anderson muttered. "But for what?"

Bailey worried his lower lip. "Are we just going to stand here, or-"

The office jostled them once again, and this time, Anderson reached for a wall. "What the hell are they doing, exactly? What kind of damage are we dealing with?"

"I don't know. From the sound of this, though-" A few screams cut through the door, and Anderson paled. "-I'd say someone got their hands on heavy weapons."

Both men strode straight toward the exit once they'd regained their footing, wrenching it open without having to deal with security protocols, which was alarming. If those systems were down, they'd taken control of the station far too easily already. They could be overwritten locally, he reassured himself uneasily.

A couple of turians ran past them, doing a one-eighty when they recognized Anderson. "Sir! You need to get to safety!"

"Where's the rest of the Council?"

"We couldn't bring them to the docks, so the Destiny Ascension is doing an emergency pick-up at Zakera Ward. We should-"

"I'm not going anywhere."

"It's important we get you to safety-"

"I'll be safe, I'm just not leaving."

The words were barely out of his mouth when the path the two men had come from flooded with men clad in blue-colored armor, carrying weapons bigger and heavier than anything the C-SEC officers were holding. He shoved Bailey behind a pillar when they all aimed, scrambling after him with the rest of the C-SEC squad they'd acquired.

"Anyone have a grenade?"

"Why would we have a-"

"Here," Bailey said, passing him the device. Anderson peeked over with a keen eye, and then pitched it scientifically.

The explosion took the Blue Suns by surprise, and they were shoved back in the blast, hidden from sight behind the sudden dust and debris. The C-SEC officers took the opportunity to dash out of cover, and the councilor followed.

For a second, time briefly slowed down through the smoke. Anderson caught a metallic glint on a window, a wisp of smoke dissipating helpfully to give him a clearer view. Somehow, he made impossible eye contact with a black-haired man holding a sword, looking up at him from the presidium. Kai Leng leapt away with a smirk as soon as he'd appeared.

Swearing violently, Anderson spun around and made his way back to his office, where he could activate security procedures and find proper guns. His men hurried after him, listening to his orders raptly.

"Raise Shepard, _now_. Tell her to get her ass to the Citadel. And bring the Illusive Man to my office, surrounded by an artillery squad if necessary. Take those rifles in case you run into trouble. _Go_!"

* * *

Javik's reintroduction to the Normandy worked out no less turbulently, but time soothed all grievances. No one failed to have an opinionated impression of the prothean, and since he wasn't against sharing his, there were a bunch of unsavory comments floating around from most of the crew, which Shepard was quite certain she wasn't meant to hear.

Tali, for instance, searched her out not ten minutes after Gayle had disembarked – the doctor had left with a dazed look on her face and Liara's personal extranet address. The quarian was able to convey with an arched eyebrow everything she needed.

"The look on Ashley's face implies she recently had her every ancestor insulted, so I assume you completed your mission successfully and Javik has joined us?"

"Just give her time to adjust, would you?"

"Sure thing. As soon as Icome out of _my_ adjustment period, I'll be the picture of helpfulness."

No one had more to say than the prothean himself, however. Somehow, he'd gotten it into his head Shepard wanted his take on every new teammate she'd added to her squad, and it only took him a short few days to decide he'd accurately gotten the measure of all of them.

"You've added to your crew since last we met."

"Technically I just haven't detracted from my crew so much."

"Hmm. The salarian is just as annoying as ever, only now it's more permanent, it seems. You have chosen to add a second AI to your recurring squad, which is one of your finer ideas, I'm sure. The drell is surprisingly tolerable, and the krogan is a fine specimen of its kind. The human female is a less tempered and more dangerous version of your Lieutenant Vega. And the new turian is impressively capable. Can we replace the old one? I'll get the airlock."

She grabbed his arm to force him back to his place. "No. That's the first time you've admitted to liking any of my crew," she noted. "Well, so directly, anyway."

"I did no such thing."

For these acclimating few weeks, Shepard found herself with a lighter load of work, for once. Legion and Mordin were now the ones busy with tasks she couldn't assist with, the reaper code and the krogan illness respectively, and the quarians hadn't yet officially appointed Tali. Since Shepard now had the IFF and was just waiting around for the first colony to be abducted – a course of action that left more than one person testy and aggrieved – she devoted herself to the collection of minor resources. The small window of breathing room between priority missions was useful, and she was getting a lot of workout out of her squad. She only felt a little bad about dragging Thane around given his condition, but did it anyway knowing he considered it the height of indignity to be treated like an invalid. At least while he legitimately wasn't one.

Mordin tended to end up sidelined much more often, in fact. He was fully invested in his genophage research, and Shepard happily let him, hoping for a cure development sooner rather than later. The one time she tried gaming some information out of him, he'd only stared at her with a glazed-over aspect to his eyes that told her he was seeing numbers and chemical formulas in front of her face instead.

"Okeer premise incredibly interesting. Wildly unpredictable genetic distribution models, however. Inviable probability calculations. Combine with Maelon's data, may be able to extract stable solution. Follows patterns correlating Amdahl's law, fascinating human theorem. May need parallel projections, distributed responsibilities among cooperating systems, redundancy-?"

She'd avoided questions after that. He could search her out when he was ready.

So, naturally, a disaster had to be brewing all the while, waiting to crash upon her at the right moment.

" _Shepard, Councilor Anderson is requesting your immediate attention. The Citadel has been invaded._ "

Shepard had been reviewing reports on the quarian flotilla movements, which Tali had covertly shared with her, when EDI's disquieted alarm sounded. Those immediately blew out of her mind. Groaning, she sprinted from the CIC to the bridge, not even bothering to ask questions on the way.

"What is it this time?" she questioned warily, staring between Joker and the AI, arriving behind the pilot.

"The way you're talking, you'd think the Citadel gets attacked on the regular. Oh, wait." Joker's forehead was wrinkled, and his fingers were speeding over his displays with focused efficiency. Not even his own sarcasm seemed to cheer him up. "And I don't know. He barely got the message out. We're on our way."

He glanced over at her to confirm that course of action, and she nodded approvingly.

"I have cleared up more of his broadcast. I believe it is intelligible now," EDI announced.

"Let's hear it," Shepard commanded, and EDI complied.

"… _or the illu- Kai Leng's play- at? Don't kno- Get here…!_ "

"Alright, that's plenty clear, I think," Shepard commented thinly, a few short seconds of shock later. "Only question is _why_." No one had an answer.

"Him _again_?" Joker complained. "How come he didn't just drop dead of his own accord?"

Shepard sighed, rubbing the back of her hand over her forehead. "Can you tell me anything else, EDI?"

"Only that the Citadel has gone dark. It is not good for the galaxy's inner workings or general economy if this state continues for much longer."

She grimaced. "Any other outgoing calls or anything like that?"

"Not that I can tell."

"He's clearly messing with the data streams," Joker pointed out. "Anderson barely got this out."

"So no backup there earlier than us," Shepard concluded.

"I mean, I've notified a few authorities, but y'know, busier flying us there. Thankfully, the Citadel was our next stop anyway."

"It's fine. Alert the crew, EDI," she ordered. "We'll get in first."

Joker disagreed. "Yeah, that's gonna be a problem. You don't want the Normandy getting his attention when he doesn't know we're coming," Joker suggested. "You know, because we're big and heavy and shiny. Very flashy."

"What're you thinking?" Shepard asked, intrigued.

"Get Cortez to drop you in hot and invisible. Keep it a surprise until Leng's standing in front of you. No offense, Commander, but that's one son of a bitch I don't want to see you go up against again unprepared. He's one of the few people I've ever seen beating you."

"He didn't beat- Fine," she relented before he had a chance to make a snide comment. "You have a point. I still killed him in the end," she added stubbornly anyway.

"Sure did, let's make sure you kill him in the beginning this time?"

Shepard said nothing and walked away, trying to maintain the appearance of argumentative superiority. She rode the elevator down to the shuttle bay, trusting her people to follow.

Cortez was putting away yet another bunch of tools when Shepard approached him and the Kodiak.

"Ready to ship out?" she greeted. "I'm gonna need you."

"I heard. I'll get you in there. Just make sure you come back out in one piece."

"That's how I like to end missions."

"Yeah, but not how you _usually_ end missions."

" _Hey_. I'm still whole, aren't I?"

"Barely. Where's your squad?"

As though on cue, Thane appeared, striding toward her in haste. The rest of her team began trailing after him in groups, but the urgent expression on the drell's face caught and kept Shepard's attention.

"Commander, Kolyat is on the Citadel," Thane said darkly. "I would like to track him down."

"Your son?" Nihlus clarified, surprised.

Alarmed, Shepard opened her mouth, an apology on the tip of her tongue, but he waved her off. "I'm sure he's fine. I would just like to find him and make sure. It's not your fault that I wanted to meet with him," he pointed out.

"I- Fine," she relented, not having the time for this discussion. "Take Grunt and Vega with you." Hopefully, the sheer tank-like combination would tip the scales in their favor. "Alenko, Williams, grab your gear. Everyone else keeps the civilians safe, Joker will drop you on site as soon as I get Leng's attention. Get a perimeter going, coordinate with C-SEC if you can." There were nods all around while people began filing out. " _Watch_ your ass, Thane, Kai Leng doesn't play around." _Especially not with you_ , she added in her head.

Kaidan seemed horrified by the reminder, but no one was about to dissuade the drell, or bring him up to speed. Shepard just needed to keep Leng in her sights and everyone should be just _fine_.

"Of all the things I hoped would stay the same, Kai Leng making a visit to the Citadel wasn't on the list," Kaidan muttered as Thane walked away briskly.

"And who exactly is this guy?"

Shepard shook her head at Ashley's question and followed Cortez. "I'll explain on the way."

* * *

Inside the shuttle, accompanied by twice as many people than Shepard was used to, Miranda was briefing her on what little information she had. Steve had called her up on EDI's indication, for which Shepard was thankful.

The ex-Cerberus operative's face flickered briefly as the shuttle shook in turbulence.

" _He's hired some Blue Suns mercenaries._ " Her tone implied she found it distasteful. " _I confirmed it with Aria T'Loak._ "

Shepard swore under her breath and mentally filed a reminder that she needed to pay the asari a visit. "Zaeed know anything about this?"

" _He's mostly out of the loop, Shepard. He was an outsider before he began doing business with you, and now he's an outsider who keeps far too respectable company._ "

Ash had been appropriately alarmed at the information she'd been supplied, and was now listening quietly and attentively. Shepard thought that was good progress, considering what she knew of Miranda's past affiliations.

For his part, Vega was hackling the pilot up at the front of the Kodiak, and Thane was entertaining himself – or perhaps distracting himself – by providing live audience. This was useful, as it allowed Shepard to speak freely. Annoyed, she began pacing and changed the subject. "What does Kai Leng think he'll get out of this? Cerberus is _gone_."

" _I don't know, Commander. I'm sorry I couldn't track down Leng in time to stop him._ "

"It's not your fault," she reassured automatically, distracted. "Could this have been done on the Illusive Man's orders?"

" _Possibly._ _Depends on how dirty his guards on the Citadel are._ "

"You think he's got enough reach for this?"

Miranda seemed to give that some thought before replying. " _Perhaps not. Cerberus is not the Goliath it became during the war. It's why I was able to surprise the Illusive Man and come out on top. A lot of their success was marketing, actually,_ " she added as an afterthought.

"I'm not sure I follow."

" _You d_ _idn't give the Illusive Man the opportunity to extend his influence over the galaxy. Or legitimacy by working with him._ _Going 'hey,_ Commander Shepard _thought we were good enough' has some impact in anyone with humanity-leaning tendencies._ "

"Thanks. I really needed something else to feel bad for, over my stint with them."

" _Well, look on the bright side. By working with Cerberus, you met me._ "

Kaidan snorted and Ashley wrinkled her nose. Shepard's lips twitched briefly. "Thanks for the info, Miranda," she dismissed, and the hologram winked out on her friend.

Shepard's eyes travelled to Grunt, who was squinting outside at the approaching dock. "Hey," he said suddenly, "aren't those way more ships than we were expecting?"

Vega followed his gaze at once, as did Shepard, and confirmed his observation. It wasn't exactly a ring surrounding the station – more of a sphere. Someone's private army had clearly shown up in full. "Way, way more," Shepard agreed with a frown, walking over to Steve.

"Esteban," James called apprehensively, "how come they're ignoring us? Haven't spotted us yet?"

"Because they _have_ seen us," came the terse reply. "It's what I like to call a 'trap'. Get a seat, _now_."

Everyone bolted to follow the order. Not a moment too soon, either, as Cortez pulled a searing turn to avoid a high-velocity explosive slug that whizzed over the shuttle.

"The _hell_ are they carrying?" Vega gasped, slamming back into his seat from the sudden G-force. The Kodiak shuddered ominously.

"They left an opening they knew he'd take," Thane speculated plainly, as though the situation wasn't bothering him, "and waited. However, the lieutenant is obviously more skilled than they were expecting."

Grunt was clutching his seat diligently. "Then we're in," he concluded pragmatically, and the Kodiak banked hard to the right, as though it was the universe knocking him about for his flippancy.

"Alright, so maybe this situation is more complicated than I originally thought," Shepard muttered through gritted teeth. They all felt another yanking pressure over their navels, and she focused on steadying her breaths.

"Commander, we're gonna have a job of this," Steve yelled from the front. "You need to airdrop with the shuttle in motion!"

"Of course we do."

" _Why_? What's happening?"

"Well, I don't know about you, but I don't want to find out what a missile feels like when it hits. Not today. I need to find someplace safe for an LZ, but that's not anywhere near where _you_ need to be."

"Got it. How steady can you keep this thing?"

She could see his grimace from all the way in the back. "Not nearly enough."

Shepard nodded and unclasped her harness, clinging forcefully to whatever purchase she could find. Her squad followed her to the door, which was already creaking open. "Just say when."

" _When!_ "

She hit the ground from far too high a drop, grunting painfully upon impact, and heard five people do the same. The Kodiak had zoomed away in a heartbeat, losing the Blue Suns' attention as soon as Shepard was no longer inside.

" _Everyone alright?_ " Cortez immediately demanded in anxiety, as the landing team ran to avoid gunfire.

"You need to work on those piloting skills, man. Talk about a bumpy ride," Vega provoked in response.

"We're good, Lieutenant. Nice job. Get yourself secure."

Steve grumbled something about 'nice' not being the word he'd choose, but otherwise quieted, and Shepard focused on identifying the best cover. A quick perusal of the waiting area allowed her to find a knocked-over metal stand, wide enough for all six of them and tall enough to give their heads protection. "Over there. _Move._ "

They sprinted over the open space standing between them and their objective, and vaulted over the table to crouch behind it. In the moment of respite, Shepard noticed something glaringly wrong with the situation.

"Damn it."

"What?" Kaidan asked immediately.

"I'm not armed."

Now Vega turned to her in astonishment. "How are you not armed? You're always armed!"

Shepard glared at him and Grunt looked her over knowingly. "Dropped it when we landed."

"Yeah, bit of a rough ride. I wasn't expecting that. My pistol's in the shuttle." The weight of her sniper rifle on her back was comforting, however.

Vega swore before Kaidan could. "You're going off after Leng without-"

"Here," came the sudden offer from Shepard's left. She looked up and recognized Bailey with a pang of shock, extending the butt of a gun to her. The fact that she hadn't noticed his presence in their small makeshift cocoon was a testament to the lack of control she'd spiraled into in this mission. He was alone, looking no worse for wear, and continued before she could express a word of surprise. "I have another one."

"Wh-" She couldn't even finish the word before the crack and spittle of a bullet hitting metal sounded against their cover. Glaring, she craned her neck beyond safety, identifying her target without difficulty. A well-aimed shot to his heart, coupled with Kaidan's reave, took him down. "What are you doing here? Alone?"

Bailey shrugged unconcernedly. "I knew you were coming, and thought someone should be here to meet you. Sorry I couldn't warn about this welcome party. Got cut off from my men. Bailey, by the way. My name," he elaborated.

"Good to- uh, meet you. Thanks. Anderson send you?"

"Yeah."

The ground under them shook violently before she could continue the line of questioning, and a crate nearby blew up into tiny little pieces. Shepard stared at it. "I thought we were dealing with _mercs_. Where the hell did they get this hardware?!"

"Been asking myself that question ever since they landed, ma'am," Bailey growled in response, taking a few shots from cover. Compared to what their opponents were carrying, it was almost pathetic. "Someone's either supplying them or else giving them the money they need to do it themselves."

Shepard took a deep breath. "Alright. Split it. Kaidan, Ash, Grunt, right flank. Everyone else to my left. I'll cover you from the rear. You see that vantage point, higher ground? Get behind cover over there. Then we'll have a shot at taking them out."

Everyone accepted the plan easily, even Bailey, and before long they were making a mad dash for it. The shots Shepard fired were more for attention than damage, but she managed to hit at least three men before skittering behind yet another cover. Everyone else followed without much delay.

She ejected a thermal clip irritably as Thane plopped down next to her, breathing heavily. "Bailey, your equipment needs some upgrading. Stupid thing keeps _jamming_ ," Shepard complained waspishly. "What, these things still running on gunpowder or something?"

"Well, if you keep pulling that trigger like there's no tomorrow, it's no surprise."

"How am I supposed to _shoot_ it, then?"

"Slowly?" Shepard scoffed at that, which made him snort. "This isn't your top-of-the-line gear, Commander. This shit breaks easy. Why are you even shooting without aiming proper, anyway?"

"I _am_ aiming," she defended, tone taking on an offended aspect. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Bailey stared, disbelieving. "No one can point a gun _that_ fast, wh-"

"Shepard aims faster than most pistols shoot, and gets vocally irritated each and every time they predictably overheat," Kaidan explained automatically, peeking outside their hiding place to access the situation. "So, listen, think we can focus on the hostiles now? That one over there's got shields, Commander. And the mech looks like he's about to spring out of cover. But take your time, this complaint-filing situation should take priority."

Shepard didn't bother replying, taking a careful look at where Kaidan was pointing. Sure enough, the metallic sounds of a robot moving quickly reached their ears, an attempt to approach their cover. She waited until the thing was right next to the other shielded soldier to overload it with Kaidan's assistance – it hit the merc with shrapnel on top of his fried shielding. Meanwhile, everyone else engaged in a deadlier version of a gun salute, turning the docking bay into a targeting practice arena where bullets rained in buckets.

Dismayed at her sidearm, Shepard joined their efforts by mounting her sniper rifle, picking out mostly humans, whose critical points were easier to identify, one by one until the battlefield was cleared.

There was silence for a few seconds, while their 'newest' acquaintance gapped. "Is there anything she's bad at?"

The answers came prompt and earnest.

"Driving."

"Dancing."

"Cooking."

"Flirting. Like, real flirting, you know? Not the joking kind, when she actually cares. I've seen it, it's-"

"Thank you all kindly for shutting up," Shepard interrupted before anyone else had the chance to speak up, strapping her weapons back into place. "And thank you especially, James, for being so thorough and specific in your answer."

Kaidan took pity on her and changed the subject. "We should split up and get going, we're wasting time."

"No shit."

"You've all got your orders, move out," she commanded. "Bailey, you're with me. What's C-SEC's status?"

He scoffed, watching everyone but Kaidan and Ashley clear out. "Hell if I know. We're scattered. The only ones I can reliably reach are in Councilor Anderson's office."

"Well, that's where we're headed anyway," Shepard decided, setting off. "What are they doing there?"

"Illusive Man. The Councilor ordered him up with a security detail. My guess is he thought the guy was the target of this little party. Seems pretty plausible."

"Yeah. Quick thinking," Shepard praised, impressed. "Probably the only reason the Illusive Man's still in custody. Leng didn't go for the embassies first."

"Yeah, fat lot of good that does for these men," Bailey said disgustedly, taking in the destruction as they advanced through C-SEC. "I'm glad we've got a marine on the Council, don't get me wrong, but-"

"Bailey, a lot of good people would be killed if the Illusive Man gets free," Shepard rebutted gently. "I understand your frustration, and I promise I'm going to make Kai Leng pay for this."

Bailey nodded slowly. "I'll take a promise from you seriously, Commander."

"Shepard," she corrected, and he agreed haltingly.

They reached the embassies with little resistance, which was dwindling further the more they advanced. It was frustrating Shepard that she couldn't work out what Kai Leng's strategy was here – did he not know where the Illusive Man had been moved by now? Or was he somehow not the actual target?

She stepped outside the final elevator to the human embassies, and was brought out of her musings by coming face to face with Anderson himself. The relief that settled in Shepard's bones at the sight was a little unseemly and uncalled for, and only right then did she realize just how worried she'd been about her mentor's condition.

"Sir, shouldn't you be in your office?" Bailey instantly chastised, casting a wide look around.

The councilor ignored him however, attention solely on Shepard. "You're here, _good_. I was beginning to think you hadn't gotten my message."

"I took the scenic route," she quipped, following him as he started hurrying back through the way he'd come. "And _shouldn't_ you be in your office? Where are we going?"

"The scenic route? So you jumped off a shuttle, crashed it into some priceless monument one of the other councilors is going to chew me out over?" She didn't give him the satisfaction of confirming his accuracy. Surely Cortez had steered clear of any important statues, anyway. Anderson glanced back suspiciously at her silence, but said nothing. "And we're going back to my office, if you're so determined to get me in there. I was going to track you down."

"Isn't that _that_ way?" Kaidan questioned, and Anderson threw him a bemused look, possibly at the fact he knew the location of the human councilor's office.

"Yeah, well, I'm taking the scenic route too. Less spontaneous potholes and overall danger this way."

"Where's the Illusive Man?"

"Also in my office. Locked up tighter than-"

Shepard never got to find out the rest of Anderson's analogy, because at that moment, they heard boots marching on the metal plating of the floor just ahead, and fell silent. They slid into the shadows behind a corner, and waited until the sound vanished in the distance.

"The Blue Suns have breached the embassies?"

"They've been here the whole time," Anderson whispered back. "Just not in numbers. They were concentrated down in C-SEC. I'm guessing that will change soon."

Sighing, she cautiously stepped out of cover and grew bolder when the hallway looked empty. Bailey approached the nearby door and fiddled with the controls until it opened.

"We need to climb up there," Anderson said, glancing out at the new hallway to make sure it was empty. No one was supposed to come here, Shepard assumed – there was an unobstructed view of the exterior, like a balcony that someone had forgotten to safeguard. Ashley peeked over to appraise the drop, and she didn't seem to like what she saw. Above their heads, a similar stretch of metal plating stood, the same balcony on a different level. Shepard figured that's what Anderson was referring to.

"How?" she wondered critically, eyeing the platform. There were no ladders or other access points.

"No clue. But if we walk the length of it, we should drop down on the other side of the hall to my office."

Shepard pondered that for a second, and then turned to consider Kaidan. "How would you feel about levitating five people, Alenko?"

"I'd feel like you were out of yo-" The retort died on his lips as he took notice of the look on Anderson's face. "I mean, I'd suggest coming up with alternatives, Commander."

"Can you do it or not, Lieutenant?" the councilor interjected impatiently.

"It's- I'm not comfortable enough to risk it, sir, not at that height. If it goes wrong-" He stared down to the left, where the wind was whistling against some impressively tall artificial trees. They'd had to get creative with their pathfinding, and now they were reduced to essentially free-climbing the outside of the presidium.

"I'll go first," Shepard interrupted cheerily, pushing forward toward the lowest point in the platform. "You won't drop me, will you, Kaidan?"

He glowered at her balefully, but raised no protest. Looking tense as a coiled rubber band about to snap, he carefully lifted her feet off the floor, ascent trajectory jerking only a little, and slowly lowered her to her destination, gently dropping her back down. The glowing biotics powered down, and he was left looking surprised and slightly flushed, but pleased with himself.

"Alright. Maybe I can. C'mon, Ash."

"Just remember I'm too awesome to die yet, LT."

"Maybe just some facial disfigurement, then?" he suggested teasingly.

"What, even _more_? I don't think people would bear to make eye contact with you anymore, Alenko."

"Whenever you two are done," Anderson interjected pointedly, crossing his arms. Shepard snorted loudly from above. "I don't know what you're laughing about, Commander. Shouldn't you have a hand over your subordinates?"

Ashley appeared over the side, glowing faintly blue, and Shepard grinned at her as she landed. "What, and miss out on their stand-up routines? They're so funny too."

Ashley made a gesture that Anderson could thankfully not see from down below, and the back-and-forth died there.

Kaidan didn't have much trouble with the two men left, who'd relaxed at his initial success. When only he was left on the lower level, Shepard and Ashley laid down on the floor to reach his hands and pull him up with some extreme stretching all around.

"That wasn't so hard, now was it?" Shepard teased.

Kaidan pulled a face at her. "Don't push your luck."

Bailey cleared his throat, eyebrows raised at the two of them, and they feigned obliviousness, following the others down to the cracked window pane that would let them back inside the building.

Leaping to avoid the glass, Shepard carefully wobbled over what was left of a previously solid wall, catching sight of a woman with a distinct non-military look about her, crawling over the debris. Her squad stopped short when recognition came from the bobbed black hair and Alliance uniform.

"What the _hell,_ Tra-" Shepard stopped herself just short of calling out a name she wasn't supposed to know. "Who are you?" she lied feebly instead. "What are you doing in the middle of-"

" _Chambers_ ," Traynor growled at some rubble. Shepard had never felt this ignored. "Where are you?" There was a faint squeak from somewhere to Shepard's right, and she lunged forward to shove several sheets of torn metal off of a trembling Kelly Chambers. "Oh, _thank you_ ," she cried, and then finally looked up at her rescuer, a nasty cut running down the length of her cheek. " _Oh!_ "

Both women seemed to come to their senses then, jumping to their feet - Kelly helped along by Shepard's offered hand – and taking note of their audience. "Uh, hi! We're - we were - you're Shepard! Commander Shepard, ma'am, sir, I mean, and- Councilor Anderson, hello," Traynor greeted uneasily. "Good thing you're alright."

Anderson cleared his throat before anyone else thought of something to say to that. "These women are part of a highly specialized team I assembled after Udina's shifty alliances came to light," he revealed. "They're supposed to reinforce Alliance intel. Whether the Alliance likes it or not."

Shepard opened and closed her mouth several times, wondering how she could ask about the impossible coincidence that that was, considering their circumstances. Kelly saved her. "We've been more than happy to serve," she said softly.

"How-" Kaidan trailed off, but the single word seemed to adequately and concisely verbalize it.

"They're good operatives. Strangest thing, their files just kept appearing on my desk until I bothered to read them. No one could tell me where they came from. I'm glad I did, anyway."

"You hired a couple of dossiers that someone was sneaking onto your desk for an anti-corruption taskforce?" Shepard deadpanned.

Anderson shrugged unconcernedly. "I have good instincts."

The Shadow Broker did, at any rate. Or at least Shepard hoped this was Liara's doing. "Uh-huh. I have questions, but later. Listen, you two - you cannot be here," she said firmly, turning back to the two unarmed women. "And we can't keep standing around either."

"You don't have to tell us twice. I- I _mean_ , yes, ma'am," Traynor saluted nervously. "But where do we go?"

Shepard grabbed the spare gun Bailey had handed her and held it out for them. Neither took it. "You're gonna have to make a run for it to the wards, it's your safest bet," she advised. "I wouldn't do it unarmed, if I were you."

"But - we're more likely to shoot our own foot than a hostile."

Shepard decided there was validity to that argument, particularly since Traynor had visibly reverted to her anxious ways. And no way was _Kelly_ going to be taking the weapon. She looked like she was about to pass out. Shepard turned to her allies helplessly. "The Normandy's way out of range, right?"

"Completely," Kaidan confirmed. "And someone's jamming comms."

"… I could - do something about that," Traynor suggested hesitatingly. All eyes snapped to her. "Just point me in the right direction."

"Ground control is much closer," Shepard admitted grudgingly. "But I still think it's a better idea for you to head for the wards, last I knew they were untouched."

"Look, you're never going to handle this without _talking_ to each other. C-SEC's nowhere in sight. You need a way to contact them," Traynor argued. "So let me."

"Weren't you completely ready to flee only a moment ago?"

"That was different. This is _my_ turf."

Shepard sighed and relented. "And Kelly?"

"I'll - I'll go with."

"Fine. Bailey," she said, catching his eye. Her head nodded in the two women's direction. "Make sure they get there. We can take it from here."

"Sure thing," he agreed easily. "Not like that Kai Leng guy's hard to spot."

In an ironic way to prove his point, they all heard loud and clear the sound of metal scratching on metal, coming maybe from a few dozen meters away. Anderson paled. "He's here. We need to get to the Illusive Man _now_."

"Alright. Bailey," Shepard called, watching Traynor and Kelly inch away nervously, "thanks." He nodded, surprised, and left after them. Shepard turned to her squad. "C'mon, we need to hurry. Williams, can you see a sniper perch?"

"Not here. Maybe nearer the office?"

The floor shuddered again, and Shepard rethought her line of thinking. "You know what, there's no point. Nowhere steady, never mind the visibility. Just keep close."

They hurried in the direction of the office's door, realizing with some relief that it looked untouched. Anderson punched in codes and allowed his biometrics to be analyzed, and the security system glowed green. Sprinting inside in the relative quiet, she left Kaidan and Ashley as vigils, locking everything back up.

Out of the corner of her eye, Shepard could see the Illusive Man, a bored look on his face, sitting on the couch like he owned it. His interest peaked when he noticed her as well, watching her movements attentively, but everyone ignored him. Thankfully, this prevented him from opening his mouth.

She tore her eyes away from him and approached her councilor with some caution, taking in his frantic pacing.

"Kai Leng," Anderson spat out like the name itself was a swear word, reclaiming the room's attention. "God _damn_ it."

"Keep it together, Anderson, we need to focus on ejecting him from this station."

"Oh, I'm focusing on it, alright."

"You know this guy?" she asked out of obligation, already knowing the answer.

Anderson was opening his mouth to answer when an explosion slammed into the wall beside them, knocking Shepard on her ass and sending Ashley and Kaidan, who'd been nearest in defensive positions, flying. She heard Anderson coughing somewhere behind her as she rolled over to shield herself from debris, and somehow caught a glimpse of booted feet stepping over the remnants of the office's door.

"I take it the element of surprise has been used up," she muttered, climbing up to her feet unsteadily.

"Is that what that was?" Kai Leng asked, smooth voice expressing shock in mockery. His hair looked as greasy as always, and she resisted the petty urge to tell him to wash it, or at least cut it, in order to keep the situation appropriately dramatic. "I wondered why you were hiding behind some politician's skirts."

Well, that was bound to piss off Anderson, predictably. "I'll _show_ you what a fuc-"

Shepard stepped directly between Kai Leng and the direction from which Anderson's voice was coming. The assassin gave her a half-cocked grin like they were sharing a joke. "Anderson, get our- _charge_ out of here," she requested calmly.

She expected an argument and the man did not disappoint. "In your _dreams_ I'm leaving, Shepard." Kai Leng was still looking entertained, circling her like she was prey. She still couldn't see Anderson, but there were some struggling noises from somewhere to her left that told her he was probably trying to make his way to them over the broken pieces piles of metal, glass and assorted materials.

Shepard waited until she felt Leng directly behind her and far too close, and then hit the floor in a nasty roll to avoid the strike of his sword. He stopped milling about then. Suddenly, she was locked in a flurry of movement she wasn't prepared for, unarmed and injured while trying to avoid his blade and block his limbs.

She eventually managed to shove him away briefly, long enough to catch her breath, and discovered she was now mad. "Anderson, do you want to check priorities right now? _Get him out_."

"I'm not a fan of that plan," Leng commented, back on his feet. "After you went to so much trouble to lead me directly to him, and everything."

"Shepa-"

" _Sir_ , I swear to-" Shepard cut herself off with a gasp so she could avoid Leng rushing right past her. She was way too exposed, right there in the middle of the room, and she could hardly do anything about it. Keeping her focus on her shields, she scanned the dust in the air, but couldn't locate Leng. "Didn't your mother ever teach you not to run with swords?" she shouted after him, trying an alternative form of eco-location.

She got no response, because Kai Leng hadn't gotten this far without brains. Instead, Anderson's shape materialized to her left. She glared at him, hurrying over in case she needed to act the human shield. " _Out_. I'll keep him busy."

"Absolutely not," he growled, and she noted he had a shallow cut on his arm, held firmly by his side. "Of all people, if _he_ manages to- I'm not leaving you alone."

"Touching," came Leng's comment before she could open her mouth, far closer than he should be.

Shepard shoved Anderson back into the mess of the debris with far too much strength, in the vague direction of the exit Kai Leng had carved, and spun around to find the man's attention solely on her. His sword was in his hands, a toy on standby, at least for the moment. The look on his face was curious, disinterested in Anderson. The fact that he seemed to be waiting on something, instead of trying to locate the Illusive Man in the midst of that mess, worried her.

She shook her head and steeled herself, back to where she'd shoved the councilor. "I'll _handle_ it, just _go._ " she tried one last time, eyes still on Leng but addressing Anderson. Her response was complete silence, and she hoped that was a good sign.

A booming EM field flooded the surrounding area, centered on Leng, and stole her breath out of her lungs. She went flying, shields fizzling out, and landed with a crash somewhere on the other side of the room. There was a stunned moment for the world to make sense again, and then she snapped right back to the fight aspect of her flight-or-fight instinct.

Her hair was slipping right out of its bun as she pushed herself up feebly, and she discovered her squad was now in her direct line of sight. Kaidan and Ash were down, bodies unmoving like they'd been dropped from three stories high. She thought she saw Ashley twitch feebly, and Kaidan was emitting a faint blue glow, but she didn't have time to check on them. _They're just winded,_ she told herself firmly.

Kai Leng was smirking at her, like he'd already won. Not this time.

Unsteadily, she got to her feet. She had no weapons, the remains of her useless, substitute pistol strewn among the rubble somewhere. Leng was probably not going to wait for her to dig anything out, if it had even survived, which she doubted. What she did have was a rebar made out of some kind of sturdy material, conveniently snapped out of its place, so that it was very rough at the edges and lying a meter away from her. She grabbed it and turned back to the assassin, who looked unimpressed.

"You're going to smack me with a stick?"

Shepard was about to offer a scathing retort she hadn't come up with yet, when she was interrupted unexpectedly. Several shots sounded right by her ear, hitting neither her nor Kai Leng, but pointedly aimed at him. They served their purpose - the assassin sharply plunged away to safety, leaving her to chase him instead of the other way around. In her sprint, she caught sight of Kaidan dropping his weapon arm weakly with a groan, and gritted her teeth to focus.

She climbed over several protruding metal structures, scanning the area for the assassin. There were two things she needed to remember right then – to keep him in sight and to impair his tech. Cerberus hadn't outfitted him with the shiny new horrifying stuff they'd developed last time, but what he had was clearly no less impressive. One more hit like the previous one, and she wasn't sure she was getting back up. Thankfully, she was reasonably sure that particular move had a pricey recharge time.

Something shone for a microsecond out of the corner of her eye, and she brought up the rebar violently to keep Leng's strike at bay. His headgear started glowing again, but Shepard wasn't without tricks either. Her omnitool lit up for one second, but it was enough – a bundle of searing energy travelled up his arm where he'd snatched her, and he recoiled in agony, the power in his gadgets fizzling out weakly.

"Someone should have already taught you not to touch people without their consent."

His recovery was swift, his reaction swifter, and he hurled out a foot toward her ankles, missing her by a hair's breadth. By some mutual and silent understanding, they scrambled away for a second, both panting and staring at each other with laser-like focus. Leng offered her a smirk in the lull, which she instantly recognized as an attempt to distract her from something.

"You're playing hard to get," he accused, and she let her eyes trail stealthily over him, searching for an indication of his next move.

"It's not playing, I really am hard to get."

"The same doesn't apply to your squad, though, does it?" he countered, a faux-sympathetic tone to his voice. "That was a pitiful performance on their part. Useless. Are they dead?"

Stiffening in anger was an involuntary response. "You won't get to find out."

Shepard almost missed the way his sword flicked a millimeter to the side, and threw out her metal bar against it in good time. It sliced through with just enough attrition to help her, which reduced her makeshift weapon to a third of its original length. Knowing it was a diversion, her shields briefly flickered back to life with an ungodly amount of effort to absorb the shots he was aiming simultaneously.

She cryo-blasted him in order to slow him down, and scurried toward cover, hunching down before he could regain his footing. Her vision was going faint from exertion, but she vaguely registered she was crouching behind Anderson's overturned desk. She snuck a painful look at where she'd left Leng. It took her a moment to process the disorientated and somehow sharply alert expression on his face, but then her gaze lowered, and she froze at what she saw.

He was standing on top of ruined circuitry, something that might once have been a control panel for the human councilor's interactive consoles. The wiring was naked, rather intact, streaking though half the length of the room, and very much within her reach. She checked to see her cooldown latency was almost at relatively safe levels.

Shepard tore her gaze from his feet so he wouldn't realize what she'd noticed, and rolled away from his area of effect, knowing she was very close to becoming a sitting duck from the telltale crackle in the air – just in time. A thunderous and electrocution-inducing bolt of energy landed heavily a meter away.

Before he could take a step, her hand came down on the floor hard, and the second her fingers connected with the wiring, she overloaded.

It coaxed a loud, strangled sound out of Leng's throat, and if he hadn't been shocked into temporary paralysis, she was pretty sure he'd have dropped to his knees. The force of her attack was still clear not just in the way he reeled, but in the static Shepard could almost tangibly see under and all around him.

Her suit's capacitors had been completely fried by the move, but she'd come out of it unharmed. Wasting no time, Shepard flashed over to Leng before he had a chance to recover, but overestimated how much she'd disabled him – the moment her hand landed roughly on his upper arm, his free hand moved far too quickly for her to predict.

The sword came down on her waist harshly. " _Urgh,_ " she gasped – the blade had torn through the armor and cut flesh to an extent she wasn't sure she wanted to investigate. Not for the first time, she wondered what kind of material that thing was made of.

The searing pain on her side made it easy for her tunnel vision to become dazed and fogged, but she had enough clarity of mind to kick at the arm responsible for it. Unfortunately for him, she still had a controlling grip on him and on the situation. With a surge of strength Shepard hadn't realized she could still muster, she shoved the rebar right through his middle and into the wall. He had very little in the way of armor – with his barriers fried, there wasn't much stopping her.

His gun went off, but it fired wildly. He gasped and dropped both weapons - she kicked away the gun but picked up the sword.

It wasn't a pretty picture, when she stepped back, and Shepard didn't feel particularly good about it. But some vindictive, bloody part of her viciously crowed at the sight of Leng trembling on his spike, breath hitching desperately like he couldn't catch it. Which he probably couldn't.

"What did you come here for? Was it really just the Illusive Man?"

Their eyes met. There was that one last bit of defiance he could offer her. Somehow, she understood some sort of unspoken agreement in the way their eyes met – she wasn't going to get what she wanted to know, and he was going to die. A weird, twisted sort of compromise that made perfect sense, somehow. Like Shepard, not even in the end did he completely relinquish control.

Then a shot sounded, originating from behind her, and he was put out of his misery.

Shepard launched the sword in her hand over the rubble. It glinted briefly under the artificial lights before it plunged into oblivion. It was doubtful it would ever be unearthed again.

She turned back to her squad, who approached her slowly and obviously in pain. Kaidan was grabbing at the back of his head like he'd overused his implant – again – and was suffering the consequences. Ashley had an arm tight against her trembling leg, possibly the source of her limp, but her shooting hand was steady and aiming the pistol she'd just used to put a bullet in Leng.

Shepard dropped down to meet them and put an arm around Ashley, who instantly let her support most of her weight, which was a bad sign. The adrenaline allowed her to keep upright, her other hand wrapped around her own middle. "C'mon. It's over. Let's get back to the Normandy before the adrenaline crash."

"You're still running on adrenaline?" Kaidan joked feebly, but complied, rolling his shoulders like he wanted to distract himself from the migraine.

Shepard glanced up at where Kai Leng's body still lay, limbs slack and eyes wide open. His hair was mixing with the grit and grime on the ground, spilled over the metal plating to provide a dark contrast. A dead man, with a hundred labels, a few of which nameless voices would apply to Shepard herself. How quickly a road could derail, if only the traveler took a few left turns where the rights seemed difficult and unappealing.

Kaidan pressed a weightless hand on her shoulder, and she snapped out of it. His gaze was much heavier than his touch when her eyes found it fleetingly. She shook her head at him.

Ashley's breathing was erratic in the rise and fall of her chest under Shepard's arm, so she tightened her grip and took up a brisk pace.


End file.
